Siblings

I received an email some time ago regarding older siblings who are "holding back" younger ones.
Sometimes the siblings are very close in age, and the older one is not ready or cannot find what s/he needs.
Sometimes the ages are not close, but the first one has had no mazel for the moment. What should a parent do?

When a family has siblings who are close in age, it is expedient when possible to start looking for the older daughter/son early. This way one has more time to find him/her a shidduch, before the younger sister is ready too.

Of course, if the older sister is not ready and one sees no signs of readiness at all, it is more complicated. The situation of a younger sibling who feels caged in by her older sister is a very difficult one for the whole family, and parents in such situations should not leave any option untried. Talking to a Rov, davening, taking on additional hachlotos, saying tehilim, helping other Kallos, tzedokah, etc. Chazal tell us that the gates of tears are always open. May your efforts be recognized, and may all those who need shiduchim soon find their Zivug.

I know about the case of two sisters who are 15 months apart. Everyone always praised the younger one for her beauty, although the older was just as pretty, although in a different way. The parents started looking for her in the middle of Sem Aleph and she got engaged in the middle of her Sem Beis year. Then the second one got married right after.

Unfortunately as they say "man proposes and G-d Disposes" or "man tracht und G-t Lacht". If one part of the couple is not ready, our plans do not work out, but we should not start off being pessimistic. If we look for the right things, minimize our list to the max, and make ourselves the best keily we can be (do our hishtadlus) then most of the time we will be successful.

There are differences in how one deals with girls or boys. To everyone who is in this position, please consult a Rov. Present the whole case to the Rov: how old the older sibling(s) is; how long and what efforts were made to marry them off; the age of the younger sibling(s) who is ready to go; the reasons why the family believe that sibling should go first, etc.

I am going to quote some of the Rebbe’s letters on this subject from Eternal Joy (published by Sichos in English). As you can see--although the Rebbe mentions in the majority of the letters that the younger one can go ahead if certain conditions are met, the Rebbe also says in another letter that the siblings should marry in order of age. Therefore, consult with Daas Torah and do not decide on your own as you are not an objective observer and could come to an erroneous conclusion.

In these letters the Rebbe speaks about sisters, and the Rebbe tells the parents to go slowly ahead with the shidduch of the younger sibling:

“In reply to your letter in which you notify me that a fine shidduch is being suggested for your younger daughter tichyeh, a shidduch that is finding favor by all, but your older daughter tichyeh is not yet married, and you ask my opinion in this matter: You should [first] obtain your older daughter's assent regarding this matter and her forgiveness regarding her sister preceding her in a shidduch. The kishurei hatena'im [of your younger daughter] should be celebrated in a restrained manner, and there should not be too much of a rush to make an early wedding. May it be G-d's will that in the interim your older daughter will find her mate, one that is fitting for her both materially and spiritually, and you will be able to inform me of glad tidings twice over. We do not know the wondrous ways of Divine Providence. It is possible that your older daughter's overcoming her natural inclination to envy her sister and forgiving her [for preceding her in a shidduch] with a perfect heart and true joy, will remove the final obstacle and impediment, and she will find her shidduch very speedily. With blessings that the kishurei hatena'im of your younger daughter take place in a good and auspicious hour, and that you speedily be able to transmit the glad tidings of the kishurei hatena'im of your elder daughter tichyeh.”

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IV, p. 197)

“In reply to your question about the marriage of the younger sister before the older one: Presently, during the time of the four-fold darkness of Ikvesah deMeshicha, when the "Son of David" [i.e., Mashiach] will arrive [only] after all the souls will descend from the "Storehouse of Souls" known as Guf, then if the older sister will forgive [her younger sister] with complete forgiveness, this matter [of her getting married first] has been permitted [by our Sages]. It would be advisable that this forgiveness be in writing or take place in front of two witnesses. Understandably, all this applies only if the young man is G-d-fearing, etc. It would also be appropriate that in addition to the forgiveness, the younger sister as well as the parents set aside some money for the wedding expenses of the elder sister, to be utilized when she becomes engaged in a good and auspicious hour.”

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XV, p. 326)

But in the following letter the Rebbe sees that in this case the situation merits that the younger sibling wait:

“In reply to your letter of Monday, in which you write that up until now a shidduch has not come up for your older daughter, and a shidduch is presently being suggested for your younger daughter: You are to exert yourself to find a proper shidduch for your older daughter - it is known of the many places in which our Sages, of blessed memory, have spoken about the tremendous responsibility that lies on the father to find an appropriate shidduch for his daughters. Since our Nesi'im have been exacting with regard to the verse, "This is not done ... to give away the younger [sister] before the older [sister];" therefore, only afterwards [i.e., only after you find a shidduch for your older daughter], should you seek a shidduch for your younger daughter.”

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 269)

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Our requirements or our children requirements

For the past few weeks I have been writing about making a list. It might sound obsessive, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to start a shidduch search after having narrowed down and isolated the non-negotiable character traits that our children cannot live without.

First of all with the list, our children have provided us with clear black and white directions on what is necessary for them to build a Beis Neeman B'Yisroel. As explained earlier at length, we as parents were fully involved in the list-making, so we're now on the same page as our kids.

This list will help us tell the shadchonim, our family members, our friends, and our entire network precisely what we are looking for.

It may be compared to going to a trade show where there are hundreds of vendors. Some vendors we must see; some we will pass by if we have time, and others we can skip altogether. We only have 6 hours at the show, so our time is precious. We look at the catalog of the show and plot our way, listing all the vendors we must visit in their order of importance. Subsequently, we list the ones we would like to see if we have time. Now with our plan, we will accomplish the most we can in the time we have.

Similarly, we do not want to go aimlessly looking for a "good" boy or girl. We want to be specific, and we want the search to be as quickly and as easily accomplished as Hashgocha protis lets us do it. Therefore, yes, it is a painstaking job, and it will take quite some time. It may be acrimonious at times until we all agree on the goals we are all working for, but it is absolutely and unequivocally necessary to do this at the beginning. Furthermore, when our child will go out on their first date, they will have a frame of reference to see how close the date came to what they really are looking for.
How many of those indispensable character traits were matched?
What additional pleasing traits did they find?
Which trait can be compromised on?
The list becomes a signpost to our destination, and anyone who has driven in a strange city where the streets are not well marked, knows exactly how helpful clear directions are.

A caveat to us parents at this point. We wish the best for our children, and often they will pleasantly surprise us with what they can accomplish or with what direction they want to take.

The shidduch is theirs; the life is theirs, and the Bais they will build is theirs. I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating, the list has to be of their requirements, not of ours. The character traits have to match our children characters and goals, not ours. If the list we have arrived at reflects more our wishes than theirs, we have wasted our time and theirs.

I have spoken to mothers who when asked what they were looking for in a shidduch for their child would say “What I am looking for or my son/daughter is looking for?” Is that a question?

Of course what you child is looking for, you are married already! Let us have parents-child communication! Let us hope this was built into the parent-child relationship from when they were little, because at this point in time it is essential. Know what you child wants, direct and advise them, but what they want is foremost.

I personally know of a case where the parents on both sides liked each other so well that they did not even look at how compatible their children were. The important thing was to be mechutonim. I do not have to tell you how that marriage turned out.

Make a list

Ask your S/D to make a list with all the qualities that their future Chosson/Kallah must have. It is common for our S/D to look for someone who is like their parents, an uncle or an aunt, in short a person they admire. What they need to realize is that when their parents, their uncle etc., married, they were not who they are today.

We have to explain to them that they cannot expect to marry a finished product.

Both husband and wife grew together and enhanced each others talents and gifts in order to achieve the status they have today. What our S/D should look for is those qualities they deem important in an embryonic stage. If the quality is there then, by helping each other, both husband and wife will achieve the maturity and standing they originally wished for.

In order to be able to make a list of qualities which you and your S/D believe are necessary, your S/D must first come to know him/herself. Let your child define who she/he is at this moment. It is important to realize that what we look for in a partner depends on where we are ourselves. What one person looks for just out of Seminary or while “waiting for a shidduch and learning in 770”, is somewhat different if one is now working (even part time) or involved in shlichus away from home. Priorities change, expand and contract.

This list we are making is fluid as mentioned before. Consider this your blueprint for your future, adjust the list according to your circumstances at this time. What the circumstances were last year may not be relevant enough now. And what they will be a year from now, we do not know.

Rejecting Shidduchim

I mentioned last week about the unfortunate habit of rejecting a shidduch out of hand, with very few solid reasons. He/she is not for me, or she/he is not good enough, they live in Australia, they are French, Israeli, Crowh Heightzers, they have red hair and so on and so forth, are not concrete reasons. Even more, if your child says no because a friend went out with this person and it did not work out that is not a good reason. In fact, that is a major problem, not only in our community but anywhere, and not just with girls but with boys too. Teach your children not to discuss their dates with their friends, ever! There are issues of Loshon Hora, into which I will go into in a future post. But aside from that all important fact, this kind of gossip can destroy a true zivug. I prefer not to discuss this at length now, because the present topic, what and how parents and young man or woman should get ready to look for in a shidduch is very important, But please all of you out there, who are presently involved in shidduchim, think carefully before saying no. Do not think that shidduchim come with a written guarantee of getting your zivug no matter what. You have bechira in this too. If one rejects a zivug, one may get a second chance but not davka. There is a story story about a bocher who brought a list of names to get a Brocha for shiduchim from a godol, (not in Lubavitch). The godol said that the majority had already met and rejected their zivug and of those, 5 had lost it completely because their zivug was married with children. If this makes you hesitate a fraction of a second before saying no next time, it is worth it. In conclusion, especially in today’s climes when it seems so much more difficult to find and make shiduchim, do not reject a possible suggestion out of hand.

What Are You Looking For?

A parent may think they have an idea of what their child needs and likes.

They could be totally wrong.

You need to sit down with your child and discuss what each of you wants.
It may sound facetious but think of it as it is sung in “Fiddler on the Roof”: “For papa, make him a scholar. For mama as rich as a king. For me, … if he was as handsome as anything.”

Everyone, parents and children, have requirements. Now is the time to put them on the table. When parents know exactly what the child is looking for, they will not refuse a viable shidduch because of mis-communication. This should be a reciprocal conversation between the parent or the person in loco parentis, and the child. This must not be a confrontational discussion; rather it is a brainstorming session.

Parents! Do not believe only you know best!

You should suggest or direct your child towards important points, but you have to realize that your child is the one who will get married, and therefore, your child’s requests and wishes should be seriously considered. After all, as we have discussed in previous posts, your child is now mature enough to get married, so he is mature enough to know what he wants.

Your suggestions will be welcomed by your S/D (maybe with a roll of the eyes), but the ultimate decision must be theirs. It is their life!
On the other hand, if your child is looking for the wrong type of spouse who will not complement their qualities and character, and will not take your advice, have a third party they respect, such as a mashpia, speak to them. If your S/D is still being unreasonable and will not accept advice or redirection, then maybe this child is not mature enough to approach this step, and the subject may have to be shelved until later.

It is common that new ideas have to percolate and steep sometimes before they are accepted. Give your S/D (son, daughter) time to assimilate your words. Maybe when the subject comes up again they will now see the wisdom in your suggestion and maybe even think the idea is theirs!

This dialogue is actually good practice. Our children will have to be able to see their spouse’s point of view and not remain stubbornly attached to their own opinion. This is a good lesson in compromise and a sign of their readiness for marriage. It is also a very good occasion to see the sagacity of your child. Can they maintain a serious conversation without flying into a tantrum? Can they listen - not just hear- to the other side’s statement without interrupting and then answer in a logical and well thought-out way?
Incidentally, this is a skill which many long-time married couples have not quite mastered!

Decisions reached at this point are not by any means etched in stone. They can be changed, revised, reinstated, crossed off again and again as the search for a shidduch progresses, because priorities may shift or change.

There are times when name after name comes up, and none of them seem right for your child. When that happens, it is time to re-evaluate and see if you are being too picky or too unrealistic. Look over your lists again!

All our S/Ds are precious, but we as parents should not stand in their way by putting too high of “a price” on them. It has happened more often than necessary that a parent has refused numerous appropriate shidduchim because they were not “good enough” for their S/D. This was due entirely to the parent’s inflated ideas and not based on any real fault on the part of the proposed shidduch.

When looking for a shidduch let us not get sidetracked looking specifically for wealth, beauty and other external things. We are derailing our purpose with such narrow focus.

It could be that a proposed shidduch is not a good fit. Certainly do not accept the match, but if too many offers are rejected on spurious reasons, it is time to reconsider. It could be our priorities are skewed or our objective unreasonable or nonexistent — we will discuss this further in a separate section. In such a case, an objective observer, a mashpia, or a friend of the family should be consulted for their opinion. It is best if they know both you and your child. You can then put all the facts before them: This is what we are; this is what we are looking for; this is why we have rejected previous matches. Don’t be afraid to open up and ask for help from a mashpia or a mumche in shidduchim. Your child’s future is at stake, so do not be shy -- ask for advice. It is important to be as fair as possible when we reject a shidduch. More on this important topic another time.

Time to start

Once you have established that your child is ready to start looking, you need to open a dialogue with your S/D to discuss shiduchim, priorities, needs etc. Which parent will have this conversation with the young man or woman depends on your family dynamics. Sometimes, one parent has a better relationship with a S/D than the other. Let that parent broach the subject.
It could be that the parent that “takes care” of shiduchim is not the appropriate parent to have a heart-to-heart with the kalah meidel or chosen bocher. Let the other parent have the conversation and pass on the results. In the event a child has issues with both parents, a mashpia or other person close to the child should be asked to step in and have this conversation with him or her.
Just because there are strained relations between the child and the parents does not mean the parents should abdicate responsibility for this very important issue. If they cannot deal with it directly, they are responsible to ensure that others help their child navigate the churning sea of shidduchim.
Even if you live on shlichus in a far or isolated place, you have to make the effort to help your son or daughter. Make the first call to the Shadchan or to friends and family in a more populated area. Do not make your child do this on his/her own. They need your guidance no matter how independent they seem!
Keep in touch with all those involved by phone, email or snail mail, whatever you prefer. Show your child that you are concerned about their welfare and that you are following the matter closely.
The responsibility of success does not lie only on their young inexperienced shoulders.
The Rebbe writes in Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p.314, that it is the parents responsibility and, in particular, it is incumbent on the father to arrange the marriage of his daughter. In Vol. XI, p. 226, the Rebbe mentions that it is the father’s obligation to marry off a son.Do not postpone looking for a shiduch for your child. The Rebbe repeatedly told young people not to wait to get married. The time may never be perfectly right, and then, too many years may have passed, and it becomes much more difficult.•

FFBs and BT Matches

It is relatively common for FFB (Frum-from-birth) families to look for other FFB families and at least initially reject BT (Baalei Teshuvah) families. Due to the fact that this is a very sore issue, I would like to explain my opinion on the matter. I welcome any comments on the subject as long as they are written with reason and not only emotion.

We have to realize that usually it is difficult for two individuals to adjust their lives, habits and thoughts to live with one another as a married couple. The first year is a period of adjustment for two individuals that are trying to create one entity. A popular line with speakers is that in marrige 1+1=1. When we look for a match we try to match up background and upbringing, as well as goals and philosophies.

In the case of BT’s and FFB’s the upbringing, experiences and background are even more diverse. The enormous achievement of becoming a BT has an effect on the person and his/her children. The mental processes and points of view are disparate from an FFB. In certain cases, such matches work, but that is the exception to the rule. Therefore, when an FFB family rejects a BT shidduch, it is not just because they do not want a match with a BT, rather, it is because it is difficult enough to be married to someone with a similar background, let alone someone with a different point of view and experiences.

It is true that it is also an instinctive reaction to say no to such a shidduch, and maybe at a later time to accept it. When families first start looking they are only paying attention to the "best of the best" of suggestions. As time passes expectations are lowered and other matches are looked into. Everything is directed from above so if a shidduch is rejected it is because it is not the right one. Or it is not the right time. If it is meant to happen it will. Rejecting shidduchim for non-reasons, such as nationality —”I will never marry an Israeli, Frenchie, Australian” etc. or because a parent does not want to be far from a child, is quite common as well.

We all believe we are in this world to achieve a purpose. That purpose can be attained only by using our unique talents and characteristics. That being the case, we want to find someone who will complement our talents and characteristics and we complete theirs, so we can accomplish our life’s work. Let us not get hung up on labels while we look for a shidduch, and let us not get insulted by rejections either.

These are all milestones on the path of finding our Besherte. No one said the road is freshly paved, on the contrary, there are plenty potholes and glitches to be aware of. Esther HaMalka was zoche to rule over 127 countries because her ancestress Sarah Imeinu, used every second of her 127 years in this world. Rabbi Twersky expounds on the verse: “VeAvrohom Zaken, Bo BaYomim” (He came with his days: literally, he came with his days). When Avrohom was old he came with all his days, because he did not regret a single one of them. Avrohom had in Sarah a true “ezer”, a helpmate who could advise him and compliment his tachlis in life. May we be Zoche to find for our S/D the right helpmate who will complement their qualities and help them accomplish their tachlis.

Evaluation II

Both parents and children might postpone looking for a shidduch because of financial reasons.

The parents don't have the money for a wedding, and the children (especially the boys) feel that they do not have the wherewithal or the skills yet to support a family.

In the Igros Kodesh, Vol.XII, p. 149, the Rebbe writes to someone who is having difficulty in business. The Rebbe exhorts him to follow to the letter the instructions received previously from the Frierdiker Rebbe. The young man had been specifically instructed to first get a shidduch and only THEN go into business. The Rebbe concludes with a ma'amar Chazal which teaches us that a man is blessed because of his wife.

If one looks though the Igros, it is easy to see this is recurring advice. Do not postpone looking for a shidduch because of financial matters. Even though it might be difficult for the parents to afford a wedding, they should not lag in finding shiduchim for their children. One must have Emunah that HKB"H will enable us to find ways and means to meet our obligations.

If there are financial problems, one should limit the wedding expenses. There are organizations that B"H help with this. Let us lower our expectations and not try to compete with the Plony Almonys.

Especially these days where everyone has to be careful with their finances it is an appropriate time to lower wedding extravaganzas. A wedding is enjoyable because of the family's Varemkeit and graciousness towards their guests. Many home-made or low-cost touches can make a difference without breaking the bank. Get advice from people who make weddings for Chassanim and Kallot who require financial help, and they will surely advise you how to trim the budget. The important thing is that the kids should get married and that we do our job in helping them find the right shiduch.

Some pointers to your child's maturity for marriage:
❧ Able to envision oneself building a family ❧ Mature ❧ Independent ❧ Self supportive ❧ Responsible ❧ Reliable ❧ Ready and able to make a lifelong commitment ❧ Not egocentric ❧ Ready to sacrifice their comfort ❧ Compromise to benefit others ❧ Be ready and able to communicate wants and feelings to others ❧ Realistic ❧ Giving

When you help your children look for a life partner it is necessary to be very truthful with yourself and with your S/D. You have to make a cheshbon of your and your child’s abilities, and know where you and your child stand in regards to frumkeit, health, money, and other aspects people look at during shidduchim.

If there are health problems in the family (and please be up front with these problems when you talk to the shadchan), you might have to compromise on your ideal shidduch. If you come from a Baal Teshuva, family you should be aware that there might be some Frum-from -Birth families that will not look at your S/D. Remember, fairness is not the issue here!

The First Step: Evaluate Your Child

We need to look at our child and assess their readiness to form a family of their own. How to decide if your child is ready?

Each case and each child is different. We know that intellectually; Let us apply it practically.

Just because one child went in one direction and the other one has paid lip service to our belief that they are exactly like their brother or sister, now is the time to listen to their voices, to hear what they think they want.

We are not just stating the obvious. Many times parents do not realize that even if two children may seem to be very similar, they are still individuals with individual wants and needs. Just as each labor and delivery is unique, so too, each child's needs are unique, and their shiduchim are unique. When our Chachomim tell us "Chanoch L'Naar al pi Darko" (teach the child according to his needs,) they are directing us to be specific in dealing with each of our children.

Often where there is a close relationship between parent and child, the parent can see the signs that the child has reached the maturity necessary for marriage. In other cases the child may openly tell the parents s/he is ready to be married. In still other cases, the child might be mature enough to marry, but not secure enough of his/her feelings to believe themselves ready for such a commitment. They might even feel so insecure that they won't broach the subject with their parents. It is up to the parents to talk to their children and to encourage them.

Some kids believe they have to be perfect themselves before trying to raise a family. As we all know, perfection is a chimera. Until Moshiach comes we live in an imperfect world. Explain to them that no one is perfect, and no one gets married knowing all that there is to know. Marriage means maturing, growing and learning together. If you believe your S/D is ready for a shidduch, say so, and encourage your child to go ahead.

On the other hand, do not push a child who is not ready. It will only backfire. The bottom line is that it rests upon us as parents to look at our children and determine when they reach the right time. Evaluate their capabilities and their maturity. Then if they are ready - even though WE may feel WE are NOT ready for this -go ahead and start looking into shiduchim.

If you are not good at reading your children or even if you are, get advice from a Mashpia, someone who knows your family and your child well and can advise you. Age alone is no indication of readiness. Some kids are more ready at a young an age than others who are years older.

In some cases the kids have had a friend who has gone though a bad experience in marriage, or r"l the parents' marriage is not one to make an example of. They are understandably scared of getting married themselves. It is beneficial to have a mentor, a mashpia, and sometimes a trained professional speak with them to alleviate their fears, and help them go through with shidduchim. Doing this before one starts with shidduchim will prevent a valid and good shidduch falling apart because of fear of marriage.

Generally, I believe that it is a good thing to start looking earlier rather than later. First of all, if the couple is younger when they marry, they are more flexible about each other's foibles, and they are not so set in their ways that compromise is difficult. They are also more idealistic and less "earth bound" pragmatic, cynic, or what you would call it.

Secondly, when our child has enjoyed his/her own independence, with his/her own money, job, and maybe apartment, the demands for the qualities a mate has to have become more detailed and more insistent. Our child may believe they are more "in touch" with what is good for them than a parent and they may not let themselves be guided by a parent as easily as when they were younger and more unsure of their opinions. They may find it difficult to give up hard won independence and have to share with another person, even more, have to adjust their life and make "space" for someone else.

This is especially true of older singles that have an established career (which in the case of a girl, might have to continue in a different city). At their stage they may try to find someone who will fit into their lives, and will not make allowances for major changes in their own lives or lifestyles. Suffice it to say that it is easier all around if we have the zechus and the Siyata d'Shmaya to marry off our children when they are (relatively) younger.