Compatibility

I have written that couples must be compatible have common interests etc. That is all true but I wonder if we really understand what compatible means. Sometimes a couple that is composed of an avowed republican and an avowed democrat, one who loves nature and one who cannot be away from civilization, one who loves to read and one who would not pick up a book if paid are actually a better match than the couple who goes camping together and has exactly the same interests. The reason is that as important as similar interests are the same values shared by the couple are the ikar - the important point, not whether he ever heard of Dostoyevsky.
If both share a derech of chessed, or of being careful  with mitzvos, or of living life besimcha, or a belief in lerning and doing, those are all permanent things which will bind the couple together and will assure that their goals are similar and the way to those goals is with similar method. If they have values and goals in common then it does not matter if the superficial is not the same, it does not matter if he likes to take long walks and she likes to read. With good values they will each compromise and have a good marriage.

Siblings

I received an email some time ago regarding older siblings who are "holding back" younger ones.
Sometimes the siblings are very close in age, and the older one is not ready or cannot find what s/he needs.
Sometimes the ages are not close, but the first one has had no mazel for the moment. What should a parent do?

When a family has siblings who are close in age, it is expedient when possible to start looking for the older daughter/son early. This way one has more time to find him/her a shidduch, before the younger sister is ready too.

Of course, if the older sister is not ready and one sees no signs of readiness at all, it is more complicated. The situation of a younger sibling who feels caged in by her older sister is a very difficult one for the whole family, and parents in such situations should not leave any option untried. Talking to a Rov, davening, taking on additional hachlotos, saying tehilim, helping other Kallos, tzedokah, etc. Chazal tell us that the gates of tears are always open. May your efforts be recognized, and may all those who need shiduchim soon find their Zivug.

I know about the case of two sisters who are 15 months apart. Everyone always praised the younger one for her beauty, although the older was just as pretty, although in a different way. The parents started looking for her in the middle of Sem Aleph and she got engaged in the middle of her Sem Beis year. Then the second one got married right after.

Unfortunately as they say "man proposes and G-d Disposes" or "man tracht und G-t Lacht". If one part of the couple is not ready, our plans do not work out, but we should not start off being pessimistic. If we look for the right things, minimize our list to the max, and make ourselves the best keily we can be (do our hishtadlus) then most of the time we will be successful.

There are differences in how one deals with girls or boys. To everyone who is in this position, please consult a Rov. Present the whole case to the Rov: how old the older sibling(s) is; how long and what efforts were made to marry them off; the age of the younger sibling(s) who is ready to go; the reasons why the family believe that sibling should go first, etc.

I am going to quote some of the Rebbe’s letters on this subject from Eternal Joy (published by Sichos in English). As you can see--although the Rebbe mentions in the majority of the letters that the younger one can go ahead if certain conditions are met, the Rebbe also says in another letter that the siblings should marry in order of age. Therefore, consult with Daas Torah and do not decide on your own as you are not an objective observer and could come to an erroneous conclusion.

In these letters the Rebbe speaks about sisters, and the Rebbe tells the parents to go slowly ahead with the shidduch of the younger sibling:

“In reply to your letter in which you notify me that a fine shidduch is being suggested for your younger daughter tichyeh, a shidduch that is finding favor by all, but your older daughter tichyeh is not yet married, and you ask my opinion in this matter: You should [first] obtain your older daughter's assent regarding this matter and her forgiveness regarding her sister preceding her in a shidduch. The kishurei hatena'im [of your younger daughter] should be celebrated in a restrained manner, and there should not be too much of a rush to make an early wedding. May it be G-d's will that in the interim your older daughter will find her mate, one that is fitting for her both materially and spiritually, and you will be able to inform me of glad tidings twice over. We do not know the wondrous ways of Divine Providence. It is possible that your older daughter's overcoming her natural inclination to envy her sister and forgiving her [for preceding her in a shidduch] with a perfect heart and true joy, will remove the final obstacle and impediment, and she will find her shidduch very speedily. With blessings that the kishurei hatena'im of your younger daughter take place in a good and auspicious hour, and that you speedily be able to transmit the glad tidings of the kishurei hatena'im of your elder daughter tichyeh.”

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IV, p. 197)

“In reply to your question about the marriage of the younger sister before the older one: Presently, during the time of the four-fold darkness of Ikvesah deMeshicha, when the "Son of David" [i.e., Mashiach] will arrive [only] after all the souls will descend from the "Storehouse of Souls" known as Guf, then if the older sister will forgive [her younger sister] with complete forgiveness, this matter [of her getting married first] has been permitted [by our Sages]. It would be advisable that this forgiveness be in writing or take place in front of two witnesses. Understandably, all this applies only if the young man is G-d-fearing, etc. It would also be appropriate that in addition to the forgiveness, the younger sister as well as the parents set aside some money for the wedding expenses of the elder sister, to be utilized when she becomes engaged in a good and auspicious hour.”

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XV, p. 326)

But in the following letter the Rebbe sees that in this case the situation merits that the younger sibling wait:

“In reply to your letter of Monday, in which you write that up until now a shidduch has not come up for your older daughter, and a shidduch is presently being suggested for your younger daughter: You are to exert yourself to find a proper shidduch for your older daughter - it is known of the many places in which our Sages, of blessed memory, have spoken about the tremendous responsibility that lies on the father to find an appropriate shidduch for his daughters. Since our Nesi'im have been exacting with regard to the verse, "This is not done ... to give away the younger [sister] before the older [sister];" therefore, only afterwards [i.e., only after you find a shidduch for your older daughter], should you seek a shidduch for your younger daughter.”

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VII, p. 269)

Consider who you are talking to.

When doing research, consider who you are talking to.

If you are talking to a close friend of yours who also knows the other side, then you are on more even ground, as you know what their standards are and how they judge, and you can put the answers in a proper prospective. I

f you do not know the person you are calling for information, be careful what weight you put on the answers. If something you hear is raising a flag, ask specific questions to clarify what you are hearing, you may have misunderstood or the person at the other end meant something different. It is much easier to clarify things right away, rather that later. Also, do not automatically say no. Do further research on that one point until you are very sure that the facts are true, and it is something undesirable to you.

Some other possible questions: What is their connection to the Rebbe? What part does the Rebbe play in their lives? (this is not a “meshichist” or “anti” question). Are the parents hands on parents or more laissez faire. Was there sholom bayis in their home? Do they have a lot of emotional baggage? Is she open-minded? ( what does open minded mean to you?) Is the family open-minded? Are they straightforward and honest, or is there a hidden agenda, and you don’t really know their intentions? Are they open to change, or do they dread it? How do they act with strangers: are they respectful with all kinds of people, janitors, cleaning ladies, shopkeepers, kids, secretaries yidden and goyim etc.? Are they a ‘good listener’? Are they always thinking of the next project, or do they take time to really give you their whole attention? Do they set attainable goals or just castles in the sky? Do they go with the flow, or do they know where they are going? Do they have a mashpia? Do they follow advice or prefer their own counsel? What is their conversation like? Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Centuries ago, Machiavelli (Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli born in 1469 and diplomat and adviser to the Medici family, known for his work “The Prince” and Discourses on Livy) noted in “The Prince”: “The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by things that seem, than by those that are.” Or as Rabbi Yehudah HaNossi (the prince) used to say: “Al tistakel b’kankan elah b’ma sheyeysh bo.” Don’t look at the flask, but at its contents.

More ???

• Does she have an even temperament.

Give examples of what you mean- (subjective question).

Is she moody, one minute having a smiling disposition and the next upset or angry. Often moodiness may be a warning sign of other more serious problems.

• Does she have a temper?

This one can be combines with the previous question although they are not really the same. Temper was discussed at length in a previous article regarding boys’ questions. Not only boys have tempers. Girls can have them too. Find out how she acts when angered. Does she sulk, hold grudges? Does she retreat into offended dignity for ages? Does it quickly blown over, etc.?

A woman's anger is generally less intimidating than a man’s; therefore often, one does not consider this an important point, but it is good to know if a girl is prone to outbursts or is generally even-tempered.

Think of how your son's temperament is and direct the question as counterpoint. If your son has a very long fuse and does not anger easily, then someone who is more volatile may be ok, but if he has a short fuse and so does she, it might lead to too many sparks.

• Question: Is she neat, organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question).

Some boys must have neatness around them in order to feel relaxed or even to be able to think calmly. Others can function in the middle of a tornado. Some people are very organized in their thoughts; therefore, the chaos around them does not affect them as much, but for people whose thought processes are not so organized, having neatness and a seder around is essential. If you, the mother, are very conscientious in your cleaning and would not dream to leave a dish in the sink before going to bed no matter how tired you are, find out if that is a quality your son values or if he barely notices. If the wife of such a boy is more concerned with having a warm house (warmkeit in yiddish not warm as in heat) than a spotless house, will this engender discord among the couple?

• Question: Is she careful with tznius?

It is a sad fact that we as a community are not as careful with tznius as we once were. Because we work closely with people in all stages of kiruv, we are anesthetized against seeing something problematic in tznius. We accept that people will go around without stockings in the summer, or wear skirts that are short with slits or barely cover the knees and collars that are a little too open, and so on and so forth.

This is also due to our openness to the world at large: we are bombarded by ads and magazines and goyishe ideals that have nothing to do with our ideal of beauty or modesty.

It is also a question of education. For whatever reason, if one mentions the word tznius in conversation, it is taboo just like religion and politics; it is bound to raise animosity and resistance.

In reality, tznius is a beautiful thing. It is a well of self confidence that women and girls have that enables us to dress in a pleasant and pleasing way and still retain our dignity, our regal worth. It allows us to feel well-dressed and au-currant without running after every twitch and twist of the fashion world. It enables us to be appreciated for who we are and not for what we wear.

So to get back to our question, we have a lot of different levels in our neighborhood, and I have come across the fact that an eminently suitable girl will be rejected because her hems are too high or she does not wear stockings. The decision to look more fashionable so that she attracts the right attention, or some would say to be more comfortable, is preventing a great girl from making a good shidduch. We are letting our standards slip, and it is not beneficial in any way.

So, if your son is concerned that his wife wear the right length and be stricter with her tznius, this question should be asked. And it should be asked also when your son does not have a personal opinion at this point, but you do not wish your daughter-in-law to sit across from you at your table dressed in an unsuitable manner. This encompasses a whole other topic of course, and I know a lot of people will be riled up (did I not write it is like talking politics where no one can agree?), but I find it incomprehensible how young couples can so blatantly insult parents in their own home.

• Question: Is she fashion-conscious, obsessed?

All we want to know is if she is obsessed by fashion and must always try the latest styles or does she dress stylishly but have other areas of interest besides the latest color in vogue. I knew someone who was very difficult to talk to because her world revolved around clothes and fashion.

For the right boy such a girl is eminently suitable. Her kids will always be dressed to the nines and her house will be a showplace.

• Is the family a close knit family?

This question matters to some people and is totally irrelevant to others. Sometimes your family loves the match suggested but may have some issues with a close relative. In such a case, you might want to know in advance how close the family is. It should not make a difference to the shidduch if other more important things are fine, but it is good to know.

Another reason for the question is, for example, if your family is very tight and always spend Yomim Tovim together, this answer gives you a heads up to how much you will have to share. If both families are close you will have to juggle visits and reunions. When only one side is close knit it might be difficult for the other to understand why s/he is always on the phone with their family, or is always visiting and so on.

• Is she sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. (subjective question)

This question might have gotten an answer when you asked about temperament. If not, it is an essential question as you should know if the girl is introverted or very outgoing (to mention two extremes). Don’t match a very social and outgoing person with a homebody who would rather stay home with a sefer than go out and visit. It will not really draw out the shy partner. It will make it a point of contention between the two if one is always wishing to go out and the other wants to spend the evening relaxing at home. If one side is a little more friendly and gregarious than the other, the one will draw the other one out some. As long as they are not at the polar opposites they will influence their partner a bit, but when the differences are too far apart then they will only get on each others nerves. Naturally, there are always exceptions, but before you think you are one of those exceptions, consider well.

Calling for References

When you call, you should have a list of specific questions.
In order to receive good answers, direct questions are a must. A written list of questions is necessary. You may think that you know in your mind what questions you wish to have answered, but during a conversation, it is easy to get sidetracked and distracted, and then forget to find out about important points.
With a written list you can check off the questions as they get answered. Take notes of the answers. Ask the person to give you a second as you are taking notes. Even if you have a good memory, it is easy to forget the details. Even more, it is useful to write the exact words (adjectives) you hear, so your mind does not supply its own interpretation of what you heard.

It is easy to be influenced without realizing it. If the person on the other end of the phone is enthusiastic about the prospect, one is easily carried along by the enthusiasm and may interpret what one hears subjectively. If we write the exact words, we can review the conversation without that influence. Although, (yes, I am being contrary) impressions should be noted as well.

Asking what can you tell me about so and so is not an answerable question. First of all as explained previously one can only answer questions that are specific in nature and not general questions. I will give examples of specific questions in a separate blog.

I also believe in making the calls myself and not having another person call for me. This is my personal preference because when you listen to someone’s description, often you can hear between the lines what they are not saying. The tone of voice will give you pointers. The pauses, the type of adjectives used will tell you more than just “Merriam-Webster’s” definition.

For example, you call someone and after the first few awkward explanations, the conversation takes a warmer tone. The person genuinely likes the one you are discussing, and it comes through in the tone of their voice. Or someone is not very familiar with them, so they may sound hesitant. Someone may describe the person as “nice”, “pleasant”, etc. These are “milquetoast” (tame) adjectives, too bland to describe someone who certainly has some admirable characteristics.

The exception to calling references yourself is if the young man or lady calls for herself. That is a much more difficult call. It would be preferred if at all possible that a mashpia or good (married, older) friend make the calls for the one involved. Aside from the reticence involved in asking information for oneself, and the reciprocal reticence of not wanting to tell the person directly involved less than laudatory information, there is the stress of finding out again and again that the name suggested is very far from the requested ideal. Finding out again and again that the proposed shidduch is only a match in the very basic terms (one is a girl and one is a boy) depresses and stresses out the young man or young lady making the calls.

I know of a mashpia who told his mushpa to pass along to him all the names he is offered and he would make the calls. If anything appropriate was suggested then he would pass back the name.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Checkmate!

I hope you have all checked out the two website I have written about. Leave no stone unturned, as they say. Try every method available (according to Daas Torah), in order to find the match for your single. Even try the much reviled shadchonim :D .

Before continuing let me backtrack a moment. It is hard to initiate conversation with your son, daughter about the subject of shidduchim. It is difficult to find the right moment when there are no distraction and when your son or daughter is willing to sit and talk on the subject. In fact I was asked just that question, how do you tie down your chossen bocher or kallah maidel to talk about this very important subject? How about making an appointment with your son and daughter? Set a time and a place and state in clear terms that just like any other appointment, this one too should be honored and not dismissed because something more interesting has come up.

Here is an idea to make that conversation go more smoothly:

“Admits mistakes?” What am I looking for a malach or a husband?!
This is one of the comments I heard while playing a game called “Checkmate”.
I first heard of this game in an article forwarded to me by the ever-alert and multi-talented CHJCC receptionist Penina Metal. It purported to help in the choice of the right middos needed in a prospective mate. Naturally, the game caught my attention.

It is a fact that so many parents and future Chassanim and Kallos look for the externals such as money and looks; therefore, anything that would focus a person on the search for middos was welcome.
I read the article, but although intriguing, it did not give me as clear a picture as I had hoped, so I called the innovative author of the game herself, Rebbetzin Chaya Ginzberg, (“Road Signs for Success”), a lecturer, and a high school and seminary teacher.

During our conversation, I discovered that this game is much more than just a “shiduchim game”. It lends itself to almost any interpersonal relationship. Friends, single and married ladies, parents and children, or married couples can play the game and gain some insight.
What is more, the game has its origins right here in Crown Heights!

Rebbetzin Ginzberg explained that she is good friends with our own inimitable Mrs. Miryam Swerdlov. At a convention some time ago, Mrs Swerdlov played a game a lot of our Crown Heights residents are familiar with: it is called “The Game of Priorities”. Mrs. Swerdlov has played this game with girls in camp, with ladies at conventions and retreats, and at workshops. Everyone who played had a great time and came away with a better knowledge of what is really essential in their lives.

Is Yiras Shomayim more important than live-in-help? If you had to choose only one, what would it be? Is satisfaction at work less or more important than being a good example to your children?

This is a game that makes you think about what is truly important in your life and makes you more appreciative of what you do have. The enjoyment aspect of the game is just an added bonus.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg with Mrs.Swerlov’s permission adapted this game to focus more on middos alone, rather than general necessities such as owning a luxury car, paying dental bills, or having a well-paying job for your husband, and she marketed it for the public. She felt it was a way to give hashkafa in an easy and enjoyable way. I believe she succeeded. This particular version of the game is made to be marketed to the world at large, and therefore, it is relatively “parev”.

There are 56 cards in the deck. Most are middos. Some are personality traits, and some are inclinations. The object of the game is to hold on to 7 cards. Depending on the question asked at the beginning of the game, those cards could describe the qualities you are looking for in a future spouse, the qualities you wish to develop in your children, or the qualities you see in your husband, etc.

I am not familiar with card games as I never considered playing cards to be much of a Jewish activity, but I am certainly hooked on this game. Seven cards are distributed to the players. One desk is fine for 2 to 6 players. If you play with a large group, play with multiple decks.
The deck is put in the middle, face down, and each player takes a card and then discards one. When a player discards an unwanted card, it lays face up next to the deck. If the next player wants that card, they can take it, or they can take one from the deck. At the end of the game everyone is left with 7 cards.

In Mrs Swerdlov’s game one discards before one picks. Here the instructions say you pick before you discard. I have come to the conclusion that it is a more effective game if you are forced to choose what you discard before you pick the next card. After all, it is like life--you do not always know what is coming, but you know what you have on hand. Ultimately, it’s your choice. The rules are not written in stone. Play according to what in your opinion is the most effective way.

I played with my son who is now B:H engaged, and our goal was to see how close I was to his priority list of a future Kallah.
Many of the cards in the game may encompass others in their meaning, or they may be close enough to mean the same thing. For example, there are cards such as “Kind”, Giving”, or “Generous Spirit”. If one is giving, one will most probably be kind and will have a generous spirit; therefore, only one of these cards should be retained, and the others may be discarded. Some cards are definitely middos such as “Honest”, “Fair”, “Content”, and “Sincere”. Some are derivative, character traits like “Good Manners” or “Sense of Humor”, etc. Some are inclinations such as “Musically Inclined”. One card I am not sure what category to place in. (I am sure you will know which one I mean if you see the deck!). I am pleased to report that we were both on the same page; what he was looking for is what I thought he was looking for! :)

Play to discover your own strengths and good qualities--who you are and what do you have to offer to a future spouse. Then play again to see what you are looking in a spouse and compare the two results. Do they match? Is what you offer compatible with what you are looking for? Are the qualities you are looking for compatible one with the other? Are you choosing “Drives” and “Ambition” in a “Sensitive”, “Calm” person? If you are ambitious and have drive, you are not generally calm and sensitive.

What you discard is also important. As the play goes around, your discards may be the other person’s essential requirements. Examining the reasons behind your discards will make you verbalize your feelings and make you understand better your choices. It is even better to play with a mashpia or a parent or facilitator. (Maybe shadchonim should play with you at your interview!) Defending, or to use a less confrontational verb, discussing your choices is almost an integral part of the game. During the game and after the game, you can discuss your choices and do so in the calm and happy atmosphere engendered by the game.
In fact, it may be great as a starting point for a heart-to-heart discussion with your parents or friends (what I like and appreciate in my friends), with your siblings, (what I admire about you), or with your husband.
When playing, keep in mind that many words may be unfamiliar to your fellow players and maybe to yourself. Words such as “analytical” may have to be explained. Some words may have an unimportant meaning to the other players. A word such as “sensitive”, for example, would need to be explained. How important it is that a husband is sensitive to a wife’s needs or a wife to a husband’s?
Many mistake the word "Drive" to mean driving a car. That is not what the card reppresents rather it is more : to strive vigorously toward a goal or objective; to work, play, or try wholeheartedly and with determination.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg told me that the game was even played on a date. A couple went out numerous times, but he was not a great communicator, so she was not sure about saying yes. They played the game, and she found out so many positive points about the boy that they got engaged. Now, don’t all of you carry a game with you when you go out! The game was a final push or confirmation in this case, and this is how it should be. Do not rely on a game to tell you who to marry.

The game is available at most Seforim stores in Crown Heights, Flatbush or Boro Park.

Preoccupation with appearance

Every Friday night we all say Shlomo Hamelech's words, "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy, Isha Yirat Hashem Hi Titshalul." – ‘Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, a woman who fears G-d, she is praiseworthy.’

Now is the time to apply these words to our life. For both girls and boys, appearance should not be primary. Middos should be the main emphasis. If we do put emphasis on these external things, we are really saying that Shlomo Hamelech's words are not true.

Chazal has a very inspiring interpretation on this verse: It is true that "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy," 'Chen' (charm) is false and 'Yofi' (beauty) is vain, but when "Isha Yirat Hashem" when a woman has Yirat Shamayim, then even chein and yofi even her charm and beauty are worthy of praise.

We are letting the perception of the world around us influence us to a major degree. Why do we let the goyishe world influence our choices especially when these choices are so far reaching and important? Even the goyishe world recognizes that only 5% of the population resembles the idealized version of beauty that the models peddle.

With the preoccupation with appearance, we are also driving our girls to Chas V'shalom ruin their health for such a transient mania. And what do these boys gain? After one or two children, no woman looks the same as she did as a girl, even if she manages to retain a figure.

Externals are helpful for first impressions; beyond that, if the qualities are there, externals are less relevant. One should not be put off by the other's appearance, that is a given, but to overemphasize looks is basing a lasting commitment on a temporary foundation.

Over and over I hear that it is the mothers that influence the boys in wanting girls in mannequin sizes. While the mothers cry that it is the sons who will not go out with anyone other than a "size 2". Incidentally, someone made the very valid comment that if you ask a boy who is a "size 2" most of the time he will point out an 8 or a 10. They really B"H do not know what "size 2" are, and are only parroting others.

I am sure there are some mothers who insist on a particular size or look and there are some boys who specify externals, but even more so, we as mothers must start early enough to inculcate in our children that it is middos that are important, that it is the pnimius that we are looking for. We must show by example that we believe what Rabbi Meir says in Pirkei Avos: “Al tistakel b'kankan ela b'ma, sh'yesh bo” or as we say in English: ‘Do not judge a book by its cover.’ If we have done our job well, then our children, both boys and girls, will not tell us they will not go out with anything more than a size 6. They will ask first what are the qualities this person has.

Therefore let us start changing the way WE see things and start influencing our children to look for the right things.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

There is a cute true story about “beauty in the eye of the beholder” or “Al taam vareach, ein lehitvakeach.”

A shadchente was trying to fulfill the wishes of a boy who wanted to go out only with the most beautiful girl. So she set him up with a number of very pretty girls and he refused all of them. At the end of her rope she looked through her files again and saw the only possibility left was a girl that even euphemistically you could not call beautiful. She suggested it anyway, nothing else was available.

Well, he went out with the girl and called the shadchente as soon as he came home. “Why did you take so long to suggest this girl, she’s perfect, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world!”

Please realize a picture means absolutely nothing. Someone who is average looking may appear truly beautiful by virtue of their character after further acquaintance. It is a cliché because it is true.
Some people are very photogenic and although in person they may just be pretty, the camera may make them appear beautiful. Then you have the reverse--a really beautiful girl who may look only passable. The same is true in the case of boys. Boys change so much especially at the age of shidduchim. Some may be growing a beard; some may have bad skin, or the picture was taken at an inopportune moment.

A picture has another chisaron: When one meets a person one gets a certain impression at first sight but then the person starts talking and one gets drawn into the character of the person, how interesting they are or how warm, or funny etc. so even if the first look was only homely and not handsome, once one is drawn into the character of the person physical impressions lessen. When one sees only a picture the only thing that remains is the physical impression.

A picture cannot talk; it cannot show the true essence of the person. One could chv"sh reject a shidduch because a picture is less than half the person.

Another compelling reason not to pay attention only to physical beauty is that through life we all change. The years shape us in many different ways. If the main attraction was physical beauty, what will the marriage hinge on once this aspect is not what it was in the past? Therefore, although we all agree that "attraction" is necessary, this does not always depend on the physical attributes of a person.

A Word About Pictures:

A practice that has become almost inescapable of late is the request for a picture.

When my oldest daughter got married, it was not so common. In fact, unless the shidduch was out of town and one could not meet the prospective chosson or kallah, one did not ask for a picture. The shadchan might but not the parents. Today, it is almost the first question. Some parents and young people will not begin research without a picture of the prospective Chosson or Kallah.

Please realize that pictures unfortunately are not a true representation of the person depicted therein.

Forget about “photoshop-ing” a picture. There are so many programs to tweak pictures that any neophyte can make a mediocre picture look great. But that is not the main problem. A very pretty girl was going out, and on the second date the bochur told her she looked nothing like her picture. A picture is representative of a person, and it can be a true likeness as it was in this case. Even though he thought he was meeting a certain person based on the picture, in reality she was so much more and yet different in other ways. If you must request a picture and the other party refuses, do not throw out an otherwise promising shidduch because of it. And if you usually refuse to give pictures but your counterpart must have one, bend your rules and send one. There is a situation when we ask a bochur to travel to another city, or our child goes for a week somewhere just for the purpose of shiduchim and must prioritize who they go out with because of time concerns, in such a case a picture could have a place. Why invest time and money into a visit that will surely be non-productive. But, when you or your child sees the picture unless it is totally not a face you can live with, (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) please, please think beyond the first impression.

Give and Take

Yiddishkeit believes in giving: Klal Yisroel are responsible one for the other. We give tzedokah. We look out for each other. We try not to talk Loshon Hora and hurt others. We do Hachnasos Orchim and so on.

The world at large lives by a diametrically opposite mantra: "What's in it for me?"

If Chv”sh we go into shiduchim with a "What's in it for me?" attitude we better think again, and change our philosophy. By making the list, we get a chance to reflect with our child on what they need, and weigh their requests to see how much "take" there is in them.

When a person gives the other one takes. All Yidden wish to give more than to take. Yidden are Gomlei Chasodim after all.

I heard a story during a lecture that illustrates this give and take. After one of the horrific bombings in Yerushalayim, a neighbor of a family that was on the bus took on the task of helping them out with meals, babysitting and general help during the time the family was recuperating from the injuries of the terrorist attack. The mother of the injured family repeatedly tried to give something back to the benefactors but they would not hear about it. Finally just before the benefactors had to travel to the US the injured family was able to convince their benefactors to accept dinner before their departure. The injured family send a full meal over from soup to nuts as they say.

Only after the benefactor saw the effort that the injured family put into this dinner did they realized how hard it had been for them to accept all the help and not be able to give back!

That chazal tell us is why the Aibishter asks for us to do Mitzvos so we can get rewarded. When one earns one's way it is infinitely more satisfying.

So too in marriage, it is not healthy if one side feels s/he is always giving and the other is always receiving. Both partners have to learn when to give and when to receive.

Our children must be ready to give of themselves selflessly to build a marriage, but they have to know what qualities they need in their partner that will complement theirs. They will divide their responsibilities and their goals according to their individual strength and weeknesses and will support and encourage each other. That is why they must make a cheshbon nefesh and come to understand themselves better, before embarking on a shidduch search.

They should think: "I have this quality which will be employed in the most positive way if my spouse has this other quality." This is very difficult to do, don’t we all try on Yom Kippur to do a cheshbon nefesh and resolve to improve in the coming year? How often are we really accurate in judging ourselves? I am sure the percentage for the regular person is pretty low, so how can we ask our young children to do this?

We can help them by being there for them and by helping them with our insight to figure out their nature and needs. And if we need help? There is nothing wrong, but much good, to be found in asking the help of a mashpia, a mechanech or mechaneches who knows our child well.

Keep in mind and tell your child that the end result is not a shopping list. We cannot always find every single item that we want. And even in the rare cases where one does, marriage takes work from both sides. Only if both partners put effort in the marriage will it be successful. Marriage is work, but we can make it as pleasant as possible if both sides are willing to GIVE.

Here are some adjectives for your list that might ring a bell for you:
Emotionally stable, hard-working, charitable, even-tempered, born leader, generous, flexible, agreeable, ‘aidel’, strong-willed, outgoing, patient, reserved, playful, humorous, kind, meticulous, low-key, energetic, stable, sensitive, resilient, ambitious, perceptive, open-minded.

Our requirements or our children requirements

For the past few weeks I have been writing about making a list. It might sound obsessive, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to start a shidduch search after having narrowed down and isolated the non-negotiable character traits that our children cannot live without.

First of all with the list, our children have provided us with clear black and white directions on what is necessary for them to build a Beis Neeman B'Yisroel. As explained earlier at length, we as parents were fully involved in the list-making, so we're now on the same page as our kids.

This list will help us tell the shadchonim, our family members, our friends, and our entire network precisely what we are looking for.

It may be compared to going to a trade show where there are hundreds of vendors. Some vendors we must see; some we will pass by if we have time, and others we can skip altogether. We only have 6 hours at the show, so our time is precious. We look at the catalog of the show and plot our way, listing all the vendors we must visit in their order of importance. Subsequently, we list the ones we would like to see if we have time. Now with our plan, we will accomplish the most we can in the time we have.

Similarly, we do not want to go aimlessly looking for a "good" boy or girl. We want to be specific, and we want the search to be as quickly and as easily accomplished as Hashgocha protis lets us do it. Therefore, yes, it is a painstaking job, and it will take quite some time. It may be acrimonious at times until we all agree on the goals we are all working for, but it is absolutely and unequivocally necessary to do this at the beginning. Furthermore, when our child will go out on their first date, they will have a frame of reference to see how close the date came to what they really are looking for.
How many of those indispensable character traits were matched?
What additional pleasing traits did they find?
Which trait can be compromised on?
The list becomes a signpost to our destination, and anyone who has driven in a strange city where the streets are not well marked, knows exactly how helpful clear directions are.

A caveat to us parents at this point. We wish the best for our children, and often they will pleasantly surprise us with what they can accomplish or with what direction they want to take.

The shidduch is theirs; the life is theirs, and the Bais they will build is theirs. I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating, the list has to be of their requirements, not of ours. The character traits have to match our children characters and goals, not ours. If the list we have arrived at reflects more our wishes than theirs, we have wasted our time and theirs.

I have spoken to mothers who when asked what they were looking for in a shidduch for their child would say “What I am looking for or my son/daughter is looking for?” Is that a question?

Of course what you child is looking for, you are married already! Let us have parents-child communication! Let us hope this was built into the parent-child relationship from when they were little, because at this point in time it is essential. Know what you child wants, direct and advise them, but what they want is foremost.

I personally know of a case where the parents on both sides liked each other so well that they did not even look at how compatible their children were. The important thing was to be mechutonim. I do not have to tell you how that marriage turned out.

The Perfect Mate

Make sure when you discuss with your S/D what they want in a mate that such a spouse actually exist.

A thought to ponder: “I spent my life looking for the perfect woman, and I finally found her....but she was looking for the perfect man.”

Someone who wants a partner who is giving, sensitive, ambitious and decisive, will rarely find such a person. Sensitive, decisive and ambitious rarely come together. They may not realize how their wishes contradict one another. This makes fulfilling those wishes impossible because no such combination exists. Or if it does exist, it is extremely rare. Therefore the qualities our children choose for their spouses have to make up a real person.

Imagine a face made up by a very skilled surgeon with the best eye shape and nose shape and mouth, cheekbones etc. Just because each individual feature is the "best" or the most admired by the world at that time, this does not mean that the face will be beautiful. Sometimes we see in magazines people who have changed their nose, and they looked better before!

Our children should not pick and choose random qualities . Rather, based on their own characteristics, they should come up with a possible real person.

Another contradiction is when our children look for someone very chassidish that is totally immersed in learning but who will not mind if they go out to movies or have all kinds of magazines around the house or maybe a TV in the closet. It is not reasonable to expect a chassidishe bochur to accept that. What about the influence on future children. One cannot change at the drop of a hat.
I have heard girls say that they will stop watching videos or going to movies when they are expecting. Or that they will only watch when the husband is not home. That is not reasonable.
It is not the movie alone that is the problem, it is the entire atmosphere and way of thinking that comes into the house with it. So, if she wants to be able to do that, look for a boy who is able to accept that and realize that he will not be the most chassidish of boys. He cannot be.

In some cases when your child goes out, they might choose someone who is different from the person he/she had on paper. This may happen because the list was not based on the realistic needs of the child but more on wishful thinking. Your S/D should look at their own qualities and base their list on complementary aspects for his/her partner.

Sometimes a person thinks that they will change their prospective mate. They do not realize that both will change in the course of their marriage but not fundamentally. If our child does not like a particular characteristic, they will not be able to eradicate it. If they like a particular quality, they will be able to enhance it. Never go ahead with a marriage with the thought that you will change your partner.

Back to list making

When compiling this list, your Son/Daughter, should look at themselves and figure out what are their talents and best character traits. It will be much easier to articulate who they are looking for once they know themselves better.

We should be concious of the fact that it is very hard to know oneself and realize our own merits and demerits. Adults find this hard to do, vertainly our adolescents will find it much harder.

They may not realize how good they are at solving problems, or that they are peacemakers, great with children, or are very sensible. They may belittle their own talents and take them for granted. Encourage them to realize how much they have accomplished and to figure our what direction they want to take with their lives.

What are their goals, and are those goals realistic and compatible with their talents? Which talents do they want to develop further. Discuss the goals they have for their future, and by extension the goals they see for the family they want to build.

Both Chosson and Kallah must have similar goals and values for the family they will build IY”H. Their understanding of what is meaningful to them should be similar. If he wants to be a Chazan, and she hates Chazonus, there might be serious issues to overcome, especially when he is not home on Rosh Hashana or if he practices at home and she cannot stand hearing him do scales for example.

If this one wants to go on shlichus and this one wants to pursue a career, etc. Each set of circumstances comes with its baggage, and both parties must be ready to accept it. If your daughter wants a boy that will go on shlichus, she has to know that there will be sacrifices she will have to make. She may encounter hardships —real ones, not no pizza on Motzaei Shabbos!

It is more difficult these days to find Shlichus positions, and going on shlichus might entail starting a Chabad house in a new city. That has its own challenges and needs a particular character and talent.

All this has to be discussed. When our girls write they want someone who will go on shlichus, do they realize all the qualities that a person has to have to succeed? All the input they themselves will have to give? Do not use the phrase "going on shlichus" for a shortcut to a certain type of bochur. Spell it out.

Some girls, and boys as well, say they are looking for shlichus but what they are really saying is they want to be away from their parents, they want to be indipendent. Some girls say they want a boy who will go on shlichus when they mean they want a boy who is learning and serious about it. If that is the case say so!

Remember that couples who go on shlichus do so because they wish it with all their might and work hard to get a place. If you are "wishi washi" about it and not 110% dedicated you will not go on shlichus. In such a case you have dimished your chances of finding the right person and accomplished nothing. 

There are many boys out there who are over 23 and tired of doing nothing because they wait for their shidduch. Some go teach, some go learn a profession, some work. Many working boys are chassidish, have steady chavrusas, have good middos, are intellingent and good natured and all the good qualities one may want but because they are working they do not get the opportunity that a less qualified bocher has because he is sitting on a chair in 770.

Don't misunderstand. To those bochrim who are sincerely learning and utilizing their time before getting married to get in as much intense learning as they can now, because they know once married they will have responsibilities, kol hakavod. That is how it should be. But many do not have the "sitz fleish" for it, they do not have the drive, or whatever other reason. They just sit and half heartedly learn because it is the thing to do.

So to conclude: if you are looking for shlichus, sincerely and wholeheartedly, go ahead and stand by your decision. Find the bocher that will match your determination and I am sure you will be great shluchim. If you are just using "going on shlichus" as a buzword, then rearrange your thoughts, look at what qualities you are really looking for in a shidduch and spell them out. Then look at the bochrim that have those qualities, whether they are working or not.

What does go on this list then?

If we have already sat down and talked to our child as previously mentioned, and if we (ourselves as parents and our children) have been able to articulate the qualities, talents and needs (not wants) of our child, then this should not be such a difficult task.

It is necessary to keep the list down to only 6 or 7 items.

• A young lady once told me she would put on the list that the boy be a non-smoker. For her this was obligatory; she would get physically sick at the smell of stale cigarettes. A good number of girls mentioned they want someone who is straight in their dealings with others. He does not make “shtick” he does not “drei”.

I was surprised by that. It did not occur to me when I got married, and my daughters did not think of that when they got married. But times change, and our girls are now concerned that their chosson be honest and straight, with them and with others.

• Another common item on the list is “chassidish”. That is too general of a term to use on this list. Do we know how our child defines Chassidish? Is the way we define it and their interpretation the same? Be specific about what chassidish means to you and your child. This way you can explain what level of chassidish you are looking for when you speak to a shadchan.

• The same thing apples with the description “mentch”. Who is a mentch in your eyes? Is it someone who is thoughtful of others? Is it someone who is responsible? Polite? What constitutes a mentch for you?

• Some families will put on this list “meshichist” or “non-meshichist”. If you are sure that it must be, then list it, but unless it is a very heavy issue for the family, concentrate more on middos rather than “political” affiliation.

• Similar bakgrounds and upbringing, is one of the things that should be considered. Your S/D needs to be on the same “wavelength” as their prospective partner, and they need to be able to understand each other.They may live in two different cities or countries or continents but the families have similar values and outlook.
  

When our Bubbes and Zeides got married their parents knew the families, or their relative knew the families. In the limited world of the shtetl or even in the relatively limited environment of the city, everyone knew almost everyone. Even here in Crown Heights, when our parents grew up, everyone knew everyone.

It was common to marry someone from ones own village or from a relative’s village. Upbringing was similar; tastes and experiences were similar; goals were sometime basic, but they were always along similar lines.

What Are You Looking For?

A parent may think they have an idea of what their child needs and likes.

They could be totally wrong.

You need to sit down with your child and discuss what each of you wants.
It may sound facetious but think of it as it is sung in “Fiddler on the Roof”: “For papa, make him a scholar. For mama as rich as a king. For me, … if he was as handsome as anything.”

Everyone, parents and children, have requirements. Now is the time to put them on the table. When parents know exactly what the child is looking for, they will not refuse a viable shidduch because of mis-communication. This should be a reciprocal conversation between the parent or the person in loco parentis, and the child. This must not be a confrontational discussion; rather it is a brainstorming session.

Parents! Do not believe only you know best!

You should suggest or direct your child towards important points, but you have to realize that your child is the one who will get married, and therefore, your child’s requests and wishes should be seriously considered. After all, as we have discussed in previous posts, your child is now mature enough to get married, so he is mature enough to know what he wants.

Your suggestions will be welcomed by your S/D (maybe with a roll of the eyes), but the ultimate decision must be theirs. It is their life!
On the other hand, if your child is looking for the wrong type of spouse who will not complement their qualities and character, and will not take your advice, have a third party they respect, such as a mashpia, speak to them. If your S/D is still being unreasonable and will not accept advice or redirection, then maybe this child is not mature enough to approach this step, and the subject may have to be shelved until later.

It is common that new ideas have to percolate and steep sometimes before they are accepted. Give your S/D (son, daughter) time to assimilate your words. Maybe when the subject comes up again they will now see the wisdom in your suggestion and maybe even think the idea is theirs!

This dialogue is actually good practice. Our children will have to be able to see their spouse’s point of view and not remain stubbornly attached to their own opinion. This is a good lesson in compromise and a sign of their readiness for marriage. It is also a very good occasion to see the sagacity of your child. Can they maintain a serious conversation without flying into a tantrum? Can they listen - not just hear- to the other side’s statement without interrupting and then answer in a logical and well thought-out way?
Incidentally, this is a skill which many long-time married couples have not quite mastered!

Decisions reached at this point are not by any means etched in stone. They can be changed, revised, reinstated, crossed off again and again as the search for a shidduch progresses, because priorities may shift or change.

There are times when name after name comes up, and none of them seem right for your child. When that happens, it is time to re-evaluate and see if you are being too picky or too unrealistic. Look over your lists again!

All our S/Ds are precious, but we as parents should not stand in their way by putting too high of “a price” on them. It has happened more often than necessary that a parent has refused numerous appropriate shidduchim because they were not “good enough” for their S/D. This was due entirely to the parent’s inflated ideas and not based on any real fault on the part of the proposed shidduch.

When looking for a shidduch let us not get sidetracked looking specifically for wealth, beauty and other external things. We are derailing our purpose with such narrow focus.

It could be that a proposed shidduch is not a good fit. Certainly do not accept the match, but if too many offers are rejected on spurious reasons, it is time to reconsider. It could be our priorities are skewed or our objective unreasonable or nonexistent — we will discuss this further in a separate section. In such a case, an objective observer, a mashpia, or a friend of the family should be consulted for their opinion. It is best if they know both you and your child. You can then put all the facts before them: This is what we are; this is what we are looking for; this is why we have rejected previous matches. Don’t be afraid to open up and ask for help from a mashpia or a mumche in shidduchim. Your child’s future is at stake, so do not be shy -- ask for advice. It is important to be as fair as possible when we reject a shidduch. More on this important topic another time.