Non-Traditional methods

Until now the focus of these articles has been on the traditional way to find a match, a regular shidduch through a shadchan, professional or otherwise. It is becoming more common and even accepted to go though some non-traditional paths to find a shidduch as well. I will try to explore some of them.

Many articles on shidduchim bemoan the fact that shadchonim do not make the cut anymore. They are not flexible enough or not thorough enough or not involved enough.

- As an aside let me make a few comments:
1. The job of a real shadchan is very difficult, they spend time interviewing or talking to bochurim and young ladies, they make hundreds of phone calls many times without results, they put a lot of effort into an often thankless endeavor.
2. There are some shadchonim who request a payment before looking for a shidduch. If you know that these shadchonim interview prospective "clients" and try to properly match singles, (not just throw a list of names at you) then they are not being outrageous by asking some remuneration for all the time they put in on your behalf even if at the end the shidduch does not come from them. One always has the choice of not using them, but to criticize them for taking money for their time and effort is not the right thing to do.
3. Do not throw up your hands and complain about shadchonim and how they are the reason there is such a difficulty finding matches. I wrote it before and I will keep repeating it: most shidduchim come from family and friends so forget the shadchonim if you are so upset at them, but if you are smart just use it as another tool in your arsenal and don't make an issue of it.
Disclaimer: I am not a shadchan, I will counsel, try to give advice as on this blog, and I speak to groups all over the world on the subject.

I am sure you all have heard all kinds of reasons why the traditional way is not the way to go, and we are not discussing shiduchim made by friends.
Actually the traditional way is the best and ultimately the only method, but there are many who do not agree, so let us see how we can minimize problems in other methods.
Please so not consider that any of the following are what a Chassidishe bocher or Kallah meidel may try, but there are many degrees and levels of people and maybe someone who reads this is not going to try the previously discussed ways.

A way could be to try to meet girls at frum single events or shabatons, at shabbos tables or weddings etc. This means taking matters initially in one’s own hands, but it is a good idea to consequently follow up with a request to a parent or shadchan to make inquiries and find out about the person one is interested in and be an intermediary.

There are pitfalls in this method, not least of Tznius, but as long as parents or other married adults are involved from the beginning, matters may turn out well. A lot of couples who are now in their 50's and older have met in this way, and many propose that there is nothing wrong in this method because it had worked with them, or their parents, or grand-parents, etc.
What we forget maybe, is that the world was a lot bigger then. Which means that generally people met others of like mindset and upbringing, similar backgrounds etc. People were also a lot more moral and the mainstream did not have to worry about a lot of the problems we have today. Many actions were unthinkable, which these days are accepted. So we live in a much more dangerous society (to our way of life, not specifically security wise) than the society older generations lived in.

To be continued.

Wrap up

One last comment on the boys before going on:
It has become more and more common for some boys to go to the army (Israeli for the most part) for 18 months or more. Some of these boys may have been distancing themselves from frumkeit, some felt this was a must before they entered the next stage of life and the responsibilities. Do not refuse to look into these boys. Just because they went to the army does not mean they are not frum. Many of them learn with chavrusas, go to minyan, do Chitas and do not touch their beards. Some plan to go to Kollel after they marry, some even on shlichus.
So keep in mind that there are outstanding and middling boys who are learning and outstanding and middling boys who are working, and among those there are outstanding and middling boys that went to the army. Do not take things for granted, investigate, the only caveat being: do not be obsessive just diligent.

Introduction to research

The next topic I will tackle is research. I know it is a topic that is important to many, and that is why I want to preface it with some important points.

Research is very important in a shidduch. In fact it is essential. But like all things it has to be done in the right way. Too little research and you will not get the important information you need, too much research and no one will be good enough.

The timing of research is also important: before the boy and girl meet, do all the research you can. Check references, call your friends, call anyone you want. Once you have decided that it is a good match and they start going out, one should really be sure that this is the right one. One can still make calls especially in the beginning of going out, (such as the first 2, 3 dates) when it is believed that this is a possible yes and there are some new doubts, or information to clarify. But it should be self understood that the bulk of the research has already been done.

After the couple is engaged, there should be no more research calls made. If someone specifically calls with information, one can listen and one can verify that information but do not actively continue to dig. At this point the couple is engaged and feelings are involved. Even in Lubavitch where we do not do Eirusin and we only do Tenoyim just before the chuppa, breaking an engagement is a weighty thing.

Therefore do research before they meet, clear up your doubts if necessary after they have met, but once they are engaged, do not continue doing research. After all if we have bitachon that the Eibishter is our partner in the shidduch then we have to leave it up to Him that this is the right person for our child, or that He will arange matters for the good.

There was a cute? sad? commentary on research on the web, that detailed how we would not even consider the Avos or Imaot, or even Moshe Rabeinu as in laws, if we were doing the research these days, so let us not be obsessive and if we are too close to the matter and not sure if we have done enough research we should ask our mashpia or rav for advice.

Let us keep things in prospective and not need to know when was s/he was toilet trained and we do not need to speak to their elementary teachers.

Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

The Tongue Conclusion

Even when asking a teacher, principal or Rav subjective research questions, one should be careful to be on the same page. Which means you understand his "measuring scale" so that when s/he answers a question,"s/he is very chassidish" you know just what level of "chassidish" s/he means, and if not refine your question and ask clarification.

A Rov or principal who deals with such evaluations often will be able to give a proper answer. A regular person should not be asked such subjective questions.

A caveat: If one is asking a teacher or a Rov that taught the boy or girl in high school, (or even more who taught him in elementary) a number of years have passed, and what the growing the boy or girl has done in the intervening years may have literally made a different person out of them. What we hear may not be applicable anymore. The subject of our question may have matured beyond recognition, and what we hear would not apply anymore. So try to get information from people that know the subject now and not years earlier. SAme applies when giving manes for references, give people who know your bocher or maidel now and not 5 years ago.

Let us keep in mind as well that the period between High School and looking for a shidduch is a period of major change in a person’s life. So if the information you are hearing is from a numbers of years back, keep an open mind.

This also applies if the person is out of seminary 3 or more years. Information from a Seminary teacher may only reflect part of the personality of the person at this time. After all we all work on ourselves to improve.

Regarding objective questions of dubious value such as, “Did the boy/girl get straight A’s on their report card? One can simply say I do not know, because such a question has no relation to the present situation or to the character of the person.

I have heard of a lot of questions of no value being asked, such as if the family uses color or white tablecloths for Shabbos, uses plastic on the table, or if they scrape or stack the dishes. Not to excuse these questions, because they do not have real merit, but a possible explanation as to how they came about is this: “Traditional” families would use white tablecloths on Shabbos and Yom Tov. More "modern" ones might have used colored ones. Maybe, a mother felt that asking about the tablecloth would tell her the level of "tradition" in the family without having to ask outright. Similarly, when asking whether someone scrapes the plates or stacks them. It is more polite to take away the plates without either stacking or scraping. The next level is to stack the plates and take them to the kitchen. The third option is to scrape the plates at the table which is not polite at all. So again, a mother might have wanted to know how “well mannered” the family is with such a question. I cannot say whether these questions ever had a place in gathering information in a more genteel past. They do not seem relevant nowadays.

There is a difficult situation when someone knows of a condition that the other party was not told of, such as a physical or mental condition or previous marital status or the like. If one knows of a shidduch where such information has been withheld and s/he knows the information is true first hand (or if second hand the information has been verified), then s/he should definitely ask a Rov if they should tell the interested party of this condition. Not every condition has to be disclosed at the beginning when the families are doing research, and although some have to be disclosed before they meet, still others do not have to be disclosed until the engagement or at all. Only a Rov can distinguish which conditions should be revealed and which not.

Even in the case a Rov considers the information must be revealed, the information may only be relayed when

1. the condition is serious,
   
2. one is not exaggerating the condition,
   
3. and there is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.

Before going ahead, though, it is advisable to ask a Rov whether this piece of information falls into this category and whether it is permissible to offer the information even when one was not asked.

The first step in such a case is, of course, to contact the first party and convince them to share the information with the other party. This way the information will come directly from the person in question. Try to convince the person you are talking to, that it will be much better if they themselves raise the issue rather than having the information come to the other family from a third party, such as yourself. If there is a possibility that the information will be ignored or if the person in possession of this information has ulterior motives for disclosing this information, then s/he is not allowed to disclose this information.

Because of many other issues one should never take upon oneself to make such a decision on one’s own but should always consult with a Rav.

The Tongue III - Giving information

The third situation is that of a person called for information.

This person must be careful to be honest and careful not to speak Loshen Hora. To this end when calling for information tell the person that you are calling to ask information for a shidduch.

Do not ask:"What can you tell me about so and so?"
A person asked for information should only answer specific questions rather than giving a narrative. They should be asked direct questions and not vague general questions. First of all, one gets better information with direct questions, but also, a person asked a direct question can answer to the point.
Naturally the person giving the information should give first person information. If what one is saying is only hearsay one must say so. Specify that what s/he is saying came to him/her second hand. Certainly one should limit oneself to facts and not hearsay.

Even when dealing in facts, what is told has to be with the intent of giving the best information so that the person who is asking will get a full picture of the one asked about. The information should be given for the benefit of the party requesting the information with no thoughts of finally being able to give over a piece of gossip or taking revenge on someone chv"s.

It is generally difficult to give subjective information. For example, if someone asks whether a girl is pretty or slim. What is pretty for one may be comely for another (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder), and where one feels only a size 6 will do, another will be happy with a size 12.

Giving a size may be deceptive because of body types. Sometimes the size 12 may look like a 10, and the 10 may look like the 12. Just to sidetrack a moment in regard to sizes, most boys have no idea what a size 4 or 10 looks like, they think in terms of people, i.e. is she like my sister.

The only way to give good information when a subjective question is asked is to know the person one is talking to, and know what meaning s/he is imbuing the question with. This is not always possible. The same is true when asking for information. If one is close to the person who is giving the information, they will know what kind of “measuring scale” they use. If they say someone is smart, we will know what level of smart this person is telling us about because we know their opinion of who is smart and who is not.
If we do not know the person well, then how can we know what they mean by “smart” or by “outgoing” or “neat” etc.
A person may be a “neat freak”, and anyone less orderly is considered “messy”. Or a person may be above average intelligent and consider someone who is just average not very smart. It is almost like talking a different language.
You are using the same sounds, but the meaning is very different. One could say it is like the English language; one may say “night” and the other understands “Knight”.

Many times we are called to answer subjective questions from people whom we have never met. Sometimes we may feel that if our answer is interpreted the wrong way, it may ruin a shidduch. In such a case a safe answer is “I do not know.” Another method is to interrupt the conversation with an excuse and call a Rav. Then call the person back.

The Tongue II

The second situation is the case of a person who did not initiate the shidduch but has been asked for advice on whether the shidduch should be looked into.
This person has a greater responsibility than the first who suggested the shidduch because the first was only giving a possible suggestion but the second person is called on specifically for a definitive opinion which may make or break the shidduch.
The person called for advice must be careful not to encourage or discourage a match with someone he has no real knowledge of.
If all this person knows is hearsay, they should not express an opinion because what they heard may be totally false. If they do not know the person this should be stated.

An adviser may be sought by a family that has had a shidduch suggested by someone they do not know well. They are unsure whether they should follow up with this suggestion, or maybe it has no merit and may be ignored. The adviser should deal only in facts. Feelings are not what is required at this point. The adviser should look at the shidduch suggestion and express an opinion only based on facts. If the adviser thinks personally that they would never have suggested such a shidduch, that has no bearing on the situation. Their advice has to be based on concrete reasons, on real concerns based on personally known facts and not on second or third hand information. Although the adviser's first loyalty goes to the person asking their advice, they are certainly forbidden to discourage a shidduch unless they have firsthand knowledge of the matter that could cause problems, and it is proven that this matter should be of concern and is not just a mistaken impression.
If one is not sure of the answer to give, it is certainly proper to tell the person calling that it is not a convenient time and ask to be called back later. In the meantime call a Rov and ask his advice on how to approach this situation.

The Tongue is mightier than the Sword.

Loshen Hora.

This is one topic that is very relevant to shidduchim.

It is a very complicated topic that is difficult to cover because there are a few diverging opinions about what one can say and what one cannot when talking about shidduchim.
Some Rabbonim will be more stringent and some will be makel.
The following are just basic guidelines, and are here to give you an idea of what are the issues, but every question should be referred to your Rov. There are a lot more issues than are covered here and every case has to be decided according to the circumstances.
Halacha differentiates between 3 conditions:

The first condition is when a shidduch is first suggested.

At such a time the person suggesting the shidduch should be careful about “Lifnei Eiver Lo Sitein Michshol” “Do not place a stumbling block before a blind person” Which applied in this case means one should not suggest a shidduch that would not meet the needs of both parties involved. It has become very common these days to hear of shadchonim or friends just naming names to a parent as possible shiduchim without really taking the time to discover if there is real reason to pursue such a union or not. No individualized thought goes into it. The parent is told: here look into Plony, Almony, Tom, Dick and Harry. Are any of these compatible? Are these families appropriate? The person suggesting the names does not know, they just throw out a bunch of names. Suggesting a shidduch to a possible family without checking if there is compatibility, or if the shidduch satisfies the needs of both parties, is not allowed. The parties will waste time researching a shidduch which should not have been initiated to begin with, and gives false hope to the young people involved who will be disappointed at the falling apart of a possibility.

One should not refrain from suggesting shidduchim because of this halacha. One does not even have to investigate the parties thoroughly first before suggesting a shidduch. One does have to have some knowledge of the parties involved and be fairly sure that based on that knowledge this is a viable shidduch, and it has a good chance of succeeding. One should be reasonably certain that the parties do not have characteristics which are objectionable to the other party or that one party is lacking a non negotiable quality sought after by the other party.

This restriction has two main points:
The first is wasting the time of the parents and young people involved.
The second restriction concerns information: sometimes when we suggest a shidduch there is some information that may be held back for the sake of making the shidduch. One cannot decide by oneself when one may conceal information and when one has to disclose it. There are different kinds of information given by Chazal, “major deficiencies” or minor problems. A Rov must be consulted to make sure the case warrants keeping the information hidden altogether or at least for the beginning so that the shidduch has a chance of succeeding.
Even this deception though has to be revealed before the parties see each other enough to have developed feelings for each other.

The Chicago Shidduchim Conference

The Chicago Shidduch Group is by far Lubavitch's most active shidduch group around.
Not only are they busy learning and networking and shaking the heavens with their peulos and halchlotos but they are determined to carry the rest of the Lubavitcher world with them.
If every city would have such dedicated ladies working on shidduchim there would not be such a thing as the much bandied "Shidduch Crisis".

This Sunday Chicago hosted the first Lubavitch Shidduch Conference. Mrs Fay Miller was the gracious hostess, who lent her house to this endeavor and had over 50 ladies Kn"h traipsing though to learn old/new ways and means to bring about more shidduchim.
After all once at a farbrengen (5711) 1951 the Rebbe poured mashke for some Tmimim and blessed them that they should find proper shidduchim. Then the Rebbe said: We speak all the time about making preparations for Moshiach. A proper shidduch and establishing a Jewish home is connected to one’s preparations for the coming of Moshiach, as the Sages say, “Ben Dovid will not come until all the souls in Guf [the supernal storehouse of souls] are finished.”
We all want Moshiach to come Now and therefore we wish to accomplish this endeavor with as much speed as possible.

A group of ladies from Detroit braved the bad weather and snow and drove into Chicago. Mrs. Tzirel Frankel came all the way from sunny California to grace us with her expertise and maybe add some more leads to her already bulging book.
Michigan, New Jersey, Ottawa, and of course, New York were represented.
Mrs. Elana Bergovoy of the Chicago group welcomed the guests and gave a short wort on the parsha.

I was honored to be able to address the audience with our Rebbe's words about shidduchim. I took the podium again in the afternoon to give some practical advice on the subject and answer questions.

Mrs Devorah Shulman from Ann Arbor, MI gave us a unique perspective on how her daughter shidduch evolved. From the first bewildering injunction from the shliach that it was time to find her daughter a shidduch until the breaking of the glass under the Chuppa. How interesting to hear that what for some almost commonplace is actually a confusing maze for others.

All present had the chance to read out profiles of young men and women. A profile is a short description of the person, age, height, personality and what it is they are looking for. No names are mentioned or other obviously identifiable characteristics. Mrs Chaya Rochel Zimmerman ably moderated and kept the ball rolling.

Rabbi Levi Bukiet, Rabbi Moshe Raitman, Mrs. Tzirel Frankel, Mrs. Chaya Sara Gurevitch and myself aired our annoyances with the shidduch process. Things like unrealistic expectations, pictures, lack of honesty in shidduch research responses and other such concerns.

The evening ended with one more session in Mrs. Leah Miller's house on the topic of Shadchonim. Mrs Tzirel Frankel led the conversation on how can shadchonim be more effective and what are the real challenges of a shadchan. It has been mentioned that unfortunately basic hakoras hatov is severely lacking on the part of the parents in this field especially as there is a lack of understanding about the amount of time involved for a good shadchan in giving a suggestion (and not just blurting a list of names).

The Halchlatos adopted by the Chicago Group were printed up for all participants to take home and remember.
These are:
* Give 18 cents a day to a Hachnossas Kallah Pushka. (one was included in the entrance package.)
* Learn what the Rebbe said about Shidduchim (Eternal Joy)
* Daven for others needing shidduchim in your city.
* Do your Hishtadlus:
*# Make a phone call regualrly for your child.
*# Help someone else with their child's shidduch
*# Help someone else prepare for a simcha.

Mrs. Frankel mentioned she suggested the following kapitlach in tehilim, specifically for shidduchim: 32, 38, 70, 71, 121, 123.

On Monday morning, before leaving, the shidduch group invited Mrs Frankel and myself for breakfast at Mrs. Bergovoy's for a review of the conference.
B"H the general consensus was that it had been a great success and hopefully many shidduchim will emerge from this event. The ladies put together a list of potential ideas to facilitate the making of shidduchim.

I will publish these ideas in a future column, at the moment I would like to discuss one idea which might be implemented shortly if Yagdil Torah can raise the funds:
It was suggested that it is difficult for parents especially when they are out of town to properly prepare their boys for the shidduch date. There are matters of Halacha and hashgofo that they should know, such as yichud or opening doors, or what subjects are appropriate on first or second dates. Also social matters such as how to apologize for tardiness and how to dress for a shidduch date etc.

Hopefully such monitoring will be made available to boys who are in the parsha of shidduchim so they should have the guidance necessary to succeed.

I hope other cities will be inspired by what Chicago has accomplished and will arrange their own groups and conferences.

And now acharon acharon choviv, let me thank the Chicago Group for a superb job, for inviting me to share in their work and a special thank you to my hostess Sarah Miller for outstanding hachnassat orchim.

Download Audio Link1
Download Audio Link2 -

Our requirements or our children requirements

For the past few weeks I have been writing about making a list. It might sound obsessive, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to start a shidduch search after having narrowed down and isolated the non-negotiable character traits that our children cannot live without.

First of all with the list, our children have provided us with clear black and white directions on what is necessary for them to build a Beis Neeman B'Yisroel. As explained earlier at length, we as parents were fully involved in the list-making, so we're now on the same page as our kids.

This list will help us tell the shadchonim, our family members, our friends, and our entire network precisely what we are looking for.

It may be compared to going to a trade show where there are hundreds of vendors. Some vendors we must see; some we will pass by if we have time, and others we can skip altogether. We only have 6 hours at the show, so our time is precious. We look at the catalog of the show and plot our way, listing all the vendors we must visit in their order of importance. Subsequently, we list the ones we would like to see if we have time. Now with our plan, we will accomplish the most we can in the time we have.

Similarly, we do not want to go aimlessly looking for a "good" boy or girl. We want to be specific, and we want the search to be as quickly and as easily accomplished as Hashgocha protis lets us do it. Therefore, yes, it is a painstaking job, and it will take quite some time. It may be acrimonious at times until we all agree on the goals we are all working for, but it is absolutely and unequivocally necessary to do this at the beginning. Furthermore, when our child will go out on their first date, they will have a frame of reference to see how close the date came to what they really are looking for.
How many of those indispensable character traits were matched?
What additional pleasing traits did they find?
Which trait can be compromised on?
The list becomes a signpost to our destination, and anyone who has driven in a strange city where the streets are not well marked, knows exactly how helpful clear directions are.

A caveat to us parents at this point. We wish the best for our children, and often they will pleasantly surprise us with what they can accomplish or with what direction they want to take.

The shidduch is theirs; the life is theirs, and the Bais they will build is theirs. I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating, the list has to be of their requirements, not of ours. The character traits have to match our children characters and goals, not ours. If the list we have arrived at reflects more our wishes than theirs, we have wasted our time and theirs.

I have spoken to mothers who when asked what they were looking for in a shidduch for their child would say “What I am looking for or my son/daughter is looking for?” Is that a question?

Of course what you child is looking for, you are married already! Let us have parents-child communication! Let us hope this was built into the parent-child relationship from when they were little, because at this point in time it is essential. Know what you child wants, direct and advise them, but what they want is foremost.

I personally know of a case where the parents on both sides liked each other so well that they did not even look at how compatible their children were. The important thing was to be mechutonim. I do not have to tell you how that marriage turned out.

Are we realistic?

Other challenges will exist if one is looking for a working bochur. There are challenges for someone working just as there are for someone on shlichus.

If he is going into his family business, that is a sure thing. If he does not have such a possibility, what skills does he have? Is the career he envisions possible. If he wants to be a lawyer but his English is nonexistent (correct spelling and good vocabulary) then he will have a steeper learning curve. Is she ready to help him out?

Is a working boy ready to make a commitment to learning even if only once a week? Is this important to her? Is he well-matched for the work he wishes to do? Does he have the temperament for it? To use the previous example, if he is not comfortable with public speaking how will he present a case? If he is in college or will go to college, will he be able to support the family until he gets his degree? If he wants to start his own business, does she understand the extra hours he will have to invest in the endeavor? Some girls think in the back of their minds that if they get a working bochur they will be able to lead a (relatively) easy life, they will have a steady income and able to set up their houses as they wish without skimping etc. They may not grasp that until established in the profession or job of their choice, their husband will not bring home as much as they may think.

Their expectation of lifestyle should be discussed. We as parents have to prepare our children for the financial responsibilities they will find in married life.

Again, when saying one wants a working boy, there are a lot of levels. Let our children be specific with their needs.

In the case of older singles, the girls may have a better position and a better salary than the boy they are looking at. He may have remained in yeshiva or helped out in shlichus all this time and not started a career. The girls have to take into consideration that these boys will not be as “sophisticated” and worldly as the ones they meet in the business world. They are certainly no less worthy, they have to be valued for what they are.

When your child describes their ideal match, have them look at themselves realistically, and have them ask themselves, "Would such a person want to marry me?"

An illustrative story was told to me by a shadchea from “Saw you at Sinai”. He had matched two people he thought had compatible backgrounds and goals. She was not too tall and a bit heavy and he was not tall and a bit heavy. She sent him an email, insulted that he had suggested such a shidduch, she wanted a tall skinny fellow, not a short heavy guy! So he answered her “If people were to judge you the way you the way you judge others you would not have a fighting chance.” Naturally she complained and he was reprimanded, and he truly should have been more diplomatic, but the point made is real – would a tall and thin guy look at her?

No matter that we say over and over look at middos and not appearances but we must be reasonable in appearances too. The person has to appeal and not put off the prospective partner.

Shadchonim

Unlike our grandparents who married within their own or their relatives acquaintances, and marrying the girl next door was common, today the world has become much bigger, and also much smaller.

A Lubavitcher from one city and a Lubavitcher from another city certainly have a lot in common, but tastes, experiences, goals and dreams are far apart. Just the fact that a boy and a girl are Lubavitch, it does not make them compatible. The fact that two people come from the same neighborhood, does not make them compatible.

No matter where their geographical location, if their goals are similar, if the direction they want to take in life matches, if they think along similar pathways and can talk to each other without having to explain what they mean, that means they are compatible.
When the qualities of one enhance and merge with the qualities of the other, that is compatible.

That is why I find it ineffective when a shadchan just gives a parent a list of names. What use is it? Even if a parent knows the families, which gives him an advantage because he has an idea of background, but each child in a family is an individual and his or her goals might be opposite of what our child is looking for.

Once, the shadchan knew who they were offering, either personally or through research. Some shadchonim do that today, spend time interviewing and making phone calls and when they suggest someone it has been thought out. That is why one should appreciate such a shadchan. They spent numerous hours trying to make the best shidduch they can. Naturally the suggestion does not always work out. Just because two people look good on paper does not make them mesh in person. When one pays a shadchan for a shidduch one does not only show hakoras hatov for suggesting a match for a child but also acknowledges the hours of effort that the shadchan put in on our behalf.

Resting on our bitochon

The "preferred" age for marriage has fluctuated depending on external political factors. Generations ago people in Europe married before or in their 20's, then came the war and people got married (or remarried) in their 30's and 40's. Then the age of marriage came down to a "normal" 18-22. There were always some girls and boys who did not find their besherte until they were older. Today it seems like there are so many more older boys and girls still unmatched. All are great kids. Why are they not married yet?

There are a lot of complaints about shadchonim: there are not enough, they only care about certain families, they do not do enough, they do not call back and other typical gripes. Whatever our perception of shadchonim is, should not really be an impediment to finding the right shidduch for your S/D. Sure, a shadchan that takes you from the first moment until the kinyan and beyond, would be great. On the other hand, how many things in this life are handed to us on a platter?

When we look for a job or an apartment, we exert ourselves, go to interviews, talk to everyone we meet, and, in general, leave no stone unturned. If we put our energies and minds to the task of shidduchim as we do with other tasks, the chances of success, with or without a shadchan, will be very good.

After all, do we not say in the 12 Pesukin: If someone says, 'Yagati ve lo matzati, al ta'amin' 'I have searched, and I have not found," don't believe him. (If someone says, "I have not worked hard and I have succeeded," don't believe him. If someone says, "I have worked hard, and I have been successful," believe him! (Moed, Megilla, 6b)): Here it bears repeating that we must do our best and put our best efforts forward without forgetting that our "partner ", the Aibishter, is really doing the lion share of the work and when He deems that it is the right time it will happen.

In my personal experience, only one out of three shiduchim (so far), went through a professional shadchan. Family and close friends were the shliach HKB"H sent for the other two. Our family, friends and neighbors are de facto shadchonim. Let us not wring our hands and say that there are no professional shadchonim who can help us. Let us not complain ad infinitum that most shadchonim these days give us only names and do not really try to match up personalities. In a world that wants everything to be easy and instant (and throwaway) shidduchim are a rude wake up call. Suddently it take effort to accomplish our goal! Why is this surprising to us yidden? Isn't yiddishkeit a training in effort? Do we not put effort in davening, yirat shamayim, keeping mitzvos, doing mivtzoim, learning, teaching etc.? Or do we just coast and do things by rote.

I heard and explanation about the very oft quoted Gemorah "kashe zivugo shel odom kekrias yamsuf" (which some explain to refer only to Zivug sheini). The speaker (I forgot who it was) mentioned that just like the Yamsuf did not split until the Yidden cried for it to happen and Nachshom ben Aminodov actually went into the waters up to his neck (Sota 37b; Shemos Rabba 21:10), the same way a shidduch needs our comlete immersion (pun intended). The yidden were apprehensive about entering the Yamsuf and Nachshon had enough bitochon to go into the waters. We are all apprehensive about entering the sea of shidduchim, but we must have enough bitochon to do our hishtadlus and rely that HKB"H will bring about a shidduch. Krias Yamsuf happened just before dawn. The same way when one is looking for a shidduch it feels like s/he is in darkness and there is no relief, that is when our davening is the most heartfelt and sincere, and that brings about Hashem's yeshua.

Furthermore, the sea split 12 ways one for each shevet, just as each shevet had their own derech so does each person. Each one should find their own hishtadlus and their own individual path that will bring them to find their zivug.

Shidduchim is a challenge that needs our full effort, and our bitochon. We must believe that Hakodosh Boruch Hu will send us the right shliach and the right zivug for our children. But we also need to do our part. Knowing that it is "beshert" that hashgacha protis will bring us the right match, no matter if from next door or another continent does not mean we wait for it like "manna from heaven". We must search and ask and research, and accept defeat, and sometimes insult. And then it will happen, in a blink, the right one will come along, the research will be uncomplicated, things we thought so important become irrelevant, and we stand with a bright smile accepting congratulations!

What you will see in the following chapters is common sense practical advice. It may be something that makes you exclaim: "duh" (to use current slang), but even if it is obvious to you it may be news to someone else. Bear with me.

Marriages are made in Heaven II

Why is it that when it comes to the Parsha of Shidduchim everyone is so fearful?
It is not just the children, but also the parents and the Shadchonim who agree this is a difficult period.
Why is it perceived to be so hard by everyone?

True, it is a decision that will affect our children's whole life and we do not want to make mistakes. On the other hand, there are other decisions we make as we raise our children, that will also affect their whole lives, and we do not universally agonize over those decisions as much as on this one.

Decisions such as finding the right Yeshiva, Mesivta, Zal, Shlichus or Seminary should also be deliberated carefully and at length. The right Seminary or Beis Medrash can give the right hashkafa, the right impetus to our children for the rest of their lives. If we send our child to the wrong place and they do not gain anything that year or Chas V'sholom because of our decision they actually get labeled as troublemakers or lazy or what have you. Should we just decide on the basis of what their friends or our friends are doing? Should this not also be a well-thought- out decision and therefore fraught with anxiety?

It is my opinion that we erroneously believe that we have control over the decisions we make in life. We think we have control over our parnosso, over where we live, over all kind of decisions we make daily. We think that we make a good living because we work hard, or we are talented, or other such reasons, but in reality, it all comes from Hakadosh Baruch Hu. How much we will make in a year is decided on Yom Kippur, how healthy we will be, how successful etc., etc., all of it comes directly from Hashem.

We do not live in the Midbar anymore, but we should really feel like the Yidden did then. Sustenance comes to us day by day directly from Hashem. So do all the others pieces that make up our lives. Somehow, although we know this, it is relegated to the back of our minds; it is not something we acknowledge daily, or at any time things go our way.

In the Parsha of Beshalach, Moshe tells B'nei Yisroel to take just one portion of Mohn per house member. Some take more, some take less, but when they come home and measure, each one only has one portion per household member. It is not necessary to work oneself to the bone, never take vacations, never be home for your kids. The portion allotted to you is still going to be the same. A person must do his or her job conscientiously, but to be a workaholic plays no purpose.

When it comes to Shiduchim, though, we all have to acknowledge that we have no control whatsoever over the situation. We know that all we can do is our Hishtadlus. We must daven, we must do all we can to bring about a favorable outcome, but ultimately, it is not in our control. It is entirely up to the Eibishter. In this one respect we all recognize, maybe even if only subconsciously, that we are not in control. Boy! Is that scary! No wonder everyone takes looking for a shidduch particularly seriously.

We should realize that it is not up to us to choose the sheliach that will make the right match for our S/D (Son/Daughter). If we were not successful with our visits to the shadchonim, if they could not, or they would not help us, we should not blame them. If we expend our time and energy complaining that the shadchonim did not do their jobs, were not efficient, or caring enough, we will not have the time and energy to look elsewhere. Maybe the shadchonim we went to were not the right shluchim for us.

Arranging shidduchim is one of Hashem's main preoccupations since the creation of the world. Let us all have bitachon that Hashem's guidance through Hashgacha Pratis will lead us in the right direction. He has done so with every other aspect of our lives! Even though it might be taking a bit longer than we expected, if we do our part, it will happen at the right time, Im Yirza Hashem.

It is propitious for the prospective Chosson or Kallah to daven for themselves and for their friends to have Siyata D'Shemaya in the Parsha of shiduchim. HKB"H wants us to daven, and sometimes things may not happen until we put our hearts into our Tefilos.