Compatibility

I have written that couples must be compatible have common interests etc. That is all true but I wonder if we really understand what compatible means. Sometimes a couple that is composed of an avowed republican and an avowed democrat, one who loves nature and one who cannot be away from civilization, one who loves to read and one who would not pick up a book if paid are actually a better match than the couple who goes camping together and has exactly the same interests. The reason is that as important as similar interests are the same values shared by the couple are the ikar - the important point, not whether he ever heard of Dostoyevsky.
If both share a derech of chessed, or of being careful  with mitzvos, or of living life besimcha, or a belief in lerning and doing, those are all permanent things which will bind the couple together and will assure that their goals are similar and the way to those goals is with similar method. If they have values and goals in common then it does not matter if the superficial is not the same, it does not matter if he likes to take long walks and she likes to read. With good values they will each compromise and have a good marriage.

Consider who you are talking to.

When doing research, consider who you are talking to.

If you are talking to a close friend of yours who also knows the other side, then you are on more even ground, as you know what their standards are and how they judge, and you can put the answers in a proper prospective. I

f you do not know the person you are calling for information, be careful what weight you put on the answers. If something you hear is raising a flag, ask specific questions to clarify what you are hearing, you may have misunderstood or the person at the other end meant something different. It is much easier to clarify things right away, rather that later. Also, do not automatically say no. Do further research on that one point until you are very sure that the facts are true, and it is something undesirable to you.

Some other possible questions: What is their connection to the Rebbe? What part does the Rebbe play in their lives? (this is not a “meshichist” or “anti” question). Are the parents hands on parents or more laissez faire. Was there sholom bayis in their home? Do they have a lot of emotional baggage? Is she open-minded? ( what does open minded mean to you?) Is the family open-minded? Are they straightforward and honest, or is there a hidden agenda, and you don’t really know their intentions? Are they open to change, or do they dread it? How do they act with strangers: are they respectful with all kinds of people, janitors, cleaning ladies, shopkeepers, kids, secretaries yidden and goyim etc.? Are they a ‘good listener’? Are they always thinking of the next project, or do they take time to really give you their whole attention? Do they set attainable goals or just castles in the sky? Do they go with the flow, or do they know where they are going? Do they have a mashpia? Do they follow advice or prefer their own counsel? What is their conversation like? Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Centuries ago, Machiavelli (Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli born in 1469 and diplomat and adviser to the Medici family, known for his work “The Prince” and Discourses on Livy) noted in “The Prince”: “The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by things that seem, than by those that are.” Or as Rabbi Yehudah HaNossi (the prince) used to say: “Al tistakel b’kankan elah b’ma sheyeysh bo.” Don’t look at the flask, but at its contents.

What about Shlichus?

A lot of girls say they want a boy who is prepared to go on Shlichus, but, is this just a formula, or do they really only want a Shlichus position, and are they prepared to do whatever necessary to help their husband attain such a position?

It is very hard to get Shlichus today as we all know, and if one is not 100% dedicated (or one’s family is in Shlichus), it is not a given that Shlichus will materialize. I have discussed this previously, but it seems to me that a lot of girls feel they have to say they want someone in Shlichus, or they will not be viewed correctly; they will be considered less desirable; they will get a "second tier" boy.
That is a terrible misconception.

If a girl would be happy with a working boy it should be said; it might open up many more possibilities, especially if she expects that ultimately he will end up working anyway because he cannot find a shlichus position. And one should not wait until one is 26, 27 lo "settle" for a working boy, but choose this as an option early on.

There are boys who are either working, learning a profession, or in yeshiva but planning to work, who are just as "chassidish" as boys who sit in 770. They may even be better learners. Some do not touch their beards, have regular chavrusas, are careful to daven with a minyan etc. Do not assume that just because a boy is looking at other possibilities besides shlichus, he is a lesser offer.

Another fact to consider. A girl may say she wishes shlichus, but what she wants is shlichus in an established community where it is not a struggle to find Cholov Yisroel and where there is a choice of restaurants for the occasional outing. Not only that, but she may not feel comfortable with having an open house 24/7, where she must feed and advise and befriend perfect strangers on a daily basis.

Consider more than the perks of shlichus and decide if your qualities will fulfill the mission. If not there are other ways to be a shliach without going on shlichus.

Lets ask some more

• What are her hobbies?

The reason we ask this question is that hobbies give us another insight into the personality: if a person’s hobby is reading, and the other person's hobby is white water rafting, we can see immediately how different those personalities are.

We can gain insight in character by the hobbies a person has as well. For example: a person whose hobby is genealogy research has a sense of family, history and an inquisitive mind. A person who likes to travel, is able to assimilate new things and is comfortable in strange places. Someone who does photography has an eye for detail and so on.

Sometimes a hobby is something we wish we could do full time if we did not have to eat.

• Does she say ChiTas? Does she daven every day, etc?

Find questions that will tell you the level the girl is at. Asking if she is Chassidish these days means so many different things to so many people that one really has to be specific. This applies to boys and girls.

If Davening every day is important to you, then ask. If going to shul every Shabbos is the level you are aiming for, then ask about it. To ask how frum a person is a very subjective question, but asking a specific thing that is important to you gives you an insight.

• Does she have a lot of friends? Is she dedicated to her friends?

Neither a no nor a yes answer is negative. This just amplifies your previous question of how sociable she is. Most people have a lot of acquaintances but a limited amount of close friends. Asking this question might reveal that this girl always tries to help out her friends, or she is the one everyone goes to for advice, or she is the one to go shopping with. This will give you further insight in her character.

• Does she have a sense of humor?

Humor in life is a necessity not a luxury. If one can laugh at oneself and take oneself less seriously, it defuses a lot of little incidents that could become big. One can minimize problems by seeing the humor in them. We are not talking of a letz, a joker that finds everything a reason for mockery. That is not a good trait. We are discussing someone who has a positive reaction to a negative situation.

A person with a good sense of humor is easier to live with than someone who is serious and intense.

• Does she have common sense?

It is hard to have this question answered truthfully. Most people will say yes without giving it a thought. According to the dictionary common sense is good practical understanding, sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence. Also from the dictionary: “Common sense is not so common.”

Maybe a better question would be: is she a practical person. Does she simplify tasks, does she easily visualize solutions. Of course these questions show a lot more than common sense.

It is worth repeating that one should have specific questions that target qualities that are important to our son or daughter. We want to know weather our child can live with this person so we ask those questions which will bring to light possible conflicts or confirm positive points. We will never figure out the entire person just from research, it is useless to try.

• Is she a morning or a night person?

It is easier if both partners are the same. This way one is not drooping when the other is getting into gear, but this is definitely not a deal breaker.

Is she a half glass full or empty kind of person?

Optimism, like humor is a great quality to have, and again it is only important to the extent that it will effect her partner.

• What do you consider her best quality? (subjective question) What is the one thing that comes to mind when one mentions her name?

Try to have the person limit the answer to one quality only. Do not accept a wishy-washy answer. "She is a great girl", is too general.

• What do you consider her worst defect? (subjective question)

You are not expecting a major chissaron to be revealed here. Someone may say, she is often late, or she is absentminded, or she talks too much on the phone, etc. Those are all acceptable, but if someone cannot come up with even one minor drawback, then I would ask some more questions and call some more people. Everyone has some failing and if they cannot think of a minor one to tell you maybe there is a major one they cannot get out of their mind. On the other hand, they really do not know the person that well and cannot think of one.

Please do a thorough research but not an obsessive one.

More ???

• Does she have an even temperament.

Give examples of what you mean- (subjective question).

Is she moody, one minute having a smiling disposition and the next upset or angry. Often moodiness may be a warning sign of other more serious problems.

• Does she have a temper?

This one can be combines with the previous question although they are not really the same. Temper was discussed at length in a previous article regarding boys’ questions. Not only boys have tempers. Girls can have them too. Find out how she acts when angered. Does she sulk, hold grudges? Does she retreat into offended dignity for ages? Does it quickly blown over, etc.?

A woman's anger is generally less intimidating than a man’s; therefore often, one does not consider this an important point, but it is good to know if a girl is prone to outbursts or is generally even-tempered.

Think of how your son's temperament is and direct the question as counterpoint. If your son has a very long fuse and does not anger easily, then someone who is more volatile may be ok, but if he has a short fuse and so does she, it might lead to too many sparks.

• Question: Is she neat, organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question).

Some boys must have neatness around them in order to feel relaxed or even to be able to think calmly. Others can function in the middle of a tornado. Some people are very organized in their thoughts; therefore, the chaos around them does not affect them as much, but for people whose thought processes are not so organized, having neatness and a seder around is essential. If you, the mother, are very conscientious in your cleaning and would not dream to leave a dish in the sink before going to bed no matter how tired you are, find out if that is a quality your son values or if he barely notices. If the wife of such a boy is more concerned with having a warm house (warmkeit in yiddish not warm as in heat) than a spotless house, will this engender discord among the couple?

• Question: Is she careful with tznius?

It is a sad fact that we as a community are not as careful with tznius as we once were. Because we work closely with people in all stages of kiruv, we are anesthetized against seeing something problematic in tznius. We accept that people will go around without stockings in the summer, or wear skirts that are short with slits or barely cover the knees and collars that are a little too open, and so on and so forth.

This is also due to our openness to the world at large: we are bombarded by ads and magazines and goyishe ideals that have nothing to do with our ideal of beauty or modesty.

It is also a question of education. For whatever reason, if one mentions the word tznius in conversation, it is taboo just like religion and politics; it is bound to raise animosity and resistance.

In reality, tznius is a beautiful thing. It is a well of self confidence that women and girls have that enables us to dress in a pleasant and pleasing way and still retain our dignity, our regal worth. It allows us to feel well-dressed and au-currant without running after every twitch and twist of the fashion world. It enables us to be appreciated for who we are and not for what we wear.

So to get back to our question, we have a lot of different levels in our neighborhood, and I have come across the fact that an eminently suitable girl will be rejected because her hems are too high or she does not wear stockings. The decision to look more fashionable so that she attracts the right attention, or some would say to be more comfortable, is preventing a great girl from making a good shidduch. We are letting our standards slip, and it is not beneficial in any way.

So, if your son is concerned that his wife wear the right length and be stricter with her tznius, this question should be asked. And it should be asked also when your son does not have a personal opinion at this point, but you do not wish your daughter-in-law to sit across from you at your table dressed in an unsuitable manner. This encompasses a whole other topic of course, and I know a lot of people will be riled up (did I not write it is like talking politics where no one can agree?), but I find it incomprehensible how young couples can so blatantly insult parents in their own home.

• Question: Is she fashion-conscious, obsessed?

All we want to know is if she is obsessed by fashion and must always try the latest styles or does she dress stylishly but have other areas of interest besides the latest color in vogue. I knew someone who was very difficult to talk to because her world revolved around clothes and fashion.

For the right boy such a girl is eminently suitable. Her kids will always be dressed to the nines and her house will be a showplace.

• Is the family a close knit family?

This question matters to some people and is totally irrelevant to others. Sometimes your family loves the match suggested but may have some issues with a close relative. In such a case, you might want to know in advance how close the family is. It should not make a difference to the shidduch if other more important things are fine, but it is good to know.

Another reason for the question is, for example, if your family is very tight and always spend Yomim Tovim together, this answer gives you a heads up to how much you will have to share. If both families are close you will have to juggle visits and reunions. When only one side is close knit it might be difficult for the other to understand why s/he is always on the phone with their family, or is always visiting and so on.

• Is she sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. (subjective question)

This question might have gotten an answer when you asked about temperament. If not, it is an essential question as you should know if the girl is introverted or very outgoing (to mention two extremes). Don’t match a very social and outgoing person with a homebody who would rather stay home with a sefer than go out and visit. It will not really draw out the shy partner. It will make it a point of contention between the two if one is always wishing to go out and the other wants to spend the evening relaxing at home. If one side is a little more friendly and gregarious than the other, the one will draw the other one out some. As long as they are not at the polar opposites they will influence their partner a bit, but when the differences are too far apart then they will only get on each others nerves. Naturally, there are always exceptions, but before you think you are one of those exceptions, consider well.

Researching Boys II

Continuing with examples of questions to ask when researching a boy.

It might look that some of the questions have been asked before, but sometimes when you did not get the answer you needed the first time it is worth it to re-frame the question and re-ask. Also, sometimes the question is similar but not the same, you are getting to a different aspect of the person. And again sometimes you just skip the question you thing repetitive because you got your answer previously.

• Is he working?

You may or may not know the answer to this already. If he is a boy who’s learning, he may be working some hours a day. He may be tutoring or teaching. Or if he is a “working” boy, he may be studying for a future career but not working, or he may be working part time and studying part time.

Let's be realistic. If a bocher is a certain age, he is working even if he wants to go on shlichus. In fact if a 28 and older bocher is not involved in something I would be surprised. Of course you have the exception, Bochrim who have such a kop for learning that it is what they do all day with full committment. That is possible, but seriously how many can do that?

Others might keep busy teaching, or being involved in organizations, or helping shluchim, or go into some kind of business or learning a trade.

One has to understand that a lot of these bochrims are true gems, but they could not wait to get married to start life, so do not categorize them in a lower level just because they picked themselves up and did something with their lives.

• Is he driven (trait not car!), forceful, high strung or sedate?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Are you looking for someone who is out thee looking for opportunities, ambitious, driven to succeed in whatever path he has chosen? Or are you looking for someone who get things done but quietly and calmly, or someone who has a laid back attitude, doing what he has to do, but letting things also take their course without pushing, etc. Describe what you mean with your question, you will get a much better answer.

• Is he sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. This is not the same question as in the last post. One may be laid back but not sedate. One may be a bit wild but not enterprising. Before you were asking more in reference to the world at large--whether in regard to shlichus: can he fund-raise? Or in regard to business, does he look for opportunity or does he wait for it to knock? Now, you are asking about a personal character trait: is he the first to jump in or does he observe what others do first? Is he calm and contained or is he always on the edge of his seat? Again, use your own examples that will give you the insight you want. One can be reserved but rise to the occasion. When necessary, they can be sociable. Or are they reserved and prefer to avoid social situations that will spotlight them?

• Does he have a temper or an even temperament?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Everyone gets angry sometimes, but you wish to know if he is easily angered, or if he holds a grudge, and it takes ages to get him out of a “sulk”. As Pirkei Avos says, there are 4 types of temperaments: easily angered and easily appeased, slow to anger and slow to be appeased, slow to anger and easy to be appeased, and easily angered and slow to be appeased which we all know is the worst combination.

We all give in to anger sometimes, but it is good to find out what one does when angry. Stay and yell, storm out and calm down outside, etc. Explain what you feel is excessive anger and give examples. (We are not taking here about abusive behavior Ch’V. If you have heard rumors of such, do not rely on rumors but try to find out the truth and speak to a mumche, a counselor)

Anger is one of the 3 facts the gemorah tells us reveal the character of a person (Kiso, Ka'aso, Koyso, his pocket - financial -, his anger and in his cups)

• Is he neat (his room, his papers), organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Neatness and organization might matter greatly to some and not at all to others. If it is important, be specific with your examples. Do you want to know if he is neat in dress, orderly with his personal belonging, with his books or files etc.? (Some people may be sloppy at home but greatly organized at the office.)

If a girl is always very neat and orderly in her life and she marries a slob, there will be issues that both have to resolve. She has to accept the fact that he is not very concerned with neatness and orderliness and can live with this fact. She should not think she can change him after they are married. Similarly if he grew up in a house where his mother was a great balabusta and everything had its place and there was not a crumb left in sight before going to sleep, but the girl he is looking into is more relaxed with the household and if the dishes stay for the next day it is just fine, he has to decide if he can live with this attitude, maybe pitch in to bring things to his own standard, but again he should not think that she will become the balabuste he wants just because he is marriying her.

This is not a deal breaker as long as both parties go into the marriage knowing the shortcomings of the other and ready to accepting them.

• Is he fashion conscious (i.e., his shirts must be a particular brand name, only 100% cotton ...)?

• Does he dress sloppily or neatly?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). How concerned are you with his mode of dress? Does he have to be neat or does he have to look well-dressed? Explain your level of fashion so you can get a proper answer. Is it important to you that his shirt is tucked in? His pants color match the jacked color (common blue pants with black jacket)? Does he look like he slept in his clothes etc. Consider that if for the girl it is important that his pants be pressed and his shirt uncreased, she can make sure of that after they are married. He may not care, but she can make sure that his closed is up to her par. On the other hand, she may want someone who will be concious of his own appearance without her imput.

• Does he help around the house?

Mamy bochrim have been away from home from early adolescent, which makes it difficult to get an answer but, they do come home bein hazmanim, and they stay by shluchim and so on.

Some bochrim are always ready to lend a helping hand, some are not. Some only do it outside their own home or dorm.

• Does he get along with his siblings? (subjective question)

Explain what you mean by getting along: some families are a loose unit--everyone is friendly and close, but each is an individual and independent. Some families are a tight unit, very close to one another even though geographically apart. In one case an occasional phone call or visit is considered fine. In the other case it would be considered a distant relationship. If the girl comes from a tightknit family he has to realze that she will keep this close contact even after marriage. It is not a negative or positive trait, it is just a fact. When both sides come from closeknit families and they live in separate cities there are more compromises to be reached as to when to go where, for Yom Tov, for visits etc. It is just an item to be considered, nothing to agonize over.

• What are his hobbies?

• What does he do in his spare time?

It may give an insight into other interests the bocher has. Maybe he is a nature lover, or a photographer or an artist, etc.

• Does he go on mivtzoim?

• Is he well liked by his friends, neighbors, fellow students, staff, Rabbeim?

• Does he have a sense of humor? (subjective question)

Is he the resident clown or does he have the right “bon mot” at the appropriate time? Can lighten up a conversation with a well-said joke? Humor is also “in the ear of the beholder”. What is funny for an Englishman might not be for an American. But humor makes life so much easier. It is a great thing to be able to not take oneself too seriously. On the other hand someone who cannot be serious is a challenge.

• Is he a graceful looser?

We are not talking about games really. It starts with games when the kids are small and continues in school, business and life. Sometimes a student is rewarded when another should have been, or the learning of one is praised more than a second one; or one boy's idea is rejected but accepted when repackaged by a different boy, etc. What is the boy’s reaction in such life situations? How gracefully does he accept life’s “unfair hits”?

How much research

Like every thing else, just mentioning the words “shiduchim research” in a group, will bring conflicting and contradictory opinions.

A popular story is the one of the Rov who was presented a case, and after the first side speaks, he agrees with him. Then when the second side speaks, he agrees with him, so the Rov's wife asks him, “How can they both be right?”, and he responds to her, “You are also right!”

So it is with research: there are those who say there is not enough research done and that is why later problems may arise, and they are right. On the other hand, there are those that say that research has gotten out of hand, and people ask questions that have no relevance to the character of the person in question--they are also right. I guess they can both be right.

Research can prevent all sorts of problems later on. Make sure the character presented is truly the character that is (as shown previously). When the couple does meets, it should be just to make sure they have a connection and are on the same wavelength. They should enjoy talking to each other and be able to relate to each other. Going out should not be about general research. All that should be done in advance.

That is how it is possible for a couple to go out 5 or 8 times and say yes. All that has to be discovered by the couple is if they have an affinity for each other. (I’ll return to the subject later when we discuss dating.)

On the other hand, overkill in research is not conducive to a good result. Often inappropriate questions are asked. Another example of an unsuitable question would be: What kind of car do the parents drive? It might indicate the financial level of the family, but there are better and more direct ways to find that out.

Everyone has a "skeleton in the closet" it may be more or less substantial but no one alive can bare their life and come out "roses". Peccadilloes abound. The thing is to know what are peccadilloes that can be ignored and information that will make a difference in our children's lives.

Heath issues, as will be written in a future blog entry, should be always checked out. Rumors should be taken as untrue but followed up to make sure. Stick to facts in all things, assumptions and gossip are not good information.

Someone said that unfortunately, we are living in a culture that makes more of defining a person by the subcategories of subcategories which they fit into than by the nobility of their character. This is indeed a sad state of affairs. And this is what we should avoid doing in our research. Don’t ask question to categorize people; ask questions that will reveal their personality and character.

Calling for References

When you call, you should have a list of specific questions.
In order to receive good answers, direct questions are a must. A written list of questions is necessary. You may think that you know in your mind what questions you wish to have answered, but during a conversation, it is easy to get sidetracked and distracted, and then forget to find out about important points.
With a written list you can check off the questions as they get answered. Take notes of the answers. Ask the person to give you a second as you are taking notes. Even if you have a good memory, it is easy to forget the details. Even more, it is useful to write the exact words (adjectives) you hear, so your mind does not supply its own interpretation of what you heard.

It is easy to be influenced without realizing it. If the person on the other end of the phone is enthusiastic about the prospect, one is easily carried along by the enthusiasm and may interpret what one hears subjectively. If we write the exact words, we can review the conversation without that influence. Although, (yes, I am being contrary) impressions should be noted as well.

Asking what can you tell me about so and so is not an answerable question. First of all as explained previously one can only answer questions that are specific in nature and not general questions. I will give examples of specific questions in a separate blog.

I also believe in making the calls myself and not having another person call for me. This is my personal preference because when you listen to someone’s description, often you can hear between the lines what they are not saying. The tone of voice will give you pointers. The pauses, the type of adjectives used will tell you more than just “Merriam-Webster’s” definition.

For example, you call someone and after the first few awkward explanations, the conversation takes a warmer tone. The person genuinely likes the one you are discussing, and it comes through in the tone of their voice. Or someone is not very familiar with them, so they may sound hesitant. Someone may describe the person as “nice”, “pleasant”, etc. These are “milquetoast” (tame) adjectives, too bland to describe someone who certainly has some admirable characteristics.

The exception to calling references yourself is if the young man or lady calls for herself. That is a much more difficult call. It would be preferred if at all possible that a mashpia or good (married, older) friend make the calls for the one involved. Aside from the reticence involved in asking information for oneself, and the reciprocal reticence of not wanting to tell the person directly involved less than laudatory information, there is the stress of finding out again and again that the name suggested is very far from the requested ideal. Finding out again and again that the proposed shidduch is only a match in the very basic terms (one is a girl and one is a boy) depresses and stresses out the young man or young lady making the calls.

I know of a mashpia who told his mushpa to pass along to him all the names he is offered and he would make the calls. If anything appropriate was suggested then he would pass back the name.

Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Profile or Resume?

Shidduchim are such a maze that we will grasp any idea that might make the process easier.

Our lives are so busy B"H, between bringing up our kids, working, mivtzoim, learning, chessed etc. that even if we have not reached the dreaded senior moment stage, we cannot keep everything in mind.

The shidduhim solution to this is the "profile". What is a profile?

A profile is a short description of our young man or woman, that describes the essentials without giving a name. The profile lets people know the age, the height, family background i.e. FFB, BT, etc. the level one is at, Chassidish, relaxed, modern and a description of the characteristic of the young man or woman such as kind and giving, very involved in .... quiet and eidel, ambitious, go getter etc. Last but not least a description of what one is looking for such as only shlichus(if you mean it!), yiras shamayim, tznius, outgoing, organized etc.
At the end write in a contact name and phone number and/or email address.

What you have accomplished with a profile is to describe your child and what you are looking for on paper for the easy reference of your friends and contacts.
They in turn can send on or show your profile to others with possible matches without compromising your privacy as you did not disclose your name and address.

If a promising match is found then you can send a full resume which would have the family data such as how many siblings, the schools and camps attended and/or shlichus, references etc.
If you attend a shidduch group meeting or if you want someone to present your child to such a group a profile is indispensable.
Send one to all your relatives so they are reminded that you are looking for your son or daughter and what exactly you are looking for.

A profile is perfect for these days where we do not want the names of our children to float around as a conversation pieces until we get them married; on the other hand we do want people to remember that we have a wonderful son or daughter just brimming with qualities and waiting to get married to that right one.

So c'mon everyone, take paper and pen or laptop and desktop and let us see those profiles! (And yes that means you too mother of boys!!!)

To prepare a profile (From the Chicago Shidduch Group):

• state the contact person and their email or phone
• State male or female no name
• Age and Height
• Level of frumkeit
• Shlichus or work or open
• Family background
• Personality, talents, midos
• How would you describe him/her in 3 or 4 words - a short paragraph is ok
  
• What is unique about the person
• What is he/she looking for
• State contact person again with email and phone
  

Preoccupation with appearance

Every Friday night we all say Shlomo Hamelech's words, "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy, Isha Yirat Hashem Hi Titshalul." – ‘Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, a woman who fears G-d, she is praiseworthy.’

Now is the time to apply these words to our life. For both girls and boys, appearance should not be primary. Middos should be the main emphasis. If we do put emphasis on these external things, we are really saying that Shlomo Hamelech's words are not true.

Chazal has a very inspiring interpretation on this verse: It is true that "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy," 'Chen' (charm) is false and 'Yofi' (beauty) is vain, but when "Isha Yirat Hashem" when a woman has Yirat Shamayim, then even chein and yofi even her charm and beauty are worthy of praise.

We are letting the perception of the world around us influence us to a major degree. Why do we let the goyishe world influence our choices especially when these choices are so far reaching and important? Even the goyishe world recognizes that only 5% of the population resembles the idealized version of beauty that the models peddle.

With the preoccupation with appearance, we are also driving our girls to Chas V'shalom ruin their health for such a transient mania. And what do these boys gain? After one or two children, no woman looks the same as she did as a girl, even if she manages to retain a figure.

Externals are helpful for first impressions; beyond that, if the qualities are there, externals are less relevant. One should not be put off by the other's appearance, that is a given, but to overemphasize looks is basing a lasting commitment on a temporary foundation.

Over and over I hear that it is the mothers that influence the boys in wanting girls in mannequin sizes. While the mothers cry that it is the sons who will not go out with anyone other than a "size 2". Incidentally, someone made the very valid comment that if you ask a boy who is a "size 2" most of the time he will point out an 8 or a 10. They really B"H do not know what "size 2" are, and are only parroting others.

I am sure there are some mothers who insist on a particular size or look and there are some boys who specify externals, but even more so, we as mothers must start early enough to inculcate in our children that it is middos that are important, that it is the pnimius that we are looking for. We must show by example that we believe what Rabbi Meir says in Pirkei Avos: “Al tistakel b'kankan ela b'ma, sh'yesh bo” or as we say in English: ‘Do not judge a book by its cover.’ If we have done our job well, then our children, both boys and girls, will not tell us they will not go out with anything more than a size 6. They will ask first what are the qualities this person has.

Therefore let us start changing the way WE see things and start influencing our children to look for the right things.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

There is a cute true story about “beauty in the eye of the beholder” or “Al taam vareach, ein lehitvakeach.”

A shadchente was trying to fulfill the wishes of a boy who wanted to go out only with the most beautiful girl. So she set him up with a number of very pretty girls and he refused all of them. At the end of her rope she looked through her files again and saw the only possibility left was a girl that even euphemistically you could not call beautiful. She suggested it anyway, nothing else was available.

Well, he went out with the girl and called the shadchente as soon as he came home. “Why did you take so long to suggest this girl, she’s perfect, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world!”

Please realize a picture means absolutely nothing. Someone who is average looking may appear truly beautiful by virtue of their character after further acquaintance. It is a cliché because it is true.
Some people are very photogenic and although in person they may just be pretty, the camera may make them appear beautiful. Then you have the reverse--a really beautiful girl who may look only passable. The same is true in the case of boys. Boys change so much especially at the age of shidduchim. Some may be growing a beard; some may have bad skin, or the picture was taken at an inopportune moment.

A picture has another chisaron: When one meets a person one gets a certain impression at first sight but then the person starts talking and one gets drawn into the character of the person, how interesting they are or how warm, or funny etc. so even if the first look was only homely and not handsome, once one is drawn into the character of the person physical impressions lessen. When one sees only a picture the only thing that remains is the physical impression.

A picture cannot talk; it cannot show the true essence of the person. One could chv"sh reject a shidduch because a picture is less than half the person.

Another compelling reason not to pay attention only to physical beauty is that through life we all change. The years shape us in many different ways. If the main attraction was physical beauty, what will the marriage hinge on once this aspect is not what it was in the past? Therefore, although we all agree that "attraction" is necessary, this does not always depend on the physical attributes of a person.

Give and Take

Yiddishkeit believes in giving: Klal Yisroel are responsible one for the other. We give tzedokah. We look out for each other. We try not to talk Loshon Hora and hurt others. We do Hachnasos Orchim and so on.

The world at large lives by a diametrically opposite mantra: "What's in it for me?"

If Chv”sh we go into shiduchim with a "What's in it for me?" attitude we better think again, and change our philosophy. By making the list, we get a chance to reflect with our child on what they need, and weigh their requests to see how much "take" there is in them.

When a person gives the other one takes. All Yidden wish to give more than to take. Yidden are Gomlei Chasodim after all.

I heard a story during a lecture that illustrates this give and take. After one of the horrific bombings in Yerushalayim, a neighbor of a family that was on the bus took on the task of helping them out with meals, babysitting and general help during the time the family was recuperating from the injuries of the terrorist attack. The mother of the injured family repeatedly tried to give something back to the benefactors but they would not hear about it. Finally just before the benefactors had to travel to the US the injured family was able to convince their benefactors to accept dinner before their departure. The injured family send a full meal over from soup to nuts as they say.

Only after the benefactor saw the effort that the injured family put into this dinner did they realized how hard it had been for them to accept all the help and not be able to give back!

That chazal tell us is why the Aibishter asks for us to do Mitzvos so we can get rewarded. When one earns one's way it is infinitely more satisfying.

So too in marriage, it is not healthy if one side feels s/he is always giving and the other is always receiving. Both partners have to learn when to give and when to receive.

Our children must be ready to give of themselves selflessly to build a marriage, but they have to know what qualities they need in their partner that will complement theirs. They will divide their responsibilities and their goals according to their individual strength and weeknesses and will support and encourage each other. That is why they must make a cheshbon nefesh and come to understand themselves better, before embarking on a shidduch search.

They should think: "I have this quality which will be employed in the most positive way if my spouse has this other quality." This is very difficult to do, don’t we all try on Yom Kippur to do a cheshbon nefesh and resolve to improve in the coming year? How often are we really accurate in judging ourselves? I am sure the percentage for the regular person is pretty low, so how can we ask our young children to do this?

We can help them by being there for them and by helping them with our insight to figure out their nature and needs. And if we need help? There is nothing wrong, but much good, to be found in asking the help of a mashpia, a mechanech or mechaneches who knows our child well.

Keep in mind and tell your child that the end result is not a shopping list. We cannot always find every single item that we want. And even in the rare cases where one does, marriage takes work from both sides. Only if both partners put effort in the marriage will it be successful. Marriage is work, but we can make it as pleasant as possible if both sides are willing to GIVE.

Here are some adjectives for your list that might ring a bell for you:
Emotionally stable, hard-working, charitable, even-tempered, born leader, generous, flexible, agreeable, ‘aidel’, strong-willed, outgoing, patient, reserved, playful, humorous, kind, meticulous, low-key, energetic, stable, sensitive, resilient, ambitious, perceptive, open-minded.

Our requirements or our children requirements

For the past few weeks I have been writing about making a list. It might sound obsessive, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to start a shidduch search after having narrowed down and isolated the non-negotiable character traits that our children cannot live without.

First of all with the list, our children have provided us with clear black and white directions on what is necessary for them to build a Beis Neeman B'Yisroel. As explained earlier at length, we as parents were fully involved in the list-making, so we're now on the same page as our kids.

This list will help us tell the shadchonim, our family members, our friends, and our entire network precisely what we are looking for.

It may be compared to going to a trade show where there are hundreds of vendors. Some vendors we must see; some we will pass by if we have time, and others we can skip altogether. We only have 6 hours at the show, so our time is precious. We look at the catalog of the show and plot our way, listing all the vendors we must visit in their order of importance. Subsequently, we list the ones we would like to see if we have time. Now with our plan, we will accomplish the most we can in the time we have.

Similarly, we do not want to go aimlessly looking for a "good" boy or girl. We want to be specific, and we want the search to be as quickly and as easily accomplished as Hashgocha protis lets us do it. Therefore, yes, it is a painstaking job, and it will take quite some time. It may be acrimonious at times until we all agree on the goals we are all working for, but it is absolutely and unequivocally necessary to do this at the beginning. Furthermore, when our child will go out on their first date, they will have a frame of reference to see how close the date came to what they really are looking for.
How many of those indispensable character traits were matched?
What additional pleasing traits did they find?
Which trait can be compromised on?
The list becomes a signpost to our destination, and anyone who has driven in a strange city where the streets are not well marked, knows exactly how helpful clear directions are.

A caveat to us parents at this point. We wish the best for our children, and often they will pleasantly surprise us with what they can accomplish or with what direction they want to take.

The shidduch is theirs; the life is theirs, and the Bais they will build is theirs. I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating, the list has to be of their requirements, not of ours. The character traits have to match our children characters and goals, not ours. If the list we have arrived at reflects more our wishes than theirs, we have wasted our time and theirs.

I have spoken to mothers who when asked what they were looking for in a shidduch for their child would say “What I am looking for or my son/daughter is looking for?” Is that a question?

Of course what you child is looking for, you are married already! Let us have parents-child communication! Let us hope this was built into the parent-child relationship from when they were little, because at this point in time it is essential. Know what you child wants, direct and advise them, but what they want is foremost.

I personally know of a case where the parents on both sides liked each other so well that they did not even look at how compatible their children were. The important thing was to be mechutonim. I do not have to tell you how that marriage turned out.

The Perfect Mate

Make sure when you discuss with your S/D what they want in a mate that such a spouse actually exist.

A thought to ponder: “I spent my life looking for the perfect woman, and I finally found her....but she was looking for the perfect man.”

Someone who wants a partner who is giving, sensitive, ambitious and decisive, will rarely find such a person. Sensitive, decisive and ambitious rarely come together. They may not realize how their wishes contradict one another. This makes fulfilling those wishes impossible because no such combination exists. Or if it does exist, it is extremely rare. Therefore the qualities our children choose for their spouses have to make up a real person.

Imagine a face made up by a very skilled surgeon with the best eye shape and nose shape and mouth, cheekbones etc. Just because each individual feature is the "best" or the most admired by the world at that time, this does not mean that the face will be beautiful. Sometimes we see in magazines people who have changed their nose, and they looked better before!

Our children should not pick and choose random qualities . Rather, based on their own characteristics, they should come up with a possible real person.

Another contradiction is when our children look for someone very chassidish that is totally immersed in learning but who will not mind if they go out to movies or have all kinds of magazines around the house or maybe a TV in the closet. It is not reasonable to expect a chassidishe bochur to accept that. What about the influence on future children. One cannot change at the drop of a hat.
I have heard girls say that they will stop watching videos or going to movies when they are expecting. Or that they will only watch when the husband is not home. That is not reasonable.
It is not the movie alone that is the problem, it is the entire atmosphere and way of thinking that comes into the house with it. So, if she wants to be able to do that, look for a boy who is able to accept that and realize that he will not be the most chassidish of boys. He cannot be.

In some cases when your child goes out, they might choose someone who is different from the person he/she had on paper. This may happen because the list was not based on the realistic needs of the child but more on wishful thinking. Your S/D should look at their own qualities and base their list on complementary aspects for his/her partner.

Sometimes a person thinks that they will change their prospective mate. They do not realize that both will change in the course of their marriage but not fundamentally. If our child does not like a particular characteristic, they will not be able to eradicate it. If they like a particular quality, they will be able to enhance it. Never go ahead with a marriage with the thought that you will change your partner.

Are we realistic?

Other challenges will exist if one is looking for a working bochur. There are challenges for someone working just as there are for someone on shlichus.

If he is going into his family business, that is a sure thing. If he does not have such a possibility, what skills does he have? Is the career he envisions possible. If he wants to be a lawyer but his English is nonexistent (correct spelling and good vocabulary) then he will have a steeper learning curve. Is she ready to help him out?

Is a working boy ready to make a commitment to learning even if only once a week? Is this important to her? Is he well-matched for the work he wishes to do? Does he have the temperament for it? To use the previous example, if he is not comfortable with public speaking how will he present a case? If he is in college or will go to college, will he be able to support the family until he gets his degree? If he wants to start his own business, does she understand the extra hours he will have to invest in the endeavor? Some girls think in the back of their minds that if they get a working bochur they will be able to lead a (relatively) easy life, they will have a steady income and able to set up their houses as they wish without skimping etc. They may not grasp that until established in the profession or job of their choice, their husband will not bring home as much as they may think.

Their expectation of lifestyle should be discussed. We as parents have to prepare our children for the financial responsibilities they will find in married life.

Again, when saying one wants a working boy, there are a lot of levels. Let our children be specific with their needs.

In the case of older singles, the girls may have a better position and a better salary than the boy they are looking at. He may have remained in yeshiva or helped out in shlichus all this time and not started a career. The girls have to take into consideration that these boys will not be as “sophisticated” and worldly as the ones they meet in the business world. They are certainly no less worthy, they have to be valued for what they are.

When your child describes their ideal match, have them look at themselves realistically, and have them ask themselves, "Would such a person want to marry me?"

An illustrative story was told to me by a shadchea from “Saw you at Sinai”. He had matched two people he thought had compatible backgrounds and goals. She was not too tall and a bit heavy and he was not tall and a bit heavy. She sent him an email, insulted that he had suggested such a shidduch, she wanted a tall skinny fellow, not a short heavy guy! So he answered her “If people were to judge you the way you the way you judge others you would not have a fighting chance.” Naturally she complained and he was reprimanded, and he truly should have been more diplomatic, but the point made is real – would a tall and thin guy look at her?

No matter that we say over and over look at middos and not appearances but we must be reasonable in appearances too. The person has to appeal and not put off the prospective partner.

Back to list making

When compiling this list, your Son/Daughter, should look at themselves and figure out what are their talents and best character traits. It will be much easier to articulate who they are looking for once they know themselves better.

We should be concious of the fact that it is very hard to know oneself and realize our own merits and demerits. Adults find this hard to do, vertainly our adolescents will find it much harder.

They may not realize how good they are at solving problems, or that they are peacemakers, great with children, or are very sensible. They may belittle their own talents and take them for granted. Encourage them to realize how much they have accomplished and to figure our what direction they want to take with their lives.

What are their goals, and are those goals realistic and compatible with their talents? Which talents do they want to develop further. Discuss the goals they have for their future, and by extension the goals they see for the family they want to build.

Both Chosson and Kallah must have similar goals and values for the family they will build IY”H. Their understanding of what is meaningful to them should be similar. If he wants to be a Chazan, and she hates Chazonus, there might be serious issues to overcome, especially when he is not home on Rosh Hashana or if he practices at home and she cannot stand hearing him do scales for example.

If this one wants to go on shlichus and this one wants to pursue a career, etc. Each set of circumstances comes with its baggage, and both parties must be ready to accept it. If your daughter wants a boy that will go on shlichus, she has to know that there will be sacrifices she will have to make. She may encounter hardships —real ones, not no pizza on Motzaei Shabbos!

It is more difficult these days to find Shlichus positions, and going on shlichus might entail starting a Chabad house in a new city. That has its own challenges and needs a particular character and talent.

All this has to be discussed. When our girls write they want someone who will go on shlichus, do they realize all the qualities that a person has to have to succeed? All the input they themselves will have to give? Do not use the phrase "going on shlichus" for a shortcut to a certain type of bochur. Spell it out.

Some girls, and boys as well, say they are looking for shlichus but what they are really saying is they want to be away from their parents, they want to be indipendent. Some girls say they want a boy who will go on shlichus when they mean they want a boy who is learning and serious about it. If that is the case say so!

Remember that couples who go on shlichus do so because they wish it with all their might and work hard to get a place. If you are "wishi washi" about it and not 110% dedicated you will not go on shlichus. In such a case you have dimished your chances of finding the right person and accomplished nothing. 

There are many boys out there who are over 23 and tired of doing nothing because they wait for their shidduch. Some go teach, some go learn a profession, some work. Many working boys are chassidish, have steady chavrusas, have good middos, are intellingent and good natured and all the good qualities one may want but because they are working they do not get the opportunity that a less qualified bocher has because he is sitting on a chair in 770.

Don't misunderstand. To those bochrim who are sincerely learning and utilizing their time before getting married to get in as much intense learning as they can now, because they know once married they will have responsibilities, kol hakavod. That is how it should be. But many do not have the "sitz fleish" for it, they do not have the drive, or whatever other reason. They just sit and half heartedly learn because it is the thing to do.

So to conclude: if you are looking for shlichus, sincerely and wholeheartedly, go ahead and stand by your decision. Find the bocher that will match your determination and I am sure you will be great shluchim. If you are just using "going on shlichus" as a buzword, then rearrange your thoughts, look at what qualities you are really looking for in a shidduch and spell them out. Then look at the bochrim that have those qualities, whether they are working or not.

What does go on this list then?

If we have already sat down and talked to our child as previously mentioned, and if we (ourselves as parents and our children) have been able to articulate the qualities, talents and needs (not wants) of our child, then this should not be such a difficult task.

It is necessary to keep the list down to only 6 or 7 items.

• A young lady once told me she would put on the list that the boy be a non-smoker. For her this was obligatory; she would get physically sick at the smell of stale cigarettes. A good number of girls mentioned they want someone who is straight in their dealings with others. He does not make “shtick” he does not “drei”.

I was surprised by that. It did not occur to me when I got married, and my daughters did not think of that when they got married. But times change, and our girls are now concerned that their chosson be honest and straight, with them and with others.

• Another common item on the list is “chassidish”. That is too general of a term to use on this list. Do we know how our child defines Chassidish? Is the way we define it and their interpretation the same? Be specific about what chassidish means to you and your child. This way you can explain what level of chassidish you are looking for when you speak to a shadchan.

• The same thing apples with the description “mentch”. Who is a mentch in your eyes? Is it someone who is thoughtful of others? Is it someone who is responsible? Polite? What constitutes a mentch for you?

• Some families will put on this list “meshichist” or “non-meshichist”. If you are sure that it must be, then list it, but unless it is a very heavy issue for the family, concentrate more on middos rather than “political” affiliation.

• Similar bakgrounds and upbringing, is one of the things that should be considered. Your S/D needs to be on the same “wavelength” as their prospective partner, and they need to be able to understand each other.They may live in two different cities or countries or continents but the families have similar values and outlook.
  

When our Bubbes and Zeides got married their parents knew the families, or their relative knew the families. In the limited world of the shtetl or even in the relatively limited environment of the city, everyone knew almost everyone. Even here in Crown Heights, when our parents grew up, everyone knew everyone.

It was common to marry someone from ones own village or from a relative’s village. Upbringing was similar; tastes and experiences were similar; goals were sometime basic, but they were always along similar lines.