Non-Traditional methods

Until now the focus of these articles has been on the traditional way to find a match, a regular shidduch through a shadchan, professional or otherwise. It is becoming more common and even accepted to go though some non-traditional paths to find a shidduch as well. I will try to explore some of them.

Many articles on shidduchim bemoan the fact that shadchonim do not make the cut anymore. They are not flexible enough or not thorough enough or not involved enough.

- As an aside let me make a few comments:
1. The job of a real shadchan is very difficult, they spend time interviewing or talking to bochurim and young ladies, they make hundreds of phone calls many times without results, they put a lot of effort into an often thankless endeavor.
2. There are some shadchonim who request a payment before looking for a shidduch. If you know that these shadchonim interview prospective "clients" and try to properly match singles, (not just throw a list of names at you) then they are not being outrageous by asking some remuneration for all the time they put in on your behalf even if at the end the shidduch does not come from them. One always has the choice of not using them, but to criticize them for taking money for their time and effort is not the right thing to do.
3. Do not throw up your hands and complain about shadchonim and how they are the reason there is such a difficulty finding matches. I wrote it before and I will keep repeating it: most shidduchim come from family and friends so forget the shadchonim if you are so upset at them, but if you are smart just use it as another tool in your arsenal and don't make an issue of it.
Disclaimer: I am not a shadchan, I will counsel, try to give advice as on this blog, and I speak to groups all over the world on the subject.

I am sure you all have heard all kinds of reasons why the traditional way is not the way to go, and we are not discussing shiduchim made by friends.
Actually the traditional way is the best and ultimately the only method, but there are many who do not agree, so let us see how we can minimize problems in other methods.
Please so not consider that any of the following are what a Chassidishe bocher or Kallah meidel may try, but there are many degrees and levels of people and maybe someone who reads this is not going to try the previously discussed ways.

A way could be to try to meet girls at frum single events or shabatons, at shabbos tables or weddings etc. This means taking matters initially in one’s own hands, but it is a good idea to consequently follow up with a request to a parent or shadchan to make inquiries and find out about the person one is interested in and be an intermediary.

There are pitfalls in this method, not least of Tznius, but as long as parents or other married adults are involved from the beginning, matters may turn out well. A lot of couples who are now in their 50's and older have met in this way, and many propose that there is nothing wrong in this method because it had worked with them, or their parents, or grand-parents, etc.
What we forget maybe, is that the world was a lot bigger then. Which means that generally people met others of like mindset and upbringing, similar backgrounds etc. People were also a lot more moral and the mainstream did not have to worry about a lot of the problems we have today. Many actions were unthinkable, which these days are accepted. So we live in a much more dangerous society (to our way of life, not specifically security wise) than the society older generations lived in.

To be continued.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Internet in Shidduchim

These days many parents and young men and ladies, are turning to the internet to help with shidduchim. It is good for us parents to know and internalize the fact that there are many ways to start a shidduch, besides waiting for a shadchan to supply a name.

The vast majority of shidduchim are suggested by family and friends. In fact in these two weeks we have had 3 family lechayims and all of them were made by family.

Sometimes a professional shadchan is involved in bringing these suggestions to completion and sometimes not. Often a shadchan may know when it is beneficial to encourage both parties to pursue a shidduch that is stalling, or to advise on and work out minor hiches or gliches that may prevent a shidduch from concluding favorably. Do not "cut your face to spite your nose" as the saying goes. Even if a shadchan did not suggest the name it is still beneficial to use his/her services to insure all does go smoothly. When the person who suggested the name is willing and capable to carry through the shidduch then by all means continue on.

Lying

Why is it that discussing the names that are brought up is so prevalent among our young people?

Because they have heard that when parents do research, very often they will only be told part of the truth and often, they will be told lies.

In contrast their network of friends usually knows things that parents do not find out. Therefore they say it is part of research to discuss the names suggested with their friends just as it is part of research for parents and mashpiim to call relatives and friends for information. Not only is it part of reserch but it is often a more accurate research!

What can one answer to such claim? It is true that parents often are told lies, or the truth is concealed. And not only from parents who are researching names but also from Shadchonim who are trying to make a shidduch!

This is a prime example of "a wrong that begets a worng" (averah goreres averah) because of the lies (Lifnei Ever) told when people do research, our son or daughter will talk with his/her friends (Loshen Hora) in order to get at the truth.

We must break this cycle. Tell the shadchan the truth when presenting your son or daughter, student or friend. Tell the truth, when a parent calls for information. If you are not sure if something should be said, as explained previously, give an excuse, call a Rav and then call back the person asking for the information.

Is this a heter for young people to discuss names brought up for shidduchim or even their shidduch dates? Of course not! We must teach each and everyone of our children not to discuss this no matter what the reason. But we would make it easier to stop this practice if we were truthful ourselves, when we give information.

Give and Take

Yiddishkeit believes in giving: Klal Yisroel are responsible one for the other. We give tzedokah. We look out for each other. We try not to talk Loshon Hora and hurt others. We do Hachnasos Orchim and so on.

The world at large lives by a diametrically opposite mantra: "What's in it for me?"

If Chv”sh we go into shiduchim with a "What's in it for me?" attitude we better think again, and change our philosophy. By making the list, we get a chance to reflect with our child on what they need, and weigh their requests to see how much "take" there is in them.

When a person gives the other one takes. All Yidden wish to give more than to take. Yidden are Gomlei Chasodim after all.

I heard a story during a lecture that illustrates this give and take. After one of the horrific bombings in Yerushalayim, a neighbor of a family that was on the bus took on the task of helping them out with meals, babysitting and general help during the time the family was recuperating from the injuries of the terrorist attack. The mother of the injured family repeatedly tried to give something back to the benefactors but they would not hear about it. Finally just before the benefactors had to travel to the US the injured family was able to convince their benefactors to accept dinner before their departure. The injured family send a full meal over from soup to nuts as they say.

Only after the benefactor saw the effort that the injured family put into this dinner did they realized how hard it had been for them to accept all the help and not be able to give back!

That chazal tell us is why the Aibishter asks for us to do Mitzvos so we can get rewarded. When one earns one's way it is infinitely more satisfying.

So too in marriage, it is not healthy if one side feels s/he is always giving and the other is always receiving. Both partners have to learn when to give and when to receive.

Our children must be ready to give of themselves selflessly to build a marriage, but they have to know what qualities they need in their partner that will complement theirs. They will divide their responsibilities and their goals according to their individual strength and weeknesses and will support and encourage each other. That is why they must make a cheshbon nefesh and come to understand themselves better, before embarking on a shidduch search.

They should think: "I have this quality which will be employed in the most positive way if my spouse has this other quality." This is very difficult to do, don’t we all try on Yom Kippur to do a cheshbon nefesh and resolve to improve in the coming year? How often are we really accurate in judging ourselves? I am sure the percentage for the regular person is pretty low, so how can we ask our young children to do this?

We can help them by being there for them and by helping them with our insight to figure out their nature and needs. And if we need help? There is nothing wrong, but much good, to be found in asking the help of a mashpia, a mechanech or mechaneches who knows our child well.

Keep in mind and tell your child that the end result is not a shopping list. We cannot always find every single item that we want. And even in the rare cases where one does, marriage takes work from both sides. Only if both partners put effort in the marriage will it be successful. Marriage is work, but we can make it as pleasant as possible if both sides are willing to GIVE.

Here are some adjectives for your list that might ring a bell for you:
Emotionally stable, hard-working, charitable, even-tempered, born leader, generous, flexible, agreeable, ‘aidel’, strong-willed, outgoing, patient, reserved, playful, humorous, kind, meticulous, low-key, energetic, stable, sensitive, resilient, ambitious, perceptive, open-minded.

Our requirements or our children requirements

For the past few weeks I have been writing about making a list. It might sound obsessive, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to start a shidduch search after having narrowed down and isolated the non-negotiable character traits that our children cannot live without.

First of all with the list, our children have provided us with clear black and white directions on what is necessary for them to build a Beis Neeman B'Yisroel. As explained earlier at length, we as parents were fully involved in the list-making, so we're now on the same page as our kids.

This list will help us tell the shadchonim, our family members, our friends, and our entire network precisely what we are looking for.

It may be compared to going to a trade show where there are hundreds of vendors. Some vendors we must see; some we will pass by if we have time, and others we can skip altogether. We only have 6 hours at the show, so our time is precious. We look at the catalog of the show and plot our way, listing all the vendors we must visit in their order of importance. Subsequently, we list the ones we would like to see if we have time. Now with our plan, we will accomplish the most we can in the time we have.

Similarly, we do not want to go aimlessly looking for a "good" boy or girl. We want to be specific, and we want the search to be as quickly and as easily accomplished as Hashgocha protis lets us do it. Therefore, yes, it is a painstaking job, and it will take quite some time. It may be acrimonious at times until we all agree on the goals we are all working for, but it is absolutely and unequivocally necessary to do this at the beginning. Furthermore, when our child will go out on their first date, they will have a frame of reference to see how close the date came to what they really are looking for.
How many of those indispensable character traits were matched?
What additional pleasing traits did they find?
Which trait can be compromised on?
The list becomes a signpost to our destination, and anyone who has driven in a strange city where the streets are not well marked, knows exactly how helpful clear directions are.

A caveat to us parents at this point. We wish the best for our children, and often they will pleasantly surprise us with what they can accomplish or with what direction they want to take.

The shidduch is theirs; the life is theirs, and the Bais they will build is theirs. I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating, the list has to be of their requirements, not of ours. The character traits have to match our children characters and goals, not ours. If the list we have arrived at reflects more our wishes than theirs, we have wasted our time and theirs.

I have spoken to mothers who when asked what they were looking for in a shidduch for their child would say “What I am looking for or my son/daughter is looking for?” Is that a question?

Of course what you child is looking for, you are married already! Let us have parents-child communication! Let us hope this was built into the parent-child relationship from when they were little, because at this point in time it is essential. Know what you child wants, direct and advise them, but what they want is foremost.

I personally know of a case where the parents on both sides liked each other so well that they did not even look at how compatible their children were. The important thing was to be mechutonim. I do not have to tell you how that marriage turned out.

Shadchonim

Unlike our grandparents who married within their own or their relatives acquaintances, and marrying the girl next door was common, today the world has become much bigger, and also much smaller.

A Lubavitcher from one city and a Lubavitcher from another city certainly have a lot in common, but tastes, experiences, goals and dreams are far apart. Just the fact that a boy and a girl are Lubavitch, it does not make them compatible. The fact that two people come from the same neighborhood, does not make them compatible.

No matter where their geographical location, if their goals are similar, if the direction they want to take in life matches, if they think along similar pathways and can talk to each other without having to explain what they mean, that means they are compatible.
When the qualities of one enhance and merge with the qualities of the other, that is compatible.

That is why I find it ineffective when a shadchan just gives a parent a list of names. What use is it? Even if a parent knows the families, which gives him an advantage because he has an idea of background, but each child in a family is an individual and his or her goals might be opposite of what our child is looking for.

Once, the shadchan knew who they were offering, either personally or through research. Some shadchonim do that today, spend time interviewing and making phone calls and when they suggest someone it has been thought out. That is why one should appreciate such a shadchan. They spent numerous hours trying to make the best shidduch they can. Naturally the suggestion does not always work out. Just because two people look good on paper does not make them mesh in person. When one pays a shadchan for a shidduch one does not only show hakoras hatov for suggesting a match for a child but also acknowledges the hours of effort that the shadchan put in on our behalf.

Resting on our bitochon

The "preferred" age for marriage has fluctuated depending on external political factors. Generations ago people in Europe married before or in their 20's, then came the war and people got married (or remarried) in their 30's and 40's. Then the age of marriage came down to a "normal" 18-22. There were always some girls and boys who did not find their besherte until they were older. Today it seems like there are so many more older boys and girls still unmatched. All are great kids. Why are they not married yet?

There are a lot of complaints about shadchonim: there are not enough, they only care about certain families, they do not do enough, they do not call back and other typical gripes. Whatever our perception of shadchonim is, should not really be an impediment to finding the right shidduch for your S/D. Sure, a shadchan that takes you from the first moment until the kinyan and beyond, would be great. On the other hand, how many things in this life are handed to us on a platter?

When we look for a job or an apartment, we exert ourselves, go to interviews, talk to everyone we meet, and, in general, leave no stone unturned. If we put our energies and minds to the task of shidduchim as we do with other tasks, the chances of success, with or without a shadchan, will be very good.

After all, do we not say in the 12 Pesukin: If someone says, 'Yagati ve lo matzati, al ta'amin' 'I have searched, and I have not found," don't believe him. (If someone says, "I have not worked hard and I have succeeded," don't believe him. If someone says, "I have worked hard, and I have been successful," believe him! (Moed, Megilla, 6b)): Here it bears repeating that we must do our best and put our best efforts forward without forgetting that our "partner ", the Aibishter, is really doing the lion share of the work and when He deems that it is the right time it will happen.

In my personal experience, only one out of three shiduchim (so far), went through a professional shadchan. Family and close friends were the shliach HKB"H sent for the other two. Our family, friends and neighbors are de facto shadchonim. Let us not wring our hands and say that there are no professional shadchonim who can help us. Let us not complain ad infinitum that most shadchonim these days give us only names and do not really try to match up personalities. In a world that wants everything to be easy and instant (and throwaway) shidduchim are a rude wake up call. Suddently it take effort to accomplish our goal! Why is this surprising to us yidden? Isn't yiddishkeit a training in effort? Do we not put effort in davening, yirat shamayim, keeping mitzvos, doing mivtzoim, learning, teaching etc.? Or do we just coast and do things by rote.

I heard and explanation about the very oft quoted Gemorah "kashe zivugo shel odom kekrias yamsuf" (which some explain to refer only to Zivug sheini). The speaker (I forgot who it was) mentioned that just like the Yamsuf did not split until the Yidden cried for it to happen and Nachshom ben Aminodov actually went into the waters up to his neck (Sota 37b; Shemos Rabba 21:10), the same way a shidduch needs our comlete immersion (pun intended). The yidden were apprehensive about entering the Yamsuf and Nachshon had enough bitochon to go into the waters. We are all apprehensive about entering the sea of shidduchim, but we must have enough bitochon to do our hishtadlus and rely that HKB"H will bring about a shidduch. Krias Yamsuf happened just before dawn. The same way when one is looking for a shidduch it feels like s/he is in darkness and there is no relief, that is when our davening is the most heartfelt and sincere, and that brings about Hashem's yeshua.

Furthermore, the sea split 12 ways one for each shevet, just as each shevet had their own derech so does each person. Each one should find their own hishtadlus and their own individual path that will bring them to find their zivug.

Shidduchim is a challenge that needs our full effort, and our bitochon. We must believe that Hakodosh Boruch Hu will send us the right shliach and the right zivug for our children. But we also need to do our part. Knowing that it is "beshert" that hashgacha protis will bring us the right match, no matter if from next door or another continent does not mean we wait for it like "manna from heaven". We must search and ask and research, and accept defeat, and sometimes insult. And then it will happen, in a blink, the right one will come along, the research will be uncomplicated, things we thought so important become irrelevant, and we stand with a bright smile accepting congratulations!

What you will see in the following chapters is common sense practical advice. It may be something that makes you exclaim: "duh" (to use current slang), but even if it is obvious to you it may be news to someone else. Bear with me.

Introduction

A Story

Once upon a time in Galicia, Poland a beautiful bride was waiting for her Chosson to come to the wedding.

Due to a series of unavoidable events, the Chosson and Kallah had never met.

She knew her parents only wanted the best for her, and that he was a very learned and pious man, so she waited in trepidation and expectation.
Finally a carriage pulled up and she stared intently trying to catch her first sight of her Chosson. As he stepped out of the carriage she saw her future husband for the first time.

Unfortunately she categorically refused to marry him! Her Chosson might be pious, and learned and all the things her parents wished for her, but she would not marry a cripple!!!

Her parents, the Rov and all who could influence her were called on to try and change her mind, to no avail. Finally the Chosson himself begged for 5 minutes alone with his Kallah.

After five minutes, the Kallah came out smiling, and ready for the wedding.

It is told that the Chosson told his Kallah that, forty days before the embryo is formed a bas kol goes out and announces 'so and so will marry so and so.'" When he heard the Bas Kol announcing the birth of his future Kallah, he asked to be zoche to see her. He was shown a beautiful girl who was afflicted with a terrible limp. The Chosson then davened that he should be the one afflicted with the limp, not his beautiful Kallah.

When the kallah heard this she immediately agreed to marry him.

Who was this couple? Rebbe Chaim of Sanz* and his wife Rochel.

[*Rabbi Chaim Halberstam of Sanz [1793 - 10 Nissan 1876] was the first Rebbe of the Sanz-Klausenberg dynasty. He is famous for his extraordinary dedication to the mitzvah of tzedaka and also as a renowned Torah scholar; his voluminous and wide-ranging writings were all published under the title Divrei Chaim.]