Chabadmatch

Another tool available to Lubavitchers that utilizes the very latest state of the art technology, but does so in a traditional way is ChabadMatch.com.

ChabadMatch concurrs that there is a shidduchim crisis. A lot of the webmaster’s friends were finding great difficulty in finding shidduchim, so he came up with this concept to try and help others find their spouses. The original idea grew out from the desire to get more information about potential shidduchim than the “Bochrim List” was making available.
The site creator took his idea to developers and designers, raised initial funding and built a prototype which he showed to shadchanim. With their feedback the site was tweaked to be the best that it could be. ChanadMatch is a work in progress; new improvements are added as necessary. Presently, when there are new members on the site, the shadchonim get notified. The site was also shown to Rabbonim, and it received their haskoma that it was indeed proper and okay to list names and profiles of singles in this way.

ChabadMatch started two years ago, and at this time they have about 1,950 singles registered. Since inception, 25 shidduchim came directly from using the site, and a few more happened indirectly because of seeing a profile on the site.
Just like any other tool, this database is made to be used as a springboard for your own efforts. If a promising profile is found, research has to be made; the shadchan has to be contacted, etc. Just having the profile up on the site will not bring results. New names are listed daily, so it pays to return often to the site to see if something interesting is now listed. Chabadmatch is a starting point. Use ChabadMatch to narrow down your choices. Go to the site often to see new profiles. Then follow up with the research and contacting the shadchonim, etc. Two contacts are listed for every listing. In the case where a person cannot reach either of the two contacts, one’s own shadchan or one of the shadchonim listed on the site can be asked to make the shidduch. Even the webmaster has taken a hand in helping out when necessary.

The site was created for shadchonim to have a database of singles who are looking for shidduchim. Shadchonim have access to all singles profiles, names and pictures. Feedback revealed that parents were frustrated by not being in control of the shidduch process. Waiting for a shadchan to come up with a suggestion is sometimes hard, and when the suggestions are not appropriate, a parent might well be upset and wish that there was a way they could themselves start the process.

The site empowers parents to do limited searches and offers a way to study the profiles without pictures and most without names, so they can decide if there is a profile they are interested in. They then can approach a shadchan to complete the shidduch.

The webmaster and his wife put in time keeping the site up to date and answering any queries that are sent to them. On the site now there is a ratio of about 60% girls to 40% boys. About 30 to 40% put up pictures. The administrator finds that pictures are a plus to have on one’s profile, although a shadchan can always ask for one when necessary, but it helps initially to receive that extra attention. Keep in mind that only shadchonim see the pictures; no parents see them on their searches.

The initial intake form on the site is extensive. The questions asked are insightful and make one think of what their goals and requirements are. It is a very helpful tool for shadchonim and parents as an initial parameter to see if a name is a possibility or not in the ballpark at all.

The questions on the website were thought out carefully with shadchonim so that the person describing him or herself is able to give a comprehensive profile of themselves. Naturally some will reveal more and some less. One may say this profile is even better than an interview with a shadchan because more thought goes into the writing of a profile than just describing oneself to a shadchan. When a parent or a single fills out the profile, the answers should be as complete and comprehensive as possible. Think about the impression you want people to come away with. On the site one can find all sorts of boys or girls: there are some boys who are on shlichus and plan to make a life of shlichus; there are working boys; there are girls who are on shlichus or who are working; girls who only want boys who will try to go on shlichus, or girls who are looking for both working and shlichus boys or just for working boys. There are profiles from America, Israel, South America and Europe. According to the site manager, Lubavitch has become too big, and a list of names is not enough to be helpful to a vast majority of parents who do not know who people are by family names.

The amount of information that parents can see is decided by the parent writing the profile or by the single; they can make more or less information available to parents looking at the database.
There is a choice at the end of the form where a parentor single can choose who will see their profile. The choices are:
Allow singles and parents of singles to see my profile, including my name, excluding my contact info.Allow singles and parents of singles to see part of my profile, excluding my name.
Do not allow singles or parents of singles to see any part of my profile. If you are registering your daughter and do not want anyone but a shadchan to access her profile you can choose #3 and only a registered shadchan will be able to access the information.

Why did this site succeed in having singles list their profiles while the “Bochrim List” did not? My opinion is that in 2004 when the “Bochrim List” made the attempt, people were still shying away from putting personal information on the web. But recently with the Facebook (or My Space) phenomena, this has become accepted at an alarming rate. There is a lot on Facebook that should never have been written and published, but that is a whole other article.

Because ChabadMatch is a private site, one can only go in with a password, and only parents (or registered singles), and shadchonim have access. It is as safe as possible. Writing a profile, one has a chance to connect to a much wider range of shadchonim than would be possible without ChabadMatch.

Here are some success stories at ChabadMatch: A shidduch was proposed to a girl’s family, but the parents had some reservation, and the shidduch did not go though. Some time later the girl’s mother saw the profile of the same boy on ChabadMatch. The qualities she was looking for were there in black on white, and she realized this is who she wanted for her daughter. The match was proposed again, and this time it went through, and they are B”H married. Sometimes everything is right but the time; when the right time comes everything falls into place.

In another case, one family lived in Australia and the other in England. The match came about, and they met in Israel. They are now married. Sometimes a shidduch would not be thought of because one may think the backgrounds are too disparate, but by looking at the profiles one can see that they are actually a perfect match, and a meeting proves it! It costs $18 to register at the site. The money goes to maintain the site, web design and to host it. Plans are in the works to fund-raise to be able to have a full-time administrator for the site.

One never knows who or even what is the designated shliach for a successful shidduch. Every step we take on the shidduch road is a step ahead. Even a failed suggestion takes us closer to finding a zivug for our son or daughter. Let us try every means at our disposal--our friends and families, our community shadchonim, conference calls, Bochrim lists or ChabadMatch. We never know which method will work for us. Best wishes to all of you out there looking for your zivug, and may we see you soon in the Mazal Tov pages

Lubavitchsingles

Here are two websites, that will help you with shidduchim: Lubavitchsingles.com (previously known as Bochrim list) and Chabadmatch.com.

These are new tools to be used in the old shidduchim trade, trying to use all that the modern world has discovered in a proper way, in a tzniusdicke way, to increase our chances of making the perfect shidduch for our children.

Ka”h, Lubavitch has been growing and continues to grow. Once everyone knew everyone else, or at least had a friend or relative who knew the family. Even not so long ago, when my husband was growing up in Crown Heights, everyone knew everyone else. Jewish Geography was a lot simpler then, and so were shidduchim, but things changed, and B”H, Lubavitch has grown; the original families themselves are hundreds strong, and the ones who have joined through the years multiply all the time.

To make things a bit easier, mothers or fathers would try to get lists of boys’ names to be able to jump start a shidduch search. Such lists were hard or impossible to come by. By serendipity, (read Chashgacha Protis) in 1996, a bochur in 770, with help from his friends, had access to such a list. By word of mouth the word spread, and fathers and brothers asked for copies, so did shadchonim. At the time the list was handwritten and photocopied. Boys who got engaged and were crossed off, new names would be added, all done by hand.
When the cross outs and additions became too messy, a new list would be started until it got out of hand again, and so on. Eventually with the help of computers, the list got easier to manage. Certainly deletions and additions were easier to handle, and a fresh copy could be had with a click. Progress brought the internet, and as with everything else, it was (and is) both very good and very bad. Being Lubavitchers, we try to use all we can in the right way and for the good, so the list moved to a free server host, Geocities.
This incarnation of the list appeared in 2002,, and it became a hot topic among those in the “parsha”. Imagine you don’t have to beg anyone, ask favors or bug your friends; all you need is a computer, and you can have a list of all eligible Lubavitcher boys. What a Metzia! The boys’ list was great, but what about a girls list? And is it really proper to have all these boys’ names on the web? Is it Kosher?? The creator of the list went to ask the Rov who looked at the site and how it was set up and gave it an OK.
So part of the problem was solved, but how could a boy make a girls list? Besides that, the boy’s list took enough time to maintain; shouldn't the girls do a list for themselves if they felt the need? And so it was that a girl put together the first girls list and devised a manner by which the ages of the girls could be revealed but hidden too. That is how the star system came about
For all of you not familiar with the site, the star system is: * Sem Bais/Gimmel **Sem Daled/Hey *** Sem Vov ****Sem Zayin +. This way you can figure out the age of the girl approximately without actually disclosing their age. The one who originally started the girls list could not continue taking care of it, so it fell back on the bochrim who originally started the boys list.
The site was designed very simply with an amateurish look. This had not changed from the time the list was uploaded to a website. It was done intentionally, to show that this was a homegrown idea, not a professional endeavor.
There is no cost to be mentioned in the list, and all work is done by volunteers: L’Shem Mitzvah.

So how does one use the Bochrim or Girls’ List to find a shidduch? If you are a long time Lubavitcher and know a lot of the families, just scanning the list and narrowing down the names you know may be helpful. Then you can inquire about those names and see if there is any family you know that would fit the parameters of what you are looking for. If you are not familiar with a lot of families in Chabad, then ask a friend who knows a lot of people or (for a boy) your son – if he is the right age – or a nephew, to look through the list and see if there are any names that catch his eye--if he knows them and can describe then to you. Then, if appropriate, do research and try to make the shidduch. Same thing if you are looking for a girl: ask your daughter or someone with whom you are close to look at the list for suggestions.

Having one’s name on the list, be it the boys list or the girls list, is not an instant solution to finding a shidduch. Do not wait for people to call you because they have seen your name on the list, but be proactive and look at the list for the possibilities that it can bring you. Maybe it’s that name that would never have come into your mind if you had not read it there. Go back a few times to look at the list; new names get added often.

How do names get on the list? When bochurim return from shlichus, their names are put on the list. It used to be that bochurim were put on the list later, but when it was explained a few years ago that girls are looking already at 19 and there are no younger boys listed, the decision was made to put the names of the boys who came back from shlichus on the list. The girls are put on after the first year of Sem. in Elul not earlier. The reasoning not to put them in earlier is that when the girls are listed a Sem Aleph, the previous Sem Aleph listing become Sem Beis etc. So everyone goes up a level. Naturally the girls do not want to be listed as older unless it is so, therefore the best time to move the levels in the list is in Elul at the beginning of the new term.

The girls are usually listed a year earlier than the boys. Shluchos, classmates and friends will send in names to be put on the list. Girls will send their own names sometimes, and some boys will too, although generally girls will send in names more often than boys will. If boys are ready to get married and see their name is not listed, they will send it in.

When a name is sent in, it is checked to see if it is a made up name or if the person actually exists. It has happened that totally fake names are sent in to the list. If you send in your name and you do not see it after a couple of weeks, email them again, maybe they could not verify your name. If a boy or a girl went though the Lubavitcher School system, they are most probably in the list. If they dropped out early, they would need to send in their name.

Who is on the list? Mainly English speaking bochurim and girls from North America. All those listed are single, not previously married. When someone’s engagement is listed on Shmais, that name is removed from the list. If you know of someone on the list that is already engaged or married, you should notify the list (with some backup proof of your information) so the name can be removed. The list organizer tried in 2004 to have listings with a bit of a profile and not just names; unfortunately, the ones who answered sent in inappropriate profiles, and almost no one mainstream sent in a proper profile, so the idea was dropped.

Are there really more boys than girls? According to the list manager, that is not really true. If one looks at new births, for a long time it was about 50/50. Lately, there have been a lot more boys than girls, but it all evens out in the end. So why do we perceive there is a shidduch crisis? Because there are a number of older girls and boys who have not found shidduchim, and the older they get the harder it is to find a match.
And also because now with this perception, more parents are actively involved and put more effort finding shidduchim for their children rather than taking a more laid back approach like in years past.

Many shidduchim have come about because people looked at the list. Sometimes friends or relatives were able to come up with the right name after perusing the list. There are no firm statistics, but the list has been successfully employed by the Lubavitcher Olam and should not be overlooked. The list changed address a couple of years ago because the TK extension was rejected by a lot of servers and also because problematic pop ups would pop up. Now the list is hosted at a .com address: http://lubavitchsingles.com. From there one can access both the boys’ or the girls’ list. On the index page of the boys list there are various links. One of the links is to the site “mikomos” which has possible places to go to on dates in the Tri State and a few other cities. Links are provided to some shidduchim articles, fun shiduchim sites and for the Enterprise Chabad car rental discount for that all important car. And when B"H we make a wedding there is a link to weddingshtik.tk to be mesameach the Chosson and Kallah with. The site gets numerous hits a day. If you are familiar with a lot of people or if you have a friend who is, do not hesitate to use this resource in your shidduchim search.