What is wrong with singles events

Sorry for the long hiatus.Too many balls to juggle, I dropped a few:).

Conversations and articles have been cropping up in our own Chabad circles, and in other frum venues as well, on the subject of singles events. Why not put a bunch of singles together and let nature take its course.

Problem one is supervision. Will the frum organizers of these events screen each participant first to make sure they are what they represent themselves to be? At the level they are organizing the event for? Will all participants attend with the intention of earnestly trying to find a possible match, or will some just go to have a "good time" so that the person they connect to gets their hopes up for something permanent when no such thing is offered?

What about health issues? What if both families are carriers of genetic diseases and if Dor Yesharim results were checked they would not be compatible? Now that the couple has met, started a rapport, feel connected, they are told, so sorry wasted your time, you cannot be a match?! What if one side has severe issues in the family that the other side would not accept under normal circumstances? And I mean severe issues such as mental illness,abusive or controlling behavior etc. These things are usually researched by the parents or mashpiim before the couple meets, but here we go "mit die kop arop" we put the horse before the cart and let couples meet without any background checks.

Why do people think single events are the best thing since the invention of the wheel? Meeting someone and jumping into a relationship right away takes away the objectivity from that person. Now they are in a very emotional state. They cannot think clearly about the others' defects or even their qualities because they are wearing rose colored glasses, and they are blinded by their “love” which may be infatuation or whatever you may call it, but it is not true love. Take a peek at http://www.aish.com/d/w/48952241.html.

Two more points I can think of, but will discuss them next time.

Non Traditional Methods Cont'd

It is not as unusual as it once was to let "Mame Liebe" do the job. Which means when a couple meets and "falls in LOVE".

In the best situation once the couple has been dating for a while and they want to marry, they will approach the parents and lay the situation out for them. Or the parents may find out on their own about the couple.

Although the reaction of a parent when faced with such a request might resemble something somewhat closer to fireworks than flowers, parents should consider that the children did come to them eventually, and want to do this in the proper manner after all. No matter what let us consider that like everything else this is also definitely Hashgacha Protis. Hashem does bring about shidduchim in a lot of different ways, and due to the level this couple was in this was the way it had to work out.

The worse scenario is when the parents find out that their child is just happy dating and has no thought of marriage!

But let us look at the more positive way: either the kids tell the parents they wish to get married and need their help with the wedding, or the parents find out on their own and confront their kids. Either way the parents should take a deep breath and count to ten before even thinking about the situation. Do not, absolutely do not, say the first thing that comes to mind. You are closing the door before it is even open.

By coming to you, the couple is acknowledging that they cannot do this alone and hopefully they are willing to listen to your advice. You have to realize that rehashing past behavior at this point is counterproductive. You have been put in a spot you do not wish to be in, but have no choice about. As they are so fond to say in this country, when you are given lemons, make lemonade. Maybe this is a good thing for your child, and if you manage this correctly, only good will come from it.

Consider the situation from this point forward. Do the research into the boy or girl as you would do in a normal case. If for no other reason, do it at least for your own peace of mind. Share your research with your child. If what you find is negative, explain your concerns to your child, calmly and logically. You may be able to influence him or her to your way of thinking, or you may give yourself more time, and anything may happen with time. An infatuation may be replaced by another interest, or they may fall out of “love” just as they fell into it.

The one most important thing to remember is to keep the dialogue open with your child. Even if one of the parents cannot be rational or logical in this situation, the other has to stay in touch and maintain an open channel.

When you show your displeasure to your child, make sure he/she understands that it is the circumstances and his/her choices that you are displeased about, but that you still love him or her. It is the action you hate and not the child. A benefit of keeping an open channel with your child is that they may listen to your advice on how to build a Bayis Neemon. They may be willing to accept a slightly more stringent lifestyle than they would otherwise because you were logical and persuasive about the necessity of keeping certain mitzvos and boundaries.

Consider who you are talking to.

When doing research, consider who you are talking to.

If you are talking to a close friend of yours who also knows the other side, then you are on more even ground, as you know what their standards are and how they judge, and you can put the answers in a proper prospective. I

f you do not know the person you are calling for information, be careful what weight you put on the answers. If something you hear is raising a flag, ask specific questions to clarify what you are hearing, you may have misunderstood or the person at the other end meant something different. It is much easier to clarify things right away, rather that later. Also, do not automatically say no. Do further research on that one point until you are very sure that the facts are true, and it is something undesirable to you.

Some other possible questions: What is their connection to the Rebbe? What part does the Rebbe play in their lives? (this is not a “meshichist” or “anti” question). Are the parents hands on parents or more laissez faire. Was there sholom bayis in their home? Do they have a lot of emotional baggage? Is she open-minded? ( what does open minded mean to you?) Is the family open-minded? Are they straightforward and honest, or is there a hidden agenda, and you don’t really know their intentions? Are they open to change, or do they dread it? How do they act with strangers: are they respectful with all kinds of people, janitors, cleaning ladies, shopkeepers, kids, secretaries yidden and goyim etc.? Are they a ‘good listener’? Are they always thinking of the next project, or do they take time to really give you their whole attention? Do they set attainable goals or just castles in the sky? Do they go with the flow, or do they know where they are going? Do they have a mashpia? Do they follow advice or prefer their own counsel? What is their conversation like? Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Centuries ago, Machiavelli (Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli born in 1469 and diplomat and adviser to the Medici family, known for his work “The Prince” and Discourses on Livy) noted in “The Prince”: “The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by things that seem, than by those that are.” Or as Rabbi Yehudah HaNossi (the prince) used to say: “Al tistakel b’kankan elah b’ma sheyeysh bo.” Don’t look at the flask, but at its contents.

Questions on Health

I wrote about health back in May. Such questions should definitely be asked, no matter how uncomfortable they might make you.
Ask about family health in general, and the person you are looking into specifically, both physical health, and mental health.
Be reasonable, certain conditions are not life threattening and do not greatly influence the couple's life. Others are of concern but can be dealt with and still others have to be discussed with a doctor. Consider your own family history as well. No one is perfect but if both families carry the same tendencies, they might get aggravated in the children.
Don't hesitate to ask your doctor if you are not sure, (and even if you think you know) whether a condition is acceptable or not.

More ???

• Does she have an even temperament.

Give examples of what you mean- (subjective question).

Is she moody, one minute having a smiling disposition and the next upset or angry. Often moodiness may be a warning sign of other more serious problems.

• Does she have a temper?

This one can be combines with the previous question although they are not really the same. Temper was discussed at length in a previous article regarding boys’ questions. Not only boys have tempers. Girls can have them too. Find out how she acts when angered. Does she sulk, hold grudges? Does she retreat into offended dignity for ages? Does it quickly blown over, etc.?

A woman's anger is generally less intimidating than a man’s; therefore often, one does not consider this an important point, but it is good to know if a girl is prone to outbursts or is generally even-tempered.

Think of how your son's temperament is and direct the question as counterpoint. If your son has a very long fuse and does not anger easily, then someone who is more volatile may be ok, but if he has a short fuse and so does she, it might lead to too many sparks.

• Question: Is she neat, organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question).

Some boys must have neatness around them in order to feel relaxed or even to be able to think calmly. Others can function in the middle of a tornado. Some people are very organized in their thoughts; therefore, the chaos around them does not affect them as much, but for people whose thought processes are not so organized, having neatness and a seder around is essential. If you, the mother, are very conscientious in your cleaning and would not dream to leave a dish in the sink before going to bed no matter how tired you are, find out if that is a quality your son values or if he barely notices. If the wife of such a boy is more concerned with having a warm house (warmkeit in yiddish not warm as in heat) than a spotless house, will this engender discord among the couple?

• Question: Is she careful with tznius?

It is a sad fact that we as a community are not as careful with tznius as we once were. Because we work closely with people in all stages of kiruv, we are anesthetized against seeing something problematic in tznius. We accept that people will go around without stockings in the summer, or wear skirts that are short with slits or barely cover the knees and collars that are a little too open, and so on and so forth.

This is also due to our openness to the world at large: we are bombarded by ads and magazines and goyishe ideals that have nothing to do with our ideal of beauty or modesty.

It is also a question of education. For whatever reason, if one mentions the word tznius in conversation, it is taboo just like religion and politics; it is bound to raise animosity and resistance.

In reality, tznius is a beautiful thing. It is a well of self confidence that women and girls have that enables us to dress in a pleasant and pleasing way and still retain our dignity, our regal worth. It allows us to feel well-dressed and au-currant without running after every twitch and twist of the fashion world. It enables us to be appreciated for who we are and not for what we wear.

So to get back to our question, we have a lot of different levels in our neighborhood, and I have come across the fact that an eminently suitable girl will be rejected because her hems are too high or she does not wear stockings. The decision to look more fashionable so that she attracts the right attention, or some would say to be more comfortable, is preventing a great girl from making a good shidduch. We are letting our standards slip, and it is not beneficial in any way.

So, if your son is concerned that his wife wear the right length and be stricter with her tznius, this question should be asked. And it should be asked also when your son does not have a personal opinion at this point, but you do not wish your daughter-in-law to sit across from you at your table dressed in an unsuitable manner. This encompasses a whole other topic of course, and I know a lot of people will be riled up (did I not write it is like talking politics where no one can agree?), but I find it incomprehensible how young couples can so blatantly insult parents in their own home.

• Question: Is she fashion-conscious, obsessed?

All we want to know is if she is obsessed by fashion and must always try the latest styles or does she dress stylishly but have other areas of interest besides the latest color in vogue. I knew someone who was very difficult to talk to because her world revolved around clothes and fashion.

For the right boy such a girl is eminently suitable. Her kids will always be dressed to the nines and her house will be a showplace.

• Is the family a close knit family?

This question matters to some people and is totally irrelevant to others. Sometimes your family loves the match suggested but may have some issues with a close relative. In such a case, you might want to know in advance how close the family is. It should not make a difference to the shidduch if other more important things are fine, but it is good to know.

Another reason for the question is, for example, if your family is very tight and always spend Yomim Tovim together, this answer gives you a heads up to how much you will have to share. If both families are close you will have to juggle visits and reunions. When only one side is close knit it might be difficult for the other to understand why s/he is always on the phone with their family, or is always visiting and so on.

• Is she sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. (subjective question)

This question might have gotten an answer when you asked about temperament. If not, it is an essential question as you should know if the girl is introverted or very outgoing (to mention two extremes). Don’t match a very social and outgoing person with a homebody who would rather stay home with a sefer than go out and visit. It will not really draw out the shy partner. It will make it a point of contention between the two if one is always wishing to go out and the other wants to spend the evening relaxing at home. If one side is a little more friendly and gregarious than the other, the one will draw the other one out some. As long as they are not at the polar opposites they will influence their partner a bit, but when the differences are too far apart then they will only get on each others nerves. Naturally, there are always exceptions, but before you think you are one of those exceptions, consider well.

Questions on Girls

Here are some questions that you may want to ask when researching a girl:

• What Seminary did she go to?

We ask what Sem a girl went to because it gives us a basic idea of what kind of a girl she is. Choosing a sem should be individualized according to the girl needs. We should find a sem for our daughters that will give them the possibility to grow and become capable independent women who know their own worth.

Some girls go to seminaries that emphasize learning. Some go to sems that give courses in possible future enterprises, such as sewing or hair/wig care. There are different kind of sems for different characters. Knowing where a girl went might give one an idea of where this girl is heading. Often girls will just go to one sem or another because their friends are going there, or their sisters went there. That does not disprove what is said above. After all a girl who is not interested in learning will not go to an intensive learning program, just because some of her friends will go there.

• What is she doing now?

Rounds out our picture of the girl. If she is in shlichus, or teaching, or working, it will tell us how she is managing her time.

• Did she go on shlichus after Sem?

• What does she want to do, teach, work in an office, go to college, shlichus etc?

• What did she do with her summers?

• Is she shy or lebedick

Give examples of what you mean - I explained in the boys list of questions what we are trying to achieve with a particular question. I will not repeat here what was covered before. Some questions are appropriate for both boys and girls so look at both lists, it may be I did not repeat it.

I will digress to share a story someone related recently. I do not know if the story is true or not as the one who told me the story did not know the protagonists, but it clearly illustrates a very important point.

A shadchan offered a match to a family, Rabbi and Mrs. Plony. Their son was a well-liked boy with good midos who knew how to learn. The parents naturally wished the best match for him. They investigated the proposed name, but the results were not encouraging. No one said outright that there was anything wrong with the person, but there were rumors, generalities, and unfounded objections. Therefore, they decided not to continue with this shidduch and told the shadchan that they were not interested.

Mrs. Plony was upset that another initially promising lead had come to nothing. The constant high and lows were very wearying, so after talking to the shadchan, she went to the Kosel to daven that her son find his besherte. While pouring her heart out at the Kosel, a girl stood next to her, davening herself with apparent deep sincerity. When the girl saw the tears in the older woman eyes, she approached her to see if there was any way she could be of help, and Mrs. Plony got into a conversation with her. When Mrs. Plony mentioned she was from a particular sect of Chassidim, the girl asked her if she knew of a family Plony that belonged to that sect. Without revealing her own name, the very surprised lady asked the girl why she was inquiring of them. The girl answered that a certain shadchan had offered the son of this family as a shidduch, but after hearing that they were looking into it, she did not hear anything further, and therefore, she was making limited inquiries into the family herself to see if it was a possibility. That is why she had come to the Kosel -- to daven for Siata D'shmaya that she may soon find her shidduch. After some more conversation, Mrs. Plony discovered that this was a very warm-hearted girl, intelligent, and with good middos -- just what she was looking for her son.

She revealed herself as that Mrs. Plony the girl was trying to find, and a short time later the couple was engaged.

The nimshol of the story is clear to everyone. If you are not happy with the answers you receive, or have unsubstantiated objections, or do not have enough people to ask, do not throw away the shidduch but refine your search; ask more pertinent questions; insist on confirmed information, ask friends if they know anyone in the area or if they know anyone who might know this family.

Why put the Eibishter to the extra trouble (such as to make the mother and the girl meet) because one has let themselves be swayed by rumors and hearsay.

But like every coin has two sides, if your tendency is to examine everything with a magnifying glass and then to go for the microscope, take a step back and do not examine so much. Stick to the important traits and questions and forget the irrelevant questions about scraping the dishes or tying the shoes. Asking if he has a good voice or not may be appropriate when hiring a chazzan, but it will not make or break a marriage. At least not as a rule.

Another point I wish to bring up. In every group there are popular name, so for example by us there are a lot of Mushkies, Nechamas, or Mendels and Yosef Itzchaks. Sometimes in a family there are cousins with the same name who are very close in age. Be careful when looking for information that what you get is for the right person. One shidduch never came about because the information was relayed that the girl was introverted, when in reality that was the cousin and not her.

So on to the questions. Let me say again that there are probably other questions that you might find important that I have not listed (write me a note) and questions which I have listed that you may find irrelevant.

Wrap up

One last comment on the boys before going on:
It has become more and more common for some boys to go to the army (Israeli for the most part) for 18 months or more. Some of these boys may have been distancing themselves from frumkeit, some felt this was a must before they entered the next stage of life and the responsibilities. Do not refuse to look into these boys. Just because they went to the army does not mean they are not frum. Many of them learn with chavrusas, go to minyan, do Chitas and do not touch their beards. Some plan to go to Kollel after they marry, some even on shlichus.
So keep in mind that there are outstanding and middling boys who are learning and outstanding and middling boys who are working, and among those there are outstanding and middling boys that went to the army. Do not take things for granted, investigate, the only caveat being: do not be obsessive just diligent.

Questions, questions...

• Is he a morning person or a night owl?

It is sometimes hard for a night owl to get along with a morning person; when one is up and chipper, the other only wants to sleep, and when one is just getting going, the other is drooping, so it is a valid question.

• Does he make friends easily?

This question might have already have been answered by one of the previous questions.

• What do you consider his best quality? (subjective question)

It is helpful to hear what friends and family find admirable in a boy.

• What do you consider his worst defect?

Be weary of repeated: "He is such a wonderful boy I cannot think of anything at all!" No one is perfect, if they cannot think of anything it may mean that there is something they do not want to say, and it is so big in their mind they cannot come up with a minor infraction they can say. Therefore if one person cannot think of anything, it may happen but if more than one gives you such an answer ask a few more people.

• What kind or a drinker is he? How does he behave after a few drinks?

As mentioned previously, in Lubavitch many boys drink at Farbrengens, is that something we should worry about? We are not talking here of alcoholics, Ch V’Sh. So why would we even ask? Well, some of us do not like the results of drinking. We do not wish to have our husband brought home after a Farbrengen, more unconscious than not, and we do not wish to deal with the aftereffects of a hang over. Others, do not mind and do not think it is necessarily a bad thing if occasionally they go overboard. Therefore, it really depends on whether this kind of drinking bothers your girl or not. You should look into it at least to make sure that there is no real drinking problem and go vaiter. (This is one of the 3 things mentioned in the Gemora, see above)

Another concern to keep in mind: Some boys and girls are projecting an image. He is considered the best bocher, a baal chessed etc. She is considered a leader in her clique, cheerful, studious, outgoing etc.

These girls and boys could be acting in a certain way because of their present surroundings. They know a certain behavior is expected and they provide it. But if taken out of these situations, do they have the personal resources to be what they project or is it only an image? Is he truly studious or it is part of his image to sit with a sefer and he thinks of ______ (pick your subject) while looking at the open sefer. Is she enterprising in public but not at home? Even more, is he/she courteous to friends and strangers but abrupt and unfriendly with family?

When looking for a shidduch for your child do not be taken in by an image. Make sure that what you get from your inquiries are solid answers and not the usual patter of “he is a wonderful boy...” “she is a great girl...”. And when your child goes out she should not be taken in by pretty manners put on show for the date, see how he behaves with waiters or attendants, parking valets etc. The same way people will not be totally truthful on a job application, similarly young people will act in the accepted way publicly so that they may get married.

Some may act more frum than they are, some may stop trimming a beard just for a shidduch etc.

Caveat: We should not go crazy checking every last thing, after all sometimes from "shelo lishmo bo lishmo" they have acted a certain way so often they get in the habit of it. The point is if there is a particular thing you are makpid on, do diligent research. I repeat: one particular thing, let us not go overboard and consider everything particular.

Researching Boys II

Continuing with examples of questions to ask when researching a boy.

It might look that some of the questions have been asked before, but sometimes when you did not get the answer you needed the first time it is worth it to re-frame the question and re-ask. Also, sometimes the question is similar but not the same, you are getting to a different aspect of the person. And again sometimes you just skip the question you thing repetitive because you got your answer previously.

• Is he working?

You may or may not know the answer to this already. If he is a boy who’s learning, he may be working some hours a day. He may be tutoring or teaching. Or if he is a “working” boy, he may be studying for a future career but not working, or he may be working part time and studying part time.

Let's be realistic. If a bocher is a certain age, he is working even if he wants to go on shlichus. In fact if a 28 and older bocher is not involved in something I would be surprised. Of course you have the exception, Bochrim who have such a kop for learning that it is what they do all day with full committment. That is possible, but seriously how many can do that?

Others might keep busy teaching, or being involved in organizations, or helping shluchim, or go into some kind of business or learning a trade.

One has to understand that a lot of these bochrims are true gems, but they could not wait to get married to start life, so do not categorize them in a lower level just because they picked themselves up and did something with their lives.

• Is he driven (trait not car!), forceful, high strung or sedate?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Are you looking for someone who is out thee looking for opportunities, ambitious, driven to succeed in whatever path he has chosen? Or are you looking for someone who get things done but quietly and calmly, or someone who has a laid back attitude, doing what he has to do, but letting things also take their course without pushing, etc. Describe what you mean with your question, you will get a much better answer.

• Is he sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. This is not the same question as in the last post. One may be laid back but not sedate. One may be a bit wild but not enterprising. Before you were asking more in reference to the world at large--whether in regard to shlichus: can he fund-raise? Or in regard to business, does he look for opportunity or does he wait for it to knock? Now, you are asking about a personal character trait: is he the first to jump in or does he observe what others do first? Is he calm and contained or is he always on the edge of his seat? Again, use your own examples that will give you the insight you want. One can be reserved but rise to the occasion. When necessary, they can be sociable. Or are they reserved and prefer to avoid social situations that will spotlight them?

• Does he have a temper or an even temperament?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Everyone gets angry sometimes, but you wish to know if he is easily angered, or if he holds a grudge, and it takes ages to get him out of a “sulk”. As Pirkei Avos says, there are 4 types of temperaments: easily angered and easily appeased, slow to anger and slow to be appeased, slow to anger and easy to be appeased, and easily angered and slow to be appeased which we all know is the worst combination.

We all give in to anger sometimes, but it is good to find out what one does when angry. Stay and yell, storm out and calm down outside, etc. Explain what you feel is excessive anger and give examples. (We are not taking here about abusive behavior Ch’V. If you have heard rumors of such, do not rely on rumors but try to find out the truth and speak to a mumche, a counselor)

Anger is one of the 3 facts the gemorah tells us reveal the character of a person (Kiso, Ka'aso, Koyso, his pocket - financial -, his anger and in his cups)

• Is he neat (his room, his papers), organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Neatness and organization might matter greatly to some and not at all to others. If it is important, be specific with your examples. Do you want to know if he is neat in dress, orderly with his personal belonging, with his books or files etc.? (Some people may be sloppy at home but greatly organized at the office.)

If a girl is always very neat and orderly in her life and she marries a slob, there will be issues that both have to resolve. She has to accept the fact that he is not very concerned with neatness and orderliness and can live with this fact. She should not think she can change him after they are married. Similarly if he grew up in a house where his mother was a great balabusta and everything had its place and there was not a crumb left in sight before going to sleep, but the girl he is looking into is more relaxed with the household and if the dishes stay for the next day it is just fine, he has to decide if he can live with this attitude, maybe pitch in to bring things to his own standard, but again he should not think that she will become the balabuste he wants just because he is marriying her.

This is not a deal breaker as long as both parties go into the marriage knowing the shortcomings of the other and ready to accepting them.

• Is he fashion conscious (i.e., his shirts must be a particular brand name, only 100% cotton ...)?

• Does he dress sloppily or neatly?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). How concerned are you with his mode of dress? Does he have to be neat or does he have to look well-dressed? Explain your level of fashion so you can get a proper answer. Is it important to you that his shirt is tucked in? His pants color match the jacked color (common blue pants with black jacket)? Does he look like he slept in his clothes etc. Consider that if for the girl it is important that his pants be pressed and his shirt uncreased, she can make sure of that after they are married. He may not care, but she can make sure that his closed is up to her par. On the other hand, she may want someone who will be concious of his own appearance without her imput.

• Does he help around the house?

Mamy bochrim have been away from home from early adolescent, which makes it difficult to get an answer but, they do come home bein hazmanim, and they stay by shluchim and so on.

Some bochrim are always ready to lend a helping hand, some are not. Some only do it outside their own home or dorm.

• Does he get along with his siblings? (subjective question)

Explain what you mean by getting along: some families are a loose unit--everyone is friendly and close, but each is an individual and independent. Some families are a tight unit, very close to one another even though geographically apart. In one case an occasional phone call or visit is considered fine. In the other case it would be considered a distant relationship. If the girl comes from a tightknit family he has to realze that she will keep this close contact even after marriage. It is not a negative or positive trait, it is just a fact. When both sides come from closeknit families and they live in separate cities there are more compromises to be reached as to when to go where, for Yom Tov, for visits etc. It is just an item to be considered, nothing to agonize over.

• What are his hobbies?

• What does he do in his spare time?

It may give an insight into other interests the bocher has. Maybe he is a nature lover, or a photographer or an artist, etc.

• Does he go on mivtzoim?

• Is he well liked by his friends, neighbors, fellow students, staff, Rabbeim?

• Does he have a sense of humor? (subjective question)

Is he the resident clown or does he have the right “bon mot” at the appropriate time? Can lighten up a conversation with a well-said joke? Humor is also “in the ear of the beholder”. What is funny for an Englishman might not be for an American. But humor makes life so much easier. It is a great thing to be able to not take oneself too seriously. On the other hand someone who cannot be serious is a challenge.

• Is he a graceful looser?

We are not talking about games really. It starts with games when the kids are small and continues in school, business and life. Sometimes a student is rewarded when another should have been, or the learning of one is praised more than a second one; or one boy's idea is rejected but accepted when repackaged by a different boy, etc. What is the boy’s reaction in such life situations? How gracefully does he accept life’s “unfair hits”?

More on Research

Be thorough in your research.

Ask the right questions and call both the reference you were given and friends or family who might know the prospect.

On the other hand, to all those who give information: make sure your information is factual and true to the best of your ability (see previous articles).

If there is a medical problem and you are not sure if it should be mentioned, call a Rov. By withholding information you are not doing a favor to anyone. I recently heard a story of a divorce that came about because of information that was withheld. A couple had a baby that was born with certain defects which were caused by medication the husband was on at the time of conception. The wife had no idea the husband was on medication or even that he needed any. If the wife had known about the condition, the baby might have been born healthy.

Again on the other hand: people think that shadchonim or others trying to make a shidduch are trying to fool them or trick them by "hiding" information. This is not so. Many times a Rov will tell the family they do not have to disclose a certain fact. It could be because it is well known in the community and it is not something hidden but obvious when one meets the person (such as a limp or a stutter). Do not jump to conclusions that the family was "hiding information". Allowing for a lag of time before some information is found could be the making of a shidduch. If the family has found out that the prospect is full of maylos, good qualities and middos, then when they discover that there is a flaw they will measure it against all the good and still go on with the shidduch. But when the flaw is laid bare at the beginning, it becomes a major flaw and the shidduch is rejected.

How much research

Like every thing else, just mentioning the words “shiduchim research” in a group, will bring conflicting and contradictory opinions.

A popular story is the one of the Rov who was presented a case, and after the first side speaks, he agrees with him. Then when the second side speaks, he agrees with him, so the Rov's wife asks him, “How can they both be right?”, and he responds to her, “You are also right!”

So it is with research: there are those who say there is not enough research done and that is why later problems may arise, and they are right. On the other hand, there are those that say that research has gotten out of hand, and people ask questions that have no relevance to the character of the person in question--they are also right. I guess they can both be right.

Research can prevent all sorts of problems later on. Make sure the character presented is truly the character that is (as shown previously). When the couple does meets, it should be just to make sure they have a connection and are on the same wavelength. They should enjoy talking to each other and be able to relate to each other. Going out should not be about general research. All that should be done in advance.

That is how it is possible for a couple to go out 5 or 8 times and say yes. All that has to be discovered by the couple is if they have an affinity for each other. (I’ll return to the subject later when we discuss dating.)

On the other hand, overkill in research is not conducive to a good result. Often inappropriate questions are asked. Another example of an unsuitable question would be: What kind of car do the parents drive? It might indicate the financial level of the family, but there are better and more direct ways to find that out.

Everyone has a "skeleton in the closet" it may be more or less substantial but no one alive can bare their life and come out "roses". Peccadilloes abound. The thing is to know what are peccadilloes that can be ignored and information that will make a difference in our children's lives.

Heath issues, as will be written in a future blog entry, should be always checked out. Rumors should be taken as untrue but followed up to make sure. Stick to facts in all things, assumptions and gossip are not good information.

Someone said that unfortunately, we are living in a culture that makes more of defining a person by the subcategories of subcategories which they fit into than by the nobility of their character. This is indeed a sad state of affairs. And this is what we should avoid doing in our research. Don’t ask question to categorize people; ask questions that will reveal their personality and character.

Calling for References

When you call, you should have a list of specific questions.
In order to receive good answers, direct questions are a must. A written list of questions is necessary. You may think that you know in your mind what questions you wish to have answered, but during a conversation, it is easy to get sidetracked and distracted, and then forget to find out about important points.
With a written list you can check off the questions as they get answered. Take notes of the answers. Ask the person to give you a second as you are taking notes. Even if you have a good memory, it is easy to forget the details. Even more, it is useful to write the exact words (adjectives) you hear, so your mind does not supply its own interpretation of what you heard.

It is easy to be influenced without realizing it. If the person on the other end of the phone is enthusiastic about the prospect, one is easily carried along by the enthusiasm and may interpret what one hears subjectively. If we write the exact words, we can review the conversation without that influence. Although, (yes, I am being contrary) impressions should be noted as well.

Asking what can you tell me about so and so is not an answerable question. First of all as explained previously one can only answer questions that are specific in nature and not general questions. I will give examples of specific questions in a separate blog.

I also believe in making the calls myself and not having another person call for me. This is my personal preference because when you listen to someone’s description, often you can hear between the lines what they are not saying. The tone of voice will give you pointers. The pauses, the type of adjectives used will tell you more than just “Merriam-Webster’s” definition.

For example, you call someone and after the first few awkward explanations, the conversation takes a warmer tone. The person genuinely likes the one you are discussing, and it comes through in the tone of their voice. Or someone is not very familiar with them, so they may sound hesitant. Someone may describe the person as “nice”, “pleasant”, etc. These are “milquetoast” (tame) adjectives, too bland to describe someone who certainly has some admirable characteristics.

The exception to calling references yourself is if the young man or lady calls for herself. That is a much more difficult call. It would be preferred if at all possible that a mashpia or good (married, older) friend make the calls for the one involved. Aside from the reticence involved in asking information for oneself, and the reciprocal reticence of not wanting to tell the person directly involved less than laudatory information, there is the stress of finding out again and again that the name suggested is very far from the requested ideal. Finding out again and again that the proposed shidduch is only a match in the very basic terms (one is a girl and one is a boy) depresses and stresses out the young man or young lady making the calls.

I know of a mashpia who told his mushpa to pass along to him all the names he is offered and he would make the calls. If anything appropriate was suggested then he would pass back the name.

Being a reference

If someone calls you to ask that you be a reference for them, on the one hand, know what you are taking on, but on the other hand do not say no just because it takes a bit of effort.

You might want to discuss with the person calling you what is your impression of their child (or themselves). Or you may ask them if there is something they wish you to say, or not say.

It also pays to learn the halachos of Lashon harah for this particular case: giving information for a shidduch. You may want to go to this blog (February archive - the toungue III) and look up the article about giving information. As mentioned in the above referenced blog if you are asked something you are not sure how to answer tell the person you have to call them back and call a Rov to find out what you should say.

If you accept the responsibility of being a reference, realize that it might take time out of your schedule to properly answer the questions posed. If it is not possible for you to be available when the person calls for references, take their number and tell them you will call back or ask them to call you at a more convenient time. Do not say that you are too busy and cannot help. That is not complementary to the person who gave out your name.

If your name was given without your knowledge and you really cannot take the time to be a reference for your friend, then call your friend and ask him/her to take you off the list.

In short it is a wonderful thing you are doing by giving of your time to help someone get married, but make sure you give only facts and you know exactly what one is allowed to say and what one should not say. Answer questions to the point and not general questions like : "What can you tell me about plony ben/bas ploni."

Choosing what references to give

Keep the resume updated.

If the resume was made a year ago, make sure to review it before it is sent on. If you have not talked to a particular reference for a long time, decide if you wish to keep that reference on or change it for someone else.

Make sure you know what the reference will say about your single, or you. If you have to ask a friend to call the reference and ask about you (or your single), to find out what is said, then do it!

Please everyone, when you give a name for references speak to that person and make sure they will give references for you. There are plenty of cases when a parent will call and hear the reference say: "I can't imagine why my name was given I really do not know ... ." This is not a positive answer!

Choose some references that know your family, even if they do not know your single so well because s/he was away in yeshiva, seminary, shlichus etc. Then give adult references that know your single, maybe a shlucha/shliach they worked for, or a mashpia etc. Then give friends of your single. Have your single call his/her friends and make sure they will give the right kind of info about her.

Do not panic if no one calls your references. Maybe the person found out all they wished to know from other sources. On the other hand do not consider your references as a minor part of the shidduch process. Give enough thought to who you are giving and who would be your best advocate.

Introduction to research

The next topic I will tackle is research. I know it is a topic that is important to many, and that is why I want to preface it with some important points.

Research is very important in a shidduch. In fact it is essential. But like all things it has to be done in the right way. Too little research and you will not get the important information you need, too much research and no one will be good enough.

The timing of research is also important: before the boy and girl meet, do all the research you can. Check references, call your friends, call anyone you want. Once you have decided that it is a good match and they start going out, one should really be sure that this is the right one. One can still make calls especially in the beginning of going out, (such as the first 2, 3 dates) when it is believed that this is a possible yes and there are some new doubts, or information to clarify. But it should be self understood that the bulk of the research has already been done.

After the couple is engaged, there should be no more research calls made. If someone specifically calls with information, one can listen and one can verify that information but do not actively continue to dig. At this point the couple is engaged and feelings are involved. Even in Lubavitch where we do not do Eirusin and we only do Tenoyim just before the chuppa, breaking an engagement is a weighty thing.

Therefore do research before they meet, clear up your doubts if necessary after they have met, but once they are engaged, do not continue doing research. After all if we have bitachon that the Eibishter is our partner in the shidduch then we have to leave it up to Him that this is the right person for our child, or that He will arange matters for the good.

There was a cute? sad? commentary on research on the web, that detailed how we would not even consider the Avos or Imaot, or even Moshe Rabeinu as in laws, if we were doing the research these days, so let us not be obsessive and if we are too close to the matter and not sure if we have done enough research we should ask our mashpia or rav for advice.

Let us keep things in prospective and not need to know when was s/he was toilet trained and we do not need to speak to their elementary teachers.

Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Chabadmatch

Another tool available to Lubavitchers that utilizes the very latest state of the art technology, but does so in a traditional way is ChabadMatch.com.

ChabadMatch concurrs that there is a shidduchim crisis. A lot of the webmaster’s friends were finding great difficulty in finding shidduchim, so he came up with this concept to try and help others find their spouses. The original idea grew out from the desire to get more information about potential shidduchim than the “Bochrim List” was making available.
The site creator took his idea to developers and designers, raised initial funding and built a prototype which he showed to shadchanim. With their feedback the site was tweaked to be the best that it could be. ChanadMatch is a work in progress; new improvements are added as necessary. Presently, when there are new members on the site, the shadchonim get notified. The site was also shown to Rabbonim, and it received their haskoma that it was indeed proper and okay to list names and profiles of singles in this way.

ChabadMatch started two years ago, and at this time they have about 1,950 singles registered. Since inception, 25 shidduchim came directly from using the site, and a few more happened indirectly because of seeing a profile on the site.
Just like any other tool, this database is made to be used as a springboard for your own efforts. If a promising profile is found, research has to be made; the shadchan has to be contacted, etc. Just having the profile up on the site will not bring results. New names are listed daily, so it pays to return often to the site to see if something interesting is now listed. Chabadmatch is a starting point. Use ChabadMatch to narrow down your choices. Go to the site often to see new profiles. Then follow up with the research and contacting the shadchonim, etc. Two contacts are listed for every listing. In the case where a person cannot reach either of the two contacts, one’s own shadchan or one of the shadchonim listed on the site can be asked to make the shidduch. Even the webmaster has taken a hand in helping out when necessary.

The site was created for shadchonim to have a database of singles who are looking for shidduchim. Shadchonim have access to all singles profiles, names and pictures. Feedback revealed that parents were frustrated by not being in control of the shidduch process. Waiting for a shadchan to come up with a suggestion is sometimes hard, and when the suggestions are not appropriate, a parent might well be upset and wish that there was a way they could themselves start the process.

The site empowers parents to do limited searches and offers a way to study the profiles without pictures and most without names, so they can decide if there is a profile they are interested in. They then can approach a shadchan to complete the shidduch.

The webmaster and his wife put in time keeping the site up to date and answering any queries that are sent to them. On the site now there is a ratio of about 60% girls to 40% boys. About 30 to 40% put up pictures. The administrator finds that pictures are a plus to have on one’s profile, although a shadchan can always ask for one when necessary, but it helps initially to receive that extra attention. Keep in mind that only shadchonim see the pictures; no parents see them on their searches.

The initial intake form on the site is extensive. The questions asked are insightful and make one think of what their goals and requirements are. It is a very helpful tool for shadchonim and parents as an initial parameter to see if a name is a possibility or not in the ballpark at all.

The questions on the website were thought out carefully with shadchonim so that the person describing him or herself is able to give a comprehensive profile of themselves. Naturally some will reveal more and some less. One may say this profile is even better than an interview with a shadchan because more thought goes into the writing of a profile than just describing oneself to a shadchan. When a parent or a single fills out the profile, the answers should be as complete and comprehensive as possible. Think about the impression you want people to come away with. On the site one can find all sorts of boys or girls: there are some boys who are on shlichus and plan to make a life of shlichus; there are working boys; there are girls who are on shlichus or who are working; girls who only want boys who will try to go on shlichus, or girls who are looking for both working and shlichus boys or just for working boys. There are profiles from America, Israel, South America and Europe. According to the site manager, Lubavitch has become too big, and a list of names is not enough to be helpful to a vast majority of parents who do not know who people are by family names.

The amount of information that parents can see is decided by the parent writing the profile or by the single; they can make more or less information available to parents looking at the database.
There is a choice at the end of the form where a parentor single can choose who will see their profile. The choices are:
Allow singles and parents of singles to see my profile, including my name, excluding my contact info.Allow singles and parents of singles to see part of my profile, excluding my name.
Do not allow singles or parents of singles to see any part of my profile. If you are registering your daughter and do not want anyone but a shadchan to access her profile you can choose #3 and only a registered shadchan will be able to access the information.

Why did this site succeed in having singles list their profiles while the “Bochrim List” did not? My opinion is that in 2004 when the “Bochrim List” made the attempt, people were still shying away from putting personal information on the web. But recently with the Facebook (or My Space) phenomena, this has become accepted at an alarming rate. There is a lot on Facebook that should never have been written and published, but that is a whole other article.

Because ChabadMatch is a private site, one can only go in with a password, and only parents (or registered singles), and shadchonim have access. It is as safe as possible. Writing a profile, one has a chance to connect to a much wider range of shadchonim than would be possible without ChabadMatch.

Here are some success stories at ChabadMatch: A shidduch was proposed to a girl’s family, but the parents had some reservation, and the shidduch did not go though. Some time later the girl’s mother saw the profile of the same boy on ChabadMatch. The qualities she was looking for were there in black on white, and she realized this is who she wanted for her daughter. The match was proposed again, and this time it went through, and they are B”H married. Sometimes everything is right but the time; when the right time comes everything falls into place.

In another case, one family lived in Australia and the other in England. The match came about, and they met in Israel. They are now married. Sometimes a shidduch would not be thought of because one may think the backgrounds are too disparate, but by looking at the profiles one can see that they are actually a perfect match, and a meeting proves it! It costs $18 to register at the site. The money goes to maintain the site, web design and to host it. Plans are in the works to fund-raise to be able to have a full-time administrator for the site.

One never knows who or even what is the designated shliach for a successful shidduch. Every step we take on the shidduch road is a step ahead. Even a failed suggestion takes us closer to finding a zivug for our son or daughter. Let us try every means at our disposal--our friends and families, our community shadchonim, conference calls, Bochrim lists or ChabadMatch. We never know which method will work for us. Best wishes to all of you out there looking for your zivug, and may we see you soon in the Mazal Tov pages