More ???

• Does she have an even temperament.

Give examples of what you mean- (subjective question).

Is she moody, one minute having a smiling disposition and the next upset or angry. Often moodiness may be a warning sign of other more serious problems.

• Does she have a temper?

This one can be combines with the previous question although they are not really the same. Temper was discussed at length in a previous article regarding boys’ questions. Not only boys have tempers. Girls can have them too. Find out how she acts when angered. Does she sulk, hold grudges? Does she retreat into offended dignity for ages? Does it quickly blown over, etc.?

A woman's anger is generally less intimidating than a man’s; therefore often, one does not consider this an important point, but it is good to know if a girl is prone to outbursts or is generally even-tempered.

Think of how your son's temperament is and direct the question as counterpoint. If your son has a very long fuse and does not anger easily, then someone who is more volatile may be ok, but if he has a short fuse and so does she, it might lead to too many sparks.

• Question: Is she neat, organized?

Give examples of what you mean (subjective question).

Some boys must have neatness around them in order to feel relaxed or even to be able to think calmly. Others can function in the middle of a tornado. Some people are very organized in their thoughts; therefore, the chaos around them does not affect them as much, but for people whose thought processes are not so organized, having neatness and a seder around is essential. If you, the mother, are very conscientious in your cleaning and would not dream to leave a dish in the sink before going to bed no matter how tired you are, find out if that is a quality your son values or if he barely notices. If the wife of such a boy is more concerned with having a warm house (warmkeit in yiddish not warm as in heat) than a spotless house, will this engender discord among the couple?

• Question: Is she careful with tznius?

It is a sad fact that we as a community are not as careful with tznius as we once were. Because we work closely with people in all stages of kiruv, we are anesthetized against seeing something problematic in tznius. We accept that people will go around without stockings in the summer, or wear skirts that are short with slits or barely cover the knees and collars that are a little too open, and so on and so forth.

This is also due to our openness to the world at large: we are bombarded by ads and magazines and goyishe ideals that have nothing to do with our ideal of beauty or modesty.

It is also a question of education. For whatever reason, if one mentions the word tznius in conversation, it is taboo just like religion and politics; it is bound to raise animosity and resistance.

In reality, tznius is a beautiful thing. It is a well of self confidence that women and girls have that enables us to dress in a pleasant and pleasing way and still retain our dignity, our regal worth. It allows us to feel well-dressed and au-currant without running after every twitch and twist of the fashion world. It enables us to be appreciated for who we are and not for what we wear.

So to get back to our question, we have a lot of different levels in our neighborhood, and I have come across the fact that an eminently suitable girl will be rejected because her hems are too high or she does not wear stockings. The decision to look more fashionable so that she attracts the right attention, or some would say to be more comfortable, is preventing a great girl from making a good shidduch. We are letting our standards slip, and it is not beneficial in any way.

So, if your son is concerned that his wife wear the right length and be stricter with her tznius, this question should be asked. And it should be asked also when your son does not have a personal opinion at this point, but you do not wish your daughter-in-law to sit across from you at your table dressed in an unsuitable manner. This encompasses a whole other topic of course, and I know a lot of people will be riled up (did I not write it is like talking politics where no one can agree?), but I find it incomprehensible how young couples can so blatantly insult parents in their own home.

• Question: Is she fashion-conscious, obsessed?

All we want to know is if she is obsessed by fashion and must always try the latest styles or does she dress stylishly but have other areas of interest besides the latest color in vogue. I knew someone who was very difficult to talk to because her world revolved around clothes and fashion.

For the right boy such a girl is eminently suitable. Her kids will always be dressed to the nines and her house will be a showplace.

• Is the family a close knit family?

This question matters to some people and is totally irrelevant to others. Sometimes your family loves the match suggested but may have some issues with a close relative. In such a case, you might want to know in advance how close the family is. It should not make a difference to the shidduch if other more important things are fine, but it is good to know.

Another reason for the question is, for example, if your family is very tight and always spend Yomim Tovim together, this answer gives you a heads up to how much you will have to share. If both families are close you will have to juggle visits and reunions. When only one side is close knit it might be difficult for the other to understand why s/he is always on the phone with their family, or is always visiting and so on.

• Is she sociable, or reserved?

Give examples of what you mean. (subjective question)

This question might have gotten an answer when you asked about temperament. If not, it is an essential question as you should know if the girl is introverted or very outgoing (to mention two extremes). Don’t match a very social and outgoing person with a homebody who would rather stay home with a sefer than go out and visit. It will not really draw out the shy partner. It will make it a point of contention between the two if one is always wishing to go out and the other wants to spend the evening relaxing at home. If one side is a little more friendly and gregarious than the other, the one will draw the other one out some. As long as they are not at the polar opposites they will influence their partner a bit, but when the differences are too far apart then they will only get on each others nerves. Naturally, there are always exceptions, but before you think you are one of those exceptions, consider well.

Bochrim Questions

About a boy (some questions may not be appropriate in all cases):

• Where did he go to yeshiva?

Besides the obvious, this question helps you know more about the general approach the boy has in life. For example, in the yeshivish world, if one hears a boy has been to Brisk, or Mir, or Chaim Berlin, one can tell by the yeshiva what approach the boy is comfortable with. In Chabad, if one hears the boy was in Tzfas or in Detroit, it would also give an idea of his derech.

On the other hand, it is also possible that someone went ot a particular yeshiva but does not ascribe to the derech of the yeshiva, but because of circumstances he went to learn there. Therefore do not make major assumptions because of the place the bocher went to learn at.

It is useful to know what he is doing now besides waiting for a shidduch to happen. Is he sitting in Yeshiva learning because he is really a lamdan, enjoys learning, and is gaining from it, or is he just wasting time until he finds a shidduch?

Is the boy who is "treading water" (staying in yeshiva just because of shidduchim) before he gets married and can go to work, a better choice than the boy who is now working (or studying for a profession) and learning on the side?

• Is he helping out a shliach while he waits?
  
• Is he learning a business, a career?
  
• Is he working part time and learning part time?
  
• Is he teaching?
  
• Does he have Smicha? Is he interested in getting Smicha?
  
• What did he do until now?
  
• What did he do with his summers? This might tell you something about his character. If he was often a counselor in a camp, it might indicate he is gregarious, outgoing, and likes kids.
  
• Is he a learner, or does he just learn because he is waiting for a shidduch?
  Yes it was asked before but as they say, if at first you don’t succeed... If you did not get a satisfactory answer to #2 and you wish to know if he is the kind of boy that is more laid back rather than pro-active, go ahead and ask straight out.
  
• Can he give over a D’var Torah? This is not a measurement of his learning; many boys know a lot but would rather listen to others than talk themselves. Rather, this will tell you if he is a quieter boy or he is comfortable to stand up in front of people and expound. It might be important to some girls and not important to others. If he wants to go on shlichus, being able to stand up and give over a drasha is a useful, sometimes indispensable skill.

• For a boy who is now in Yeshiva, you might want to ask if he goes on mivtzoim regularly.
  
• If you are asking a friend or a Rebbi, ask about his learning if he is a masmid and if he is on time for Seder, if he learns Chassidus before Davening, and other such questions.
  
• If you are asking a neighbor or another reference they might not know and guess.

Know what kind of questions to ask, depending on who you are talking to.

• Is he enterprising or laid back? Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Put the examples in the situation that is important to you. e.g., is he comfortable to go up to strangers for Mivtzoim or does he like to go to people he established a relationship with? Or maybe you want to know if he is the kind of kid who used to sell doughnuts in elementary, swept peoples driveways etc. Give examples that will be meaningful to you and will reveal a side of his character

Social Skills and Manners

In most community the girls generally stay at home longer than the boys. Most girls do not leave until seminary, very few leave for high school, which is instead very common with the boys. Some boys leave right after Bar Mitzvah, (we are not talking about children of shluchim that may leave even younger and live with relatives in order to go to a chassidishe school.) others leave a year or two later to go to Yeshiva.

It is important that we teach our boys some social skills before they leave the house. For some boys, these will be natural skills that are part of their personality. They can charm all kind of people effortlessly. Great! But what about other boys for whom social skills do not come as easy?

Do not think your son will get by without them. It does not matter if he intends to spend his life in Kollel, on shlichus, teaching, as a sofer, or even in business. In any situation, social skills are very necessary, especially as a shliach bringing people closer to Yiddishkeit or fundraising for your Chabad House.

An example was brought to my attention recently: A young man was fundraising for an organization and he called a distant relative after Yom Tov. After chatting about Yom Tov etc., the young man said nonchalantly, that the real reason he called was to see if he could get the same donation this year as the realative had given the year before.

The relative got very offended that the reason they got a call was just to fundraise?? Someone who had learned some tact would have called just to chat, and then a few days later he would have called to ask for a donation. He would have known that some people may feel put upon if they just get a call asking for money, when they expect a social call.

In any profession one has to know how to act: a teacher has to know how to deal with parents and other staff. A sofer has to deal with customers or distributors etc. Most importantly, any man needs social skills to be with his future wife. How to be a mench and how to have basic manners (I do not mean opening doors), is also part of preparing our sons for the Chuppa. Just as we will push them to learn, to daven with Kavona, to go on mivtzoim, we must also instill them with enough social skills to be socially adept. As amazing as it may seem to us, shiduchim were ruined simply because the bochur could not eat with his mouth closed. Or he kept interrupting, or he was not respectful to an older person.

We should also teach them to keep a neat appearance. They do not need to be fashion plates, just make sure they are not all rumpled and untidy. Rabbi Dessler used to tell his talmidim to make sure they checked in a mirror before leaving the house that they looked presentable. They should not do it for themselves but for the Kovod of the Torah they represent and learn.