Thursday, January 22, 2009

Ask a Friend. Ask your Family. Ask Everyone!

When you are ready to begin your search, it is important to tell everyone you know that you are looking for a shidduch for your Son/Daughter. Many shidduchim come about from friends' or family recommendations.
In fact the majority of successful shidduchim are made by family.
It is not always the professional shadchan who is matzliach or who is your shliach. If you have friends or family who are not Lubavitch, ask them anyway. Just point out that you are looking for a Lubavitcher boy.
It is not enough to tell people once that you are looking for a shidduch for your child. Sometimes, it is necessary to remind them that you still have not found someone.
The reverse is true as well. Once you have found a match, make sure to inform the shadchonim and friends who have looked for you that your child is engaged. Do not assume that they will hear on their own. Your relatives and close friends will probably hear, but others may not, and they will be expending time and effort on your behalf for no reason.
Mazal does play an important part in the search. You and your child can help it along doing your hishtadlus, which can be davening, helping someone else with a shidduch, giving tzedoka etc. It is appropriate to discuss with your mashpia what is considered suitable Hishtadlus.
Look at the article on the Chicago conference for some examples of hishtadlus mothers are presently doing.
As we said at the very beginning, it is important to realize, especially in shidduchim, that HKB"H is the one who "fiert der veldt", rules the world. He is your partner in this endeavor, and therefore, do not despair if everything does not fall into place right away. Sometimes because the future spouse is still learning, not ready, or for any number of reasons, unavailable at this time, one has to wait for the other.
We do not know how long this process can take. A mother once told me she was despairing of finding a match for her daughter as nothing seemed to come of all the names that had been offered. Two years later a name came up, and the shidduch was accomplished in a very short time. The future Chosson had just returned home from yeshiva and was now ready to get married. She told me if she had only known that she had to wait two years, she would have gladly waited instead of worried.
We cannot know if we have to wait 2 years or 2 months. What we do know is if we are diligent, if we ask everyone we know and make ourselves into worthy Keylim to receive the brocha, when the time is right, everything will fall into place.
Marrying our children is like having them. By the time the 9th month comes around we are more than ready to have this baby, but we do not know exactly when it will happen. It could be right away or it could be late. The labor could pass in a blink or be protracted. That we accept as a matter of course, although we all daven for a fast and easy labor. So why should we not accept the same for the parsha of shidduchim? Some will happen in a blink and others we will have to work hard for. Some will come shortly after we started looking and others will be long delayed.
Let us accept that the only thing we control in this instance is how much we daven and how much effort we put in it.