Calling for References

When you call, you should have a list of specific questions.
In order to receive good answers, direct questions are a must. A written list of questions is necessary. You may think that you know in your mind what questions you wish to have answered, but during a conversation, it is easy to get sidetracked and distracted, and then forget to find out about important points.
With a written list you can check off the questions as they get answered. Take notes of the answers. Ask the person to give you a second as you are taking notes. Even if you have a good memory, it is easy to forget the details. Even more, it is useful to write the exact words (adjectives) you hear, so your mind does not supply its own interpretation of what you heard.

It is easy to be influenced without realizing it. If the person on the other end of the phone is enthusiastic about the prospect, one is easily carried along by the enthusiasm and may interpret what one hears subjectively. If we write the exact words, we can review the conversation without that influence. Although, (yes, I am being contrary) impressions should be noted as well.

Asking what can you tell me about so and so is not an answerable question. First of all as explained previously one can only answer questions that are specific in nature and not general questions. I will give examples of specific questions in a separate blog.

I also believe in making the calls myself and not having another person call for me. This is my personal preference because when you listen to someone’s description, often you can hear between the lines what they are not saying. The tone of voice will give you pointers. The pauses, the type of adjectives used will tell you more than just “Merriam-Webster’s” definition.

For example, you call someone and after the first few awkward explanations, the conversation takes a warmer tone. The person genuinely likes the one you are discussing, and it comes through in the tone of their voice. Or someone is not very familiar with them, so they may sound hesitant. Someone may describe the person as “nice”, “pleasant”, etc. These are “milquetoast” (tame) adjectives, too bland to describe someone who certainly has some admirable characteristics.

The exception to calling references yourself is if the young man or lady calls for herself. That is a much more difficult call. It would be preferred if at all possible that a mashpia or good (married, older) friend make the calls for the one involved. Aside from the reticence involved in asking information for oneself, and the reciprocal reticence of not wanting to tell the person directly involved less than laudatory information, there is the stress of finding out again and again that the name suggested is very far from the requested ideal. Finding out again and again that the proposed shidduch is only a match in the very basic terms (one is a girl and one is a boy) depresses and stresses out the young man or young lady making the calls.

I know of a mashpia who told his mushpa to pass along to him all the names he is offered and he would make the calls. If anything appropriate was suggested then he would pass back the name.

Lying

Why is it that discussing the names that are brought up is so prevalent among our young people?

Because they have heard that when parents do research, very often they will only be told part of the truth and often, they will be told lies.

In contrast their network of friends usually knows things that parents do not find out. Therefore they say it is part of research to discuss the names suggested with their friends just as it is part of research for parents and mashpiim to call relatives and friends for information. Not only is it part of reserch but it is often a more accurate research!

What can one answer to such claim? It is true that parents often are told lies, or the truth is concealed. And not only from parents who are researching names but also from Shadchonim who are trying to make a shidduch!

This is a prime example of "a wrong that begets a worng" (averah goreres averah) because of the lies (Lifnei Ever) told when people do research, our son or daughter will talk with his/her friends (Loshen Hora) in order to get at the truth.

We must break this cycle. Tell the shadchan the truth when presenting your son or daughter, student or friend. Tell the truth, when a parent calls for information. If you are not sure if something should be said, as explained previously, give an excuse, call a Rav and then call back the person asking for the information.

Is this a heter for young people to discuss names brought up for shidduchim or even their shidduch dates? Of course not! We must teach each and everyone of our children not to discuss this no matter what the reason. But we would make it easier to stop this practice if we were truthful ourselves, when we give information.

An Unfortunate Habit

It has become common for boys and girls to discuss with their peers details of the dates they have been on.
This is certainly forbidden and has no constructive value. If a bochur or a girl feels that someone he/she has gone out with may fit one of her/his friends, they should approach their parents, a mashpia or some other person who is capable to “redt” the shidduch and have them do so in the regular way. To simply gossip "discuss" the dates one has had is pure loshon hora with no redeeming qualities. An inadvertent comment may ruin someone’s shidduch, as that boy/girl will have a preconceived notion about the prospective shidduch which may be quite erroneous and therefore harmful.
In the matter of shidduchim, it is most necessary to conduct oneself with tznius and not advertise with whom and when one went out. Brocha only comes if things are done quietly and modestly, and this should be especially so with shidduchim.

There is an enormous amount of peer pressure, certainly among the girls, to share one’s experiences when one goes out, or to keep best friends “in the loop” when names are offered as possible shidduchim.
It is not correct for a girl or a boy to reveal any information about a prospective shidduch or what happens on their date, to a friend. Even if the friend might get offended because they are "kept out" this should not influence the boy or girl to disclose this information. It is unfortunate that friends feels slighted but it cannot be helped. Where is their caring for the friend's privacy? Girls do not realize that this is not another sleepover secret whispered under the covers. This is a time when you make life altering decisions. A serious matter, not something to be shared in girlish confidences. It will bolster our S/D if we, as parents, explain to them how any information having to do with shidduchim, either at earlier stages or even during dating, should not be given out.

There is a much debated Mishna which enjoins one not to talk a lot with a woman (“Al tarbe sicha im haisha”). Chazal say the language of the posuk for "talk" is sicha which is translated as light conversation, not an intellectual exchange of ideas or even general practical matters. This is conversation with no redeeming qualities, and no practical value. Some commentaries mention that the posuk expressively says ‘HaIsha’ (the woman) and the article “the” denotes a wife. So we are warned not to gossip even if it is just between husband and wife. Imagine how much more we are enjoined not to gossip among friends and acquaintances.

The Tongue III - Giving information

The third situation is that of a person called for information.

This person must be careful to be honest and careful not to speak Loshen Hora. To this end when calling for information tell the person that you are calling to ask information for a shidduch.

Do not ask:"What can you tell me about so and so?"
A person asked for information should only answer specific questions rather than giving a narrative. They should be asked direct questions and not vague general questions. First of all, one gets better information with direct questions, but also, a person asked a direct question can answer to the point.
Naturally the person giving the information should give first person information. If what one is saying is only hearsay one must say so. Specify that what s/he is saying came to him/her second hand. Certainly one should limit oneself to facts and not hearsay.

Even when dealing in facts, what is told has to be with the intent of giving the best information so that the person who is asking will get a full picture of the one asked about. The information should be given for the benefit of the party requesting the information with no thoughts of finally being able to give over a piece of gossip or taking revenge on someone chv"s.

It is generally difficult to give subjective information. For example, if someone asks whether a girl is pretty or slim. What is pretty for one may be comely for another (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder), and where one feels only a size 6 will do, another will be happy with a size 12.

Giving a size may be deceptive because of body types. Sometimes the size 12 may look like a 10, and the 10 may look like the 12. Just to sidetrack a moment in regard to sizes, most boys have no idea what a size 4 or 10 looks like, they think in terms of people, i.e. is she like my sister.

The only way to give good information when a subjective question is asked is to know the person one is talking to, and know what meaning s/he is imbuing the question with. This is not always possible. The same is true when asking for information. If one is close to the person who is giving the information, they will know what kind of “measuring scale” they use. If they say someone is smart, we will know what level of smart this person is telling us about because we know their opinion of who is smart and who is not.
If we do not know the person well, then how can we know what they mean by “smart” or by “outgoing” or “neat” etc.
A person may be a “neat freak”, and anyone less orderly is considered “messy”. Or a person may be above average intelligent and consider someone who is just average not very smart. It is almost like talking a different language.
You are using the same sounds, but the meaning is very different. One could say it is like the English language; one may say “night” and the other understands “Knight”.

Many times we are called to answer subjective questions from people whom we have never met. Sometimes we may feel that if our answer is interpreted the wrong way, it may ruin a shidduch. In such a case a safe answer is “I do not know.” Another method is to interrupt the conversation with an excuse and call a Rav. Then call the person back.

The Tongue II

The second situation is the case of a person who did not initiate the shidduch but has been asked for advice on whether the shidduch should be looked into.
This person has a greater responsibility than the first who suggested the shidduch because the first was only giving a possible suggestion but the second person is called on specifically for a definitive opinion which may make or break the shidduch.
The person called for advice must be careful not to encourage or discourage a match with someone he has no real knowledge of.
If all this person knows is hearsay, they should not express an opinion because what they heard may be totally false. If they do not know the person this should be stated.

An adviser may be sought by a family that has had a shidduch suggested by someone they do not know well. They are unsure whether they should follow up with this suggestion, or maybe it has no merit and may be ignored. The adviser should deal only in facts. Feelings are not what is required at this point. The adviser should look at the shidduch suggestion and express an opinion only based on facts. If the adviser thinks personally that they would never have suggested such a shidduch, that has no bearing on the situation. Their advice has to be based on concrete reasons, on real concerns based on personally known facts and not on second or third hand information. Although the adviser's first loyalty goes to the person asking their advice, they are certainly forbidden to discourage a shidduch unless they have firsthand knowledge of the matter that could cause problems, and it is proven that this matter should be of concern and is not just a mistaken impression.
If one is not sure of the answer to give, it is certainly proper to tell the person calling that it is not a convenient time and ask to be called back later. In the meantime call a Rov and ask his advice on how to approach this situation.

The Tongue is mightier than the Sword.

Loshen Hora.

This is one topic that is very relevant to shidduchim.

It is a very complicated topic that is difficult to cover because there are a few diverging opinions about what one can say and what one cannot when talking about shidduchim.
Some Rabbonim will be more stringent and some will be makel.
The following are just basic guidelines, and are here to give you an idea of what are the issues, but every question should be referred to your Rov. There are a lot more issues than are covered here and every case has to be decided according to the circumstances.
Halacha differentiates between 3 conditions:

The first condition is when a shidduch is first suggested.

At such a time the person suggesting the shidduch should be careful about “Lifnei Eiver Lo Sitein Michshol” “Do not place a stumbling block before a blind person” Which applied in this case means one should not suggest a shidduch that would not meet the needs of both parties involved. It has become very common these days to hear of shadchonim or friends just naming names to a parent as possible shiduchim without really taking the time to discover if there is real reason to pursue such a union or not. No individualized thought goes into it. The parent is told: here look into Plony, Almony, Tom, Dick and Harry. Are any of these compatible? Are these families appropriate? The person suggesting the names does not know, they just throw out a bunch of names. Suggesting a shidduch to a possible family without checking if there is compatibility, or if the shidduch satisfies the needs of both parties, is not allowed. The parties will waste time researching a shidduch which should not have been initiated to begin with, and gives false hope to the young people involved who will be disappointed at the falling apart of a possibility.

One should not refrain from suggesting shidduchim because of this halacha. One does not even have to investigate the parties thoroughly first before suggesting a shidduch. One does have to have some knowledge of the parties involved and be fairly sure that based on that knowledge this is a viable shidduch, and it has a good chance of succeeding. One should be reasonably certain that the parties do not have characteristics which are objectionable to the other party or that one party is lacking a non negotiable quality sought after by the other party.

This restriction has two main points:
The first is wasting the time of the parents and young people involved.
The second restriction concerns information: sometimes when we suggest a shidduch there is some information that may be held back for the sake of making the shidduch. One cannot decide by oneself when one may conceal information and when one has to disclose it. There are different kinds of information given by Chazal, “major deficiencies” or minor problems. A Rov must be consulted to make sure the case warrants keeping the information hidden altogether or at least for the beginning so that the shidduch has a chance of succeeding.
Even this deception though has to be revealed before the parties see each other enough to have developed feelings for each other.