Non Traditional Methods Cont'd

It is not as unusual as it once was to let "Mame Liebe" do the job. Which means when a couple meets and "falls in LOVE".

In the best situation once the couple has been dating for a while and they want to marry, they will approach the parents and lay the situation out for them. Or the parents may find out on their own about the couple.

Although the reaction of a parent when faced with such a request might resemble something somewhat closer to fireworks than flowers, parents should consider that the children did come to them eventually, and want to do this in the proper manner after all. No matter what let us consider that like everything else this is also definitely Hashgacha Protis. Hashem does bring about shidduchim in a lot of different ways, and due to the level this couple was in this was the way it had to work out.

The worse scenario is when the parents find out that their child is just happy dating and has no thought of marriage!

But let us look at the more positive way: either the kids tell the parents they wish to get married and need their help with the wedding, or the parents find out on their own and confront their kids. Either way the parents should take a deep breath and count to ten before even thinking about the situation. Do not, absolutely do not, say the first thing that comes to mind. You are closing the door before it is even open.

By coming to you, the couple is acknowledging that they cannot do this alone and hopefully they are willing to listen to your advice. You have to realize that rehashing past behavior at this point is counterproductive. You have been put in a spot you do not wish to be in, but have no choice about. As they are so fond to say in this country, when you are given lemons, make lemonade. Maybe this is a good thing for your child, and if you manage this correctly, only good will come from it.

Consider the situation from this point forward. Do the research into the boy or girl as you would do in a normal case. If for no other reason, do it at least for your own peace of mind. Share your research with your child. If what you find is negative, explain your concerns to your child, calmly and logically. You may be able to influence him or her to your way of thinking, or you may give yourself more time, and anything may happen with time. An infatuation may be replaced by another interest, or they may fall out of “love” just as they fell into it.

The one most important thing to remember is to keep the dialogue open with your child. Even if one of the parents cannot be rational or logical in this situation, the other has to stay in touch and maintain an open channel.

When you show your displeasure to your child, make sure he/she understands that it is the circumstances and his/her choices that you are displeased about, but that you still love him or her. It is the action you hate and not the child. A benefit of keeping an open channel with your child is that they may listen to your advice on how to build a Bayis Neemon. They may be willing to accept a slightly more stringent lifestyle than they would otherwise because you were logical and persuasive about the necessity of keeping certain mitzvos and boundaries.

Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Bitochon continued

In Parshas B'Shalach on the first posuk (Shemos 13:17): "When Pharaoh sent away the people, Hashem did not lead them by way of the land of the Plishtim, because it was near (Ki Korov Hu). For Hashem said, 'Perhaps the people will reconsider when they see a war and will return to Egypt.’"

Rashi translates the word 'hu' as a reference to the land of the Plishtim and the word 'karov' as a reference to geographical distance, telling us in essence that it would have been too easy to go back to Mitzrayim.

The Daas Zekeinim m'Baalei haTosfos translate the words Ki Karov Hu in a completely different way. The word 'hu' refers to the nation, and the word 'karov' means relative as in 'family member'. The Daas Zekeinim is saying that Hashem did not lead Klal Yisroel through the "Plishtim Highway", which was the preferred route, because of his closer and "familial" relationship with the Yidden.

Sometimes HKB"H treats his children in a manner that seems inexplicable to us. The reason for this is 'ki karov hu' because He has a special relationship with us. The Aibishter has a different plan for His children. Rav Simcha Ziesel Broide, head of the Chevron Yeshiva, expands on this: Many times we feel our life has taken a detour; we are traveling in a circuitous route.

This may be because "Ki Karov Hu" Hashem is leading us on a different path because He is close to us and has different plans for us. (Taken from a lecture by Rav Yissachar Frand.)

If the shidduch which we are so anxiously awaiting for does not materialize, and things are not working the way we think they should, it is because HKB"H has plans for us, which we cannot understand, but which ultimately are for our benefit. We must have bitochon and continue in our efforts both in gashmius and ruchnius, because certainly the way we are being led is the best way for us.

What we forget at times because of this age's emphasis on "are we having fun?" or "are you happy?" that our happiness is not always an important thing. Which means, that maybe we are not happy or having fun because we do not realize the good in what we have or what we go through.
We all know the story of Reb Zusha of Anipoli who was asked by the Maggid of Mezritch students, how one could bless the Aibishter sincerely for the bad as well as for the good. Although he himself lea a very poor and hard existence he answered them to go find someone for whom things were not good, because he himself could not answer that question. (see the Crown Heights Community Newspaper for 11/23/09 forthis and other stories with Reb Zusha of Anipoli)
Naturally, all this is true if we do not sabotage our own efforts by looking for impossible things or rejecting shiduchim out of hand.

Bitochon

Shidduchim time where you really must have bitachon that you will have Siyata d'Shemaya, and your child will find their basherte.

In Eternal Joy* (vol1) the Rebbe says:
“I wish to reemphasize that which you yourself write - that the most important matter of all is finding a shidduch.
You write that your feeling is that you are not finding any fitting proposals regarding a shidduch.
My hope, however, is that when you will have the proper approach to the suggestions you receive, then G-d will provide you with the shidduch that is most appropriate for you both materially and spiritually.
One must always remember that there exists nothing in the world that is absolutely perfect. The same holds true with regard to human beings; there is no person who possesses all possible good qualities. Thus, it is pointless to wait [or expect] to find such a "dream" individual.
Since no person possesses all possible good qualities, it follows that the same is true regarding oneself - surely the person himself or herself is not perfect as well. However, [regardless of our own imperfections,] when it comes to looking at ourselves, we do so with a "good eye."
This should [also] be taken into consideration when looking upon another. [One should view the other person as well with a good eye, and] be ready to overlook and let pass [imperfect and deficient qualities]. Hopefully, with the passage of time, these imperfections - real or imagined - shall pass or straighten themselves out.
With this approach, it will be much easier to attain a shidduch - the choice becomes much greater and your entire attitude with regard to a shidduch will be a much happier and more positive.
I would also like to add that it is nigh impossible to truly assess and measure how these two individuals will be after they marry each other, inasmuch as marriage makes specific and marked changes in the two individuals who marry.
Thus, it is only up to a certain degree that we have free choice in the matter, while with regard to the rest we have to rely on G-d that He will lead the married couple in the path of joy, contentedness and goodness.
We verily observe that people do in fact act in this manner - [placing their ultimate fate in G-d's hands] and go on to live happy and successful lives until "120 years."
The same is true with regard to yourself - it is impossible to calculate with one hundred percent accuracy how each suggestion that is made to you will work out in the future, subsequent to getting married.
We must rely on G-d, [realizing] that if He is capable of properly conducting such a gigantic world, He surely is able to conduct the microcosmic world of each individual person that it be good for him or her materially as well as spiritually.
I hope that you will read this letter once and again and ponder the matters that I have written here.

My main purpose in this letter, however, is to try to see to it that from now on you change your approach to a shidduch - do not approach it with the disposition and bias that the shidduch is not for you; nonetheless, it is still necessary to make the requisite inquiries.

Rather, you should approach it in an entirely opposite manner - that G-d will surely provide you with a shidduch that is good for you, and quite possibly this may be the shidduch suggestion that is currently being presented to you. Consequently, it is very important to inquire and know the various details regarding the shidduch suggestion.
I wish for you that in the near future you will find a shidduch that is appropriate for you both in a material as well as a spiritual sense, and that you erect an edifice in Israel on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos. " (Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 103)

*Eternal Joy is printed by Sichos in English and is available online at
www. Sichosinenglish.org

Ask a Friend. Ask your Family. Ask Everyone!

When you are ready to begin your search, it is important to tell everyone you know that you are looking for a shidduch for your Son/Daughter. Many shidduchim come about from friends' or family recommendations.
In fact the majority of successful shidduchim are made by family.
It is not always the professional shadchan who is matzliach or who is your shliach. If you have friends or family who are not Lubavitch, ask them anyway. Just point out that you are looking for a Lubavitcher boy.
It is not enough to tell people once that you are looking for a shidduch for your child. Sometimes, it is necessary to remind them that you still have not found someone.
The reverse is true as well. Once you have found a match, make sure to inform the shadchonim and friends who have looked for you that your child is engaged. Do not assume that they will hear on their own. Your relatives and close friends will probably hear, but others may not, and they will be expending time and effort on your behalf for no reason.
Mazal does play an important part in the search. You and your child can help it along doing your hishtadlus, which can be davening, helping someone else with a shidduch, giving tzedoka etc. It is appropriate to discuss with your mashpia what is considered suitable Hishtadlus.
Look at the article on the Chicago conference for some examples of hishtadlus mothers are presently doing.
As we said at the very beginning, it is important to realize, especially in shidduchim, that HKB"H is the one who "fiert der veldt", rules the world. He is your partner in this endeavor, and therefore, do not despair if everything does not fall into place right away. Sometimes because the future spouse is still learning, not ready, or for any number of reasons, unavailable at this time, one has to wait for the other.
We do not know how long this process can take. A mother once told me she was despairing of finding a match for her daughter as nothing seemed to come of all the names that had been offered. Two years later a name came up, and the shidduch was accomplished in a very short time. The future Chosson had just returned home from yeshiva and was now ready to get married. She told me if she had only known that she had to wait two years, she would have gladly waited instead of worried.
We cannot know if we have to wait 2 years or 2 months. What we do know is if we are diligent, if we ask everyone we know and make ourselves into worthy Keylim to receive the brocha, when the time is right, everything will fall into place.
Marrying our children is like having them. By the time the 9th month comes around we are more than ready to have this baby, but we do not know exactly when it will happen. It could be right away or it could be late. The labor could pass in a blink or be protracted. That we accept as a matter of course, although we all daven for a fast and easy labor. So why should we not accept the same for the parsha of shidduchim? Some will happen in a blink and others we will have to work hard for. Some will come shortly after we started looking and others will be long delayed.
Let us accept that the only thing we control in this instance is how much we daven and how much effort we put in it.

Resting on our bitochon

The "preferred" age for marriage has fluctuated depending on external political factors. Generations ago people in Europe married before or in their 20's, then came the war and people got married (or remarried) in their 30's and 40's. Then the age of marriage came down to a "normal" 18-22. There were always some girls and boys who did not find their besherte until they were older. Today it seems like there are so many more older boys and girls still unmatched. All are great kids. Why are they not married yet?

There are a lot of complaints about shadchonim: there are not enough, they only care about certain families, they do not do enough, they do not call back and other typical gripes. Whatever our perception of shadchonim is, should not really be an impediment to finding the right shidduch for your S/D. Sure, a shadchan that takes you from the first moment until the kinyan and beyond, would be great. On the other hand, how many things in this life are handed to us on a platter?

When we look for a job or an apartment, we exert ourselves, go to interviews, talk to everyone we meet, and, in general, leave no stone unturned. If we put our energies and minds to the task of shidduchim as we do with other tasks, the chances of success, with or without a shadchan, will be very good.

After all, do we not say in the 12 Pesukin: If someone says, 'Yagati ve lo matzati, al ta'amin' 'I have searched, and I have not found," don't believe him. (If someone says, "I have not worked hard and I have succeeded," don't believe him. If someone says, "I have worked hard, and I have been successful," believe him! (Moed, Megilla, 6b)): Here it bears repeating that we must do our best and put our best efforts forward without forgetting that our "partner ", the Aibishter, is really doing the lion share of the work and when He deems that it is the right time it will happen.

In my personal experience, only one out of three shiduchim (so far), went through a professional shadchan. Family and close friends were the shliach HKB"H sent for the other two. Our family, friends and neighbors are de facto shadchonim. Let us not wring our hands and say that there are no professional shadchonim who can help us. Let us not complain ad infinitum that most shadchonim these days give us only names and do not really try to match up personalities. In a world that wants everything to be easy and instant (and throwaway) shidduchim are a rude wake up call. Suddently it take effort to accomplish our goal! Why is this surprising to us yidden? Isn't yiddishkeit a training in effort? Do we not put effort in davening, yirat shamayim, keeping mitzvos, doing mivtzoim, learning, teaching etc.? Or do we just coast and do things by rote.

I heard and explanation about the very oft quoted Gemorah "kashe zivugo shel odom kekrias yamsuf" (which some explain to refer only to Zivug sheini). The speaker (I forgot who it was) mentioned that just like the Yamsuf did not split until the Yidden cried for it to happen and Nachshom ben Aminodov actually went into the waters up to his neck (Sota 37b; Shemos Rabba 21:10), the same way a shidduch needs our comlete immersion (pun intended). The yidden were apprehensive about entering the Yamsuf and Nachshon had enough bitochon to go into the waters. We are all apprehensive about entering the sea of shidduchim, but we must have enough bitochon to do our hishtadlus and rely that HKB"H will bring about a shidduch. Krias Yamsuf happened just before dawn. The same way when one is looking for a shidduch it feels like s/he is in darkness and there is no relief, that is when our davening is the most heartfelt and sincere, and that brings about Hashem's yeshua.

Furthermore, the sea split 12 ways one for each shevet, just as each shevet had their own derech so does each person. Each one should find their own hishtadlus and their own individual path that will bring them to find their zivug.

Shidduchim is a challenge that needs our full effort, and our bitochon. We must believe that Hakodosh Boruch Hu will send us the right shliach and the right zivug for our children. But we also need to do our part. Knowing that it is "beshert" that hashgacha protis will bring us the right match, no matter if from next door or another continent does not mean we wait for it like "manna from heaven". We must search and ask and research, and accept defeat, and sometimes insult. And then it will happen, in a blink, the right one will come along, the research will be uncomplicated, things we thought so important become irrelevant, and we stand with a bright smile accepting congratulations!

What you will see in the following chapters is common sense practical advice. It may be something that makes you exclaim: "duh" (to use current slang), but even if it is obvious to you it may be news to someone else. Bear with me.

Marriages are made in Heaven

This is certainly no chidush. We all know marriages are made in heaven, so why mention it at all and why first thing?

Although we are all aware of this concept in theory; practically, while we are involved in our search for a shiduch, we might forget this and lose sight of where it all comes from: Shamaim, Heaven.

It is precisely when we lose sight of this important point that we get stressed out, anxious and upset, etc.

If, for example, a shiduch falls through, we should not blame the people who gave references, or the gossip, or the shadchen. It is simply that this shiduch was not meant to be. You are now one step closer to the right match.

Just as the name of the right zivug is called out 40 days after conception, so are the names of all the shidduchim one goes through before meeting the right zivug. Therefore, if a shidduch suggestion falls through, it is a good thing, this brings us ever closer to the right one. Everyone believes their (Son or Daughter) S/D is superior, but you need to realize that your terrific S/D might be perfect with Mr./Ms "A", and not with Mr./Ms "B". If Mr./Ms "B" tells you "no", they are not rejecting you or your S/D, it's just a mismatch.

As long as we all believe, (truly believe) that marriages are from heaven, we will not be upset or insulted by a rejection.

I do believe this should become the mantra of all the people in the "parsha". If you are rejected it is beshert it should happen, if your neighbor gave a bad reference it is beshert it should happen, if you cannot get in contact with the reference and you have to call someone else it is beshert it should happen. Have bitochon, BUT, daven, daven, daven and do as much hishtadlus as you can. Push your personal envelope and do extra.

We are not being fatalistic by saying this. We must do our Hishtadlus and make ourselves into a Keily by talking to shadchonim, friends and family. We must go to the Ohel and say tehilim and give tzedokah. We must do all we can do, to bring about the desired shiduch, but we must realize that we don't have control over whether a particular suggestion works or not.

We must have the bitachon that eventually the right shiduch will come along. When it comes we will recognize it and it will be exactly what we need. Everyone is familiar with the Medrash in Parshas Vayetzeh, which describes Rabbi Yosei Ben Chalafta's conversation with the Roman Matrona. She asked him what was keeping G-d busy since the creation of the world and Rabbi Yosei replied that G-d was busy making matches. The noblewoman derided the Rav, saying she could do it just as well; in a short span of time she paired off 100 maid-servants with 100 man-servants.

Unfortunately, things did not go as smooth as she thought they would go. Her servants were not happy with their matches and some received major injuries. She called back Rabbi Yosei Ben Chalafta to praise his G-d. This Medrash reminds us how difficult making a match can be, and how Hakodosh Baruch Hu is right there helping us along. On our own, we would have the same unfortunate consequences as the Roman Matrona.