Compatibility

I have written that couples must be compatible have common interests etc. That is all true but I wonder if we really understand what compatible means. Sometimes a couple that is composed of an avowed republican and an avowed democrat, one who loves nature and one who cannot be away from civilization, one who loves to read and one who would not pick up a book if paid are actually a better match than the couple who goes camping together and has exactly the same interests. The reason is that as important as similar interests are the same values shared by the couple are the ikar - the important point, not whether he ever heard of Dostoyevsky.
If both share a derech of chessed, or of being careful  with mitzvos, or of living life besimcha, or a belief in lerning and doing, those are all permanent things which will bind the couple together and will assure that their goals are similar and the way to those goals is with similar method. If they have values and goals in common then it does not matter if the superficial is not the same, it does not matter if he likes to take long walks and she likes to read. With good values they will each compromise and have a good marriage.

Consider who you are talking to.

When doing research, consider who you are talking to.

If you are talking to a close friend of yours who also knows the other side, then you are on more even ground, as you know what their standards are and how they judge, and you can put the answers in a proper prospective. I

f you do not know the person you are calling for information, be careful what weight you put on the answers. If something you hear is raising a flag, ask specific questions to clarify what you are hearing, you may have misunderstood or the person at the other end meant something different. It is much easier to clarify things right away, rather that later. Also, do not automatically say no. Do further research on that one point until you are very sure that the facts are true, and it is something undesirable to you.

Some other possible questions: What is their connection to the Rebbe? What part does the Rebbe play in their lives? (this is not a “meshichist” or “anti” question). Are the parents hands on parents or more laissez faire. Was there sholom bayis in their home? Do they have a lot of emotional baggage? Is she open-minded? ( what does open minded mean to you?) Is the family open-minded? Are they straightforward and honest, or is there a hidden agenda, and you don’t really know their intentions? Are they open to change, or do they dread it? How do they act with strangers: are they respectful with all kinds of people, janitors, cleaning ladies, shopkeepers, kids, secretaries yidden and goyim etc.? Are they a ‘good listener’? Are they always thinking of the next project, or do they take time to really give you their whole attention? Do they set attainable goals or just castles in the sky? Do they go with the flow, or do they know where they are going? Do they have a mashpia? Do they follow advice or prefer their own counsel? What is their conversation like? Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Centuries ago, Machiavelli (Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli born in 1469 and diplomat and adviser to the Medici family, known for his work “The Prince” and Discourses on Livy) noted in “The Prince”: “The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by things that seem, than by those that are.” Or as Rabbi Yehudah HaNossi (the prince) used to say: “Al tistakel b’kankan elah b’ma sheyeysh bo.” Don’t look at the flask, but at its contents.

What about Shlichus?

A lot of girls say they want a boy who is prepared to go on Shlichus, but, is this just a formula, or do they really only want a Shlichus position, and are they prepared to do whatever necessary to help their husband attain such a position?

It is very hard to get Shlichus today as we all know, and if one is not 100% dedicated (or one’s family is in Shlichus), it is not a given that Shlichus will materialize. I have discussed this previously, but it seems to me that a lot of girls feel they have to say they want someone in Shlichus, or they will not be viewed correctly; they will be considered less desirable; they will get a "second tier" boy.
That is a terrible misconception.

If a girl would be happy with a working boy it should be said; it might open up many more possibilities, especially if she expects that ultimately he will end up working anyway because he cannot find a shlichus position. And one should not wait until one is 26, 27 lo "settle" for a working boy, but choose this as an option early on.

There are boys who are either working, learning a profession, or in yeshiva but planning to work, who are just as "chassidish" as boys who sit in 770. They may even be better learners. Some do not touch their beards, have regular chavrusas, are careful to daven with a minyan etc. Do not assume that just because a boy is looking at other possibilities besides shlichus, he is a lesser offer.

Another fact to consider. A girl may say she wishes shlichus, but what she wants is shlichus in an established community where it is not a struggle to find Cholov Yisroel and where there is a choice of restaurants for the occasional outing. Not only that, but she may not feel comfortable with having an open house 24/7, where she must feed and advise and befriend perfect strangers on a daily basis.

Consider more than the perks of shlichus and decide if your qualities will fulfill the mission. If not there are other ways to be a shliach without going on shlichus.

Lets ask some more

• What are her hobbies?

The reason we ask this question is that hobbies give us another insight into the personality: if a person’s hobby is reading, and the other person's hobby is white water rafting, we can see immediately how different those personalities are.

We can gain insight in character by the hobbies a person has as well. For example: a person whose hobby is genealogy research has a sense of family, history and an inquisitive mind. A person who likes to travel, is able to assimilate new things and is comfortable in strange places. Someone who does photography has an eye for detail and so on.

Sometimes a hobby is something we wish we could do full time if we did not have to eat.

• Does she say ChiTas? Does she daven every day, etc?

Find questions that will tell you the level the girl is at. Asking if she is Chassidish these days means so many different things to so many people that one really has to be specific. This applies to boys and girls.

If Davening every day is important to you, then ask. If going to shul every Shabbos is the level you are aiming for, then ask about it. To ask how frum a person is a very subjective question, but asking a specific thing that is important to you gives you an insight.

• Does she have a lot of friends? Is she dedicated to her friends?

Neither a no nor a yes answer is negative. This just amplifies your previous question of how sociable she is. Most people have a lot of acquaintances but a limited amount of close friends. Asking this question might reveal that this girl always tries to help out her friends, or she is the one everyone goes to for advice, or she is the one to go shopping with. This will give you further insight in her character.

• Does she have a sense of humor?

Humor in life is a necessity not a luxury. If one can laugh at oneself and take oneself less seriously, it defuses a lot of little incidents that could become big. One can minimize problems by seeing the humor in them. We are not talking of a letz, a joker that finds everything a reason for mockery. That is not a good trait. We are discussing someone who has a positive reaction to a negative situation.

A person with a good sense of humor is easier to live with than someone who is serious and intense.

• Does she have common sense?

It is hard to have this question answered truthfully. Most people will say yes without giving it a thought. According to the dictionary common sense is good practical understanding, sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence. Also from the dictionary: “Common sense is not so common.”

Maybe a better question would be: is she a practical person. Does she simplify tasks, does she easily visualize solutions. Of course these questions show a lot more than common sense.

It is worth repeating that one should have specific questions that target qualities that are important to our son or daughter. We want to know weather our child can live with this person so we ask those questions which will bring to light possible conflicts or confirm positive points. We will never figure out the entire person just from research, it is useless to try.

• Is she a morning or a night person?

It is easier if both partners are the same. This way one is not drooping when the other is getting into gear, but this is definitely not a deal breaker.

Is she a half glass full or empty kind of person?

Optimism, like humor is a great quality to have, and again it is only important to the extent that it will effect her partner.

• What do you consider her best quality? (subjective question) What is the one thing that comes to mind when one mentions her name?

Try to have the person limit the answer to one quality only. Do not accept a wishy-washy answer. "She is a great girl", is too general.

• What do you consider her worst defect? (subjective question)

You are not expecting a major chissaron to be revealed here. Someone may say, she is often late, or she is absentminded, or she talks too much on the phone, etc. Those are all acceptable, but if someone cannot come up with even one minor drawback, then I would ask some more questions and call some more people. Everyone has some failing and if they cannot think of a minor one to tell you maybe there is a major one they cannot get out of their mind. On the other hand, they really do not know the person that well and cannot think of one.

Please do a thorough research but not an obsessive one.

More ???

• Does she have an even temperament.

Give examples of what you mean- (subjective question).

Is she moody, one minute having a smiling disposition and the next upset or angry. Often moodiness may be a warning sign of other more serious problems.

• Does she have a temper?

This one can be combines with the previous question although they are not really the same. Temper was discussed at length in a previous article regarding boys’ questions. Not only boys have tempers. Girls can have them too. Find out how she acts when angered. Does she sulk, hold grudges? Does she retreat into offended dignity for ages? Does it quickly blown over, etc.?

A woman's anger is generally less intimidating than a man’s; therefore often, one does not consider this an important point, but it is good to know if a girl is prone to outbursts or is generally even-tempered.

Think of how your son's temperament is and direct the question as counterpoint. If your son has a very long fuse and does not anger easily, then someone who is more volatile may be ok, but if he has a short fuse and so does she, it might lead to too many sparks.

• Question: Is she neat, organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question).

Some boys must have neatness around them in order to feel relaxed or even to be able to think calmly. Others can function in the middle of a tornado. Some people are very organized in their thoughts; therefore, the chaos around them does not affect them as much, but for people whose thought processes are not so organized, having neatness and a seder around is essential. If you, the mother, are very conscientious in your cleaning and would not dream to leave a dish in the sink before going to bed no matter how tired you are, find out if that is a quality your son values or if he barely notices. If the wife of such a boy is more concerned with having a warm house (warmkeit in yiddish not warm as in heat) than a spotless house, will this engender discord among the couple?

• Question: Is she careful with tznius?

It is a sad fact that we as a community are not as careful with tznius as we once were. Because we work closely with people in all stages of kiruv, we are anesthetized against seeing something problematic in tznius. We accept that people will go around without stockings in the summer, or wear skirts that are short with slits or barely cover the knees and collars that are a little too open, and so on and so forth.

This is also due to our openness to the world at large: we are bombarded by ads and magazines and goyishe ideals that have nothing to do with our ideal of beauty or modesty.

It is also a question of education. For whatever reason, if one mentions the word tznius in conversation, it is taboo just like religion and politics; it is bound to raise animosity and resistance.

In reality, tznius is a beautiful thing. It is a well of self confidence that women and girls have that enables us to dress in a pleasant and pleasing way and still retain our dignity, our regal worth. It allows us to feel well-dressed and au-currant without running after every twitch and twist of the fashion world. It enables us to be appreciated for who we are and not for what we wear.

So to get back to our question, we have a lot of different levels in our neighborhood, and I have come across the fact that an eminently suitable girl will be rejected because her hems are too high or she does not wear stockings. The decision to look more fashionable so that she attracts the right attention, or some would say to be more comfortable, is preventing a great girl from making a good shidduch. We are letting our standards slip, and it is not beneficial in any way.

So, if your son is concerned that his wife wear the right length and be stricter with her tznius, this question should be asked. And it should be asked also when your son does not have a personal opinion at this point, but you do not wish your daughter-in-law to sit across from you at your table dressed in an unsuitable manner. This encompasses a whole other topic of course, and I know a lot of people will be riled up (did I not write it is like talking politics where no one can agree?), but I find it incomprehensible how young couples can so blatantly insult parents in their own home.

• Question: Is she fashion-conscious, obsessed?

All we want to know is if she is obsessed by fashion and must always try the latest styles or does she dress stylishly but have other areas of interest besides the latest color in vogue. I knew someone who was very difficult to talk to because her world revolved around clothes and fashion.

For the right boy such a girl is eminently suitable. Her kids will always be dressed to the nines and her house will be a showplace.

• Is the family a close knit family?

This question matters to some people and is totally irrelevant to others. Sometimes your family loves the match suggested but may have some issues with a close relative. In such a case, you might want to know in advance how close the family is. It should not make a difference to the shidduch if other more important things are fine, but it is good to know.

Another reason for the question is, for example, if your family is very tight and always spend Yomim Tovim together, this answer gives you a heads up to how much you will have to share. If both families are close you will have to juggle visits and reunions. When only one side is close knit it might be difficult for the other to understand why s/he is always on the phone with their family, or is always visiting and so on.

• Is she sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. (subjective question)

This question might have gotten an answer when you asked about temperament. If not, it is an essential question as you should know if the girl is introverted or very outgoing (to mention two extremes). Don’t match a very social and outgoing person with a homebody who would rather stay home with a sefer than go out and visit. It will not really draw out the shy partner. It will make it a point of contention between the two if one is always wishing to go out and the other wants to spend the evening relaxing at home. If one side is a little more friendly and gregarious than the other, the one will draw the other one out some. As long as they are not at the polar opposites they will influence their partner a bit, but when the differences are too far apart then they will only get on each others nerves. Naturally, there are always exceptions, but before you think you are one of those exceptions, consider well.

Questions on Girls

Here are some questions that you may want to ask when researching a girl:

• What Seminary did she go to?

We ask what Sem a girl went to because it gives us a basic idea of what kind of a girl she is. Choosing a sem should be individualized according to the girl needs. We should find a sem for our daughters that will give them the possibility to grow and become capable independent women who know their own worth.

Some girls go to seminaries that emphasize learning. Some go to sems that give courses in possible future enterprises, such as sewing or hair/wig care. There are different kind of sems for different characters. Knowing where a girl went might give one an idea of where this girl is heading. Often girls will just go to one sem or another because their friends are going there, or their sisters went there. That does not disprove what is said above. After all a girl who is not interested in learning will not go to an intensive learning program, just because some of her friends will go there.

• What is she doing now?

Rounds out our picture of the girl. If she is in shlichus, or teaching, or working, it will tell us how she is managing her time.

• Did she go on shlichus after Sem?

• What does she want to do, teach, work in an office, go to college, shlichus etc?

• What did she do with her summers?

• Is she shy or lebedick

Give examples of what you mean - I explained in the boys list of questions what we are trying to achieve with a particular question. I will not repeat here what was covered before. Some questions are appropriate for both boys and girls so look at both lists, it may be I did not repeat it.

I will digress to share a story someone related recently. I do not know if the story is true or not as the one who told me the story did not know the protagonists, but it clearly illustrates a very important point.

A shadchan offered a match to a family, Rabbi and Mrs. Plony. Their son was a well-liked boy with good midos who knew how to learn. The parents naturally wished the best match for him. They investigated the proposed name, but the results were not encouraging. No one said outright that there was anything wrong with the person, but there were rumors, generalities, and unfounded objections. Therefore, they decided not to continue with this shidduch and told the shadchan that they were not interested.

Mrs. Plony was upset that another initially promising lead had come to nothing. The constant high and lows were very wearying, so after talking to the shadchan, she went to the Kosel to daven that her son find his besherte. While pouring her heart out at the Kosel, a girl stood next to her, davening herself with apparent deep sincerity. When the girl saw the tears in the older woman eyes, she approached her to see if there was any way she could be of help, and Mrs. Plony got into a conversation with her. When Mrs. Plony mentioned she was from a particular sect of Chassidim, the girl asked her if she knew of a family Plony that belonged to that sect. Without revealing her own name, the very surprised lady asked the girl why she was inquiring of them. The girl answered that a certain shadchan had offered the son of this family as a shidduch, but after hearing that they were looking into it, she did not hear anything further, and therefore, she was making limited inquiries into the family herself to see if it was a possibility. That is why she had come to the Kosel -- to daven for Siata D'shmaya that she may soon find her shidduch. After some more conversation, Mrs. Plony discovered that this was a very warm-hearted girl, intelligent, and with good middos -- just what she was looking for her son.

She revealed herself as that Mrs. Plony the girl was trying to find, and a short time later the couple was engaged.

The nimshol of the story is clear to everyone. If you are not happy with the answers you receive, or have unsubstantiated objections, or do not have enough people to ask, do not throw away the shidduch but refine your search; ask more pertinent questions; insist on confirmed information, ask friends if they know anyone in the area or if they know anyone who might know this family.

Why put the Eibishter to the extra trouble (such as to make the mother and the girl meet) because one has let themselves be swayed by rumors and hearsay.

But like every coin has two sides, if your tendency is to examine everything with a magnifying glass and then to go for the microscope, take a step back and do not examine so much. Stick to the important traits and questions and forget the irrelevant questions about scraping the dishes or tying the shoes. Asking if he has a good voice or not may be appropriate when hiring a chazzan, but it will not make or break a marriage. At least not as a rule.

Another point I wish to bring up. In every group there are popular name, so for example by us there are a lot of Mushkies, Nechamas, or Mendels and Yosef Itzchaks. Sometimes in a family there are cousins with the same name who are very close in age. Be careful when looking for information that what you get is for the right person. One shidduch never came about because the information was relayed that the girl was introverted, when in reality that was the cousin and not her.

So on to the questions. Let me say again that there are probably other questions that you might find important that I have not listed (write me a note) and questions which I have listed that you may find irrelevant.

Wrap up

One last comment on the boys before going on:
It has become more and more common for some boys to go to the army (Israeli for the most part) for 18 months or more. Some of these boys may have been distancing themselves from frumkeit, some felt this was a must before they entered the next stage of life and the responsibilities. Do not refuse to look into these boys. Just because they went to the army does not mean they are not frum. Many of them learn with chavrusas, go to minyan, do Chitas and do not touch their beards. Some plan to go to Kollel after they marry, some even on shlichus.
So keep in mind that there are outstanding and middling boys who are learning and outstanding and middling boys who are working, and among those there are outstanding and middling boys that went to the army. Do not take things for granted, investigate, the only caveat being: do not be obsessive just diligent.

Researching Boys II

Continuing with examples of questions to ask when researching a boy.

It might look that some of the questions have been asked before, but sometimes when you did not get the answer you needed the first time it is worth it to re-frame the question and re-ask. Also, sometimes the question is similar but not the same, you are getting to a different aspect of the person. And again sometimes you just skip the question you thing repetitive because you got your answer previously.

• Is he working?

You may or may not know the answer to this already. If he is a boy who’s learning, he may be working some hours a day. He may be tutoring or teaching. Or if he is a “working” boy, he may be studying for a future career but not working, or he may be working part time and studying part time.

Let's be realistic. If a bocher is a certain age, he is working even if he wants to go on shlichus. In fact if a 28 and older bocher is not involved in something I would be surprised. Of course you have the exception, Bochrim who have such a kop for learning that it is what they do all day with full committment. That is possible, but seriously how many can do that?

Others might keep busy teaching, or being involved in organizations, or helping shluchim, or go into some kind of business or learning a trade.

One has to understand that a lot of these bochrims are true gems, but they could not wait to get married to start life, so do not categorize them in a lower level just because they picked themselves up and did something with their lives.

• Is he driven (trait not car!), forceful, high strung or sedate?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Are you looking for someone who is out thee looking for opportunities, ambitious, driven to succeed in whatever path he has chosen? Or are you looking for someone who get things done but quietly and calmly, or someone who has a laid back attitude, doing what he has to do, but letting things also take their course without pushing, etc. Describe what you mean with your question, you will get a much better answer.

• Is he sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. This is not the same question as in the last post. One may be laid back but not sedate. One may be a bit wild but not enterprising. Before you were asking more in reference to the world at large--whether in regard to shlichus: can he fund-raise? Or in regard to business, does he look for opportunity or does he wait for it to knock? Now, you are asking about a personal character trait: is he the first to jump in or does he observe what others do first? Is he calm and contained or is he always on the edge of his seat? Again, use your own examples that will give you the insight you want. One can be reserved but rise to the occasion. When necessary, they can be sociable. Or are they reserved and prefer to avoid social situations that will spotlight them?

• Does he have a temper or an even temperament?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Everyone gets angry sometimes, but you wish to know if he is easily angered, or if he holds a grudge, and it takes ages to get him out of a “sulk”. As Pirkei Avos says, there are 4 types of temperaments: easily angered and easily appeased, slow to anger and slow to be appeased, slow to anger and easy to be appeased, and easily angered and slow to be appeased which we all know is the worst combination.

We all give in to anger sometimes, but it is good to find out what one does when angry. Stay and yell, storm out and calm down outside, etc. Explain what you feel is excessive anger and give examples. (We are not taking here about abusive behavior Ch’V. If you have heard rumors of such, do not rely on rumors but try to find out the truth and speak to a mumche, a counselor)

Anger is one of the 3 facts the gemorah tells us reveal the character of a person (Kiso, Ka'aso, Koyso, his pocket - financial -, his anger and in his cups)

• Is he neat (his room, his papers), organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Neatness and organization might matter greatly to some and not at all to others. If it is important, be specific with your examples. Do you want to know if he is neat in dress, orderly with his personal belonging, with his books or files etc.? (Some people may be sloppy at home but greatly organized at the office.)

If a girl is always very neat and orderly in her life and she marries a slob, there will be issues that both have to resolve. She has to accept the fact that he is not very concerned with neatness and orderliness and can live with this fact. She should not think she can change him after they are married. Similarly if he grew up in a house where his mother was a great balabusta and everything had its place and there was not a crumb left in sight before going to sleep, but the girl he is looking into is more relaxed with the household and if the dishes stay for the next day it is just fine, he has to decide if he can live with this attitude, maybe pitch in to bring things to his own standard, but again he should not think that she will become the balabuste he wants just because he is marriying her.

This is not a deal breaker as long as both parties go into the marriage knowing the shortcomings of the other and ready to accepting them.

• Is he fashion conscious (i.e., his shirts must be a particular brand name, only 100% cotton ...)?

• Does he dress sloppily or neatly?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). How concerned are you with his mode of dress? Does he have to be neat or does he have to look well-dressed? Explain your level of fashion so you can get a proper answer. Is it important to you that his shirt is tucked in? His pants color match the jacked color (common blue pants with black jacket)? Does he look like he slept in his clothes etc. Consider that if for the girl it is important that his pants be pressed and his shirt uncreased, she can make sure of that after they are married. He may not care, but she can make sure that his closed is up to her par. On the other hand, she may want someone who will be concious of his own appearance without her imput.

• Does he help around the house?

Mamy bochrim have been away from home from early adolescent, which makes it difficult to get an answer but, they do come home bein hazmanim, and they stay by shluchim and so on.

Some bochrim are always ready to lend a helping hand, some are not. Some only do it outside their own home or dorm.

• Does he get along with his siblings? (subjective question)

Explain what you mean by getting along: some families are a loose unit--everyone is friendly and close, but each is an individual and independent. Some families are a tight unit, very close to one another even though geographically apart. In one case an occasional phone call or visit is considered fine. In the other case it would be considered a distant relationship. If the girl comes from a tightknit family he has to realze that she will keep this close contact even after marriage. It is not a negative or positive trait, it is just a fact. When both sides come from closeknit families and they live in separate cities there are more compromises to be reached as to when to go where, for Yom Tov, for visits etc. It is just an item to be considered, nothing to agonize over.

• What are his hobbies?

• What does he do in his spare time?

It may give an insight into other interests the bocher has. Maybe he is a nature lover, or a photographer or an artist, etc.

• Does he go on mivtzoim?

• Is he well liked by his friends, neighbors, fellow students, staff, Rabbeim?

• Does he have a sense of humor? (subjective question)

Is he the resident clown or does he have the right “bon mot” at the appropriate time? Can lighten up a conversation with a well-said joke? Humor is also “in the ear of the beholder”. What is funny for an Englishman might not be for an American. But humor makes life so much easier. It is a great thing to be able to not take oneself too seriously. On the other hand someone who cannot be serious is a challenge.

• Is he a graceful looser?

We are not talking about games really. It starts with games when the kids are small and continues in school, business and life. Sometimes a student is rewarded when another should have been, or the learning of one is praised more than a second one; or one boy's idea is rejected but accepted when repackaged by a different boy, etc. What is the boy’s reaction in such life situations? How gracefully does he accept life’s “unfair hits”?

More on Research

Be thorough in your research.

Ask the right questions and call both the reference you were given and friends or family who might know the prospect.

On the other hand, to all those who give information: make sure your information is factual and true to the best of your ability (see previous articles).

If there is a medical problem and you are not sure if it should be mentioned, call a Rov. By withholding information you are not doing a favor to anyone. I recently heard a story of a divorce that came about because of information that was withheld. A couple had a baby that was born with certain defects which were caused by medication the husband was on at the time of conception. The wife had no idea the husband was on medication or even that he needed any. If the wife had known about the condition, the baby might have been born healthy.

Again on the other hand: people think that shadchonim or others trying to make a shidduch are trying to fool them or trick them by "hiding" information. This is not so. Many times a Rov will tell the family they do not have to disclose a certain fact. It could be because it is well known in the community and it is not something hidden but obvious when one meets the person (such as a limp or a stutter). Do not jump to conclusions that the family was "hiding information". Allowing for a lag of time before some information is found could be the making of a shidduch. If the family has found out that the prospect is full of maylos, good qualities and middos, then when they discover that there is a flaw they will measure it against all the good and still go on with the shidduch. But when the flaw is laid bare at the beginning, it becomes a major flaw and the shidduch is rejected.

How much research

Like every thing else, just mentioning the words “shiduchim research” in a group, will bring conflicting and contradictory opinions.

A popular story is the one of the Rov who was presented a case, and after the first side speaks, he agrees with him. Then when the second side speaks, he agrees with him, so the Rov's wife asks him, “How can they both be right?”, and he responds to her, “You are also right!”

So it is with research: there are those who say there is not enough research done and that is why later problems may arise, and they are right. On the other hand, there are those that say that research has gotten out of hand, and people ask questions that have no relevance to the character of the person in question--they are also right. I guess they can both be right.

Research can prevent all sorts of problems later on. Make sure the character presented is truly the character that is (as shown previously). When the couple does meets, it should be just to make sure they have a connection and are on the same wavelength. They should enjoy talking to each other and be able to relate to each other. Going out should not be about general research. All that should be done in advance.

That is how it is possible for a couple to go out 5 or 8 times and say yes. All that has to be discovered by the couple is if they have an affinity for each other. (I’ll return to the subject later when we discuss dating.)

On the other hand, overkill in research is not conducive to a good result. Often inappropriate questions are asked. Another example of an unsuitable question would be: What kind of car do the parents drive? It might indicate the financial level of the family, but there are better and more direct ways to find that out.

Everyone has a "skeleton in the closet" it may be more or less substantial but no one alive can bare their life and come out "roses". Peccadilloes abound. The thing is to know what are peccadilloes that can be ignored and information that will make a difference in our children's lives.

Heath issues, as will be written in a future blog entry, should be always checked out. Rumors should be taken as untrue but followed up to make sure. Stick to facts in all things, assumptions and gossip are not good information.

Someone said that unfortunately, we are living in a culture that makes more of defining a person by the subcategories of subcategories which they fit into than by the nobility of their character. This is indeed a sad state of affairs. And this is what we should avoid doing in our research. Don’t ask question to categorize people; ask questions that will reveal their personality and character.

Calling for References

When you call, you should have a list of specific questions.
In order to receive good answers, direct questions are a must. A written list of questions is necessary. You may think that you know in your mind what questions you wish to have answered, but during a conversation, it is easy to get sidetracked and distracted, and then forget to find out about important points.
With a written list you can check off the questions as they get answered. Take notes of the answers. Ask the person to give you a second as you are taking notes. Even if you have a good memory, it is easy to forget the details. Even more, it is useful to write the exact words (adjectives) you hear, so your mind does not supply its own interpretation of what you heard.

It is easy to be influenced without realizing it. If the person on the other end of the phone is enthusiastic about the prospect, one is easily carried along by the enthusiasm and may interpret what one hears subjectively. If we write the exact words, we can review the conversation without that influence. Although, (yes, I am being contrary) impressions should be noted as well.

Asking what can you tell me about so and so is not an answerable question. First of all as explained previously one can only answer questions that are specific in nature and not general questions. I will give examples of specific questions in a separate blog.

I also believe in making the calls myself and not having another person call for me. This is my personal preference because when you listen to someone’s description, often you can hear between the lines what they are not saying. The tone of voice will give you pointers. The pauses, the type of adjectives used will tell you more than just “Merriam-Webster’s” definition.

For example, you call someone and after the first few awkward explanations, the conversation takes a warmer tone. The person genuinely likes the one you are discussing, and it comes through in the tone of their voice. Or someone is not very familiar with them, so they may sound hesitant. Someone may describe the person as “nice”, “pleasant”, etc. These are “milquetoast” (tame) adjectives, too bland to describe someone who certainly has some admirable characteristics.

The exception to calling references yourself is if the young man or lady calls for herself. That is a much more difficult call. It would be preferred if at all possible that a mashpia or good (married, older) friend make the calls for the one involved. Aside from the reticence involved in asking information for oneself, and the reciprocal reticence of not wanting to tell the person directly involved less than laudatory information, there is the stress of finding out again and again that the name suggested is very far from the requested ideal. Finding out again and again that the proposed shidduch is only a match in the very basic terms (one is a girl and one is a boy) depresses and stresses out the young man or young lady making the calls.

I know of a mashpia who told his mushpa to pass along to him all the names he is offered and he would make the calls. If anything appropriate was suggested then he would pass back the name.

Introduction to research

The next topic I will tackle is research. I know it is a topic that is important to many, and that is why I want to preface it with some important points.

Research is very important in a shidduch. In fact it is essential. But like all things it has to be done in the right way. Too little research and you will not get the important information you need, too much research and no one will be good enough.

The timing of research is also important: before the boy and girl meet, do all the research you can. Check references, call your friends, call anyone you want. Once you have decided that it is a good match and they start going out, one should really be sure that this is the right one. One can still make calls especially in the beginning of going out, (such as the first 2, 3 dates) when it is believed that this is a possible yes and there are some new doubts, or information to clarify. But it should be self understood that the bulk of the research has already been done.

After the couple is engaged, there should be no more research calls made. If someone specifically calls with information, one can listen and one can verify that information but do not actively continue to dig. At this point the couple is engaged and feelings are involved. Even in Lubavitch where we do not do Eirusin and we only do Tenoyim just before the chuppa, breaking an engagement is a weighty thing.

Therefore do research before they meet, clear up your doubts if necessary after they have met, but once they are engaged, do not continue doing research. After all if we have bitachon that the Eibishter is our partner in the shidduch then we have to leave it up to Him that this is the right person for our child, or that He will arange matters for the good.

There was a cute? sad? commentary on research on the web, that detailed how we would not even consider the Avos or Imaot, or even Moshe Rabeinu as in laws, if we were doing the research these days, so let us not be obsessive and if we are too close to the matter and not sure if we have done enough research we should ask our mashpia or rav for advice.

Let us keep things in prospective and not need to know when was s/he was toilet trained and we do not need to speak to their elementary teachers.

Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Checkmate!

I hope you have all checked out the two website I have written about. Leave no stone unturned, as they say. Try every method available (according to Daas Torah), in order to find the match for your single. Even try the much reviled shadchonim :D .

Before continuing let me backtrack a moment. It is hard to initiate conversation with your son, daughter about the subject of shidduchim. It is difficult to find the right moment when there are no distraction and when your son or daughter is willing to sit and talk on the subject. In fact I was asked just that question, how do you tie down your chossen bocher or kallah maidel to talk about this very important subject? How about making an appointment with your son and daughter? Set a time and a place and state in clear terms that just like any other appointment, this one too should be honored and not dismissed because something more interesting has come up.

Here is an idea to make that conversation go more smoothly:

“Admits mistakes?” What am I looking for a malach or a husband?!
This is one of the comments I heard while playing a game called “Checkmate”.
I first heard of this game in an article forwarded to me by the ever-alert and multi-talented CHJCC receptionist Penina Metal. It purported to help in the choice of the right middos needed in a prospective mate. Naturally, the game caught my attention.

It is a fact that so many parents and future Chassanim and Kallos look for the externals such as money and looks; therefore, anything that would focus a person on the search for middos was welcome.
I read the article, but although intriguing, it did not give me as clear a picture as I had hoped, so I called the innovative author of the game herself, Rebbetzin Chaya Ginzberg, (“Road Signs for Success”), a lecturer, and a high school and seminary teacher.

During our conversation, I discovered that this game is much more than just a “shiduchim game”. It lends itself to almost any interpersonal relationship. Friends, single and married ladies, parents and children, or married couples can play the game and gain some insight.
What is more, the game has its origins right here in Crown Heights!

Rebbetzin Ginzberg explained that she is good friends with our own inimitable Mrs. Miryam Swerdlov. At a convention some time ago, Mrs Swerdlov played a game a lot of our Crown Heights residents are familiar with: it is called “The Game of Priorities”. Mrs. Swerdlov has played this game with girls in camp, with ladies at conventions and retreats, and at workshops. Everyone who played had a great time and came away with a better knowledge of what is really essential in their lives.

Is Yiras Shomayim more important than live-in-help? If you had to choose only one, what would it be? Is satisfaction at work less or more important than being a good example to your children?

This is a game that makes you think about what is truly important in your life and makes you more appreciative of what you do have. The enjoyment aspect of the game is just an added bonus.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg with Mrs.Swerlov’s permission adapted this game to focus more on middos alone, rather than general necessities such as owning a luxury car, paying dental bills, or having a well-paying job for your husband, and she marketed it for the public. She felt it was a way to give hashkafa in an easy and enjoyable way. I believe she succeeded. This particular version of the game is made to be marketed to the world at large, and therefore, it is relatively “parev”.

There are 56 cards in the deck. Most are middos. Some are personality traits, and some are inclinations. The object of the game is to hold on to 7 cards. Depending on the question asked at the beginning of the game, those cards could describe the qualities you are looking for in a future spouse, the qualities you wish to develop in your children, or the qualities you see in your husband, etc.

I am not familiar with card games as I never considered playing cards to be much of a Jewish activity, but I am certainly hooked on this game. Seven cards are distributed to the players. One desk is fine for 2 to 6 players. If you play with a large group, play with multiple decks.
The deck is put in the middle, face down, and each player takes a card and then discards one. When a player discards an unwanted card, it lays face up next to the deck. If the next player wants that card, they can take it, or they can take one from the deck. At the end of the game everyone is left with 7 cards.

In Mrs Swerdlov’s game one discards before one picks. Here the instructions say you pick before you discard. I have come to the conclusion that it is a more effective game if you are forced to choose what you discard before you pick the next card. After all, it is like life--you do not always know what is coming, but you know what you have on hand. Ultimately, it’s your choice. The rules are not written in stone. Play according to what in your opinion is the most effective way.

I played with my son who is now B:H engaged, and our goal was to see how close I was to his priority list of a future Kallah.
Many of the cards in the game may encompass others in their meaning, or they may be close enough to mean the same thing. For example, there are cards such as “Kind”, Giving”, or “Generous Spirit”. If one is giving, one will most probably be kind and will have a generous spirit; therefore, only one of these cards should be retained, and the others may be discarded. Some cards are definitely middos such as “Honest”, “Fair”, “Content”, and “Sincere”. Some are derivative, character traits like “Good Manners” or “Sense of Humor”, etc. Some are inclinations such as “Musically Inclined”. One card I am not sure what category to place in. (I am sure you will know which one I mean if you see the deck!). I am pleased to report that we were both on the same page; what he was looking for is what I thought he was looking for! :)

Play to discover your own strengths and good qualities--who you are and what do you have to offer to a future spouse. Then play again to see what you are looking in a spouse and compare the two results. Do they match? Is what you offer compatible with what you are looking for? Are the qualities you are looking for compatible one with the other? Are you choosing “Drives” and “Ambition” in a “Sensitive”, “Calm” person? If you are ambitious and have drive, you are not generally calm and sensitive.

What you discard is also important. As the play goes around, your discards may be the other person’s essential requirements. Examining the reasons behind your discards will make you verbalize your feelings and make you understand better your choices. It is even better to play with a mashpia or a parent or facilitator. (Maybe shadchonim should play with you at your interview!) Defending, or to use a less confrontational verb, discussing your choices is almost an integral part of the game. During the game and after the game, you can discuss your choices and do so in the calm and happy atmosphere engendered by the game.
In fact, it may be great as a starting point for a heart-to-heart discussion with your parents or friends (what I like and appreciate in my friends), with your siblings, (what I admire about you), or with your husband.
When playing, keep in mind that many words may be unfamiliar to your fellow players and maybe to yourself. Words such as “analytical” may have to be explained. Some words may have an unimportant meaning to the other players. A word such as “sensitive”, for example, would need to be explained. How important it is that a husband is sensitive to a wife’s needs or a wife to a husband’s?
Many mistake the word "Drive" to mean driving a car. That is not what the card reppresents rather it is more : to strive vigorously toward a goal or objective; to work, play, or try wholeheartedly and with determination.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg told me that the game was even played on a date. A couple went out numerous times, but he was not a great communicator, so she was not sure about saying yes. They played the game, and she found out so many positive points about the boy that they got engaged. Now, don’t all of you carry a game with you when you go out! The game was a final push or confirmation in this case, and this is how it should be. Do not rely on a game to tell you who to marry.

The game is available at most Seforim stores in Crown Heights, Flatbush or Boro Park.

The Tongue Conclusion

Even when asking a teacher, principal or Rav subjective research questions, one should be careful to be on the same page. Which means you understand his "measuring scale" so that when s/he answers a question,"s/he is very chassidish" you know just what level of "chassidish" s/he means, and if not refine your question and ask clarification.

A Rov or principal who deals with such evaluations often will be able to give a proper answer. A regular person should not be asked such subjective questions.

A caveat: If one is asking a teacher or a Rov that taught the boy or girl in high school, (or even more who taught him in elementary) a number of years have passed, and what the growing the boy or girl has done in the intervening years may have literally made a different person out of them. What we hear may not be applicable anymore. The subject of our question may have matured beyond recognition, and what we hear would not apply anymore. So try to get information from people that know the subject now and not years earlier. SAme applies when giving manes for references, give people who know your bocher or maidel now and not 5 years ago.

Let us keep in mind as well that the period between High School and looking for a shidduch is a period of major change in a person’s life. So if the information you are hearing is from a numbers of years back, keep an open mind.

This also applies if the person is out of seminary 3 or more years. Information from a Seminary teacher may only reflect part of the personality of the person at this time. After all we all work on ourselves to improve.

Regarding objective questions of dubious value such as, “Did the boy/girl get straight A’s on their report card? One can simply say I do not know, because such a question has no relation to the present situation or to the character of the person.

I have heard of a lot of questions of no value being asked, such as if the family uses color or white tablecloths for Shabbos, uses plastic on the table, or if they scrape or stack the dishes. Not to excuse these questions, because they do not have real merit, but a possible explanation as to how they came about is this: “Traditional” families would use white tablecloths on Shabbos and Yom Tov. More "modern" ones might have used colored ones. Maybe, a mother felt that asking about the tablecloth would tell her the level of "tradition" in the family without having to ask outright. Similarly, when asking whether someone scrapes the plates or stacks them. It is more polite to take away the plates without either stacking or scraping. The next level is to stack the plates and take them to the kitchen. The third option is to scrape the plates at the table which is not polite at all. So again, a mother might have wanted to know how “well mannered” the family is with such a question. I cannot say whether these questions ever had a place in gathering information in a more genteel past. They do not seem relevant nowadays.

There is a difficult situation when someone knows of a condition that the other party was not told of, such as a physical or mental condition or previous marital status or the like. If one knows of a shidduch where such information has been withheld and s/he knows the information is true first hand (or if second hand the information has been verified), then s/he should definitely ask a Rov if they should tell the interested party of this condition. Not every condition has to be disclosed at the beginning when the families are doing research, and although some have to be disclosed before they meet, still others do not have to be disclosed until the engagement or at all. Only a Rov can distinguish which conditions should be revealed and which not.

Even in the case a Rov considers the information must be revealed, the information may only be relayed when

1. the condition is serious,
   
2. one is not exaggerating the condition,
   
3. and there is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.

Before going ahead, though, it is advisable to ask a Rov whether this piece of information falls into this category and whether it is permissible to offer the information even when one was not asked.

The first step in such a case is, of course, to contact the first party and convince them to share the information with the other party. This way the information will come directly from the person in question. Try to convince the person you are talking to, that it will be much better if they themselves raise the issue rather than having the information come to the other family from a third party, such as yourself. If there is a possibility that the information will be ignored or if the person in possession of this information has ulterior motives for disclosing this information, then s/he is not allowed to disclose this information.

Because of many other issues one should never take upon oneself to make such a decision on one’s own but should always consult with a Rav.

Preoccupation with appearance

Every Friday night we all say Shlomo Hamelech's words, "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy, Isha Yirat Hashem Hi Titshalul." – ‘Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, a woman who fears G-d, she is praiseworthy.’

Now is the time to apply these words to our life. For both girls and boys, appearance should not be primary. Middos should be the main emphasis. If we do put emphasis on these external things, we are really saying that Shlomo Hamelech's words are not true.

Chazal has a very inspiring interpretation on this verse: It is true that "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy," 'Chen' (charm) is false and 'Yofi' (beauty) is vain, but when "Isha Yirat Hashem" when a woman has Yirat Shamayim, then even chein and yofi even her charm and beauty are worthy of praise.

We are letting the perception of the world around us influence us to a major degree. Why do we let the goyishe world influence our choices especially when these choices are so far reaching and important? Even the goyishe world recognizes that only 5% of the population resembles the idealized version of beauty that the models peddle.

With the preoccupation with appearance, we are also driving our girls to Chas V'shalom ruin their health for such a transient mania. And what do these boys gain? After one or two children, no woman looks the same as she did as a girl, even if she manages to retain a figure.

Externals are helpful for first impressions; beyond that, if the qualities are there, externals are less relevant. One should not be put off by the other's appearance, that is a given, but to overemphasize looks is basing a lasting commitment on a temporary foundation.

Over and over I hear that it is the mothers that influence the boys in wanting girls in mannequin sizes. While the mothers cry that it is the sons who will not go out with anyone other than a "size 2". Incidentally, someone made the very valid comment that if you ask a boy who is a "size 2" most of the time he will point out an 8 or a 10. They really B"H do not know what "size 2" are, and are only parroting others.

I am sure there are some mothers who insist on a particular size or look and there are some boys who specify externals, but even more so, we as mothers must start early enough to inculcate in our children that it is middos that are important, that it is the pnimius that we are looking for. We must show by example that we believe what Rabbi Meir says in Pirkei Avos: “Al tistakel b'kankan ela b'ma, sh'yesh bo” or as we say in English: ‘Do not judge a book by its cover.’ If we have done our job well, then our children, both boys and girls, will not tell us they will not go out with anything more than a size 6. They will ask first what are the qualities this person has.

Therefore let us start changing the way WE see things and start influencing our children to look for the right things.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

There is a cute true story about “beauty in the eye of the beholder” or “Al taam vareach, ein lehitvakeach.”

A shadchente was trying to fulfill the wishes of a boy who wanted to go out only with the most beautiful girl. So she set him up with a number of very pretty girls and he refused all of them. At the end of her rope she looked through her files again and saw the only possibility left was a girl that even euphemistically you could not call beautiful. She suggested it anyway, nothing else was available.

Well, he went out with the girl and called the shadchente as soon as he came home. “Why did you take so long to suggest this girl, she’s perfect, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world!”

Please realize a picture means absolutely nothing. Someone who is average looking may appear truly beautiful by virtue of their character after further acquaintance. It is a cliché because it is true.
Some people are very photogenic and although in person they may just be pretty, the camera may make them appear beautiful. Then you have the reverse--a really beautiful girl who may look only passable. The same is true in the case of boys. Boys change so much especially at the age of shidduchim. Some may be growing a beard; some may have bad skin, or the picture was taken at an inopportune moment.

A picture has another chisaron: When one meets a person one gets a certain impression at first sight but then the person starts talking and one gets drawn into the character of the person, how interesting they are or how warm, or funny etc. so even if the first look was only homely and not handsome, once one is drawn into the character of the person physical impressions lessen. When one sees only a picture the only thing that remains is the physical impression.

A picture cannot talk; it cannot show the true essence of the person. One could chv"sh reject a shidduch because a picture is less than half the person.

Another compelling reason not to pay attention only to physical beauty is that through life we all change. The years shape us in many different ways. If the main attraction was physical beauty, what will the marriage hinge on once this aspect is not what it was in the past? Therefore, although we all agree that "attraction" is necessary, this does not always depend on the physical attributes of a person.