What is wrong with singles events

Sorry for the long hiatus.Too many balls to juggle, I dropped a few:).

Conversations and articles have been cropping up in our own Chabad circles, and in other frum venues as well, on the subject of singles events. Why not put a bunch of singles together and let nature take its course.

Problem one is supervision. Will the frum organizers of these events screen each participant first to make sure they are what they represent themselves to be? At the level they are organizing the event for? Will all participants attend with the intention of earnestly trying to find a possible match, or will some just go to have a "good time" so that the person they connect to gets their hopes up for something permanent when no such thing is offered?

What about health issues? What if both families are carriers of genetic diseases and if Dor Yesharim results were checked they would not be compatible? Now that the couple has met, started a rapport, feel connected, they are told, so sorry wasted your time, you cannot be a match?! What if one side has severe issues in the family that the other side would not accept under normal circumstances? And I mean severe issues such as mental illness,abusive or controlling behavior etc. These things are usually researched by the parents or mashpiim before the couple meets, but here we go "mit die kop arop" we put the horse before the cart and let couples meet without any background checks.

Why do people think single events are the best thing since the invention of the wheel? Meeting someone and jumping into a relationship right away takes away the objectivity from that person. Now they are in a very emotional state. They cannot think clearly about the others' defects or even their qualities because they are wearing rose colored glasses, and they are blinded by their “love” which may be infatuation or whatever you may call it, but it is not true love. Take a peek at http://www.aish.com/d/w/48952241.html.

Two more points I can think of, but will discuss them next time.

Lets ask some more

• What are her hobbies?

The reason we ask this question is that hobbies give us another insight into the personality: if a person’s hobby is reading, and the other person's hobby is white water rafting, we can see immediately how different those personalities are.

We can gain insight in character by the hobbies a person has as well. For example: a person whose hobby is genealogy research has a sense of family, history and an inquisitive mind. A person who likes to travel, is able to assimilate new things and is comfortable in strange places. Someone who does photography has an eye for detail and so on.

Sometimes a hobby is something we wish we could do full time if we did not have to eat.

• Does she say ChiTas? Does she daven every day, etc?

Find questions that will tell you the level the girl is at. Asking if she is Chassidish these days means so many different things to so many people that one really has to be specific. This applies to boys and girls.

If Davening every day is important to you, then ask. If going to shul every Shabbos is the level you are aiming for, then ask about it. To ask how frum a person is a very subjective question, but asking a specific thing that is important to you gives you an insight.

• Does she have a lot of friends? Is she dedicated to her friends?

Neither a no nor a yes answer is negative. This just amplifies your previous question of how sociable she is. Most people have a lot of acquaintances but a limited amount of close friends. Asking this question might reveal that this girl always tries to help out her friends, or she is the one everyone goes to for advice, or she is the one to go shopping with. This will give you further insight in her character.

• Does she have a sense of humor?

Humor in life is a necessity not a luxury. If one can laugh at oneself and take oneself less seriously, it defuses a lot of little incidents that could become big. One can minimize problems by seeing the humor in them. We are not talking of a letz, a joker that finds everything a reason for mockery. That is not a good trait. We are discussing someone who has a positive reaction to a negative situation.

A person with a good sense of humor is easier to live with than someone who is serious and intense.

• Does she have common sense?

It is hard to have this question answered truthfully. Most people will say yes without giving it a thought. According to the dictionary common sense is good practical understanding, sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence. Also from the dictionary: “Common sense is not so common.”

Maybe a better question would be: is she a practical person. Does she simplify tasks, does she easily visualize solutions. Of course these questions show a lot more than common sense.

It is worth repeating that one should have specific questions that target qualities that are important to our son or daughter. We want to know weather our child can live with this person so we ask those questions which will bring to light possible conflicts or confirm positive points. We will never figure out the entire person just from research, it is useless to try.

• Is she a morning or a night person?

It is easier if both partners are the same. This way one is not drooping when the other is getting into gear, but this is definitely not a deal breaker.

Is she a half glass full or empty kind of person?

Optimism, like humor is a great quality to have, and again it is only important to the extent that it will effect her partner.

• What do you consider her best quality? (subjective question) What is the one thing that comes to mind when one mentions her name?

Try to have the person limit the answer to one quality only. Do not accept a wishy-washy answer. "She is a great girl", is too general.

• What do you consider her worst defect? (subjective question)

You are not expecting a major chissaron to be revealed here. Someone may say, she is often late, or she is absentminded, or she talks too much on the phone, etc. Those are all acceptable, but if someone cannot come up with even one minor drawback, then I would ask some more questions and call some more people. Everyone has some failing and if they cannot think of a minor one to tell you maybe there is a major one they cannot get out of their mind. On the other hand, they really do not know the person that well and cannot think of one.

Please do a thorough research but not an obsessive one.

More ???

• Does she have an even temperament.

Give examples of what you mean- (subjective question).

Is she moody, one minute having a smiling disposition and the next upset or angry. Often moodiness may be a warning sign of other more serious problems.

• Does she have a temper?

This one can be combines with the previous question although they are not really the same. Temper was discussed at length in a previous article regarding boys’ questions. Not only boys have tempers. Girls can have them too. Find out how she acts when angered. Does she sulk, hold grudges? Does she retreat into offended dignity for ages? Does it quickly blown over, etc.?

A woman's anger is generally less intimidating than a man’s; therefore often, one does not consider this an important point, but it is good to know if a girl is prone to outbursts or is generally even-tempered.

Think of how your son's temperament is and direct the question as counterpoint. If your son has a very long fuse and does not anger easily, then someone who is more volatile may be ok, but if he has a short fuse and so does she, it might lead to too many sparks.

• Question: Is she neat, organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question).

Some boys must have neatness around them in order to feel relaxed or even to be able to think calmly. Others can function in the middle of a tornado. Some people are very organized in their thoughts; therefore, the chaos around them does not affect them as much, but for people whose thought processes are not so organized, having neatness and a seder around is essential. If you, the mother, are very conscientious in your cleaning and would not dream to leave a dish in the sink before going to bed no matter how tired you are, find out if that is a quality your son values or if he barely notices. If the wife of such a boy is more concerned with having a warm house (warmkeit in yiddish not warm as in heat) than a spotless house, will this engender discord among the couple?

• Question: Is she careful with tznius?

It is a sad fact that we as a community are not as careful with tznius as we once were. Because we work closely with people in all stages of kiruv, we are anesthetized against seeing something problematic in tznius. We accept that people will go around without stockings in the summer, or wear skirts that are short with slits or barely cover the knees and collars that are a little too open, and so on and so forth.

This is also due to our openness to the world at large: we are bombarded by ads and magazines and goyishe ideals that have nothing to do with our ideal of beauty or modesty.

It is also a question of education. For whatever reason, if one mentions the word tznius in conversation, it is taboo just like religion and politics; it is bound to raise animosity and resistance.

In reality, tznius is a beautiful thing. It is a well of self confidence that women and girls have that enables us to dress in a pleasant and pleasing way and still retain our dignity, our regal worth. It allows us to feel well-dressed and au-currant without running after every twitch and twist of the fashion world. It enables us to be appreciated for who we are and not for what we wear.

So to get back to our question, we have a lot of different levels in our neighborhood, and I have come across the fact that an eminently suitable girl will be rejected because her hems are too high or she does not wear stockings. The decision to look more fashionable so that she attracts the right attention, or some would say to be more comfortable, is preventing a great girl from making a good shidduch. We are letting our standards slip, and it is not beneficial in any way.

So, if your son is concerned that his wife wear the right length and be stricter with her tznius, this question should be asked. And it should be asked also when your son does not have a personal opinion at this point, but you do not wish your daughter-in-law to sit across from you at your table dressed in an unsuitable manner. This encompasses a whole other topic of course, and I know a lot of people will be riled up (did I not write it is like talking politics where no one can agree?), but I find it incomprehensible how young couples can so blatantly insult parents in their own home.

• Question: Is she fashion-conscious, obsessed?

All we want to know is if she is obsessed by fashion and must always try the latest styles or does she dress stylishly but have other areas of interest besides the latest color in vogue. I knew someone who was very difficult to talk to because her world revolved around clothes and fashion.

For the right boy such a girl is eminently suitable. Her kids will always be dressed to the nines and her house will be a showplace.

• Is the family a close knit family?

This question matters to some people and is totally irrelevant to others. Sometimes your family loves the match suggested but may have some issues with a close relative. In such a case, you might want to know in advance how close the family is. It should not make a difference to the shidduch if other more important things are fine, but it is good to know.

Another reason for the question is, for example, if your family is very tight and always spend Yomim Tovim together, this answer gives you a heads up to how much you will have to share. If both families are close you will have to juggle visits and reunions. When only one side is close knit it might be difficult for the other to understand why s/he is always on the phone with their family, or is always visiting and so on.

• Is she sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. (subjective question)

This question might have gotten an answer when you asked about temperament. If not, it is an essential question as you should know if the girl is introverted or very outgoing (to mention two extremes). Don’t match a very social and outgoing person with a homebody who would rather stay home with a sefer than go out and visit. It will not really draw out the shy partner. It will make it a point of contention between the two if one is always wishing to go out and the other wants to spend the evening relaxing at home. If one side is a little more friendly and gregarious than the other, the one will draw the other one out some. As long as they are not at the polar opposites they will influence their partner a bit, but when the differences are too far apart then they will only get on each others nerves. Naturally, there are always exceptions, but before you think you are one of those exceptions, consider well.

Wrap up

One last comment on the boys before going on:
It has become more and more common for some boys to go to the army (Israeli for the most part) for 18 months or more. Some of these boys may have been distancing themselves from frumkeit, some felt this was a must before they entered the next stage of life and the responsibilities. Do not refuse to look into these boys. Just because they went to the army does not mean they are not frum. Many of them learn with chavrusas, go to minyan, do Chitas and do not touch their beards. Some plan to go to Kollel after they marry, some even on shlichus.
So keep in mind that there are outstanding and middling boys who are learning and outstanding and middling boys who are working, and among those there are outstanding and middling boys that went to the army. Do not take things for granted, investigate, the only caveat being: do not be obsessive just diligent.

A word on Timimg

If I am given a name and someone else suggests another, should I look at both or wait and finish with the first one before going on?

It will depend on how you were given the names. For example the first name offered was just a “he is a boy and she is a girl” kind of suggestion, where the one suggesting does not know the qualities and characters of the two. The second name proposed came from a shadchon (professional or otherwise, friend or family member) who actually gave thought to the compatibility of the couple.

In such circumstances, it would pay to follow up on the second name first, even if one already started looking at the first suggestion. If on the other hand, both names suggested are based on compatibility or both names are just names, then one would finish with the first name suggested before going on to the second one.

Nothing is really a rule so if you would like to research the second name because it sounds better, or it has been given to you by someone closer to you than the other one, go ahead, nothing will be ruined by it.

What if you are already started doing research but a very good prospect is offered?
How much research have you done? was the other side also doing research? If you have just started your research and the other side was not told anything and the name you were just offered is really attractive (and I am not talking about looks) then look at the second and if it does not work out go back to the first. But if the other side was already notified and is doing research as well you will have to finish with the first name before starting with the new suggestion.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Checkmate!

I hope you have all checked out the two website I have written about. Leave no stone unturned, as they say. Try every method available (according to Daas Torah), in order to find the match for your single. Even try the much reviled shadchonim :D .

Before continuing let me backtrack a moment. It is hard to initiate conversation with your son, daughter about the subject of shidduchim. It is difficult to find the right moment when there are no distraction and when your son or daughter is willing to sit and talk on the subject. In fact I was asked just that question, how do you tie down your chossen bocher or kallah maidel to talk about this very important subject? How about making an appointment with your son and daughter? Set a time and a place and state in clear terms that just like any other appointment, this one too should be honored and not dismissed because something more interesting has come up.

Here is an idea to make that conversation go more smoothly:

“Admits mistakes?” What am I looking for a malach or a husband?!
This is one of the comments I heard while playing a game called “Checkmate”.
I first heard of this game in an article forwarded to me by the ever-alert and multi-talented CHJCC receptionist Penina Metal. It purported to help in the choice of the right middos needed in a prospective mate. Naturally, the game caught my attention.

It is a fact that so many parents and future Chassanim and Kallos look for the externals such as money and looks; therefore, anything that would focus a person on the search for middos was welcome.
I read the article, but although intriguing, it did not give me as clear a picture as I had hoped, so I called the innovative author of the game herself, Rebbetzin Chaya Ginzberg, (“Road Signs for Success”), a lecturer, and a high school and seminary teacher.

During our conversation, I discovered that this game is much more than just a “shiduchim game”. It lends itself to almost any interpersonal relationship. Friends, single and married ladies, parents and children, or married couples can play the game and gain some insight.
What is more, the game has its origins right here in Crown Heights!

Rebbetzin Ginzberg explained that she is good friends with our own inimitable Mrs. Miryam Swerdlov. At a convention some time ago, Mrs Swerdlov played a game a lot of our Crown Heights residents are familiar with: it is called “The Game of Priorities”. Mrs. Swerdlov has played this game with girls in camp, with ladies at conventions and retreats, and at workshops. Everyone who played had a great time and came away with a better knowledge of what is really essential in their lives.

Is Yiras Shomayim more important than live-in-help? If you had to choose only one, what would it be? Is satisfaction at work less or more important than being a good example to your children?

This is a game that makes you think about what is truly important in your life and makes you more appreciative of what you do have. The enjoyment aspect of the game is just an added bonus.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg with Mrs.Swerlov’s permission adapted this game to focus more on middos alone, rather than general necessities such as owning a luxury car, paying dental bills, or having a well-paying job for your husband, and she marketed it for the public. She felt it was a way to give hashkafa in an easy and enjoyable way. I believe she succeeded. This particular version of the game is made to be marketed to the world at large, and therefore, it is relatively “parev”.

There are 56 cards in the deck. Most are middos. Some are personality traits, and some are inclinations. The object of the game is to hold on to 7 cards. Depending on the question asked at the beginning of the game, those cards could describe the qualities you are looking for in a future spouse, the qualities you wish to develop in your children, or the qualities you see in your husband, etc.

I am not familiar with card games as I never considered playing cards to be much of a Jewish activity, but I am certainly hooked on this game. Seven cards are distributed to the players. One desk is fine for 2 to 6 players. If you play with a large group, play with multiple decks.
The deck is put in the middle, face down, and each player takes a card and then discards one. When a player discards an unwanted card, it lays face up next to the deck. If the next player wants that card, they can take it, or they can take one from the deck. At the end of the game everyone is left with 7 cards.

In Mrs Swerdlov’s game one discards before one picks. Here the instructions say you pick before you discard. I have come to the conclusion that it is a more effective game if you are forced to choose what you discard before you pick the next card. After all, it is like life--you do not always know what is coming, but you know what you have on hand. Ultimately, it’s your choice. The rules are not written in stone. Play according to what in your opinion is the most effective way.

I played with my son who is now B:H engaged, and our goal was to see how close I was to his priority list of a future Kallah.
Many of the cards in the game may encompass others in their meaning, or they may be close enough to mean the same thing. For example, there are cards such as “Kind”, Giving”, or “Generous Spirit”. If one is giving, one will most probably be kind and will have a generous spirit; therefore, only one of these cards should be retained, and the others may be discarded. Some cards are definitely middos such as “Honest”, “Fair”, “Content”, and “Sincere”. Some are derivative, character traits like “Good Manners” or “Sense of Humor”, etc. Some are inclinations such as “Musically Inclined”. One card I am not sure what category to place in. (I am sure you will know which one I mean if you see the deck!). I am pleased to report that we were both on the same page; what he was looking for is what I thought he was looking for! :)

Play to discover your own strengths and good qualities--who you are and what do you have to offer to a future spouse. Then play again to see what you are looking in a spouse and compare the two results. Do they match? Is what you offer compatible with what you are looking for? Are the qualities you are looking for compatible one with the other? Are you choosing “Drives” and “Ambition” in a “Sensitive”, “Calm” person? If you are ambitious and have drive, you are not generally calm and sensitive.

What you discard is also important. As the play goes around, your discards may be the other person’s essential requirements. Examining the reasons behind your discards will make you verbalize your feelings and make you understand better your choices. It is even better to play with a mashpia or a parent or facilitator. (Maybe shadchonim should play with you at your interview!) Defending, or to use a less confrontational verb, discussing your choices is almost an integral part of the game. During the game and after the game, you can discuss your choices and do so in the calm and happy atmosphere engendered by the game.
In fact, it may be great as a starting point for a heart-to-heart discussion with your parents or friends (what I like and appreciate in my friends), with your siblings, (what I admire about you), or with your husband.
When playing, keep in mind that many words may be unfamiliar to your fellow players and maybe to yourself. Words such as “analytical” may have to be explained. Some words may have an unimportant meaning to the other players. A word such as “sensitive”, for example, would need to be explained. How important it is that a husband is sensitive to a wife’s needs or a wife to a husband’s?
Many mistake the word "Drive" to mean driving a car. That is not what the card reppresents rather it is more : to strive vigorously toward a goal or objective; to work, play, or try wholeheartedly and with determination.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg told me that the game was even played on a date. A couple went out numerous times, but he was not a great communicator, so she was not sure about saying yes. They played the game, and she found out so many positive points about the boy that they got engaged. Now, don’t all of you carry a game with you when you go out! The game was a final push or confirmation in this case, and this is how it should be. Do not rely on a game to tell you who to marry.

The game is available at most Seforim stores in Crown Heights, Flatbush or Boro Park.

Lubavitchsingles

Here are two websites, that will help you with shidduchim: Lubavitchsingles.com (previously known as Bochrim list) and Chabadmatch.com.

These are new tools to be used in the old shidduchim trade, trying to use all that the modern world has discovered in a proper way, in a tzniusdicke way, to increase our chances of making the perfect shidduch for our children.

Ka”h, Lubavitch has been growing and continues to grow. Once everyone knew everyone else, or at least had a friend or relative who knew the family. Even not so long ago, when my husband was growing up in Crown Heights, everyone knew everyone else. Jewish Geography was a lot simpler then, and so were shidduchim, but things changed, and B”H, Lubavitch has grown; the original families themselves are hundreds strong, and the ones who have joined through the years multiply all the time.

To make things a bit easier, mothers or fathers would try to get lists of boys’ names to be able to jump start a shidduch search. Such lists were hard or impossible to come by. By serendipity, (read Chashgacha Protis) in 1996, a bochur in 770, with help from his friends, had access to such a list. By word of mouth the word spread, and fathers and brothers asked for copies, so did shadchonim. At the time the list was handwritten and photocopied. Boys who got engaged and were crossed off, new names would be added, all done by hand.
When the cross outs and additions became too messy, a new list would be started until it got out of hand again, and so on. Eventually with the help of computers, the list got easier to manage. Certainly deletions and additions were easier to handle, and a fresh copy could be had with a click. Progress brought the internet, and as with everything else, it was (and is) both very good and very bad. Being Lubavitchers, we try to use all we can in the right way and for the good, so the list moved to a free server host, Geocities.
This incarnation of the list appeared in 2002,, and it became a hot topic among those in the “parsha”. Imagine you don’t have to beg anyone, ask favors or bug your friends; all you need is a computer, and you can have a list of all eligible Lubavitcher boys. What a Metzia! The boys’ list was great, but what about a girls list? And is it really proper to have all these boys’ names on the web? Is it Kosher?? The creator of the list went to ask the Rov who looked at the site and how it was set up and gave it an OK.
So part of the problem was solved, but how could a boy make a girls list? Besides that, the boy’s list took enough time to maintain; shouldn't the girls do a list for themselves if they felt the need? And so it was that a girl put together the first girls list and devised a manner by which the ages of the girls could be revealed but hidden too. That is how the star system came about
For all of you not familiar with the site, the star system is: * Sem Bais/Gimmel **Sem Daled/Hey *** Sem Vov ****Sem Zayin +. This way you can figure out the age of the girl approximately without actually disclosing their age. The one who originally started the girls list could not continue taking care of it, so it fell back on the bochrim who originally started the boys list.
The site was designed very simply with an amateurish look. This had not changed from the time the list was uploaded to a website. It was done intentionally, to show that this was a homegrown idea, not a professional endeavor.
There is no cost to be mentioned in the list, and all work is done by volunteers: L’Shem Mitzvah.

So how does one use the Bochrim or Girls’ List to find a shidduch? If you are a long time Lubavitcher and know a lot of the families, just scanning the list and narrowing down the names you know may be helpful. Then you can inquire about those names and see if there is any family you know that would fit the parameters of what you are looking for. If you are not familiar with a lot of families in Chabad, then ask a friend who knows a lot of people or (for a boy) your son – if he is the right age – or a nephew, to look through the list and see if there are any names that catch his eye--if he knows them and can describe then to you. Then, if appropriate, do research and try to make the shidduch. Same thing if you are looking for a girl: ask your daughter or someone with whom you are close to look at the list for suggestions.

Having one’s name on the list, be it the boys list or the girls list, is not an instant solution to finding a shidduch. Do not wait for people to call you because they have seen your name on the list, but be proactive and look at the list for the possibilities that it can bring you. Maybe it’s that name that would never have come into your mind if you had not read it there. Go back a few times to look at the list; new names get added often.

How do names get on the list? When bochurim return from shlichus, their names are put on the list. It used to be that bochurim were put on the list later, but when it was explained a few years ago that girls are looking already at 19 and there are no younger boys listed, the decision was made to put the names of the boys who came back from shlichus on the list. The girls are put on after the first year of Sem. in Elul not earlier. The reasoning not to put them in earlier is that when the girls are listed a Sem Aleph, the previous Sem Aleph listing become Sem Beis etc. So everyone goes up a level. Naturally the girls do not want to be listed as older unless it is so, therefore the best time to move the levels in the list is in Elul at the beginning of the new term.

The girls are usually listed a year earlier than the boys. Shluchos, classmates and friends will send in names to be put on the list. Girls will send their own names sometimes, and some boys will too, although generally girls will send in names more often than boys will. If boys are ready to get married and see their name is not listed, they will send it in.

When a name is sent in, it is checked to see if it is a made up name or if the person actually exists. It has happened that totally fake names are sent in to the list. If you send in your name and you do not see it after a couple of weeks, email them again, maybe they could not verify your name. If a boy or a girl went though the Lubavitcher School system, they are most probably in the list. If they dropped out early, they would need to send in their name.

Who is on the list? Mainly English speaking bochurim and girls from North America. All those listed are single, not previously married. When someone’s engagement is listed on Shmais, that name is removed from the list. If you know of someone on the list that is already engaged or married, you should notify the list (with some backup proof of your information) so the name can be removed. The list organizer tried in 2004 to have listings with a bit of a profile and not just names; unfortunately, the ones who answered sent in inappropriate profiles, and almost no one mainstream sent in a proper profile, so the idea was dropped.

Are there really more boys than girls? According to the list manager, that is not really true. If one looks at new births, for a long time it was about 50/50. Lately, there have been a lot more boys than girls, but it all evens out in the end. So why do we perceive there is a shidduch crisis? Because there are a number of older girls and boys who have not found shidduchim, and the older they get the harder it is to find a match.
And also because now with this perception, more parents are actively involved and put more effort finding shidduchim for their children rather than taking a more laid back approach like in years past.

Many shidduchim have come about because people looked at the list. Sometimes friends or relatives were able to come up with the right name after perusing the list. There are no firm statistics, but the list has been successfully employed by the Lubavitcher Olam and should not be overlooked. The list changed address a couple of years ago because the TK extension was rejected by a lot of servers and also because problematic pop ups would pop up. Now the list is hosted at a .com address: http://lubavitchsingles.com. From there one can access both the boys’ or the girls’ list. On the index page of the boys list there are various links. One of the links is to the site “mikomos” which has possible places to go to on dates in the Tri State and a few other cities. Links are provided to some shidduchim articles, fun shiduchim sites and for the Enterprise Chabad car rental discount for that all important car. And when B"H we make a wedding there is a link to weddingshtik.tk to be mesameach the Chosson and Kallah with. The site gets numerous hits a day. If you are familiar with a lot of people or if you have a friend who is, do not hesitate to use this resource in your shidduchim search.

Internet in Shidduchim

These days many parents and young men and ladies, are turning to the internet to help with shidduchim. It is good for us parents to know and internalize the fact that there are many ways to start a shidduch, besides waiting for a shadchan to supply a name.

The vast majority of shidduchim are suggested by family and friends. In fact in these two weeks we have had 3 family lechayims and all of them were made by family.

Sometimes a professional shadchan is involved in bringing these suggestions to completion and sometimes not. Often a shadchan may know when it is beneficial to encourage both parties to pursue a shidduch that is stalling, or to advise on and work out minor hiches or gliches that may prevent a shidduch from concluding favorably. Do not "cut your face to spite your nose" as the saying goes. Even if a shadchan did not suggest the name it is still beneficial to use his/her services to insure all does go smoothly. When the person who suggested the name is willing and capable to carry through the shidduch then by all means continue on.

Lying

Why is it that discussing the names that are brought up is so prevalent among our young people?

Because they have heard that when parents do research, very often they will only be told part of the truth and often, they will be told lies.

In contrast their network of friends usually knows things that parents do not find out. Therefore they say it is part of research to discuss the names suggested with their friends just as it is part of research for parents and mashpiim to call relatives and friends for information. Not only is it part of reserch but it is often a more accurate research!

What can one answer to such claim? It is true that parents often are told lies, or the truth is concealed. And not only from parents who are researching names but also from Shadchonim who are trying to make a shidduch!

This is a prime example of "a wrong that begets a worng" (averah goreres averah) because of the lies (Lifnei Ever) told when people do research, our son or daughter will talk with his/her friends (Loshen Hora) in order to get at the truth.

We must break this cycle. Tell the shadchan the truth when presenting your son or daughter, student or friend. Tell the truth, when a parent calls for information. If you are not sure if something should be said, as explained previously, give an excuse, call a Rav and then call back the person asking for the information.

Is this a heter for young people to discuss names brought up for shidduchim or even their shidduch dates? Of course not! We must teach each and everyone of our children not to discuss this no matter what the reason. But we would make it easier to stop this practice if we were truthful ourselves, when we give information.

The Tongue III - Giving information

The third situation is that of a person called for information.

This person must be careful to be honest and careful not to speak Loshen Hora. To this end when calling for information tell the person that you are calling to ask information for a shidduch.

Do not ask:"What can you tell me about so and so?"
A person asked for information should only answer specific questions rather than giving a narrative. They should be asked direct questions and not vague general questions. First of all, one gets better information with direct questions, but also, a person asked a direct question can answer to the point.
Naturally the person giving the information should give first person information. If what one is saying is only hearsay one must say so. Specify that what s/he is saying came to him/her second hand. Certainly one should limit oneself to facts and not hearsay.

Even when dealing in facts, what is told has to be with the intent of giving the best information so that the person who is asking will get a full picture of the one asked about. The information should be given for the benefit of the party requesting the information with no thoughts of finally being able to give over a piece of gossip or taking revenge on someone chv"s.

It is generally difficult to give subjective information. For example, if someone asks whether a girl is pretty or slim. What is pretty for one may be comely for another (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder), and where one feels only a size 6 will do, another will be happy with a size 12.

Giving a size may be deceptive because of body types. Sometimes the size 12 may look like a 10, and the 10 may look like the 12. Just to sidetrack a moment in regard to sizes, most boys have no idea what a size 4 or 10 looks like, they think in terms of people, i.e. is she like my sister.

The only way to give good information when a subjective question is asked is to know the person one is talking to, and know what meaning s/he is imbuing the question with. This is not always possible. The same is true when asking for information. If one is close to the person who is giving the information, they will know what kind of “measuring scale” they use. If they say someone is smart, we will know what level of smart this person is telling us about because we know their opinion of who is smart and who is not.
If we do not know the person well, then how can we know what they mean by “smart” or by “outgoing” or “neat” etc.
A person may be a “neat freak”, and anyone less orderly is considered “messy”. Or a person may be above average intelligent and consider someone who is just average not very smart. It is almost like talking a different language.
You are using the same sounds, but the meaning is very different. One could say it is like the English language; one may say “night” and the other understands “Knight”.

Many times we are called to answer subjective questions from people whom we have never met. Sometimes we may feel that if our answer is interpreted the wrong way, it may ruin a shidduch. In such a case a safe answer is “I do not know.” Another method is to interrupt the conversation with an excuse and call a Rav. Then call the person back.

The Tongue is mightier than the Sword.

Loshen Hora.

This is one topic that is very relevant to shidduchim.

It is a very complicated topic that is difficult to cover because there are a few diverging opinions about what one can say and what one cannot when talking about shidduchim.
Some Rabbonim will be more stringent and some will be makel.
The following are just basic guidelines, and are here to give you an idea of what are the issues, but every question should be referred to your Rov. There are a lot more issues than are covered here and every case has to be decided according to the circumstances.
Halacha differentiates between 3 conditions:

The first condition is when a shidduch is first suggested.

At such a time the person suggesting the shidduch should be careful about “Lifnei Eiver Lo Sitein Michshol” “Do not place a stumbling block before a blind person” Which applied in this case means one should not suggest a shidduch that would not meet the needs of both parties involved. It has become very common these days to hear of shadchonim or friends just naming names to a parent as possible shiduchim without really taking the time to discover if there is real reason to pursue such a union or not. No individualized thought goes into it. The parent is told: here look into Plony, Almony, Tom, Dick and Harry. Are any of these compatible? Are these families appropriate? The person suggesting the names does not know, they just throw out a bunch of names. Suggesting a shidduch to a possible family without checking if there is compatibility, or if the shidduch satisfies the needs of both parties, is not allowed. The parties will waste time researching a shidduch which should not have been initiated to begin with, and gives false hope to the young people involved who will be disappointed at the falling apart of a possibility.

One should not refrain from suggesting shidduchim because of this halacha. One does not even have to investigate the parties thoroughly first before suggesting a shidduch. One does have to have some knowledge of the parties involved and be fairly sure that based on that knowledge this is a viable shidduch, and it has a good chance of succeeding. One should be reasonably certain that the parties do not have characteristics which are objectionable to the other party or that one party is lacking a non negotiable quality sought after by the other party.

This restriction has two main points:
The first is wasting the time of the parents and young people involved.
The second restriction concerns information: sometimes when we suggest a shidduch there is some information that may be held back for the sake of making the shidduch. One cannot decide by oneself when one may conceal information and when one has to disclose it. There are different kinds of information given by Chazal, “major deficiencies” or minor problems. A Rov must be consulted to make sure the case warrants keeping the information hidden altogether or at least for the beginning so that the shidduch has a chance of succeeding.
Even this deception though has to be revealed before the parties see each other enough to have developed feelings for each other.

Bitochon continued

In Parshas B'Shalach on the first posuk (Shemos 13:17): "When Pharaoh sent away the people, Hashem did not lead them by way of the land of the Plishtim, because it was near (Ki Korov Hu). For Hashem said, 'Perhaps the people will reconsider when they see a war and will return to Egypt.’"

Rashi translates the word 'hu' as a reference to the land of the Plishtim and the word 'karov' as a reference to geographical distance, telling us in essence that it would have been too easy to go back to Mitzrayim.

The Daas Zekeinim m'Baalei haTosfos translate the words Ki Karov Hu in a completely different way. The word 'hu' refers to the nation, and the word 'karov' means relative as in 'family member'. The Daas Zekeinim is saying that Hashem did not lead Klal Yisroel through the "Plishtim Highway", which was the preferred route, because of his closer and "familial" relationship with the Yidden.

Sometimes HKB"H treats his children in a manner that seems inexplicable to us. The reason for this is 'ki karov hu' because He has a special relationship with us. The Aibishter has a different plan for His children. Rav Simcha Ziesel Broide, head of the Chevron Yeshiva, expands on this: Many times we feel our life has taken a detour; we are traveling in a circuitous route.

This may be because "Ki Karov Hu" Hashem is leading us on a different path because He is close to us and has different plans for us. (Taken from a lecture by Rav Yissachar Frand.)

If the shidduch which we are so anxiously awaiting for does not materialize, and things are not working the way we think they should, it is because HKB"H has plans for us, which we cannot understand, but which ultimately are for our benefit. We must have bitochon and continue in our efforts both in gashmius and ruchnius, because certainly the way we are being led is the best way for us.

What we forget at times because of this age's emphasis on "are we having fun?" or "are you happy?" that our happiness is not always an important thing. Which means, that maybe we are not happy or having fun because we do not realize the good in what we have or what we go through.
We all know the story of Reb Zusha of Anipoli who was asked by the Maggid of Mezritch students, how one could bless the Aibishter sincerely for the bad as well as for the good. Although he himself lea a very poor and hard existence he answered them to go find someone for whom things were not good, because he himself could not answer that question. (see the Crown Heights Community Newspaper for 11/23/09 forthis and other stories with Reb Zusha of Anipoli)
Naturally, all this is true if we do not sabotage our own efforts by looking for impossible things or rejecting shiduchim out of hand.

Bitochon

Shidduchim time where you really must have bitachon that you will have Siyata d'Shemaya, and your child will find their basherte.

In Eternal Joy* (vol1) the Rebbe says:
“I wish to reemphasize that which you yourself write - that the most important matter of all is finding a shidduch.
You write that your feeling is that you are not finding any fitting proposals regarding a shidduch.
My hope, however, is that when you will have the proper approach to the suggestions you receive, then G-d will provide you with the shidduch that is most appropriate for you both materially and spiritually.
One must always remember that there exists nothing in the world that is absolutely perfect. The same holds true with regard to human beings; there is no person who possesses all possible good qualities. Thus, it is pointless to wait [or expect] to find such a "dream" individual.
Since no person possesses all possible good qualities, it follows that the same is true regarding oneself - surely the person himself or herself is not perfect as well. However, [regardless of our own imperfections,] when it comes to looking at ourselves, we do so with a "good eye."
This should [also] be taken into consideration when looking upon another. [One should view the other person as well with a good eye, and] be ready to overlook and let pass [imperfect and deficient qualities]. Hopefully, with the passage of time, these imperfections - real or imagined - shall pass or straighten themselves out.
With this approach, it will be much easier to attain a shidduch - the choice becomes much greater and your entire attitude with regard to a shidduch will be a much happier and more positive.
I would also like to add that it is nigh impossible to truly assess and measure how these two individuals will be after they marry each other, inasmuch as marriage makes specific and marked changes in the two individuals who marry.
Thus, it is only up to a certain degree that we have free choice in the matter, while with regard to the rest we have to rely on G-d that He will lead the married couple in the path of joy, contentedness and goodness.
We verily observe that people do in fact act in this manner - [placing their ultimate fate in G-d's hands] and go on to live happy and successful lives until "120 years."
The same is true with regard to yourself - it is impossible to calculate with one hundred percent accuracy how each suggestion that is made to you will work out in the future, subsequent to getting married.
We must rely on G-d, [realizing] that if He is capable of properly conducting such a gigantic world, He surely is able to conduct the microcosmic world of each individual person that it be good for him or her materially as well as spiritually.
I hope that you will read this letter once and again and ponder the matters that I have written here.

My main purpose in this letter, however, is to try to see to it that from now on you change your approach to a shidduch - do not approach it with the disposition and bias that the shidduch is not for you; nonetheless, it is still necessary to make the requisite inquiries.

Rather, you should approach it in an entirely opposite manner - that G-d will surely provide you with a shidduch that is good for you, and quite possibly this may be the shidduch suggestion that is currently being presented to you. Consequently, it is very important to inquire and know the various details regarding the shidduch suggestion.
I wish for you that in the near future you will find a shidduch that is appropriate for you both in a material as well as a spiritual sense, and that you erect an edifice in Israel on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos. " (Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 103)

*Eternal Joy is printed by Sichos in English and is available online at
www. Sichosinenglish.org

Ask a Friend. Ask your Family. Ask Everyone!

When you are ready to begin your search, it is important to tell everyone you know that you are looking for a shidduch for your Son/Daughter. Many shidduchim come about from friends' or family recommendations.
In fact the majority of successful shidduchim are made by family.
It is not always the professional shadchan who is matzliach or who is your shliach. If you have friends or family who are not Lubavitch, ask them anyway. Just point out that you are looking for a Lubavitcher boy.
It is not enough to tell people once that you are looking for a shidduch for your child. Sometimes, it is necessary to remind them that you still have not found someone.
The reverse is true as well. Once you have found a match, make sure to inform the shadchonim and friends who have looked for you that your child is engaged. Do not assume that they will hear on their own. Your relatives and close friends will probably hear, but others may not, and they will be expending time and effort on your behalf for no reason.
Mazal does play an important part in the search. You and your child can help it along doing your hishtadlus, which can be davening, helping someone else with a shidduch, giving tzedoka etc. It is appropriate to discuss with your mashpia what is considered suitable Hishtadlus.
Look at the article on the Chicago conference for some examples of hishtadlus mothers are presently doing.
As we said at the very beginning, it is important to realize, especially in shidduchim, that HKB"H is the one who "fiert der veldt", rules the world. He is your partner in this endeavor, and therefore, do not despair if everything does not fall into place right away. Sometimes because the future spouse is still learning, not ready, or for any number of reasons, unavailable at this time, one has to wait for the other.
We do not know how long this process can take. A mother once told me she was despairing of finding a match for her daughter as nothing seemed to come of all the names that had been offered. Two years later a name came up, and the shidduch was accomplished in a very short time. The future Chosson had just returned home from yeshiva and was now ready to get married. She told me if she had only known that she had to wait two years, she would have gladly waited instead of worried.
We cannot know if we have to wait 2 years or 2 months. What we do know is if we are diligent, if we ask everyone we know and make ourselves into worthy Keylim to receive the brocha, when the time is right, everything will fall into place.
Marrying our children is like having them. By the time the 9th month comes around we are more than ready to have this baby, but we do not know exactly when it will happen. It could be right away or it could be late. The labor could pass in a blink or be protracted. That we accept as a matter of course, although we all daven for a fast and easy labor. So why should we not accept the same for the parsha of shidduchim? Some will happen in a blink and others we will have to work hard for. Some will come shortly after we started looking and others will be long delayed.
Let us accept that the only thing we control in this instance is how much we daven and how much effort we put in it.

Marriages are made in Heaven II

Why is it that when it comes to the Parsha of Shidduchim everyone is so fearful?
It is not just the children, but also the parents and the Shadchonim who agree this is a difficult period.
Why is it perceived to be so hard by everyone?

True, it is a decision that will affect our children's whole life and we do not want to make mistakes. On the other hand, there are other decisions we make as we raise our children, that will also affect their whole lives, and we do not universally agonize over those decisions as much as on this one.

Decisions such as finding the right Yeshiva, Mesivta, Zal, Shlichus or Seminary should also be deliberated carefully and at length. The right Seminary or Beis Medrash can give the right hashkafa, the right impetus to our children for the rest of their lives. If we send our child to the wrong place and they do not gain anything that year or Chas V'sholom because of our decision they actually get labeled as troublemakers or lazy or what have you. Should we just decide on the basis of what their friends or our friends are doing? Should this not also be a well-thought- out decision and therefore fraught with anxiety?

It is my opinion that we erroneously believe that we have control over the decisions we make in life. We think we have control over our parnosso, over where we live, over all kind of decisions we make daily. We think that we make a good living because we work hard, or we are talented, or other such reasons, but in reality, it all comes from Hakadosh Baruch Hu. How much we will make in a year is decided on Yom Kippur, how healthy we will be, how successful etc., etc., all of it comes directly from Hashem.

We do not live in the Midbar anymore, but we should really feel like the Yidden did then. Sustenance comes to us day by day directly from Hashem. So do all the others pieces that make up our lives. Somehow, although we know this, it is relegated to the back of our minds; it is not something we acknowledge daily, or at any time things go our way.

In the Parsha of Beshalach, Moshe tells B'nei Yisroel to take just one portion of Mohn per house member. Some take more, some take less, but when they come home and measure, each one only has one portion per household member. It is not necessary to work oneself to the bone, never take vacations, never be home for your kids. The portion allotted to you is still going to be the same. A person must do his or her job conscientiously, but to be a workaholic plays no purpose.

When it comes to Shiduchim, though, we all have to acknowledge that we have no control whatsoever over the situation. We know that all we can do is our Hishtadlus. We must daven, we must do all we can to bring about a favorable outcome, but ultimately, it is not in our control. It is entirely up to the Eibishter. In this one respect we all recognize, maybe even if only subconsciously, that we are not in control. Boy! Is that scary! No wonder everyone takes looking for a shidduch particularly seriously.

We should realize that it is not up to us to choose the sheliach that will make the right match for our S/D (Son/Daughter). If we were not successful with our visits to the shadchonim, if they could not, or they would not help us, we should not blame them. If we expend our time and energy complaining that the shadchonim did not do their jobs, were not efficient, or caring enough, we will not have the time and energy to look elsewhere. Maybe the shadchonim we went to were not the right shluchim for us.

Arranging shidduchim is one of Hashem's main preoccupations since the creation of the world. Let us all have bitachon that Hashem's guidance through Hashgacha Pratis will lead us in the right direction. He has done so with every other aspect of our lives! Even though it might be taking a bit longer than we expected, if we do our part, it will happen at the right time, Im Yirza Hashem.

It is propitious for the prospective Chosson or Kallah to daven for themselves and for their friends to have Siyata D'Shemaya in the Parsha of shiduchim. HKB"H wants us to daven, and sometimes things may not happen until we put our hearts into our Tefilos.