Non Traditional Methods Cont'd

It is not as unusual as it once was to let "Mame Liebe" do the job. Which means when a couple meets and "falls in LOVE".

In the best situation once the couple has been dating for a while and they want to marry, they will approach the parents and lay the situation out for them. Or the parents may find out on their own about the couple.

Although the reaction of a parent when faced with such a request might resemble something somewhat closer to fireworks than flowers, parents should consider that the children did come to them eventually, and want to do this in the proper manner after all. No matter what let us consider that like everything else this is also definitely Hashgacha Protis. Hashem does bring about shidduchim in a lot of different ways, and due to the level this couple was in this was the way it had to work out.

The worse scenario is when the parents find out that their child is just happy dating and has no thought of marriage!

But let us look at the more positive way: either the kids tell the parents they wish to get married and need their help with the wedding, or the parents find out on their own and confront their kids. Either way the parents should take a deep breath and count to ten before even thinking about the situation. Do not, absolutely do not, say the first thing that comes to mind. You are closing the door before it is even open.

By coming to you, the couple is acknowledging that they cannot do this alone and hopefully they are willing to listen to your advice. You have to realize that rehashing past behavior at this point is counterproductive. You have been put in a spot you do not wish to be in, but have no choice about. As they are so fond to say in this country, when you are given lemons, make lemonade. Maybe this is a good thing for your child, and if you manage this correctly, only good will come from it.

Consider the situation from this point forward. Do the research into the boy or girl as you would do in a normal case. If for no other reason, do it at least for your own peace of mind. Share your research with your child. If what you find is negative, explain your concerns to your child, calmly and logically. You may be able to influence him or her to your way of thinking, or you may give yourself more time, and anything may happen with time. An infatuation may be replaced by another interest, or they may fall out of “love” just as they fell into it.

The one most important thing to remember is to keep the dialogue open with your child. Even if one of the parents cannot be rational or logical in this situation, the other has to stay in touch and maintain an open channel.

When you show your displeasure to your child, make sure he/she understands that it is the circumstances and his/her choices that you are displeased about, but that you still love him or her. It is the action you hate and not the child. A benefit of keeping an open channel with your child is that they may listen to your advice on how to build a Bayis Neemon. They may be willing to accept a slightly more stringent lifestyle than they would otherwise because you were logical and persuasive about the necessity of keeping certain mitzvos and boundaries.

Consider who you are talking to.

When doing research, consider who you are talking to.

If you are talking to a close friend of yours who also knows the other side, then you are on more even ground, as you know what their standards are and how they judge, and you can put the answers in a proper prospective. I

f you do not know the person you are calling for information, be careful what weight you put on the answers. If something you hear is raising a flag, ask specific questions to clarify what you are hearing, you may have misunderstood or the person at the other end meant something different. It is much easier to clarify things right away, rather that later. Also, do not automatically say no. Do further research on that one point until you are very sure that the facts are true, and it is something undesirable to you.

Some other possible questions: What is their connection to the Rebbe? What part does the Rebbe play in their lives? (this is not a “meshichist” or “anti” question). Are the parents hands on parents or more laissez faire. Was there sholom bayis in their home? Do they have a lot of emotional baggage? Is she open-minded? ( what does open minded mean to you?) Is the family open-minded? Are they straightforward and honest, or is there a hidden agenda, and you don’t really know their intentions? Are they open to change, or do they dread it? How do they act with strangers: are they respectful with all kinds of people, janitors, cleaning ladies, shopkeepers, kids, secretaries yidden and goyim etc.? Are they a ‘good listener’? Are they always thinking of the next project, or do they take time to really give you their whole attention? Do they set attainable goals or just castles in the sky? Do they go with the flow, or do they know where they are going? Do they have a mashpia? Do they follow advice or prefer their own counsel? What is their conversation like? Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Centuries ago, Machiavelli (Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli born in 1469 and diplomat and adviser to the Medici family, known for his work “The Prince” and Discourses on Livy) noted in “The Prince”: “The great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearances, as though they were realities, and are often more influenced by things that seem, than by those that are.” Or as Rabbi Yehudah HaNossi (the prince) used to say: “Al tistakel b’kankan elah b’ma sheyeysh bo.” Don’t look at the flask, but at its contents.

Questions on Health

I wrote about health back in May. Such questions should definitely be asked, no matter how uncomfortable they might make you.
Ask about family health in general, and the person you are looking into specifically, both physical health, and mental health.
Be reasonable, certain conditions are not life threattening and do not greatly influence the couple's life. Others are of concern but can be dealt with and still others have to be discussed with a doctor. Consider your own family history as well. No one is perfect but if both families carry the same tendencies, they might get aggravated in the children.
Don't hesitate to ask your doctor if you are not sure, (and even if you think you know) whether a condition is acceptable or not.

Wrap up

One last comment on the boys before going on:
It has become more and more common for some boys to go to the army (Israeli for the most part) for 18 months or more. Some of these boys may have been distancing themselves from frumkeit, some felt this was a must before they entered the next stage of life and the responsibilities. Do not refuse to look into these boys. Just because they went to the army does not mean they are not frum. Many of them learn with chavrusas, go to minyan, do Chitas and do not touch their beards. Some plan to go to Kollel after they marry, some even on shlichus.
So keep in mind that there are outstanding and middling boys who are learning and outstanding and middling boys who are working, and among those there are outstanding and middling boys that went to the army. Do not take things for granted, investigate, the only caveat being: do not be obsessive just diligent.

More on Research

Be thorough in your research.

Ask the right questions and call both the reference you were given and friends or family who might know the prospect.

On the other hand, to all those who give information: make sure your information is factual and true to the best of your ability (see previous articles).

If there is a medical problem and you are not sure if it should be mentioned, call a Rov. By withholding information you are not doing a favor to anyone. I recently heard a story of a divorce that came about because of information that was withheld. A couple had a baby that was born with certain defects which were caused by medication the husband was on at the time of conception. The wife had no idea the husband was on medication or even that he needed any. If the wife had known about the condition, the baby might have been born healthy.

Again on the other hand: people think that shadchonim or others trying to make a shidduch are trying to fool them or trick them by "hiding" information. This is not so. Many times a Rov will tell the family they do not have to disclose a certain fact. It could be because it is well known in the community and it is not something hidden but obvious when one meets the person (such as a limp or a stutter). Do not jump to conclusions that the family was "hiding information". Allowing for a lag of time before some information is found could be the making of a shidduch. If the family has found out that the prospect is full of maylos, good qualities and middos, then when they discover that there is a flaw they will measure it against all the good and still go on with the shidduch. But when the flaw is laid bare at the beginning, it becomes a major flaw and the shidduch is rejected.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Rejecting Shidduchim

I mentioned last week about the unfortunate habit of rejecting a shidduch out of hand, with very few solid reasons. He/she is not for me, or she/he is not good enough, they live in Australia, they are French, Israeli, Crowh Heightzers, they have red hair and so on and so forth, are not concrete reasons. Even more, if your child says no because a friend went out with this person and it did not work out that is not a good reason. In fact, that is a major problem, not only in our community but anywhere, and not just with girls but with boys too. Teach your children not to discuss their dates with their friends, ever! There are issues of Loshon Hora, into which I will go into in a future post. But aside from that all important fact, this kind of gossip can destroy a true zivug. I prefer not to discuss this at length now, because the present topic, what and how parents and young man or woman should get ready to look for in a shidduch is very important, But please all of you out there, who are presently involved in shidduchim, think carefully before saying no. Do not think that shidduchim come with a written guarantee of getting your zivug no matter what. You have bechira in this too. If one rejects a zivug, one may get a second chance but not davka. There is a story story about a bocher who brought a list of names to get a Brocha for shiduchim from a godol, (not in Lubavitch). The godol said that the majority had already met and rejected their zivug and of those, 5 had lost it completely because their zivug was married with children. If this makes you hesitate a fraction of a second before saying no next time, it is worth it. In conclusion, especially in today’s climes when it seems so much more difficult to find and make shiduchim, do not reject a possible suggestion out of hand.