Chabadmatch

Another tool available to Lubavitchers that utilizes the very latest state of the art technology, but does so in a traditional way is ChabadMatch.com.

ChabadMatch concurrs that there is a shidduchim crisis. A lot of the webmaster’s friends were finding great difficulty in finding shidduchim, so he came up with this concept to try and help others find their spouses. The original idea grew out from the desire to get more information about potential shidduchim than the “Bochrim List” was making available.
The site creator took his idea to developers and designers, raised initial funding and built a prototype which he showed to shadchanim. With their feedback the site was tweaked to be the best that it could be. ChanadMatch is a work in progress; new improvements are added as necessary. Presently, when there are new members on the site, the shadchonim get notified. The site was also shown to Rabbonim, and it received their haskoma that it was indeed proper and okay to list names and profiles of singles in this way.

ChabadMatch started two years ago, and at this time they have about 1,950 singles registered. Since inception, 25 shidduchim came directly from using the site, and a few more happened indirectly because of seeing a profile on the site.
Just like any other tool, this database is made to be used as a springboard for your own efforts. If a promising profile is found, research has to be made; the shadchan has to be contacted, etc. Just having the profile up on the site will not bring results. New names are listed daily, so it pays to return often to the site to see if something interesting is now listed. Chabadmatch is a starting point. Use ChabadMatch to narrow down your choices. Go to the site often to see new profiles. Then follow up with the research and contacting the shadchonim, etc. Two contacts are listed for every listing. In the case where a person cannot reach either of the two contacts, one’s own shadchan or one of the shadchonim listed on the site can be asked to make the shidduch. Even the webmaster has taken a hand in helping out when necessary.

The site was created for shadchonim to have a database of singles who are looking for shidduchim. Shadchonim have access to all singles profiles, names and pictures. Feedback revealed that parents were frustrated by not being in control of the shidduch process. Waiting for a shadchan to come up with a suggestion is sometimes hard, and when the suggestions are not appropriate, a parent might well be upset and wish that there was a way they could themselves start the process.

The site empowers parents to do limited searches and offers a way to study the profiles without pictures and most without names, so they can decide if there is a profile they are interested in. They then can approach a shadchan to complete the shidduch.

The webmaster and his wife put in time keeping the site up to date and answering any queries that are sent to them. On the site now there is a ratio of about 60% girls to 40% boys. About 30 to 40% put up pictures. The administrator finds that pictures are a plus to have on one’s profile, although a shadchan can always ask for one when necessary, but it helps initially to receive that extra attention. Keep in mind that only shadchonim see the pictures; no parents see them on their searches.

The initial intake form on the site is extensive. The questions asked are insightful and make one think of what their goals and requirements are. It is a very helpful tool for shadchonim and parents as an initial parameter to see if a name is a possibility or not in the ballpark at all.

The questions on the website were thought out carefully with shadchonim so that the person describing him or herself is able to give a comprehensive profile of themselves. Naturally some will reveal more and some less. One may say this profile is even better than an interview with a shadchan because more thought goes into the writing of a profile than just describing oneself to a shadchan. When a parent or a single fills out the profile, the answers should be as complete and comprehensive as possible. Think about the impression you want people to come away with. On the site one can find all sorts of boys or girls: there are some boys who are on shlichus and plan to make a life of shlichus; there are working boys; there are girls who are on shlichus or who are working; girls who only want boys who will try to go on shlichus, or girls who are looking for both working and shlichus boys or just for working boys. There are profiles from America, Israel, South America and Europe. According to the site manager, Lubavitch has become too big, and a list of names is not enough to be helpful to a vast majority of parents who do not know who people are by family names.

The amount of information that parents can see is decided by the parent writing the profile or by the single; they can make more or less information available to parents looking at the database.
There is a choice at the end of the form where a parentor single can choose who will see their profile. The choices are:
Allow singles and parents of singles to see my profile, including my name, excluding my contact info.Allow singles and parents of singles to see part of my profile, excluding my name.
Do not allow singles or parents of singles to see any part of my profile. If you are registering your daughter and do not want anyone but a shadchan to access her profile you can choose #3 and only a registered shadchan will be able to access the information.

Why did this site succeed in having singles list their profiles while the “Bochrim List” did not? My opinion is that in 2004 when the “Bochrim List” made the attempt, people were still shying away from putting personal information on the web. But recently with the Facebook (or My Space) phenomena, this has become accepted at an alarming rate. There is a lot on Facebook that should never have been written and published, but that is a whole other article.

Because ChabadMatch is a private site, one can only go in with a password, and only parents (or registered singles), and shadchonim have access. It is as safe as possible. Writing a profile, one has a chance to connect to a much wider range of shadchonim than would be possible without ChabadMatch.

Here are some success stories at ChabadMatch: A shidduch was proposed to a girl’s family, but the parents had some reservation, and the shidduch did not go though. Some time later the girl’s mother saw the profile of the same boy on ChabadMatch. The qualities she was looking for were there in black on white, and she realized this is who she wanted for her daughter. The match was proposed again, and this time it went through, and they are B”H married. Sometimes everything is right but the time; when the right time comes everything falls into place.

In another case, one family lived in Australia and the other in England. The match came about, and they met in Israel. They are now married. Sometimes a shidduch would not be thought of because one may think the backgrounds are too disparate, but by looking at the profiles one can see that they are actually a perfect match, and a meeting proves it! It costs $18 to register at the site. The money goes to maintain the site, web design and to host it. Plans are in the works to fund-raise to be able to have a full-time administrator for the site.

One never knows who or even what is the designated shliach for a successful shidduch. Every step we take on the shidduch road is a step ahead. Even a failed suggestion takes us closer to finding a zivug for our son or daughter. Let us try every means at our disposal--our friends and families, our community shadchonim, conference calls, Bochrim lists or ChabadMatch. We never know which method will work for us. Best wishes to all of you out there looking for your zivug, and may we see you soon in the Mazal Tov pages

Lubavitchsingles

Here are two websites, that will help you with shidduchim: Lubavitchsingles.com (previously known as Bochrim list) and Chabadmatch.com.

These are new tools to be used in the old shidduchim trade, trying to use all that the modern world has discovered in a proper way, in a tzniusdicke way, to increase our chances of making the perfect shidduch for our children.

Ka”h, Lubavitch has been growing and continues to grow. Once everyone knew everyone else, or at least had a friend or relative who knew the family. Even not so long ago, when my husband was growing up in Crown Heights, everyone knew everyone else. Jewish Geography was a lot simpler then, and so were shidduchim, but things changed, and B”H, Lubavitch has grown; the original families themselves are hundreds strong, and the ones who have joined through the years multiply all the time.

To make things a bit easier, mothers or fathers would try to get lists of boys’ names to be able to jump start a shidduch search. Such lists were hard or impossible to come by. By serendipity, (read Chashgacha Protis) in 1996, a bochur in 770, with help from his friends, had access to such a list. By word of mouth the word spread, and fathers and brothers asked for copies, so did shadchonim. At the time the list was handwritten and photocopied. Boys who got engaged and were crossed off, new names would be added, all done by hand.
When the cross outs and additions became too messy, a new list would be started until it got out of hand again, and so on. Eventually with the help of computers, the list got easier to manage. Certainly deletions and additions were easier to handle, and a fresh copy could be had with a click. Progress brought the internet, and as with everything else, it was (and is) both very good and very bad. Being Lubavitchers, we try to use all we can in the right way and for the good, so the list moved to a free server host, Geocities.
This incarnation of the list appeared in 2002,, and it became a hot topic among those in the “parsha”. Imagine you don’t have to beg anyone, ask favors or bug your friends; all you need is a computer, and you can have a list of all eligible Lubavitcher boys. What a Metzia! The boys’ list was great, but what about a girls list? And is it really proper to have all these boys’ names on the web? Is it Kosher?? The creator of the list went to ask the Rov who looked at the site and how it was set up and gave it an OK.
So part of the problem was solved, but how could a boy make a girls list? Besides that, the boy’s list took enough time to maintain; shouldn't the girls do a list for themselves if they felt the need? And so it was that a girl put together the first girls list and devised a manner by which the ages of the girls could be revealed but hidden too. That is how the star system came about
For all of you not familiar with the site, the star system is: * Sem Bais/Gimmel **Sem Daled/Hey *** Sem Vov ****Sem Zayin +. This way you can figure out the age of the girl approximately without actually disclosing their age. The one who originally started the girls list could not continue taking care of it, so it fell back on the bochrim who originally started the boys list.
The site was designed very simply with an amateurish look. This had not changed from the time the list was uploaded to a website. It was done intentionally, to show that this was a homegrown idea, not a professional endeavor.
There is no cost to be mentioned in the list, and all work is done by volunteers: L’Shem Mitzvah.

So how does one use the Bochrim or Girls’ List to find a shidduch? If you are a long time Lubavitcher and know a lot of the families, just scanning the list and narrowing down the names you know may be helpful. Then you can inquire about those names and see if there is any family you know that would fit the parameters of what you are looking for. If you are not familiar with a lot of families in Chabad, then ask a friend who knows a lot of people or (for a boy) your son – if he is the right age – or a nephew, to look through the list and see if there are any names that catch his eye--if he knows them and can describe then to you. Then, if appropriate, do research and try to make the shidduch. Same thing if you are looking for a girl: ask your daughter or someone with whom you are close to look at the list for suggestions.

Having one’s name on the list, be it the boys list or the girls list, is not an instant solution to finding a shidduch. Do not wait for people to call you because they have seen your name on the list, but be proactive and look at the list for the possibilities that it can bring you. Maybe it’s that name that would never have come into your mind if you had not read it there. Go back a few times to look at the list; new names get added often.

How do names get on the list? When bochurim return from shlichus, their names are put on the list. It used to be that bochurim were put on the list later, but when it was explained a few years ago that girls are looking already at 19 and there are no younger boys listed, the decision was made to put the names of the boys who came back from shlichus on the list. The girls are put on after the first year of Sem. in Elul not earlier. The reasoning not to put them in earlier is that when the girls are listed a Sem Aleph, the previous Sem Aleph listing become Sem Beis etc. So everyone goes up a level. Naturally the girls do not want to be listed as older unless it is so, therefore the best time to move the levels in the list is in Elul at the beginning of the new term.

The girls are usually listed a year earlier than the boys. Shluchos, classmates and friends will send in names to be put on the list. Girls will send their own names sometimes, and some boys will too, although generally girls will send in names more often than boys will. If boys are ready to get married and see their name is not listed, they will send it in.

When a name is sent in, it is checked to see if it is a made up name or if the person actually exists. It has happened that totally fake names are sent in to the list. If you send in your name and you do not see it after a couple of weeks, email them again, maybe they could not verify your name. If a boy or a girl went though the Lubavitcher School system, they are most probably in the list. If they dropped out early, they would need to send in their name.

Who is on the list? Mainly English speaking bochurim and girls from North America. All those listed are single, not previously married. When someone’s engagement is listed on Shmais, that name is removed from the list. If you know of someone on the list that is already engaged or married, you should notify the list (with some backup proof of your information) so the name can be removed. The list organizer tried in 2004 to have listings with a bit of a profile and not just names; unfortunately, the ones who answered sent in inappropriate profiles, and almost no one mainstream sent in a proper profile, so the idea was dropped.

Are there really more boys than girls? According to the list manager, that is not really true. If one looks at new births, for a long time it was about 50/50. Lately, there have been a lot more boys than girls, but it all evens out in the end. So why do we perceive there is a shidduch crisis? Because there are a number of older girls and boys who have not found shidduchim, and the older they get the harder it is to find a match.
And also because now with this perception, more parents are actively involved and put more effort finding shidduchim for their children rather than taking a more laid back approach like in years past.

Many shidduchim have come about because people looked at the list. Sometimes friends or relatives were able to come up with the right name after perusing the list. There are no firm statistics, but the list has been successfully employed by the Lubavitcher Olam and should not be overlooked. The list changed address a couple of years ago because the TK extension was rejected by a lot of servers and also because problematic pop ups would pop up. Now the list is hosted at a .com address: http://lubavitchsingles.com. From there one can access both the boys’ or the girls’ list. On the index page of the boys list there are various links. One of the links is to the site “mikomos” which has possible places to go to on dates in the Tri State and a few other cities. Links are provided to some shidduchim articles, fun shiduchim sites and for the Enterprise Chabad car rental discount for that all important car. And when B"H we make a wedding there is a link to weddingshtik.tk to be mesameach the Chosson and Kallah with. The site gets numerous hits a day. If you are familiar with a lot of people or if you have a friend who is, do not hesitate to use this resource in your shidduchim search.

The Chicago Shidduchim Conference

The Chicago Shidduch Group is by far Lubavitch's most active shidduch group around.
Not only are they busy learning and networking and shaking the heavens with their peulos and halchlotos but they are determined to carry the rest of the Lubavitcher world with them.
If every city would have such dedicated ladies working on shidduchim there would not be such a thing as the much bandied "Shidduch Crisis".

This Sunday Chicago hosted the first Lubavitch Shidduch Conference. Mrs Fay Miller was the gracious hostess, who lent her house to this endeavor and had over 50 ladies Kn"h traipsing though to learn old/new ways and means to bring about more shidduchim.
After all once at a farbrengen (5711) 1951 the Rebbe poured mashke for some Tmimim and blessed them that they should find proper shidduchim. Then the Rebbe said: We speak all the time about making preparations for Moshiach. A proper shidduch and establishing a Jewish home is connected to one’s preparations for the coming of Moshiach, as the Sages say, “Ben Dovid will not come until all the souls in Guf [the supernal storehouse of souls] are finished.”
We all want Moshiach to come Now and therefore we wish to accomplish this endeavor with as much speed as possible.

A group of ladies from Detroit braved the bad weather and snow and drove into Chicago. Mrs. Tzirel Frankel came all the way from sunny California to grace us with her expertise and maybe add some more leads to her already bulging book.
Michigan, New Jersey, Ottawa, and of course, New York were represented.
Mrs. Elana Bergovoy of the Chicago group welcomed the guests and gave a short wort on the parsha.

I was honored to be able to address the audience with our Rebbe's words about shidduchim. I took the podium again in the afternoon to give some practical advice on the subject and answer questions.

Mrs Devorah Shulman from Ann Arbor, MI gave us a unique perspective on how her daughter shidduch evolved. From the first bewildering injunction from the shliach that it was time to find her daughter a shidduch until the breaking of the glass under the Chuppa. How interesting to hear that what for some almost commonplace is actually a confusing maze for others.

All present had the chance to read out profiles of young men and women. A profile is a short description of the person, age, height, personality and what it is they are looking for. No names are mentioned or other obviously identifiable characteristics. Mrs Chaya Rochel Zimmerman ably moderated and kept the ball rolling.

Rabbi Levi Bukiet, Rabbi Moshe Raitman, Mrs. Tzirel Frankel, Mrs. Chaya Sara Gurevitch and myself aired our annoyances with the shidduch process. Things like unrealistic expectations, pictures, lack of honesty in shidduch research responses and other such concerns.

The evening ended with one more session in Mrs. Leah Miller's house on the topic of Shadchonim. Mrs Tzirel Frankel led the conversation on how can shadchonim be more effective and what are the real challenges of a shadchan. It has been mentioned that unfortunately basic hakoras hatov is severely lacking on the part of the parents in this field especially as there is a lack of understanding about the amount of time involved for a good shadchan in giving a suggestion (and not just blurting a list of names).

The Halchlatos adopted by the Chicago Group were printed up for all participants to take home and remember.
These are:
* Give 18 cents a day to a Hachnossas Kallah Pushka. (one was included in the entrance package.)
* Learn what the Rebbe said about Shidduchim (Eternal Joy)
* Daven for others needing shidduchim in your city.
* Do your Hishtadlus:
*# Make a phone call regualrly for your child.
*# Help someone else with their child's shidduch
*# Help someone else prepare for a simcha.

Mrs. Frankel mentioned she suggested the following kapitlach in tehilim, specifically for shidduchim: 32, 38, 70, 71, 121, 123.

On Monday morning, before leaving, the shidduch group invited Mrs Frankel and myself for breakfast at Mrs. Bergovoy's for a review of the conference.
B"H the general consensus was that it had been a great success and hopefully many shidduchim will emerge from this event. The ladies put together a list of potential ideas to facilitate the making of shidduchim.

I will publish these ideas in a future column, at the moment I would like to discuss one idea which might be implemented shortly if Yagdil Torah can raise the funds:
It was suggested that it is difficult for parents especially when they are out of town to properly prepare their boys for the shidduch date. There are matters of Halacha and hashgofo that they should know, such as yichud or opening doors, or what subjects are appropriate on first or second dates. Also social matters such as how to apologize for tardiness and how to dress for a shidduch date etc.

Hopefully such monitoring will be made available to boys who are in the parsha of shidduchim so they should have the guidance necessary to succeed.

I hope other cities will be inspired by what Chicago has accomplished and will arrange their own groups and conferences.

And now acharon acharon choviv, let me thank the Chicago Group for a superb job, for inviting me to share in their work and a special thank you to my hostess Sarah Miller for outstanding hachnassat orchim.

Download Audio Link1
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Preparations

After a Bris, the father of the infant and the Mohel finish a Tefilah with the words: "…and raise him to Torah, Chupa and Maasim Tovim."

When do our preparations for chuppa start? When our children are infants; when we raise them with the right middos and with the right hashkofos; when we raise them with Torah and Maasim Tovim, we are also preparing them for the Chuppa.

By our example, we show our kids how husband and wife should act towards each other. We show them the respect that should exist between a husband and wife, and we show them in the daily give and take how to behave towards one another.

We cannot say: "Do as I say and not as I do." That will not work. If the father does not go to shul everyday, how can he expect his son to do so? If a mother does not show respect to her husband, how are the children supposed to?

There is a story that of a 3 year old in Israel who used to go around the house motioning with his hands as if he was putting on Tefillin and kissing his Shel Rosh and Shel Yad. People who saw it mentioned what a wonder child he is, how holy! They started bringing him Kvitlach, asking for brochos etc. Then someone went to a Godol and told him the story of this wonder child. The Godol said: "Wonder' shmonder. Tell the child's father to stop davening at home and to daven with a minyan!!"

So, if we want our children to be ready for the Chuppa, if we want to teach them how to have a happy marriage, we must show them how. We all want that our boys should grow up to be masmidim. We all want them to be the best bochrim in their Yeshivah, to be able to learn, to be able to "shtaig" etc. In Lubavitch, we want them to go on Mivtzoim, on shlichus. We want them to join in farbrengens and be more chassidish. If they see their fathers doing the best they can, davening with a minyan, setting aside time to learn, trying to fit in mivtzoim in their busy lives, they will grow up to make us more proud than we can imagine. But if we expect them to do all these things because they should, but we, ourselves, are too busy to make time for it, our message goes a bit astray.

If this has happened to you, that you said "do as I say and not as I do" and the results have been less than stellar, do not think that it is too late. If your kids are still young it is easy for you to change your ways, (do tshuva :)) and show them a different, better way. They will definitely learn much from your strength of character, that you saw a lack and remedied it.

If your children are grown, you can still change your ways, and talk to them and explain how you heard an inspiring speaker, or read a sefer or whatever, that made you realize your way was not the correct way and you wish them to follow the "new improved you" rather than the old ways.