Consider who you are talking to.

When doing research, consider who you are talking to.

If you are talking to a close friend of yours who also knows the other side, then you are on more even ground, as you know what their standards are and how they judge, and you can put the answers in a proper prospective. I

f you do not know the person you are calling for information, be careful what weight you put on the answers. If something you hear is raising a flag, ask specific questions to clarify what you are hearing, you may have misunderstood or the person at the other end meant something different. It is much easier to clarify things right away, rather that later. Also, do not automatically say no. Do further research on that one point until you are very sure that the facts are true, and it is something undesirable to you.

Some other possible questions: What is their connection to the Rebbe? What part does the Rebbe play in their lives? (this is not a “meshichist” or “anti” question). Are the parents hands on parents or more laissez faire. Was there sholom bayis in their home? Do they have a lot of emotional baggage? Is she open-minded? ( what does open minded mean to you?) Is the family open-minded? Are they straightforward and honest, or is there a hidden agenda, and you don’t really know their intentions? Are they open to change, or do they dread it? How do they act with strangers: are they respectful with all kinds of people, janitors, cleaning ladies, shopkeepers, kids, secretaries yidden and goyim etc.? Are they a ‘good listener’? Are they always thinking of the next project, or do they take time to really give you their whole attention? Do they set attainable goals or just castles in the sky? Do they go with the flow, or do they know where they are going? Do they have a mashpia? Do they follow advice or prefer their own counsel? What is their conversation like? Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Centuries ago, Machiavelli (Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli born in 1469 and diplomat and adviser to the Medici family, known for his work “The Prince” and Discourses on Livy) noted in “The Prince”: “The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by things that seem, than by those that are.” Or as Rabbi Yehudah HaNossi (the prince) used to say: “Al tistakel b’kankan elah b’ma sheyeysh bo.” Don’t look at the flask, but at its contents.

Lets ask some more

• What are her hobbies?

The reason we ask this question is that hobbies give us another insight into the personality: if a person’s hobby is reading, and the other person's hobby is white water rafting, we can see immediately how different those personalities are.

We can gain insight in character by the hobbies a person has as well. For example: a person whose hobby is genealogy research has a sense of family, history and an inquisitive mind. A person who likes to travel, is able to assimilate new things and is comfortable in strange places. Someone who does photography has an eye for detail and so on.

Sometimes a hobby is something we wish we could do full time if we did not have to eat.

• Does she say ChiTas? Does she daven every day, etc?

Find questions that will tell you the level the girl is at. Asking if she is Chassidish these days means so many different things to so many people that one really has to be specific. This applies to boys and girls.

If Davening every day is important to you, then ask. If going to shul every Shabbos is the level you are aiming for, then ask about it. To ask how frum a person is a very subjective question, but asking a specific thing that is important to you gives you an insight.

• Does she have a lot of friends? Is she dedicated to her friends?

Neither a no nor a yes answer is negative. This just amplifies your previous question of how sociable she is. Most people have a lot of acquaintances but a limited amount of close friends. Asking this question might reveal that this girl always tries to help out her friends, or she is the one everyone goes to for advice, or she is the one to go shopping with. This will give you further insight in her character.

• Does she have a sense of humor?

Humor in life is a necessity not a luxury. If one can laugh at oneself and take oneself less seriously, it defuses a lot of little incidents that could become big. One can minimize problems by seeing the humor in them. We are not talking of a letz, a joker that finds everything a reason for mockery. That is not a good trait. We are discussing someone who has a positive reaction to a negative situation.

A person with a good sense of humor is easier to live with than someone who is serious and intense.

• Does she have common sense?

It is hard to have this question answered truthfully. Most people will say yes without giving it a thought. According to the dictionary common sense is good practical understanding, sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence. Also from the dictionary: “Common sense is not so common.”

Maybe a better question would be: is she a practical person. Does she simplify tasks, does she easily visualize solutions. Of course these questions show a lot more than common sense.

It is worth repeating that one should have specific questions that target qualities that are important to our son or daughter. We want to know weather our child can live with this person so we ask those questions which will bring to light possible conflicts or confirm positive points. We will never figure out the entire person just from research, it is useless to try.

• Is she a morning or a night person?

It is easier if both partners are the same. This way one is not drooping when the other is getting into gear, but this is definitely not a deal breaker.

Is she a half glass full or empty kind of person?

Optimism, like humor is a great quality to have, and again it is only important to the extent that it will effect her partner.

• What do you consider her best quality? (subjective question) What is the one thing that comes to mind when one mentions her name?

Try to have the person limit the answer to one quality only. Do not accept a wishy-washy answer. "She is a great girl", is too general.

• What do you consider her worst defect? (subjective question)

You are not expecting a major chissaron to be revealed here. Someone may say, she is often late, or she is absentminded, or she talks too much on the phone, etc. Those are all acceptable, but if someone cannot come up with even one minor drawback, then I would ask some more questions and call some more people. Everyone has some failing and if they cannot think of a minor one to tell you maybe there is a major one they cannot get out of their mind. On the other hand, they really do not know the person that well and cannot think of one.

Please do a thorough research but not an obsessive one.

More ???

• Does she have an even temperament.

Give examples of what you mean- (subjective question).

Is she moody, one minute having a smiling disposition and the next upset or angry. Often moodiness may be a warning sign of other more serious problems.

• Does she have a temper?

This one can be combines with the previous question although they are not really the same. Temper was discussed at length in a previous article regarding boys’ questions. Not only boys have tempers. Girls can have them too. Find out how she acts when angered. Does she sulk, hold grudges? Does she retreat into offended dignity for ages? Does it quickly blown over, etc.?

A woman's anger is generally less intimidating than a man’s; therefore often, one does not consider this an important point, but it is good to know if a girl is prone to outbursts or is generally even-tempered.

Think of how your son's temperament is and direct the question as counterpoint. If your son has a very long fuse and does not anger easily, then someone who is more volatile may be ok, but if he has a short fuse and so does she, it might lead to too many sparks.

• Question: Is she neat, organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question).

Some boys must have neatness around them in order to feel relaxed or even to be able to think calmly. Others can function in the middle of a tornado. Some people are very organized in their thoughts; therefore, the chaos around them does not affect them as much, but for people whose thought processes are not so organized, having neatness and a seder around is essential. If you, the mother, are very conscientious in your cleaning and would not dream to leave a dish in the sink before going to bed no matter how tired you are, find out if that is a quality your son values or if he barely notices. If the wife of such a boy is more concerned with having a warm house (warmkeit in yiddish not warm as in heat) than a spotless house, will this engender discord among the couple?

• Question: Is she careful with tznius?

It is a sad fact that we as a community are not as careful with tznius as we once were. Because we work closely with people in all stages of kiruv, we are anesthetized against seeing something problematic in tznius. We accept that people will go around without stockings in the summer, or wear skirts that are short with slits or barely cover the knees and collars that are a little too open, and so on and so forth.

This is also due to our openness to the world at large: we are bombarded by ads and magazines and goyishe ideals that have nothing to do with our ideal of beauty or modesty.

It is also a question of education. For whatever reason, if one mentions the word tznius in conversation, it is taboo just like religion and politics; it is bound to raise animosity and resistance.

In reality, tznius is a beautiful thing. It is a well of self confidence that women and girls have that enables us to dress in a pleasant and pleasing way and still retain our dignity, our regal worth. It allows us to feel well-dressed and au-currant without running after every twitch and twist of the fashion world. It enables us to be appreciated for who we are and not for what we wear.

So to get back to our question, we have a lot of different levels in our neighborhood, and I have come across the fact that an eminently suitable girl will be rejected because her hems are too high or she does not wear stockings. The decision to look more fashionable so that she attracts the right attention, or some would say to be more comfortable, is preventing a great girl from making a good shidduch. We are letting our standards slip, and it is not beneficial in any way.

So, if your son is concerned that his wife wear the right length and be stricter with her tznius, this question should be asked. And it should be asked also when your son does not have a personal opinion at this point, but you do not wish your daughter-in-law to sit across from you at your table dressed in an unsuitable manner. This encompasses a whole other topic of course, and I know a lot of people will be riled up (did I not write it is like talking politics where no one can agree?), but I find it incomprehensible how young couples can so blatantly insult parents in their own home.

• Question: Is she fashion-conscious, obsessed?

All we want to know is if she is obsessed by fashion and must always try the latest styles or does she dress stylishly but have other areas of interest besides the latest color in vogue. I knew someone who was very difficult to talk to because her world revolved around clothes and fashion.

For the right boy such a girl is eminently suitable. Her kids will always be dressed to the nines and her house will be a showplace.

• Is the family a close knit family?

This question matters to some people and is totally irrelevant to others. Sometimes your family loves the match suggested but may have some issues with a close relative. In such a case, you might want to know in advance how close the family is. It should not make a difference to the shidduch if other more important things are fine, but it is good to know.

Another reason for the question is, for example, if your family is very tight and always spend Yomim Tovim together, this answer gives you a heads up to how much you will have to share. If both families are close you will have to juggle visits and reunions. When only one side is close knit it might be difficult for the other to understand why s/he is always on the phone with their family, or is always visiting and so on.

• Is she sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. (subjective question)

This question might have gotten an answer when you asked about temperament. If not, it is an essential question as you should know if the girl is introverted or very outgoing (to mention two extremes). Don’t match a very social and outgoing person with a homebody who would rather stay home with a sefer than go out and visit. It will not really draw out the shy partner. It will make it a point of contention between the two if one is always wishing to go out and the other wants to spend the evening relaxing at home. If one side is a little more friendly and gregarious than the other, the one will draw the other one out some. As long as they are not at the polar opposites they will influence their partner a bit, but when the differences are too far apart then they will only get on each others nerves. Naturally, there are always exceptions, but before you think you are one of those exceptions, consider well.

Questions on Girls

Here are some questions that you may want to ask when researching a girl:

• What Seminary did she go to?

We ask what Sem a girl went to because it gives us a basic idea of what kind of a girl she is. Choosing a sem should be individualized according to the girl needs. We should find a sem for our daughters that will give them the possibility to grow and become capable independent women who know their own worth.

Some girls go to seminaries that emphasize learning. Some go to sems that give courses in possible future enterprises, such as sewing or hair/wig care. There are different kind of sems for different characters. Knowing where a girl went might give one an idea of where this girl is heading. Often girls will just go to one sem or another because their friends are going there, or their sisters went there. That does not disprove what is said above. After all a girl who is not interested in learning will not go to an intensive learning program, just because some of her friends will go there.

• What is she doing now?

Rounds out our picture of the girl. If she is in shlichus, or teaching, or working, it will tell us how she is managing her time.

• Did she go on shlichus after Sem?

• What does she want to do, teach, work in an office, go to college, shlichus etc?

• What did she do with her summers?

• Is she shy or lebedick

Give examples of what you mean - I explained in the boys list of questions what we are trying to achieve with a particular question. I will not repeat here what was covered before. Some questions are appropriate for both boys and girls so look at both lists, it may be I did not repeat it.

I will digress to share a story someone related recently. I do not know if the story is true or not as the one who told me the story did not know the protagonists, but it clearly illustrates a very important point.

A shadchan offered a match to a family, Rabbi and Mrs. Plony. Their son was a well-liked boy with good midos who knew how to learn. The parents naturally wished the best match for him. They investigated the proposed name, but the results were not encouraging. No one said outright that there was anything wrong with the person, but there were rumors, generalities, and unfounded objections. Therefore, they decided not to continue with this shidduch and told the shadchan that they were not interested.

Mrs. Plony was upset that another initially promising lead had come to nothing. The constant high and lows were very wearying, so after talking to the shadchan, she went to the Kosel to daven that her son find his besherte. While pouring her heart out at the Kosel, a girl stood next to her, davening herself with apparent deep sincerity. When the girl saw the tears in the older woman eyes, she approached her to see if there was any way she could be of help, and Mrs. Plony got into a conversation with her. When Mrs. Plony mentioned she was from a particular sect of Chassidim, the girl asked her if she knew of a family Plony that belonged to that sect. Without revealing her own name, the very surprised lady asked the girl why she was inquiring of them. The girl answered that a certain shadchan had offered the son of this family as a shidduch, but after hearing that they were looking into it, she did not hear anything further, and therefore, she was making limited inquiries into the family herself to see if it was a possibility. That is why she had come to the Kosel -- to daven for Siata D'shmaya that she may soon find her shidduch. After some more conversation, Mrs. Plony discovered that this was a very warm-hearted girl, intelligent, and with good middos -- just what she was looking for her son.

She revealed herself as that Mrs. Plony the girl was trying to find, and a short time later the couple was engaged.

The nimshol of the story is clear to everyone. If you are not happy with the answers you receive, or have unsubstantiated objections, or do not have enough people to ask, do not throw away the shidduch but refine your search; ask more pertinent questions; insist on confirmed information, ask friends if they know anyone in the area or if they know anyone who might know this family.

Why put the Eibishter to the extra trouble (such as to make the mother and the girl meet) because one has let themselves be swayed by rumors and hearsay.

But like every coin has two sides, if your tendency is to examine everything with a magnifying glass and then to go for the microscope, take a step back and do not examine so much. Stick to the important traits and questions and forget the irrelevant questions about scraping the dishes or tying the shoes. Asking if he has a good voice or not may be appropriate when hiring a chazzan, but it will not make or break a marriage. At least not as a rule.

Another point I wish to bring up. In every group there are popular name, so for example by us there are a lot of Mushkies, Nechamas, or Mendels and Yosef Itzchaks. Sometimes in a family there are cousins with the same name who are very close in age. Be careful when looking for information that what you get is for the right person. One shidduch never came about because the information was relayed that the girl was introverted, when in reality that was the cousin and not her.

So on to the questions. Let me say again that there are probably other questions that you might find important that I have not listed (write me a note) and questions which I have listed that you may find irrelevant.

Common research questions

Herewith follows a list of some of the most common questions generally asked when doing research.

I wish to re-emphasize the importance of research. It is not an outdated practice; it is not (generally) a hunt for irrelevant details; it is a job that parents or mashpiim must do to prevent possible disasters down the line. When a boy and a girl go out, it is not fair to ask them to find out background information that their parents should have found out in advance. During the first few dates asking information is awkward for the couple, and later when feelings are involved, it is difficult for the young people to get the information their parents could have gotten before they met.

When a couple goes out, they should only have to judge if there is any connection between themselves, any reciprocal feeling. They should not have to dig for family information.

Basic questions about the family:

• Family composition -

• how many siblings,
  how many are married and
  to whom.
  Who are the grandparents
  If it is of interest to you, ask about the family's yichus
  

• Family Status -
  Parents are married, divorced
  FFB, BT
  What do the parents do for a living
  

• Do the siblings get along?

• Family health: are there any major problems in the family which might compound health weaknesses in your family, i.e. Diabetes?

• How is the family regarded in the community?

• If it happens that the parents of the suggested Shidduch were divorced, one should find out if the prospective mate had the opportunity to observe a happy, normal marriage. Do not automatically reject children of divorced parents. A child of a divorced couple can be just as well adjusted as a child of a couple who stayed married. Probably better adjusted than the child of those cases when the parents stayed married but the child was exposed to constant strife between them. If a child of divorce has been able to observe a regular happy household, either by friends or on shlichus etc, there is no reason why this person cannot have a happy married life notwithstanding his/her parents divorce.

• If one of the families are Cohanim, they will have particular questions requiring answers because of the rigorous halachos regarding marriage of Cohanim.

Questions about boys next time.

Cont'd Dr. Mittman on Health Research

Dr. Mittman continues writing:

" Genetic Assessment
The organization Dor Yeshorim has increased awareness of genetics in the Orthodox community. The testing it provides is one way to alert people considering marriage as to whether, together, they are likely to have children with a specific genetic condition, such as cystic fibrosis, Tay Sachs, Canavan disease, or Bloom syndrome.
In regard to other illnesses and conditions, however, my research has unraveled many erroneous beliefs. Do they constitute a genetic condition or not? As an Orthodox physician articulated to me, “People often call me with genetic questions. There are lots of different disorders, and many people don’t have any idea whether they are genetic, or even important.”

Getting an accurate genetic risk assessment in a quick phone inquiry is rather tricky. First of all, genetics is a complex science, and demands a close familiarity with the rapidly evolving nature of the field and emerging findings of human genome research. Moreover, only a careful examination of the health history of both sides of the family would be reliable enough to be used as a basis for such an important question as “chasana or no chasana?” So, where do we go from here?

The Benefit-Burden Concept
While Dor Yeshorim offers a reliable way to do premarital testing for recessive conditions, it does not guarantee perfect health for a myriad of other conditions that are not recessive. Simply put, there is no such thing as a “free lunch.” Everything we do in life demands some compromise, some work, and yes, risk-taking.

When one gets into a car one takes a major risk for injury and even fatal accidents, G-d forbid, but one takes this risk daily because one needs to get places to carry out our routines. In other words, for the benefit of driving we have to put up with the risks that driving entails: getting lost on the way to our destination, having a flat tire, or, G-d forbid, worse possibilities. In the same way, finding our bashert means taking a chance. We hope that we and our children and loved ones will live to me’ah ve’esrim (120) in wonderful health, but we cannot predict our future, and there are no guarantees. We do not know whether the child will develop asthma, have an attention deficit disorder, or grow up to have hypertension.

The Beauty of Diversity
We have to remember, also, the special value of uniqueness, our diversity is what makes the world such a wonderful place. Having said that, if there are serious health issues in the family beyond those of the general population, it is possible to ascertain genetic risk. Just remember, it is a matter for experts. Call your doctor, and if the doctor is not sure, ask to speak to a genetic specialist. To find a genetic counselor in your area, you can log into the web site of the National Society of Genetic Counseling: www.nsgc.org.

Dr. Mittman is a certified genetic counselor and a public health expert at the Office of Minority Health and Health Disparities in the Maryland Department of Health and Hygiene.

What I want to bring to your attention with this article is that one should be discriminating when doing research on matters of health. Do not reject a shidduch out of hand because of a health problem. Consult with a doctor who can advise you.

How much research

Like every thing else, just mentioning the words “shiduchim research” in a group, will bring conflicting and contradictory opinions.

A popular story is the one of the Rov who was presented a case, and after the first side speaks, he agrees with him. Then when the second side speaks, he agrees with him, so the Rov's wife asks him, “How can they both be right?”, and he responds to her, “You are also right!”

So it is with research: there are those who say there is not enough research done and that is why later problems may arise, and they are right. On the other hand, there are those that say that research has gotten out of hand, and people ask questions that have no relevance to the character of the person in question--they are also right. I guess they can both be right.

Research can prevent all sorts of problems later on. Make sure the character presented is truly the character that is (as shown previously). When the couple does meets, it should be just to make sure they have a connection and are on the same wavelength. They should enjoy talking to each other and be able to relate to each other. Going out should not be about general research. All that should be done in advance.

That is how it is possible for a couple to go out 5 or 8 times and say yes. All that has to be discovered by the couple is if they have an affinity for each other. (I’ll return to the subject later when we discuss dating.)

On the other hand, overkill in research is not conducive to a good result. Often inappropriate questions are asked. Another example of an unsuitable question would be: What kind of car do the parents drive? It might indicate the financial level of the family, but there are better and more direct ways to find that out.

Everyone has a "skeleton in the closet" it may be more or less substantial but no one alive can bare their life and come out "roses". Peccadilloes abound. The thing is to know what are peccadilloes that can be ignored and information that will make a difference in our children's lives.

Heath issues, as will be written in a future blog entry, should be always checked out. Rumors should be taken as untrue but followed up to make sure. Stick to facts in all things, assumptions and gossip are not good information.

Someone said that unfortunately, we are living in a culture that makes more of defining a person by the subcategories of subcategories which they fit into than by the nobility of their character. This is indeed a sad state of affairs. And this is what we should avoid doing in our research. Don’t ask question to categorize people; ask questions that will reveal their personality and character.

Calling for References

When you call, you should have a list of specific questions.
In order to receive good answers, direct questions are a must. A written list of questions is necessary. You may think that you know in your mind what questions you wish to have answered, but during a conversation, it is easy to get sidetracked and distracted, and then forget to find out about important points.
With a written list you can check off the questions as they get answered. Take notes of the answers. Ask the person to give you a second as you are taking notes. Even if you have a good memory, it is easy to forget the details. Even more, it is useful to write the exact words (adjectives) you hear, so your mind does not supply its own interpretation of what you heard.

It is easy to be influenced without realizing it. If the person on the other end of the phone is enthusiastic about the prospect, one is easily carried along by the enthusiasm and may interpret what one hears subjectively. If we write the exact words, we can review the conversation without that influence. Although, (yes, I am being contrary) impressions should be noted as well.

Asking what can you tell me about so and so is not an answerable question. First of all as explained previously one can only answer questions that are specific in nature and not general questions. I will give examples of specific questions in a separate blog.

I also believe in making the calls myself and not having another person call for me. This is my personal preference because when you listen to someone’s description, often you can hear between the lines what they are not saying. The tone of voice will give you pointers. The pauses, the type of adjectives used will tell you more than just “Merriam-Webster’s” definition.

For example, you call someone and after the first few awkward explanations, the conversation takes a warmer tone. The person genuinely likes the one you are discussing, and it comes through in the tone of their voice. Or someone is not very familiar with them, so they may sound hesitant. Someone may describe the person as “nice”, “pleasant”, etc. These are “milquetoast” (tame) adjectives, too bland to describe someone who certainly has some admirable characteristics.

The exception to calling references yourself is if the young man or lady calls for herself. That is a much more difficult call. It would be preferred if at all possible that a mashpia or good (married, older) friend make the calls for the one involved. Aside from the reticence involved in asking information for oneself, and the reciprocal reticence of not wanting to tell the person directly involved less than laudatory information, there is the stress of finding out again and again that the name suggested is very far from the requested ideal. Finding out again and again that the proposed shidduch is only a match in the very basic terms (one is a girl and one is a boy) depresses and stresses out the young man or young lady making the calls.

I know of a mashpia who told his mushpa to pass along to him all the names he is offered and he would make the calls. If anything appropriate was suggested then he would pass back the name.

Friend references

There are a lot of reasons why the information one may get from a friend might not be of the highest caliber. (Don't get offended out there; it is a fact that references received from friends are not always reliable)

I have heard of friends giving totally "off the wall" information just because they did not like the tone in which a question was asked, or they did not think the question was a worthy one and therefore they felt it slighted their friend. The problem is that although the question might be unworthy, the way it is answered does a lot of damage, which surely the friend did not intend.

So all you friends out there, answer all questions to the best of your ability even if you think it is unworthy or annoying. When you do not know an answer (and this goes for everyone) say so. "I do not know" is better than speculating and assuming.

Girls often get asked in a lot of ways and forms for their friend's size. We all agree that it is a question that should not be asked because size is not what we should be checking out, but that is not a good reason to either hang up the phone or be less than gracious to the person requesting the information. It is understood that even if the girl is a size 2 one still does not wish to answer such a question, in which case one can answer with a witticism, or that: “She is the right size” knowing that if one refuses to answer it will be construed as a negative answer.

Friends who have lost touch since high school should specify that they have not been in touch, or have not seen each other in a long time. The growing years between high school and marriage are very formative years. A person will change tremendously during that time, therefore the way one acted then and the way one acts now could be entirely different.

A friend might be called because the person inquiring knows that these two people are friends. It does not mean one is on the friends list as a reference. Therefore if one has not heard from a friend in a long time, one should say that in a nice way, while giving positive information and reminding the caller that it is a while since there was contact.

In short, whether you are a close friend or a fair-weather friend when asked for information answer as best and as politely as you can and do not get riled at the questions you hear.

Being a reference

If someone calls you to ask that you be a reference for them, on the one hand, know what you are taking on, but on the other hand do not say no just because it takes a bit of effort.

You might want to discuss with the person calling you what is your impression of their child (or themselves). Or you may ask them if there is something they wish you to say, or not say.

It also pays to learn the halachos of Lashon harah for this particular case: giving information for a shidduch. You may want to go to this blog (February archive - the toungue III) and look up the article about giving information. As mentioned in the above referenced blog if you are asked something you are not sure how to answer tell the person you have to call them back and call a Rov to find out what you should say.

If you accept the responsibility of being a reference, realize that it might take time out of your schedule to properly answer the questions posed. If it is not possible for you to be available when the person calls for references, take their number and tell them you will call back or ask them to call you at a more convenient time. Do not say that you are too busy and cannot help. That is not complementary to the person who gave out your name.

If your name was given without your knowledge and you really cannot take the time to be a reference for your friend, then call your friend and ask him/her to take you off the list.

In short it is a wonderful thing you are doing by giving of your time to help someone get married, but make sure you give only facts and you know exactly what one is allowed to say and what one should not say. Answer questions to the point and not general questions like : "What can you tell me about plony ben/bas ploni."

Choosing what references to give

Keep the resume updated.

If the resume was made a year ago, make sure to review it before it is sent on. If you have not talked to a particular reference for a long time, decide if you wish to keep that reference on or change it for someone else.

Make sure you know what the reference will say about your single, or you. If you have to ask a friend to call the reference and ask about you (or your single), to find out what is said, then do it!

Please everyone, when you give a name for references speak to that person and make sure they will give references for you. There are plenty of cases when a parent will call and hear the reference say: "I can't imagine why my name was given I really do not know ... ." This is not a positive answer!

Choose some references that know your family, even if they do not know your single so well because s/he was away in yeshiva, seminary, shlichus etc. Then give adult references that know your single, maybe a shlucha/shliach they worked for, or a mashpia etc. Then give friends of your single. Have your single call his/her friends and make sure they will give the right kind of info about her.

Do not panic if no one calls your references. Maybe the person found out all they wished to know from other sources. On the other hand do not consider your references as a minor part of the shidduch process. Give enough thought to who you are giving and who would be your best advocate.

Introduction to research

The next topic I will tackle is research. I know it is a topic that is important to many, and that is why I want to preface it with some important points.

Research is very important in a shidduch. In fact it is essential. But like all things it has to be done in the right way. Too little research and you will not get the important information you need, too much research and no one will be good enough.

The timing of research is also important: before the boy and girl meet, do all the research you can. Check references, call your friends, call anyone you want. Once you have decided that it is a good match and they start going out, one should really be sure that this is the right one. One can still make calls especially in the beginning of going out, (such as the first 2, 3 dates) when it is believed that this is a possible yes and there are some new doubts, or information to clarify. But it should be self understood that the bulk of the research has already been done.

After the couple is engaged, there should be no more research calls made. If someone specifically calls with information, one can listen and one can verify that information but do not actively continue to dig. At this point the couple is engaged and feelings are involved. Even in Lubavitch where we do not do Eirusin and we only do Tenoyim just before the chuppa, breaking an engagement is a weighty thing.

Therefore do research before they meet, clear up your doubts if necessary after they have met, but once they are engaged, do not continue doing research. After all if we have bitachon that the Eibishter is our partner in the shidduch then we have to leave it up to Him that this is the right person for our child, or that He will arange matters for the good.

There was a cute? sad? commentary on research on the web, that detailed how we would not even consider the Avos or Imaot, or even Moshe Rabeinu as in laws, if we were doing the research these days, so let us not be obsessive and if we are too close to the matter and not sure if we have done enough research we should ask our mashpia or rav for advice.

Let us keep things in prospective and not need to know when was s/he was toilet trained and we do not need to speak to their elementary teachers.

Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Lying

Why is it that discussing the names that are brought up is so prevalent among our young people?

Because they have heard that when parents do research, very often they will only be told part of the truth and often, they will be told lies.

In contrast their network of friends usually knows things that parents do not find out. Therefore they say it is part of research to discuss the names suggested with their friends just as it is part of research for parents and mashpiim to call relatives and friends for information. Not only is it part of reserch but it is often a more accurate research!

What can one answer to such claim? It is true that parents often are told lies, or the truth is concealed. And not only from parents who are researching names but also from Shadchonim who are trying to make a shidduch!

This is a prime example of "a wrong that begets a worng" (averah goreres averah) because of the lies (Lifnei Ever) told when people do research, our son or daughter will talk with his/her friends (Loshen Hora) in order to get at the truth.

We must break this cycle. Tell the shadchan the truth when presenting your son or daughter, student or friend. Tell the truth, when a parent calls for information. If you are not sure if something should be said, as explained previously, give an excuse, call a Rav and then call back the person asking for the information.

Is this a heter for young people to discuss names brought up for shidduchim or even their shidduch dates? Of course not! We must teach each and everyone of our children not to discuss this no matter what the reason. But we would make it easier to stop this practice if we were truthful ourselves, when we give information.

An Unfortunate Habit

It has become common for boys and girls to discuss with their peers details of the dates they have been on.
This is certainly forbidden and has no constructive value. If a bochur or a girl feels that someone he/she has gone out with may fit one of her/his friends, they should approach their parents, a mashpia or some other person who is capable to “redt” the shidduch and have them do so in the regular way. To simply gossip "discuss" the dates one has had is pure loshon hora with no redeeming qualities. An inadvertent comment may ruin someone’s shidduch, as that boy/girl will have a preconceived notion about the prospective shidduch which may be quite erroneous and therefore harmful.
In the matter of shidduchim, it is most necessary to conduct oneself with tznius and not advertise with whom and when one went out. Brocha only comes if things are done quietly and modestly, and this should be especially so with shidduchim.

There is an enormous amount of peer pressure, certainly among the girls, to share one’s experiences when one goes out, or to keep best friends “in the loop” when names are offered as possible shidduchim.
It is not correct for a girl or a boy to reveal any information about a prospective shidduch or what happens on their date, to a friend. Even if the friend might get offended because they are "kept out" this should not influence the boy or girl to disclose this information. It is unfortunate that friends feels slighted but it cannot be helped. Where is their caring for the friend's privacy? Girls do not realize that this is not another sleepover secret whispered under the covers. This is a time when you make life altering decisions. A serious matter, not something to be shared in girlish confidences. It will bolster our S/D if we, as parents, explain to them how any information having to do with shidduchim, either at earlier stages or even during dating, should not be given out.

There is a much debated Mishna which enjoins one not to talk a lot with a woman (“Al tarbe sicha im haisha”). Chazal say the language of the posuk for "talk" is sicha which is translated as light conversation, not an intellectual exchange of ideas or even general practical matters. This is conversation with no redeeming qualities, and no practical value. Some commentaries mention that the posuk expressively says ‘HaIsha’ (the woman) and the article “the” denotes a wife. So we are warned not to gossip even if it is just between husband and wife. Imagine how much more we are enjoined not to gossip among friends and acquaintances.

The Tongue Conclusion

Even when asking a teacher, principal or Rav subjective research questions, one should be careful to be on the same page. Which means you understand his "measuring scale" so that when s/he answers a question,"s/he is very chassidish" you know just what level of "chassidish" s/he means, and if not refine your question and ask clarification.

A Rov or principal who deals with such evaluations often will be able to give a proper answer. A regular person should not be asked such subjective questions.

A caveat: If one is asking a teacher or a Rov that taught the boy or girl in high school, (or even more who taught him in elementary) a number of years have passed, and what the growing the boy or girl has done in the intervening years may have literally made a different person out of them. What we hear may not be applicable anymore. The subject of our question may have matured beyond recognition, and what we hear would not apply anymore. So try to get information from people that know the subject now and not years earlier. SAme applies when giving manes for references, give people who know your bocher or maidel now and not 5 years ago.

Let us keep in mind as well that the period between High School and looking for a shidduch is a period of major change in a person’s life. So if the information you are hearing is from a numbers of years back, keep an open mind.

This also applies if the person is out of seminary 3 or more years. Information from a Seminary teacher may only reflect part of the personality of the person at this time. After all we all work on ourselves to improve.

Regarding objective questions of dubious value such as, “Did the boy/girl get straight A’s on their report card? One can simply say I do not know, because such a question has no relation to the present situation or to the character of the person.

I have heard of a lot of questions of no value being asked, such as if the family uses color or white tablecloths for Shabbos, uses plastic on the table, or if they scrape or stack the dishes. Not to excuse these questions, because they do not have real merit, but a possible explanation as to how they came about is this: “Traditional” families would use white tablecloths on Shabbos and Yom Tov. More "modern" ones might have used colored ones. Maybe, a mother felt that asking about the tablecloth would tell her the level of "tradition" in the family without having to ask outright. Similarly, when asking whether someone scrapes the plates or stacks them. It is more polite to take away the plates without either stacking or scraping. The next level is to stack the plates and take them to the kitchen. The third option is to scrape the plates at the table which is not polite at all. So again, a mother might have wanted to know how “well mannered” the family is with such a question. I cannot say whether these questions ever had a place in gathering information in a more genteel past. They do not seem relevant nowadays.

There is a difficult situation when someone knows of a condition that the other party was not told of, such as a physical or mental condition or previous marital status or the like. If one knows of a shidduch where such information has been withheld and s/he knows the information is true first hand (or if second hand the information has been verified), then s/he should definitely ask a Rov if they should tell the interested party of this condition. Not every condition has to be disclosed at the beginning when the families are doing research, and although some have to be disclosed before they meet, still others do not have to be disclosed until the engagement or at all. Only a Rov can distinguish which conditions should be revealed and which not.

Even in the case a Rov considers the information must be revealed, the information may only be relayed when

1. the condition is serious,
   
2. one is not exaggerating the condition,
   
3. and there is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.

Before going ahead, though, it is advisable to ask a Rov whether this piece of information falls into this category and whether it is permissible to offer the information even when one was not asked.

The first step in such a case is, of course, to contact the first party and convince them to share the information with the other party. This way the information will come directly from the person in question. Try to convince the person you are talking to, that it will be much better if they themselves raise the issue rather than having the information come to the other family from a third party, such as yourself. If there is a possibility that the information will be ignored or if the person in possession of this information has ulterior motives for disclosing this information, then s/he is not allowed to disclose this information.

Because of many other issues one should never take upon oneself to make such a decision on one’s own but should always consult with a Rav.

The Tongue III - Giving information

The third situation is that of a person called for information.

This person must be careful to be honest and careful not to speak Loshen Hora. To this end when calling for information tell the person that you are calling to ask information for a shidduch.

Do not ask:"What can you tell me about so and so?"
A person asked for information should only answer specific questions rather than giving a narrative. They should be asked direct questions and not vague general questions. First of all, one gets better information with direct questions, but also, a person asked a direct question can answer to the point.
Naturally the person giving the information should give first person information. If what one is saying is only hearsay one must say so. Specify that what s/he is saying came to him/her second hand. Certainly one should limit oneself to facts and not hearsay.

Even when dealing in facts, what is told has to be with the intent of giving the best information so that the person who is asking will get a full picture of the one asked about. The information should be given for the benefit of the party requesting the information with no thoughts of finally being able to give over a piece of gossip or taking revenge on someone chv"s.

It is generally difficult to give subjective information. For example, if someone asks whether a girl is pretty or slim. What is pretty for one may be comely for another (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder), and where one feels only a size 6 will do, another will be happy with a size 12.

Giving a size may be deceptive because of body types. Sometimes the size 12 may look like a 10, and the 10 may look like the 12. Just to sidetrack a moment in regard to sizes, most boys have no idea what a size 4 or 10 looks like, they think in terms of people, i.e. is she like my sister.

The only way to give good information when a subjective question is asked is to know the person one is talking to, and know what meaning s/he is imbuing the question with. This is not always possible. The same is true when asking for information. If one is close to the person who is giving the information, they will know what kind of “measuring scale” they use. If they say someone is smart, we will know what level of smart this person is telling us about because we know their opinion of who is smart and who is not.
If we do not know the person well, then how can we know what they mean by “smart” or by “outgoing” or “neat” etc.
A person may be a “neat freak”, and anyone less orderly is considered “messy”. Or a person may be above average intelligent and consider someone who is just average not very smart. It is almost like talking a different language.
You are using the same sounds, but the meaning is very different. One could say it is like the English language; one may say “night” and the other understands “Knight”.

Many times we are called to answer subjective questions from people whom we have never met. Sometimes we may feel that if our answer is interpreted the wrong way, it may ruin a shidduch. In such a case a safe answer is “I do not know.” Another method is to interrupt the conversation with an excuse and call a Rav. Then call the person back.