Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Make a list

Ask your S/D to make a list with all the qualities that their future Chosson/Kallah must have. It is common for our S/D to look for someone who is like their parents, an uncle or an aunt, in short a person they admire. What they need to realize is that when their parents, their uncle etc., married, they were not who they are today.

We have to explain to them that they cannot expect to marry a finished product.

Both husband and wife grew together and enhanced each others talents and gifts in order to achieve the status they have today. What our S/D should look for is those qualities they deem important in an embryonic stage. If the quality is there then, by helping each other, both husband and wife will achieve the maturity and standing they originally wished for.

In order to be able to make a list of qualities which you and your S/D believe are necessary, your S/D must first come to know him/herself. Let your child define who she/he is at this moment. It is important to realize that what we look for in a partner depends on where we are ourselves. What one person looks for just out of Seminary or while “waiting for a shidduch and learning in 770”, is somewhat different if one is now working (even part time) or involved in shlichus away from home. Priorities change, expand and contract.

This list we are making is fluid as mentioned before. Consider this your blueprint for your future, adjust the list according to your circumstances at this time. What the circumstances were last year may not be relevant enough now. And what they will be a year from now, we do not know.

Resting on our bitochon

The "preferred" age for marriage has fluctuated depending on external political factors. Generations ago people in Europe married before or in their 20's, then came the war and people got married (or remarried) in their 30's and 40's. Then the age of marriage came down to a "normal" 18-22. There were always some girls and boys who did not find their besherte until they were older. Today it seems like there are so many more older boys and girls still unmatched. All are great kids. Why are they not married yet?

There are a lot of complaints about shadchonim: there are not enough, they only care about certain families, they do not do enough, they do not call back and other typical gripes. Whatever our perception of shadchonim is, should not really be an impediment to finding the right shidduch for your S/D. Sure, a shadchan that takes you from the first moment until the kinyan and beyond, would be great. On the other hand, how many things in this life are handed to us on a platter?

When we look for a job or an apartment, we exert ourselves, go to interviews, talk to everyone we meet, and, in general, leave no stone unturned. If we put our energies and minds to the task of shidduchim as we do with other tasks, the chances of success, with or without a shadchan, will be very good.

After all, do we not say in the 12 Pesukin: If someone says, 'Yagati ve lo matzati, al ta'amin' 'I have searched, and I have not found," don't believe him. (If someone says, "I have not worked hard and I have succeeded," don't believe him. If someone says, "I have worked hard, and I have been successful," believe him! (Moed, Megilla, 6b)): Here it bears repeating that we must do our best and put our best efforts forward without forgetting that our "partner ", the Aibishter, is really doing the lion share of the work and when He deems that it is the right time it will happen.

In my personal experience, only one out of three shiduchim (so far), went through a professional shadchan. Family and close friends were the shliach HKB"H sent for the other two. Our family, friends and neighbors are de facto shadchonim. Let us not wring our hands and say that there are no professional shadchonim who can help us. Let us not complain ad infinitum that most shadchonim these days give us only names and do not really try to match up personalities. In a world that wants everything to be easy and instant (and throwaway) shidduchim are a rude wake up call. Suddently it take effort to accomplish our goal! Why is this surprising to us yidden? Isn't yiddishkeit a training in effort? Do we not put effort in davening, yirat shamayim, keeping mitzvos, doing mivtzoim, learning, teaching etc.? Or do we just coast and do things by rote.

I heard and explanation about the very oft quoted Gemorah "kashe zivugo shel odom kekrias yamsuf" (which some explain to refer only to Zivug sheini). The speaker (I forgot who it was) mentioned that just like the Yamsuf did not split until the Yidden cried for it to happen and Nachshom ben Aminodov actually went into the waters up to his neck (Sota 37b; Shemos Rabba 21:10), the same way a shidduch needs our comlete immersion (pun intended). The yidden were apprehensive about entering the Yamsuf and Nachshon had enough bitochon to go into the waters. We are all apprehensive about entering the sea of shidduchim, but we must have enough bitochon to do our hishtadlus and rely that HKB"H will bring about a shidduch. Krias Yamsuf happened just before dawn. The same way when one is looking for a shidduch it feels like s/he is in darkness and there is no relief, that is when our davening is the most heartfelt and sincere, and that brings about Hashem's yeshua.

Furthermore, the sea split 12 ways one for each shevet, just as each shevet had their own derech so does each person. Each one should find their own hishtadlus and their own individual path that will bring them to find their zivug.

Shidduchim is a challenge that needs our full effort, and our bitochon. We must believe that Hakodosh Boruch Hu will send us the right shliach and the right zivug for our children. But we also need to do our part. Knowing that it is "beshert" that hashgacha protis will bring us the right match, no matter if from next door or another continent does not mean we wait for it like "manna from heaven". We must search and ask and research, and accept defeat, and sometimes insult. And then it will happen, in a blink, the right one will come along, the research will be uncomplicated, things we thought so important become irrelevant, and we stand with a bright smile accepting congratulations!

What you will see in the following chapters is common sense practical advice. It may be something that makes you exclaim: "duh" (to use current slang), but even if it is obvious to you it may be news to someone else. Bear with me.

Marriages are made in Heaven

This is certainly no chidush. We all know marriages are made in heaven, so why mention it at all and why first thing?

Although we are all aware of this concept in theory; practically, while we are involved in our search for a shiduch, we might forget this and lose sight of where it all comes from: Shamaim, Heaven.

It is precisely when we lose sight of this important point that we get stressed out, anxious and upset, etc.

If, for example, a shiduch falls through, we should not blame the people who gave references, or the gossip, or the shadchen. It is simply that this shiduch was not meant to be. You are now one step closer to the right match.

Just as the name of the right zivug is called out 40 days after conception, so are the names of all the shidduchim one goes through before meeting the right zivug. Therefore, if a shidduch suggestion falls through, it is a good thing, this brings us ever closer to the right one. Everyone believes their (Son or Daughter) S/D is superior, but you need to realize that your terrific S/D might be perfect with Mr./Ms "A", and not with Mr./Ms "B". If Mr./Ms "B" tells you "no", they are not rejecting you or your S/D, it's just a mismatch.

As long as we all believe, (truly believe) that marriages are from heaven, we will not be upset or insulted by a rejection.

I do believe this should become the mantra of all the people in the "parsha". If you are rejected it is beshert it should happen, if your neighbor gave a bad reference it is beshert it should happen, if you cannot get in contact with the reference and you have to call someone else it is beshert it should happen. Have bitochon, BUT, daven, daven, daven and do as much hishtadlus as you can. Push your personal envelope and do extra.

We are not being fatalistic by saying this. We must do our Hishtadlus and make ourselves into a Keily by talking to shadchonim, friends and family. We must go to the Ohel and say tehilim and give tzedokah. We must do all we can do, to bring about the desired shiduch, but we must realize that we don't have control over whether a particular suggestion works or not.

We must have the bitachon that eventually the right shiduch will come along. When it comes we will recognize it and it will be exactly what we need. Everyone is familiar with the Medrash in Parshas Vayetzeh, which describes Rabbi Yosei Ben Chalafta's conversation with the Roman Matrona. She asked him what was keeping G-d busy since the creation of the world and Rabbi Yosei replied that G-d was busy making matches. The noblewoman derided the Rav, saying she could do it just as well; in a short span of time she paired off 100 maid-servants with 100 man-servants.

Unfortunately, things did not go as smooth as she thought they would go. Her servants were not happy with their matches and some received major injuries. She called back Rabbi Yosei Ben Chalafta to praise his G-d. This Medrash reminds us how difficult making a match can be, and how Hakodosh Baruch Hu is right there helping us along. On our own, we would have the same unfortunate consequences as the Roman Matrona.