Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Time to start

Once you have established that your child is ready to start looking, you need to open a dialogue with your S/D to discuss shiduchim, priorities, needs etc. Which parent will have this conversation with the young man or woman depends on your family dynamics. Sometimes, one parent has a better relationship with a S/D than the other. Let that parent broach the subject.
It could be that the parent that “takes care” of shiduchim is not the appropriate parent to have a heart-to-heart with the kalah meidel or chosen bocher. Let the other parent have the conversation and pass on the results. In the event a child has issues with both parents, a mashpia or other person close to the child should be asked to step in and have this conversation with him or her.
Just because there are strained relations between the child and the parents does not mean the parents should abdicate responsibility for this very important issue. If they cannot deal with it directly, they are responsible to ensure that others help their child navigate the churning sea of shidduchim.
Even if you live on shlichus in a far or isolated place, you have to make the effort to help your son or daughter. Make the first call to the Shadchan or to friends and family in a more populated area. Do not make your child do this on his/her own. They need your guidance no matter how independent they seem!
Keep in touch with all those involved by phone, email or snail mail, whatever you prefer. Show your child that you are concerned about their welfare and that you are following the matter closely.
The responsibility of success does not lie only on their young inexperienced shoulders.
The Rebbe writes in Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p.314, that it is the parents responsibility and, in particular, it is incumbent on the father to arrange the marriage of his daughter. In Vol. XI, p. 226, the Rebbe mentions that it is the father’s obligation to marry off a son.Do not postpone looking for a shiduch for your child. The Rebbe repeatedly told young people not to wait to get married. The time may never be perfectly right, and then, too many years may have passed, and it becomes much more difficult.•

Introduction

A Story

Once upon a time in Galicia, Poland a beautiful bride was waiting for her Chosson to come to the wedding.

Due to a series of unavoidable events, the Chosson and Kallah had never met.

She knew her parents only wanted the best for her, and that he was a very learned and pious man, so she waited in trepidation and expectation.
Finally a carriage pulled up and she stared intently trying to catch her first sight of her Chosson. As he stepped out of the carriage she saw her future husband for the first time.

Unfortunately she categorically refused to marry him! Her Chosson might be pious, and learned and all the things her parents wished for her, but she would not marry a cripple!!!

Her parents, the Rov and all who could influence her were called on to try and change her mind, to no avail. Finally the Chosson himself begged for 5 minutes alone with his Kallah.

After five minutes, the Kallah came out smiling, and ready for the wedding.

It is told that the Chosson told his Kallah that, forty days before the embryo is formed a bas kol goes out and announces 'so and so will marry so and so.'" When he heard the Bas Kol announcing the birth of his future Kallah, he asked to be zoche to see her. He was shown a beautiful girl who was afflicted with a terrible limp. The Chosson then davened that he should be the one afflicted with the limp, not his beautiful Kallah.

When the kallah heard this she immediately agreed to marry him.

Who was this couple? Rebbe Chaim of Sanz* and his wife Rochel.

[*Rabbi Chaim Halberstam of Sanz [1793 - 10 Nissan 1876] was the first Rebbe of the Sanz-Klausenberg dynasty. He is famous for his extraordinary dedication to the mitzvah of tzedaka and also as a renowned Torah scholar; his voluminous and wide-ranging writings were all published under the title Divrei Chaim.]