BT and FFB's an addendum

What I wrote previously is valid for a couple that is in the early shidduch parsha (early 20's) but I would like to point out that once the parties involved are older (28 and up) then the picture may vary.
The FFB, in the intervening years has certainly had more contact with the world at large, and has assimilated a lot more of a veltishe point of view than when they were in their 20's and closer to the years in Yeshivah and Seminary.
In that respect you might say that a BT and an FFB might find more things they agree on than before. It is true though, that even at this stage, each case should be considered individually on its merits. We are all different and what goes for one does not apply to the other.

So I still think that it is easier to match two BT than a BT and an FFB but it is a lot more likely to succeed if the couple is older rather than younger.

Answers

I may answer your comments directly, or I may as in this case write a post just to answer. I may even wait to answer a particular query because I am trying to give an order to this posts, a natural progression towards the final goal which is marriage for our children (or for ourselves, as the case may be).

Naturally being a woman I retain the right to interrupt the flow and answer out of sequence sometimes:)). Keep your comments coming.

Here is an answer to Rosie's comment in

"FFBs and BT Matches"

Rosie wrote: So we admit that at the end of the day, marriages between people of different backgrounds do occur and those couples do have to adjust.

Of course couples with different backgrounds marry each other! It happens all the time! Someone from England marries and American, and they have more to adjust than what is the meaning of “boot” (an item of clothing- America - or the trunk of a car- England-). Australians marry Israelis and French marry Russians. All couples need adjustments. They may both be from the same neighborhood but they are still two separate people who have to learn how to file down the edges and fit together hand in glove.That is the giving and compromising im marriage! How many good marriages are there where the two participants are not constantly adjusting their wishes and wants for the other? The best marriages being of course those where both wish and want the same thing in big issues as well as minor ones.

R: Maybe we should also teach children that what they had in mind might not come their way.

There is no maybe to the fact that we must teach children that they cannot wait for all the items on their wish list to be fulfilled. Compromise is the name of the game. Besides some of those items on the wish list may actually be against this good marriage and should not be fulfilled!

A little bit like if we daven with whole heart to win the lottery, but such a win might be a calamity for us instead of a good thing.Research on lottery winners finds that for many lottery winners, the reality is more like a nightmare. "In our culture, there is a widely held belief that money solves problems. People think if they had more money, their troubles would be over. When a family receives sudden money, they frequently learn that money can cause as many problems as it solves," says a financial adviser.

Sometimes we do not get what we daven for because it is not good for us. Similarly sometimes our soulmate only has 3 or 4 out of 7 items on our list. S/he is still our soulmate and the best person to help us fulfill our tikun in this world.

Part of the problem with so many shidduchim these days is that there isn't enough flexibility. In the me generation it takes longer and it takes maturity to turn the "M" of me into a "W" of we.

R: it is not simply a desire to seek a common background but a desire to social climb and the BTs become low on the ladder.

All manner of reasons are considered "less desirable" and "low on the ladder".

Some BT families are so integrated in the community they live in that no one thinks of them as BTs.
As usual the distance between FFB families and BT families is caused by the different points of view and externals. And we all know that where there are differences there is suspicion and objections. We as jews should know this better than anyone else. Because we refuse to conform to the worlds mores and modes we are looked on with suspicion and dislike.
Because of their upbringing , BTs may have differing ways to do things (within Halacha) that sound a discordant note to people who do things like they were done in the shtetel in Russia or like it was done in Berlin, or in Galizia etc. Therefore those BT families that conform more to the methods of things done in Europe instead of Main Street, America may fit in better and not have the problems others do. (Entirely my own thought, and I am simplifying.)

Other reasons why a shidduch is rejected out of hand could be:

Shidduchim where the boy or girl had a wobble in their growing up years are looked at askance. No one is happy with the explanations that they saw the other side and rejected it, therefore they must be stronger than others who did not encounter that test. Yet, these are solid boys and girls who will make great husbands or wives.

What about the boys who went to the army? There are more all the time. Some went in frum and came out frum so why do we put them on a lower rung?

Or people who have a less than illustrious background. It does not mean that they are not just as good or better than someone with name recognition.

Many families get rejected for spurious reasons. And it happens at every level of our society. It is not just the FFBs who are "social climbers" everyone is in one way or another. Families who have yichus may want money and families with money may want yichus etc.

Because we are at the time of Ikvesa DiMeshicha, as Rashi explains the end of Exile, avodas Hashem is harder than ever. Shidduchim are harder than ever.

It is not the methods we use to bring together couples, methods that have worked for a long time under many and varied circumstances, that are wrong. The methods are correct, it is our imput, our expectations and sense of entitlement that does not allow the method to work.

Just because we try to hammer a nail with our foot does not mean the hammer is useless! It means the hammer is useless because we are using a limb that should never be used for this purpose. Use your hand and the hammer will work!

Have the right hashkofos, look for the right things in a shidduch, look behind just the externals and matches will come about.

FFBs and BT Matches

It is relatively common for FFB (Frum-from-birth) families to look for other FFB families and at least initially reject BT (Baalei Teshuvah) families. Due to the fact that this is a very sore issue, I would like to explain my opinion on the matter. I welcome any comments on the subject as long as they are written with reason and not only emotion.

We have to realize that usually it is difficult for two individuals to adjust their lives, habits and thoughts to live with one another as a married couple. The first year is a period of adjustment for two individuals that are trying to create one entity. A popular line with speakers is that in marrige 1+1=1. When we look for a match we try to match up background and upbringing, as well as goals and philosophies.

In the case of BT’s and FFB’s the upbringing, experiences and background are even more diverse. The enormous achievement of becoming a BT has an effect on the person and his/her children. The mental processes and points of view are disparate from an FFB. In certain cases, such matches work, but that is the exception to the rule. Therefore, when an FFB family rejects a BT shidduch, it is not just because they do not want a match with a BT, rather, it is because it is difficult enough to be married to someone with a similar background, let alone someone with a different point of view and experiences.

It is true that it is also an instinctive reaction to say no to such a shidduch, and maybe at a later time to accept it. When families first start looking they are only paying attention to the "best of the best" of suggestions. As time passes expectations are lowered and other matches are looked into. Everything is directed from above so if a shidduch is rejected it is because it is not the right one. Or it is not the right time. If it is meant to happen it will. Rejecting shidduchim for non-reasons, such as nationality —”I will never marry an Israeli, Frenchie, Australian” etc. or because a parent does not want to be far from a child, is quite common as well.

We all believe we are in this world to achieve a purpose. That purpose can be attained only by using our unique talents and characteristics. That being the case, we want to find someone who will complement our talents and characteristics and we complete theirs, so we can accomplish our life’s work. Let us not get hung up on labels while we look for a shidduch, and let us not get insulted by rejections either.

These are all milestones on the path of finding our Besherte. No one said the road is freshly paved, on the contrary, there are plenty potholes and glitches to be aware of. Esther HaMalka was zoche to rule over 127 countries because her ancestress Sarah Imeinu, used every second of her 127 years in this world. Rabbi Twersky expounds on the verse: “VeAvrohom Zaken, Bo BaYomim” (He came with his days: literally, he came with his days). When Avrohom was old he came with all his days, because he did not regret a single one of them. Avrohom had in Sarah a true “ezer”, a helpmate who could advise him and compliment his tachlis in life. May we be Zoche to find for our S/D the right helpmate who will complement their qualities and help them accomplish their tachlis.