A word on Timimg

If I am given a name and someone else suggests another, should I look at both or wait and finish with the first one before going on?

It will depend on how you were given the names. For example the first name offered was just a “he is a boy and she is a girl” kind of suggestion, where the one suggesting does not know the qualities and characters of the two. The second name proposed came from a shadchon (professional or otherwise, friend or family member) who actually gave thought to the compatibility of the couple.

In such circumstances, it would pay to follow up on the second name first, even if one already started looking at the first suggestion. If on the other hand, both names suggested are based on compatibility or both names are just names, then one would finish with the first name suggested before going on to the second one.

Nothing is really a rule so if you would like to research the second name because it sounds better, or it has been given to you by someone closer to you than the other one, go ahead, nothing will be ruined by it.

What if you are already started doing research but a very good prospect is offered?
How much research have you done? was the other side also doing research? If you have just started your research and the other side was not told anything and the name you were just offered is really attractive (and I am not talking about looks) then look at the second and if it does not work out go back to the first. But if the other side was already notified and is doing research as well you will have to finish with the first name before starting with the new suggestion.

An Unfortunate Habit

It has become common for boys and girls to discuss with their peers details of the dates they have been on.
This is certainly forbidden and has no constructive value. If a bochur or a girl feels that someone he/she has gone out with may fit one of her/his friends, they should approach their parents, a mashpia or some other person who is capable to “redt” the shidduch and have them do so in the regular way. To simply gossip "discuss" the dates one has had is pure loshon hora with no redeeming qualities. An inadvertent comment may ruin someone’s shidduch, as that boy/girl will have a preconceived notion about the prospective shidduch which may be quite erroneous and therefore harmful.
In the matter of shidduchim, it is most necessary to conduct oneself with tznius and not advertise with whom and when one went out. Brocha only comes if things are done quietly and modestly, and this should be especially so with shidduchim.

There is an enormous amount of peer pressure, certainly among the girls, to share one’s experiences when one goes out, or to keep best friends “in the loop” when names are offered as possible shidduchim.
It is not correct for a girl or a boy to reveal any information about a prospective shidduch or what happens on their date, to a friend. Even if the friend might get offended because they are "kept out" this should not influence the boy or girl to disclose this information. It is unfortunate that friends feels slighted but it cannot be helped. Where is their caring for the friend's privacy? Girls do not realize that this is not another sleepover secret whispered under the covers. This is a time when you make life altering decisions. A serious matter, not something to be shared in girlish confidences. It will bolster our S/D if we, as parents, explain to them how any information having to do with shidduchim, either at earlier stages or even during dating, should not be given out.

There is a much debated Mishna which enjoins one not to talk a lot with a woman (“Al tarbe sicha im haisha”). Chazal say the language of the posuk for "talk" is sicha which is translated as light conversation, not an intellectual exchange of ideas or even general practical matters. This is conversation with no redeeming qualities, and no practical value. Some commentaries mention that the posuk expressively says ‘HaIsha’ (the woman) and the article “the” denotes a wife. So we are warned not to gossip even if it is just between husband and wife. Imagine how much more we are enjoined not to gossip among friends and acquaintances.

Social Skills and Manners

In most community the girls generally stay at home longer than the boys. Most girls do not leave until seminary, very few leave for high school, which is instead very common with the boys. Some boys leave right after Bar Mitzvah, (we are not talking about children of shluchim that may leave even younger and live with relatives in order to go to a chassidishe school.) others leave a year or two later to go to Yeshiva.

It is important that we teach our boys some social skills before they leave the house. For some boys, these will be natural skills that are part of their personality. They can charm all kind of people effortlessly. Great! But what about other boys for whom social skills do not come as easy?

Do not think your son will get by without them. It does not matter if he intends to spend his life in Kollel, on shlichus, teaching, as a sofer, or even in business. In any situation, social skills are very necessary, especially as a shliach bringing people closer to Yiddishkeit or fundraising for your Chabad House.

An example was brought to my attention recently: A young man was fundraising for an organization and he called a distant relative after Yom Tov. After chatting about Yom Tov etc., the young man said nonchalantly, that the real reason he called was to see if he could get the same donation this year as the realative had given the year before.

The relative got very offended that the reason they got a call was just to fundraise?? Someone who had learned some tact would have called just to chat, and then a few days later he would have called to ask for a donation. He would have known that some people may feel put upon if they just get a call asking for money, when they expect a social call.

In any profession one has to know how to act: a teacher has to know how to deal with parents and other staff. A sofer has to deal with customers or distributors etc. Most importantly, any man needs social skills to be with his future wife. How to be a mench and how to have basic manners (I do not mean opening doors), is also part of preparing our sons for the Chuppa. Just as we will push them to learn, to daven with Kavona, to go on mivtzoim, we must also instill them with enough social skills to be socially adept. As amazing as it may seem to us, shiduchim were ruined simply because the bochur could not eat with his mouth closed. Or he kept interrupting, or he was not respectful to an older person.

We should also teach them to keep a neat appearance. They do not need to be fashion plates, just make sure they are not all rumpled and untidy. Rabbi Dessler used to tell his talmidim to make sure they checked in a mirror before leaving the house that they looked presentable. They should not do it for themselves but for the Kovod of the Torah they represent and learn.