Give and Take

Yiddishkeit believes in giving: Klal Yisroel are responsible one for the other. We give tzedokah. We look out for each other. We try not to talk Loshon Hora and hurt others. We do Hachnasos Orchim and so on.

The world at large lives by a diametrically opposite mantra: "What's in it for me?"

If Chv”sh we go into shiduchim with a "What's in it for me?" attitude we better think again, and change our philosophy. By making the list, we get a chance to reflect with our child on what they need, and weigh their requests to see how much "take" there is in them.

When a person gives the other one takes. All Yidden wish to give more than to take. Yidden are Gomlei Chasodim after all.

I heard a story during a lecture that illustrates this give and take. After one of the horrific bombings in Yerushalayim, a neighbor of a family that was on the bus took on the task of helping them out with meals, babysitting and general help during the time the family was recuperating from the injuries of the terrorist attack. The mother of the injured family repeatedly tried to give something back to the benefactors but they would not hear about it. Finally just before the benefactors had to travel to the US the injured family was able to convince their benefactors to accept dinner before their departure. The injured family send a full meal over from soup to nuts as they say.

Only after the benefactor saw the effort that the injured family put into this dinner did they realized how hard it had been for them to accept all the help and not be able to give back!

That chazal tell us is why the Aibishter asks for us to do Mitzvos so we can get rewarded. When one earns one's way it is infinitely more satisfying.

So too in marriage, it is not healthy if one side feels s/he is always giving and the other is always receiving. Both partners have to learn when to give and when to receive.

Our children must be ready to give of themselves selflessly to build a marriage, but they have to know what qualities they need in their partner that will complement theirs. They will divide their responsibilities and their goals according to their individual strength and weeknesses and will support and encourage each other. That is why they must make a cheshbon nefesh and come to understand themselves better, before embarking on a shidduch search.

They should think: "I have this quality which will be employed in the most positive way if my spouse has this other quality." This is very difficult to do, don’t we all try on Yom Kippur to do a cheshbon nefesh and resolve to improve in the coming year? How often are we really accurate in judging ourselves? I am sure the percentage for the regular person is pretty low, so how can we ask our young children to do this?

We can help them by being there for them and by helping them with our insight to figure out their nature and needs. And if we need help? There is nothing wrong, but much good, to be found in asking the help of a mashpia, a mechanech or mechaneches who knows our child well.

Keep in mind and tell your child that the end result is not a shopping list. We cannot always find every single item that we want. And even in the rare cases where one does, marriage takes work from both sides. Only if both partners put effort in the marriage will it be successful. Marriage is work, but we can make it as pleasant as possible if both sides are willing to GIVE.

Here are some adjectives for your list that might ring a bell for you:
Emotionally stable, hard-working, charitable, even-tempered, born leader, generous, flexible, agreeable, ‘aidel’, strong-willed, outgoing, patient, reserved, playful, humorous, kind, meticulous, low-key, energetic, stable, sensitive, resilient, ambitious, perceptive, open-minded.

Our requirements or our children requirements

For the past few weeks I have been writing about making a list. It might sound obsessive, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to start a shidduch search after having narrowed down and isolated the non-negotiable character traits that our children cannot live without.

First of all with the list, our children have provided us with clear black and white directions on what is necessary for them to build a Beis Neeman B'Yisroel. As explained earlier at length, we as parents were fully involved in the list-making, so we're now on the same page as our kids.

This list will help us tell the shadchonim, our family members, our friends, and our entire network precisely what we are looking for.

It may be compared to going to a trade show where there are hundreds of vendors. Some vendors we must see; some we will pass by if we have time, and others we can skip altogether. We only have 6 hours at the show, so our time is precious. We look at the catalog of the show and plot our way, listing all the vendors we must visit in their order of importance. Subsequently, we list the ones we would like to see if we have time. Now with our plan, we will accomplish the most we can in the time we have.

Similarly, we do not want to go aimlessly looking for a "good" boy or girl. We want to be specific, and we want the search to be as quickly and as easily accomplished as Hashgocha protis lets us do it. Therefore, yes, it is a painstaking job, and it will take quite some time. It may be acrimonious at times until we all agree on the goals we are all working for, but it is absolutely and unequivocally necessary to do this at the beginning. Furthermore, when our child will go out on their first date, they will have a frame of reference to see how close the date came to what they really are looking for.
How many of those indispensable character traits were matched?
What additional pleasing traits did they find?
Which trait can be compromised on?
The list becomes a signpost to our destination, and anyone who has driven in a strange city where the streets are not well marked, knows exactly how helpful clear directions are.

A caveat to us parents at this point. We wish the best for our children, and often they will pleasantly surprise us with what they can accomplish or with what direction they want to take.

The shidduch is theirs; the life is theirs, and the Bais they will build is theirs. I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating, the list has to be of their requirements, not of ours. The character traits have to match our children characters and goals, not ours. If the list we have arrived at reflects more our wishes than theirs, we have wasted our time and theirs.

I have spoken to mothers who when asked what they were looking for in a shidduch for their child would say “What I am looking for or my son/daughter is looking for?” Is that a question?

Of course what you child is looking for, you are married already! Let us have parents-child communication! Let us hope this was built into the parent-child relationship from when they were little, because at this point in time it is essential. Know what you child wants, direct and advise them, but what they want is foremost.

I personally know of a case where the parents on both sides liked each other so well that they did not even look at how compatible their children were. The important thing was to be mechutonim. I do not have to tell you how that marriage turned out.

The Perfect Mate

Make sure when you discuss with your S/D what they want in a mate that such a spouse actually exist.

A thought to ponder: “I spent my life looking for the perfect woman, and I finally found her....but she was looking for the perfect man.”

Someone who wants a partner who is giving, sensitive, ambitious and decisive, will rarely find such a person. Sensitive, decisive and ambitious rarely come together. They may not realize how their wishes contradict one another. This makes fulfilling those wishes impossible because no such combination exists. Or if it does exist, it is extremely rare. Therefore the qualities our children choose for their spouses have to make up a real person.

Imagine a face made up by a very skilled surgeon with the best eye shape and nose shape and mouth, cheekbones etc. Just because each individual feature is the "best" or the most admired by the world at that time, this does not mean that the face will be beautiful. Sometimes we see in magazines people who have changed their nose, and they looked better before!

Our children should not pick and choose random qualities . Rather, based on their own characteristics, they should come up with a possible real person.

Another contradiction is when our children look for someone very chassidish that is totally immersed in learning but who will not mind if they go out to movies or have all kinds of magazines around the house or maybe a TV in the closet. It is not reasonable to expect a chassidishe bochur to accept that. What about the influence on future children. One cannot change at the drop of a hat.
I have heard girls say that they will stop watching videos or going to movies when they are expecting. Or that they will only watch when the husband is not home. That is not reasonable.
It is not the movie alone that is the problem, it is the entire atmosphere and way of thinking that comes into the house with it. So, if she wants to be able to do that, look for a boy who is able to accept that and realize that he will not be the most chassidish of boys. He cannot be.

In some cases when your child goes out, they might choose someone who is different from the person he/she had on paper. This may happen because the list was not based on the realistic needs of the child but more on wishful thinking. Your S/D should look at their own qualities and base their list on complementary aspects for his/her partner.

Sometimes a person thinks that they will change their prospective mate. They do not realize that both will change in the course of their marriage but not fundamentally. If our child does not like a particular characteristic, they will not be able to eradicate it. If they like a particular quality, they will be able to enhance it. Never go ahead with a marriage with the thought that you will change your partner.

Are we realistic?

Other challenges will exist if one is looking for a working bochur. There are challenges for someone working just as there are for someone on shlichus.

If he is going into his family business, that is a sure thing. If he does not have such a possibility, what skills does he have? Is the career he envisions possible. If he wants to be a lawyer but his English is nonexistent (correct spelling and good vocabulary) then he will have a steeper learning curve. Is she ready to help him out?

Is a working boy ready to make a commitment to learning even if only once a week? Is this important to her? Is he well-matched for the work he wishes to do? Does he have the temperament for it? To use the previous example, if he is not comfortable with public speaking how will he present a case? If he is in college or will go to college, will he be able to support the family until he gets his degree? If he wants to start his own business, does she understand the extra hours he will have to invest in the endeavor? Some girls think in the back of their minds that if they get a working bochur they will be able to lead a (relatively) easy life, they will have a steady income and able to set up their houses as they wish without skimping etc. They may not grasp that until established in the profession or job of their choice, their husband will not bring home as much as they may think.

Their expectation of lifestyle should be discussed. We as parents have to prepare our children for the financial responsibilities they will find in married life.

Again, when saying one wants a working boy, there are a lot of levels. Let our children be specific with their needs.

In the case of older singles, the girls may have a better position and a better salary than the boy they are looking at. He may have remained in yeshiva or helped out in shlichus all this time and not started a career. The girls have to take into consideration that these boys will not be as “sophisticated” and worldly as the ones they meet in the business world. They are certainly no less worthy, they have to be valued for what they are.

When your child describes their ideal match, have them look at themselves realistically, and have them ask themselves, "Would such a person want to marry me?"

An illustrative story was told to me by a shadchea from “Saw you at Sinai”. He had matched two people he thought had compatible backgrounds and goals. She was not too tall and a bit heavy and he was not tall and a bit heavy. She sent him an email, insulted that he had suggested such a shidduch, she wanted a tall skinny fellow, not a short heavy guy! So he answered her “If people were to judge you the way you the way you judge others you would not have a fighting chance.” Naturally she complained and he was reprimanded, and he truly should have been more diplomatic, but the point made is real – would a tall and thin guy look at her?

No matter that we say over and over look at middos and not appearances but we must be reasonable in appearances too. The person has to appeal and not put off the prospective partner.

Back to list making

When compiling this list, your Son/Daughter, should look at themselves and figure out what are their talents and best character traits. It will be much easier to articulate who they are looking for once they know themselves better.

We should be concious of the fact that it is very hard to know oneself and realize our own merits and demerits. Adults find this hard to do, vertainly our adolescents will find it much harder.

They may not realize how good they are at solving problems, or that they are peacemakers, great with children, or are very sensible. They may belittle their own talents and take them for granted. Encourage them to realize how much they have accomplished and to figure our what direction they want to take with their lives.

What are their goals, and are those goals realistic and compatible with their talents? Which talents do they want to develop further. Discuss the goals they have for their future, and by extension the goals they see for the family they want to build.

Both Chosson and Kallah must have similar goals and values for the family they will build IY”H. Their understanding of what is meaningful to them should be similar. If he wants to be a Chazan, and she hates Chazonus, there might be serious issues to overcome, especially when he is not home on Rosh Hashana or if he practices at home and she cannot stand hearing him do scales for example.

If this one wants to go on shlichus and this one wants to pursue a career, etc. Each set of circumstances comes with its baggage, and both parties must be ready to accept it. If your daughter wants a boy that will go on shlichus, she has to know that there will be sacrifices she will have to make. She may encounter hardships —real ones, not no pizza on Motzaei Shabbos!

It is more difficult these days to find Shlichus positions, and going on shlichus might entail starting a Chabad house in a new city. That has its own challenges and needs a particular character and talent.

All this has to be discussed. When our girls write they want someone who will go on shlichus, do they realize all the qualities that a person has to have to succeed? All the input they themselves will have to give? Do not use the phrase "going on shlichus" for a shortcut to a certain type of bochur. Spell it out.

Some girls, and boys as well, say they are looking for shlichus but what they are really saying is they want to be away from their parents, they want to be indipendent. Some girls say they want a boy who will go on shlichus when they mean they want a boy who is learning and serious about it. If that is the case say so!

Remember that couples who go on shlichus do so because they wish it with all their might and work hard to get a place. If you are "wishi washi" about it and not 110% dedicated you will not go on shlichus. In such a case you have dimished your chances of finding the right person and accomplished nothing. 

There are many boys out there who are over 23 and tired of doing nothing because they wait for their shidduch. Some go teach, some go learn a profession, some work. Many working boys are chassidish, have steady chavrusas, have good middos, are intellingent and good natured and all the good qualities one may want but because they are working they do not get the opportunity that a less qualified bocher has because he is sitting on a chair in 770.

Don't misunderstand. To those bochrim who are sincerely learning and utilizing their time before getting married to get in as much intense learning as they can now, because they know once married they will have responsibilities, kol hakavod. That is how it should be. But many do not have the "sitz fleish" for it, they do not have the drive, or whatever other reason. They just sit and half heartedly learn because it is the thing to do.

So to conclude: if you are looking for shlichus, sincerely and wholeheartedly, go ahead and stand by your decision. Find the bocher that will match your determination and I am sure you will be great shluchim. If you are just using "going on shlichus" as a buzword, then rearrange your thoughts, look at what qualities you are really looking for in a shidduch and spell them out. Then look at the bochrim that have those qualities, whether they are working or not.

Shadchonim

Unlike our grandparents who married within their own or their relatives acquaintances, and marrying the girl next door was common, today the world has become much bigger, and also much smaller.

A Lubavitcher from one city and a Lubavitcher from another city certainly have a lot in common, but tastes, experiences, goals and dreams are far apart. Just the fact that a boy and a girl are Lubavitch, it does not make them compatible. The fact that two people come from the same neighborhood, does not make them compatible.

No matter where their geographical location, if their goals are similar, if the direction they want to take in life matches, if they think along similar pathways and can talk to each other without having to explain what they mean, that means they are compatible.
When the qualities of one enhance and merge with the qualities of the other, that is compatible.

That is why I find it ineffective when a shadchan just gives a parent a list of names. What use is it? Even if a parent knows the families, which gives him an advantage because he has an idea of background, but each child in a family is an individual and his or her goals might be opposite of what our child is looking for.

Once, the shadchan knew who they were offering, either personally or through research. Some shadchonim do that today, spend time interviewing and making phone calls and when they suggest someone it has been thought out. That is why one should appreciate such a shadchan. They spent numerous hours trying to make the best shidduch they can. Naturally the suggestion does not always work out. Just because two people look good on paper does not make them mesh in person. When one pays a shadchan for a shidduch one does not only show hakoras hatov for suggesting a match for a child but also acknowledges the hours of effort that the shadchan put in on our behalf.

What does go on this list then?

If we have already sat down and talked to our child as previously mentioned, and if we (ourselves as parents and our children) have been able to articulate the qualities, talents and needs (not wants) of our child, then this should not be such a difficult task.

It is necessary to keep the list down to only 6 or 7 items.

• A young lady once told me she would put on the list that the boy be a non-smoker. For her this was obligatory; she would get physically sick at the smell of stale cigarettes. A good number of girls mentioned they want someone who is straight in their dealings with others. He does not make “shtick” he does not “drei”.

I was surprised by that. It did not occur to me when I got married, and my daughters did not think of that when they got married. But times change, and our girls are now concerned that their chosson be honest and straight, with them and with others.

• Another common item on the list is “chassidish”. That is too general of a term to use on this list. Do we know how our child defines Chassidish? Is the way we define it and their interpretation the same? Be specific about what chassidish means to you and your child. This way you can explain what level of chassidish you are looking for when you speak to a shadchan.

• The same thing apples with the description “mentch”. Who is a mentch in your eyes? Is it someone who is thoughtful of others? Is it someone who is responsible? Polite? What constitutes a mentch for you?

• Some families will put on this list “meshichist” or “non-meshichist”. If you are sure that it must be, then list it, but unless it is a very heavy issue for the family, concentrate more on middos rather than “political” affiliation.

• Similar bakgrounds and upbringing, is one of the things that should be considered. Your S/D needs to be on the same “wavelength” as their prospective partner, and they need to be able to understand each other.They may live in two different cities or countries or continents but the families have similar values and outlook.
  

When our Bubbes and Zeides got married their parents knew the families, or their relative knew the families. In the limited world of the shtetl or even in the relatively limited environment of the city, everyone knew almost everyone. Even here in Crown Heights, when our parents grew up, everyone knew everyone.

It was common to marry someone from ones own village or from a relative’s village. Upbringing was similar; tastes and experiences were similar; goals were sometime basic, but they were always along similar lines.

So what do we want now?

He may be a bocher in Yeshiva, a budding businessman, a future lawyer, or a teacher. He is outgoing, introverted, sociable, or reserved. He makes friends easily, loves to learn, is patient, and loves to read. He is on “spilkes” for everything, a laid back kind of guy, or a worrier. Believes he sees a cup half full or half empty etc.

You get the picture, decide on a few basic requirements. Certain qualities are on everyone’s wish list. They are self understood but by all means, review them.

The Rebbe specifies in the Igros Kodesh, Vol XVI, p 101, that one should seek the characteristics of Yiras Shomayim, Tznius, and comparable qualities. We all want our child to marry a mentch, a balabusta, someone with a head on their shoulder and so on. Realize that all these very worthy qualities are extremely subjective. What I consider a balabusta is not what you might consider one. I may be more or less exigent than someone else.

At a workshop I had asked a group of girls to write down up to seven "must haves “ in a shidduch. Some replies were surprising, some were too obvious.

The list should not contain more than 6 or 7 requirements. The more requirements we list, the harder it is to find this mythical person. The more requirements, the more our child feels he/she must “settle” if they are offered someone who is missing some of the list prerequisites.

Please note that I have used the word “required” because a requirement is, according to the dictionary, a necessity or something obligatory. That is exactly what we are looking for. That is the criteria for a quality to be included in our child’s list. It must be a necessity; it must be obligatory—our child cannot live without it.

There is a very narrow range of choice on certain issues. For most people it is not debatable whether they will marry a Lubavitcher or not. To list this as a requirement is to lose a slot on the list for a truly necessary quality.

Additionally listing characteristics that are not realistically reachable is a waste of time. Reaching for the stars with unreasonable requests which are one in a million happenstance, is also a waste of space on this list.

As you work on the list with your S/D or if they work on it alone, try not to list absolutes, such as no person from such and such country or a certain number of years younger or older, a hair color or a certain size in clothes. Being tall or a size 2 is NOT an obvious requirement.

It is true sometimes that people from a certain country have certain characteristics we wish for or absolutely do not wish for, but it is too much of a generalization and might leave out just the person our S/D wants by virtue of his/her birthplace, or happenstance.

What middos are most important for your S/D? These are the things that go on the non-negotiable list.

Make a list

Ask your S/D to make a list with all the qualities that their future Chosson/Kallah must have. It is common for our S/D to look for someone who is like their parents, an uncle or an aunt, in short a person they admire. What they need to realize is that when their parents, their uncle etc., married, they were not who they are today.

We have to explain to them that they cannot expect to marry a finished product.

Both husband and wife grew together and enhanced each others talents and gifts in order to achieve the status they have today. What our S/D should look for is those qualities they deem important in an embryonic stage. If the quality is there then, by helping each other, both husband and wife will achieve the maturity and standing they originally wished for.

In order to be able to make a list of qualities which you and your S/D believe are necessary, your S/D must first come to know him/herself. Let your child define who she/he is at this moment. It is important to realize that what we look for in a partner depends on where we are ourselves. What one person looks for just out of Seminary or while “waiting for a shidduch and learning in 770”, is somewhat different if one is now working (even part time) or involved in shlichus away from home. Priorities change, expand and contract.

This list we are making is fluid as mentioned before. Consider this your blueprint for your future, adjust the list according to your circumstances at this time. What the circumstances were last year may not be relevant enough now. And what they will be a year from now, we do not know.

Rejecting Shidduchim

I mentioned last week about the unfortunate habit of rejecting a shidduch out of hand, with very few solid reasons. He/she is not for me, or she/he is not good enough, they live in Australia, they are French, Israeli, Crowh Heightzers, they have red hair and so on and so forth, are not concrete reasons. Even more, if your child says no because a friend went out with this person and it did not work out that is not a good reason. In fact, that is a major problem, not only in our community but anywhere, and not just with girls but with boys too. Teach your children not to discuss their dates with their friends, ever! There are issues of Loshon Hora, into which I will go into in a future post. But aside from that all important fact, this kind of gossip can destroy a true zivug. I prefer not to discuss this at length now, because the present topic, what and how parents and young man or woman should get ready to look for in a shidduch is very important, But please all of you out there, who are presently involved in shidduchim, think carefully before saying no. Do not think that shidduchim come with a written guarantee of getting your zivug no matter what. You have bechira in this too. If one rejects a zivug, one may get a second chance but not davka. There is a story story about a bocher who brought a list of names to get a Brocha for shiduchim from a godol, (not in Lubavitch). The godol said that the majority had already met and rejected their zivug and of those, 5 had lost it completely because their zivug was married with children. If this makes you hesitate a fraction of a second before saying no next time, it is worth it. In conclusion, especially in today’s climes when it seems so much more difficult to find and make shiduchim, do not reject a possible suggestion out of hand.

What Are You Looking For?

A parent may think they have an idea of what their child needs and likes.

They could be totally wrong.

You need to sit down with your child and discuss what each of you wants.
It may sound facetious but think of it as it is sung in “Fiddler on the Roof”: “For papa, make him a scholar. For mama as rich as a king. For me, … if he was as handsome as anything.”

Everyone, parents and children, have requirements. Now is the time to put them on the table. When parents know exactly what the child is looking for, they will not refuse a viable shidduch because of mis-communication. This should be a reciprocal conversation between the parent or the person in loco parentis, and the child. This must not be a confrontational discussion; rather it is a brainstorming session.

Parents! Do not believe only you know best!

You should suggest or direct your child towards important points, but you have to realize that your child is the one who will get married, and therefore, your child’s requests and wishes should be seriously considered. After all, as we have discussed in previous posts, your child is now mature enough to get married, so he is mature enough to know what he wants.

Your suggestions will be welcomed by your S/D (maybe with a roll of the eyes), but the ultimate decision must be theirs. It is their life!
On the other hand, if your child is looking for the wrong type of spouse who will not complement their qualities and character, and will not take your advice, have a third party they respect, such as a mashpia, speak to them. If your S/D is still being unreasonable and will not accept advice or redirection, then maybe this child is not mature enough to approach this step, and the subject may have to be shelved until later.

It is common that new ideas have to percolate and steep sometimes before they are accepted. Give your S/D (son, daughter) time to assimilate your words. Maybe when the subject comes up again they will now see the wisdom in your suggestion and maybe even think the idea is theirs!

This dialogue is actually good practice. Our children will have to be able to see their spouse’s point of view and not remain stubbornly attached to their own opinion. This is a good lesson in compromise and a sign of their readiness for marriage. It is also a very good occasion to see the sagacity of your child. Can they maintain a serious conversation without flying into a tantrum? Can they listen - not just hear- to the other side’s statement without interrupting and then answer in a logical and well thought-out way?
Incidentally, this is a skill which many long-time married couples have not quite mastered!

Decisions reached at this point are not by any means etched in stone. They can be changed, revised, reinstated, crossed off again and again as the search for a shidduch progresses, because priorities may shift or change.

There are times when name after name comes up, and none of them seem right for your child. When that happens, it is time to re-evaluate and see if you are being too picky or too unrealistic. Look over your lists again!

All our S/Ds are precious, but we as parents should not stand in their way by putting too high of “a price” on them. It has happened more often than necessary that a parent has refused numerous appropriate shidduchim because they were not “good enough” for their S/D. This was due entirely to the parent’s inflated ideas and not based on any real fault on the part of the proposed shidduch.

When looking for a shidduch let us not get sidetracked looking specifically for wealth, beauty and other external things. We are derailing our purpose with such narrow focus.

It could be that a proposed shidduch is not a good fit. Certainly do not accept the match, but if too many offers are rejected on spurious reasons, it is time to reconsider. It could be our priorities are skewed or our objective unreasonable or nonexistent — we will discuss this further in a separate section. In such a case, an objective observer, a mashpia, or a friend of the family should be consulted for their opinion. It is best if they know both you and your child. You can then put all the facts before them: This is what we are; this is what we are looking for; this is why we have rejected previous matches. Don’t be afraid to open up and ask for help from a mashpia or a mumche in shidduchim. Your child’s future is at stake, so do not be shy -- ask for advice. It is important to be as fair as possible when we reject a shidduch. More on this important topic another time.

Answers

I may answer your comments directly, or I may as in this case write a post just to answer. I may even wait to answer a particular query because I am trying to give an order to this posts, a natural progression towards the final goal which is marriage for our children (or for ourselves, as the case may be).

Naturally being a woman I retain the right to interrupt the flow and answer out of sequence sometimes:)). Keep your comments coming.

Here is an answer to Rosie's comment in

"FFBs and BT Matches"

Rosie wrote: So we admit that at the end of the day, marriages between people of different backgrounds do occur and those couples do have to adjust.

Of course couples with different backgrounds marry each other! It happens all the time! Someone from England marries and American, and they have more to adjust than what is the meaning of “boot” (an item of clothing- America - or the trunk of a car- England-). Australians marry Israelis and French marry Russians. All couples need adjustments. They may both be from the same neighborhood but they are still two separate people who have to learn how to file down the edges and fit together hand in glove.That is the giving and compromising im marriage! How many good marriages are there where the two participants are not constantly adjusting their wishes and wants for the other? The best marriages being of course those where both wish and want the same thing in big issues as well as minor ones.

R: Maybe we should also teach children that what they had in mind might not come their way.

There is no maybe to the fact that we must teach children that they cannot wait for all the items on their wish list to be fulfilled. Compromise is the name of the game. Besides some of those items on the wish list may actually be against this good marriage and should not be fulfilled!

A little bit like if we daven with whole heart to win the lottery, but such a win might be a calamity for us instead of a good thing.Research on lottery winners finds that for many lottery winners, the reality is more like a nightmare. "In our culture, there is a widely held belief that money solves problems. People think if they had more money, their troubles would be over. When a family receives sudden money, they frequently learn that money can cause as many problems as it solves," says a financial adviser.

Sometimes we do not get what we daven for because it is not good for us. Similarly sometimes our soulmate only has 3 or 4 out of 7 items on our list. S/he is still our soulmate and the best person to help us fulfill our tikun in this world.

Part of the problem with so many shidduchim these days is that there isn't enough flexibility. In the me generation it takes longer and it takes maturity to turn the "M" of me into a "W" of we.

R: it is not simply a desire to seek a common background but a desire to social climb and the BTs become low on the ladder.

All manner of reasons are considered "less desirable" and "low on the ladder".

Some BT families are so integrated in the community they live in that no one thinks of them as BTs.
As usual the distance between FFB families and BT families is caused by the different points of view and externals. And we all know that where there are differences there is suspicion and objections. We as jews should know this better than anyone else. Because we refuse to conform to the worlds mores and modes we are looked on with suspicion and dislike.
Because of their upbringing , BTs may have differing ways to do things (within Halacha) that sound a discordant note to people who do things like they were done in the shtetel in Russia or like it was done in Berlin, or in Galizia etc. Therefore those BT families that conform more to the methods of things done in Europe instead of Main Street, America may fit in better and not have the problems others do. (Entirely my own thought, and I am simplifying.)

Other reasons why a shidduch is rejected out of hand could be:

Shidduchim where the boy or girl had a wobble in their growing up years are looked at askance. No one is happy with the explanations that they saw the other side and rejected it, therefore they must be stronger than others who did not encounter that test. Yet, these are solid boys and girls who will make great husbands or wives.

What about the boys who went to the army? There are more all the time. Some went in frum and came out frum so why do we put them on a lower rung?

Or people who have a less than illustrious background. It does not mean that they are not just as good or better than someone with name recognition.

Many families get rejected for spurious reasons. And it happens at every level of our society. It is not just the FFBs who are "social climbers" everyone is in one way or another. Families who have yichus may want money and families with money may want yichus etc.

Because we are at the time of Ikvesa DiMeshicha, as Rashi explains the end of Exile, avodas Hashem is harder than ever. Shidduchim are harder than ever.

It is not the methods we use to bring together couples, methods that have worked for a long time under many and varied circumstances, that are wrong. The methods are correct, it is our imput, our expectations and sense of entitlement that does not allow the method to work.

Just because we try to hammer a nail with our foot does not mean the hammer is useless! It means the hammer is useless because we are using a limb that should never be used for this purpose. Use your hand and the hammer will work!

Have the right hashkofos, look for the right things in a shidduch, look behind just the externals and matches will come about.

Time to start

Once you have established that your child is ready to start looking, you need to open a dialogue with your S/D to discuss shiduchim, priorities, needs etc. Which parent will have this conversation with the young man or woman depends on your family dynamics. Sometimes, one parent has a better relationship with a S/D than the other. Let that parent broach the subject.
It could be that the parent that “takes care” of shiduchim is not the appropriate parent to have a heart-to-heart with the kalah meidel or chosen bocher. Let the other parent have the conversation and pass on the results. In the event a child has issues with both parents, a mashpia or other person close to the child should be asked to step in and have this conversation with him or her.
Just because there are strained relations between the child and the parents does not mean the parents should abdicate responsibility for this very important issue. If they cannot deal with it directly, they are responsible to ensure that others help their child navigate the churning sea of shidduchim.
Even if you live on shlichus in a far or isolated place, you have to make the effort to help your son or daughter. Make the first call to the Shadchan or to friends and family in a more populated area. Do not make your child do this on his/her own. They need your guidance no matter how independent they seem!
Keep in touch with all those involved by phone, email or snail mail, whatever you prefer. Show your child that you are concerned about their welfare and that you are following the matter closely.
The responsibility of success does not lie only on their young inexperienced shoulders.
The Rebbe writes in Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p.314, that it is the parents responsibility and, in particular, it is incumbent on the father to arrange the marriage of his daughter. In Vol. XI, p. 226, the Rebbe mentions that it is the father’s obligation to marry off a son.Do not postpone looking for a shiduch for your child. The Rebbe repeatedly told young people not to wait to get married. The time may never be perfectly right, and then, too many years may have passed, and it becomes much more difficult.•

FFBs and BT Matches

It is relatively common for FFB (Frum-from-birth) families to look for other FFB families and at least initially reject BT (Baalei Teshuvah) families. Due to the fact that this is a very sore issue, I would like to explain my opinion on the matter. I welcome any comments on the subject as long as they are written with reason and not only emotion.

We have to realize that usually it is difficult for two individuals to adjust their lives, habits and thoughts to live with one another as a married couple. The first year is a period of adjustment for two individuals that are trying to create one entity. A popular line with speakers is that in marrige 1+1=1. When we look for a match we try to match up background and upbringing, as well as goals and philosophies.

In the case of BT’s and FFB’s the upbringing, experiences and background are even more diverse. The enormous achievement of becoming a BT has an effect on the person and his/her children. The mental processes and points of view are disparate from an FFB. In certain cases, such matches work, but that is the exception to the rule. Therefore, when an FFB family rejects a BT shidduch, it is not just because they do not want a match with a BT, rather, it is because it is difficult enough to be married to someone with a similar background, let alone someone with a different point of view and experiences.

It is true that it is also an instinctive reaction to say no to such a shidduch, and maybe at a later time to accept it. When families first start looking they are only paying attention to the "best of the best" of suggestions. As time passes expectations are lowered and other matches are looked into. Everything is directed from above so if a shidduch is rejected it is because it is not the right one. Or it is not the right time. If it is meant to happen it will. Rejecting shidduchim for non-reasons, such as nationality —”I will never marry an Israeli, Frenchie, Australian” etc. or because a parent does not want to be far from a child, is quite common as well.

We all believe we are in this world to achieve a purpose. That purpose can be attained only by using our unique talents and characteristics. That being the case, we want to find someone who will complement our talents and characteristics and we complete theirs, so we can accomplish our life’s work. Let us not get hung up on labels while we look for a shidduch, and let us not get insulted by rejections either.

These are all milestones on the path of finding our Besherte. No one said the road is freshly paved, on the contrary, there are plenty potholes and glitches to be aware of. Esther HaMalka was zoche to rule over 127 countries because her ancestress Sarah Imeinu, used every second of her 127 years in this world. Rabbi Twersky expounds on the verse: “VeAvrohom Zaken, Bo BaYomim” (He came with his days: literally, he came with his days). When Avrohom was old he came with all his days, because he did not regret a single one of them. Avrohom had in Sarah a true “ezer”, a helpmate who could advise him and compliment his tachlis in life. May we be Zoche to find for our S/D the right helpmate who will complement their qualities and help them accomplish their tachlis.

Evaluation II

Both parents and children might postpone looking for a shidduch because of financial reasons.

The parents don't have the money for a wedding, and the children (especially the boys) feel that they do not have the wherewithal or the skills yet to support a family.

In the Igros Kodesh, Vol.XII, p. 149, the Rebbe writes to someone who is having difficulty in business. The Rebbe exhorts him to follow to the letter the instructions received previously from the Frierdiker Rebbe. The young man had been specifically instructed to first get a shidduch and only THEN go into business. The Rebbe concludes with a ma'amar Chazal which teaches us that a man is blessed because of his wife.

If one looks though the Igros, it is easy to see this is recurring advice. Do not postpone looking for a shidduch because of financial matters. Even though it might be difficult for the parents to afford a wedding, they should not lag in finding shiduchim for their children. One must have Emunah that HKB"H will enable us to find ways and means to meet our obligations.

If there are financial problems, one should limit the wedding expenses. There are organizations that B"H help with this. Let us lower our expectations and not try to compete with the Plony Almonys.

Especially these days where everyone has to be careful with their finances it is an appropriate time to lower wedding extravaganzas. A wedding is enjoyable because of the family's Varemkeit and graciousness towards their guests. Many home-made or low-cost touches can make a difference without breaking the bank. Get advice from people who make weddings for Chassanim and Kallot who require financial help, and they will surely advise you how to trim the budget. The important thing is that the kids should get married and that we do our job in helping them find the right shiduch.

Some pointers to your child's maturity for marriage:
❧ Able to envision oneself building a family ❧ Mature ❧ Independent ❧ Self supportive ❧ Responsible ❧ Reliable ❧ Ready and able to make a lifelong commitment ❧ Not egocentric ❧ Ready to sacrifice their comfort ❧ Compromise to benefit others ❧ Be ready and able to communicate wants and feelings to others ❧ Realistic ❧ Giving

When you help your children look for a life partner it is necessary to be very truthful with yourself and with your S/D. You have to make a cheshbon of your and your child’s abilities, and know where you and your child stand in regards to frumkeit, health, money, and other aspects people look at during shidduchim.

If there are health problems in the family (and please be up front with these problems when you talk to the shadchan), you might have to compromise on your ideal shidduch. If you come from a Baal Teshuva, family you should be aware that there might be some Frum-from -Birth families that will not look at your S/D. Remember, fairness is not the issue here!

The First Step: Evaluate Your Child

We need to look at our child and assess their readiness to form a family of their own. How to decide if your child is ready?

Each case and each child is different. We know that intellectually; Let us apply it practically.

Just because one child went in one direction and the other one has paid lip service to our belief that they are exactly like their brother or sister, now is the time to listen to their voices, to hear what they think they want.

We are not just stating the obvious. Many times parents do not realize that even if two children may seem to be very similar, they are still individuals with individual wants and needs. Just as each labor and delivery is unique, so too, each child's needs are unique, and their shiduchim are unique. When our Chachomim tell us "Chanoch L'Naar al pi Darko" (teach the child according to his needs,) they are directing us to be specific in dealing with each of our children.

Often where there is a close relationship between parent and child, the parent can see the signs that the child has reached the maturity necessary for marriage. In other cases the child may openly tell the parents s/he is ready to be married. In still other cases, the child might be mature enough to marry, but not secure enough of his/her feelings to believe themselves ready for such a commitment. They might even feel so insecure that they won't broach the subject with their parents. It is up to the parents to talk to their children and to encourage them.

Some kids believe they have to be perfect themselves before trying to raise a family. As we all know, perfection is a chimera. Until Moshiach comes we live in an imperfect world. Explain to them that no one is perfect, and no one gets married knowing all that there is to know. Marriage means maturing, growing and learning together. If you believe your S/D is ready for a shidduch, say so, and encourage your child to go ahead.

On the other hand, do not push a child who is not ready. It will only backfire. The bottom line is that it rests upon us as parents to look at our children and determine when they reach the right time. Evaluate their capabilities and their maturity. Then if they are ready - even though WE may feel WE are NOT ready for this -go ahead and start looking into shiduchim.

If you are not good at reading your children or even if you are, get advice from a Mashpia, someone who knows your family and your child well and can advise you. Age alone is no indication of readiness. Some kids are more ready at a young an age than others who are years older.

In some cases the kids have had a friend who has gone though a bad experience in marriage, or r"l the parents' marriage is not one to make an example of. They are understandably scared of getting married themselves. It is beneficial to have a mentor, a mashpia, and sometimes a trained professional speak with them to alleviate their fears, and help them go through with shidduchim. Doing this before one starts with shidduchim will prevent a valid and good shidduch falling apart because of fear of marriage.

Generally, I believe that it is a good thing to start looking earlier rather than later. First of all, if the couple is younger when they marry, they are more flexible about each other's foibles, and they are not so set in their ways that compromise is difficult. They are also more idealistic and less "earth bound" pragmatic, cynic, or what you would call it.

Secondly, when our child has enjoyed his/her own independence, with his/her own money, job, and maybe apartment, the demands for the qualities a mate has to have become more detailed and more insistent. Our child may believe they are more "in touch" with what is good for them than a parent and they may not let themselves be guided by a parent as easily as when they were younger and more unsure of their opinions. They may find it difficult to give up hard won independence and have to share with another person, even more, have to adjust their life and make "space" for someone else.

This is especially true of older singles that have an established career (which in the case of a girl, might have to continue in a different city). At their stage they may try to find someone who will fit into their lives, and will not make allowances for major changes in their own lives or lifestyles. Suffice it to say that it is easier all around if we have the zechus and the Siyata d'Shmaya to marry off our children when they are (relatively) younger.

Dor Yeshorim

Before anything else, once your son or daughter reaches an age where it is possible to get married, they should be tested by Dor Yesharim.

Dor Yeshorim is an anonymous Jewish Genetic Disease carrier screening program. Participants are not given the results of their screening; instead, they receive an identification number. The screening is offered at a heavily subsidized rate. When a couple is considering marriage, both partners submit their identification numbers and are informed whether they are compatible or not. A couple is only considered incompatible if they are both carriers of the same disease.
Dor Yeshorim tests for a number of genetic diseases. Depending on a persons descent: ashkenaz or sefardi or both, different tests will be performed.

One of the first tests Dor Yeshorim tested for at its inception was Tay-Sachs, an always-fatal illness, (they test nowadays for about 9 different genetic anomalies). A horrible malady that killed children of Ashkenazi cuples who were both carriers of the disease. The rate of Tay-Sachs disease among Ashkenazi Jews is approximately 1 in every 3,000 births—nearly 100 times higher than other ethnic groups. Tay-Sachs is inherited in a recessive fashion, which means that both parents must be carriers of the defective gene to have an afflicted child. If both parents are carriers, they have a one in four chance—for each pregnancy—of having a child with Tay-Sachs.

Rabbi Josef Ekstein, from Brooklyn founded Dor Yeshorim in 1983, after losing four of his own children to Tay-Sachs disease. Representatives of Dor Yeshorim go to high schools and take blood samples for the testing. Dor Yeshorim has offices in the US, Canada, Europe and Israel.

If your S/D has taken the test, make sure you know where the number is. If it is lost the blood test has to be repeated. If your S/D did not take the test, do so before starting the shidduchim parsha. You do not want to have to wait at a crucial moment for the test to be taken and results to come, (a number of weeks even if rushed) and definitely you do not want the kids to meet and then find out there may be health incompatibilities ChV'Sh.

Be aware that the blood is only kept for about 4 years (call them). After that date you need a new test. Dor Yesharim can be reached at 718-384-6060.

Resting on our bitochon

The "preferred" age for marriage has fluctuated depending on external political factors. Generations ago people in Europe married before or in their 20's, then came the war and people got married (or remarried) in their 30's and 40's. Then the age of marriage came down to a "normal" 18-22. There were always some girls and boys who did not find their besherte until they were older. Today it seems like there are so many more older boys and girls still unmatched. All are great kids. Why are they not married yet?

There are a lot of complaints about shadchonim: there are not enough, they only care about certain families, they do not do enough, they do not call back and other typical gripes. Whatever our perception of shadchonim is, should not really be an impediment to finding the right shidduch for your S/D. Sure, a shadchan that takes you from the first moment until the kinyan and beyond, would be great. On the other hand, how many things in this life are handed to us on a platter?

When we look for a job or an apartment, we exert ourselves, go to interviews, talk to everyone we meet, and, in general, leave no stone unturned. If we put our energies and minds to the task of shidduchim as we do with other tasks, the chances of success, with or without a shadchan, will be very good.

After all, do we not say in the 12 Pesukin: If someone says, 'Yagati ve lo matzati, al ta'amin' 'I have searched, and I have not found," don't believe him. (If someone says, "I have not worked hard and I have succeeded," don't believe him. If someone says, "I have worked hard, and I have been successful," believe him! (Moed, Megilla, 6b)): Here it bears repeating that we must do our best and put our best efforts forward without forgetting that our "partner ", the Aibishter, is really doing the lion share of the work and when He deems that it is the right time it will happen.

In my personal experience, only one out of three shiduchim (so far), went through a professional shadchan. Family and close friends were the shliach HKB"H sent for the other two. Our family, friends and neighbors are de facto shadchonim. Let us not wring our hands and say that there are no professional shadchonim who can help us. Let us not complain ad infinitum that most shadchonim these days give us only names and do not really try to match up personalities. In a world that wants everything to be easy and instant (and throwaway) shidduchim are a rude wake up call. Suddently it take effort to accomplish our goal! Why is this surprising to us yidden? Isn't yiddishkeit a training in effort? Do we not put effort in davening, yirat shamayim, keeping mitzvos, doing mivtzoim, learning, teaching etc.? Or do we just coast and do things by rote.

I heard and explanation about the very oft quoted Gemorah "kashe zivugo shel odom kekrias yamsuf" (which some explain to refer only to Zivug sheini). The speaker (I forgot who it was) mentioned that just like the Yamsuf did not split until the Yidden cried for it to happen and Nachshom ben Aminodov actually went into the waters up to his neck (Sota 37b; Shemos Rabba 21:10), the same way a shidduch needs our comlete immersion (pun intended). The yidden were apprehensive about entering the Yamsuf and Nachshon had enough bitochon to go into the waters. We are all apprehensive about entering the sea of shidduchim, but we must have enough bitochon to do our hishtadlus and rely that HKB"H will bring about a shidduch. Krias Yamsuf happened just before dawn. The same way when one is looking for a shidduch it feels like s/he is in darkness and there is no relief, that is when our davening is the most heartfelt and sincere, and that brings about Hashem's yeshua.

Furthermore, the sea split 12 ways one for each shevet, just as each shevet had their own derech so does each person. Each one should find their own hishtadlus and their own individual path that will bring them to find their zivug.

Shidduchim is a challenge that needs our full effort, and our bitochon. We must believe that Hakodosh Boruch Hu will send us the right shliach and the right zivug for our children. But we also need to do our part. Knowing that it is "beshert" that hashgacha protis will bring us the right match, no matter if from next door or another continent does not mean we wait for it like "manna from heaven". We must search and ask and research, and accept defeat, and sometimes insult. And then it will happen, in a blink, the right one will come along, the research will be uncomplicated, things we thought so important become irrelevant, and we stand with a bright smile accepting congratulations!

What you will see in the following chapters is common sense practical advice. It may be something that makes you exclaim: "duh" (to use current slang), but even if it is obvious to you it may be news to someone else. Bear with me.

Grooming and Tznius

We are all familiar with the drill: once our S/D (son/daughter) reaches a certain age, we try to make sure their wardrobe is commensurate with the "Kallah maidel"/"Chosson Bochur" ideal.
Do we realize that our own appearance will be under scrutiny as well?

It is now time to take a hard look at ourselves and maybe invest in that new sheitel or outfit we have been postponing. Add that accessory to our wardrobe to give it flair. We need not incur great expense to do this. Sometimes all we need to remember is to put on a drop of lipstick before leaving the house. It makes us look well groomed without expending too much effort. We do not need to change our lifestyle (and we shouldn't because that is not who we are), but we need to be aware of how others will look at us and be sure to always present a pleasant and neat appearance.

We all take care of our husband's clothes as a matter of course. Let us now take a good careful look and make sure that that button is sewn on right away, his shirt and pants look ironed, his sirtuk (kappote) is not torn, and so on. Yes, they are little things, but they may make an impression on someone looking at your family. After all you want to portray yourself in the best light.

There will always be those who will say: "It is not my problem what people may think!" In this respect, they are wrong. At this time, you are selling an image, a put-together, normal family who anyone would love to belong to. People don't know who you are. They only relate to you by the way you present yourself. Presentation is nine-tenths of perception. It may not be fair, but it is true. You cannot control who will be asked for references about you. Even if you give a list of names, people may have their own resources and contacts you would not expect to be asked. Maybe those contacts might see you in a different light than the light in which your friends see you.

Another thing we should never overlook, and not just at this time, but always, is our tznius. Always make sure ourselves and our families are dressed according to halacha. We the women are the builders of our homes - "Isha Kesheira Bunsa Beisa" - and our families follow our example. Our daughters especially will follow in our direction, if our sleeves are short or our skirts are a bit too "right" and ride up when we sit.

A previously mentioned, it is useless to tell our children "Do as I say and not as I do." If we see that the tznius in our daughters is not what it should be, let us examine ourselves. There must be something we are not being careful with.

Tznius is one of the hardest things, because it does not depend entirely on the letter of the law but the spirit of the law is considered as well.

I recently heard an interpretation of a Medrash in Ruth by Mrs. Palatnick. The Medrash tells us that Neomi tried to dissuade her daughter in law Ruth from following, by telling her about what she would have to keep if she became a Jewess, and one of the things she told her was that Jewesses do not go to theaters and circuses. She told her "es pass nisht" it is not proper. What she was explaining to Ruth was that, not only do you have to follow what the law says, but you also have to be careful of "es pass nisht". You are wearing something that cannot be said is not tzniusdick according to the letter of the law, but: es pass nisht. It is not appropriate. For a princess, for a basmelech, a bas Yisroel, es pass nisht. Let us be proud of what we are and let us dress accordingly.

Social Skills and Manners

In most community the girls generally stay at home longer than the boys. Most girls do not leave until seminary, very few leave for high school, which is instead very common with the boys. Some boys leave right after Bar Mitzvah, (we are not talking about children of shluchim that may leave even younger and live with relatives in order to go to a chassidishe school.) others leave a year or two later to go to Yeshiva.

It is important that we teach our boys some social skills before they leave the house. For some boys, these will be natural skills that are part of their personality. They can charm all kind of people effortlessly. Great! But what about other boys for whom social skills do not come as easy?

Do not think your son will get by without them. It does not matter if he intends to spend his life in Kollel, on shlichus, teaching, as a sofer, or even in business. In any situation, social skills are very necessary, especially as a shliach bringing people closer to Yiddishkeit or fundraising for your Chabad House.

An example was brought to my attention recently: A young man was fundraising for an organization and he called a distant relative after Yom Tov. After chatting about Yom Tov etc., the young man said nonchalantly, that the real reason he called was to see if he could get the same donation this year as the realative had given the year before.

The relative got very offended that the reason they got a call was just to fundraise?? Someone who had learned some tact would have called just to chat, and then a few days later he would have called to ask for a donation. He would have known that some people may feel put upon if they just get a call asking for money, when they expect a social call.

In any profession one has to know how to act: a teacher has to know how to deal with parents and other staff. A sofer has to deal with customers or distributors etc. Most importantly, any man needs social skills to be with his future wife. How to be a mench and how to have basic manners (I do not mean opening doors), is also part of preparing our sons for the Chuppa. Just as we will push them to learn, to daven with Kavona, to go on mivtzoim, we must also instill them with enough social skills to be socially adept. As amazing as it may seem to us, shiduchim were ruined simply because the bochur could not eat with his mouth closed. Or he kept interrupting, or he was not respectful to an older person.

We should also teach them to keep a neat appearance. They do not need to be fashion plates, just make sure they are not all rumpled and untidy. Rabbi Dessler used to tell his talmidim to make sure they checked in a mirror before leaving the house that they looked presentable. They should not do it for themselves but for the Kovod of the Torah they represent and learn.

Preparations

After a Bris, the father of the infant and the Mohel finish a Tefilah with the words: "…and raise him to Torah, Chupa and Maasim Tovim."

When do our preparations for chuppa start? When our children are infants; when we raise them with the right middos and with the right hashkofos; when we raise them with Torah and Maasim Tovim, we are also preparing them for the Chuppa.

By our example, we show our kids how husband and wife should act towards each other. We show them the respect that should exist between a husband and wife, and we show them in the daily give and take how to behave towards one another.

We cannot say: "Do as I say and not as I do." That will not work. If the father does not go to shul everyday, how can he expect his son to do so? If a mother does not show respect to her husband, how are the children supposed to?

There is a story that of a 3 year old in Israel who used to go around the house motioning with his hands as if he was putting on Tefillin and kissing his Shel Rosh and Shel Yad. People who saw it mentioned what a wonder child he is, how holy! They started bringing him Kvitlach, asking for brochos etc. Then someone went to a Godol and told him the story of this wonder child. The Godol said: "Wonder' shmonder. Tell the child's father to stop davening at home and to daven with a minyan!!"

So, if we want our children to be ready for the Chuppa, if we want to teach them how to have a happy marriage, we must show them how. We all want that our boys should grow up to be masmidim. We all want them to be the best bochrim in their Yeshivah, to be able to learn, to be able to "shtaig" etc. In Lubavitch, we want them to go on Mivtzoim, on shlichus. We want them to join in farbrengens and be more chassidish. If they see their fathers doing the best they can, davening with a minyan, setting aside time to learn, trying to fit in mivtzoim in their busy lives, they will grow up to make us more proud than we can imagine. But if we expect them to do all these things because they should, but we, ourselves, are too busy to make time for it, our message goes a bit astray.

If this has happened to you, that you said "do as I say and not as I do" and the results have been less than stellar, do not think that it is too late. If your kids are still young it is easy for you to change your ways, (do tshuva :)) and show them a different, better way. They will definitely learn much from your strength of character, that you saw a lack and remedied it.

If your children are grown, you can still change your ways, and talk to them and explain how you heard an inspiring speaker, or read a sefer or whatever, that made you realize your way was not the correct way and you wish them to follow the "new improved you" rather than the old ways.

The point of these articles

Following will be a series of articles which were published in a newspaper. Some of them were translated in Hebrew and published in the Mishpacha Chassidit Magazine. After numerous requests for past copies of the articles I decided to publish them in this format.
I am not putting them all on at the same time, have patience and they will all be published.

Chazal tell us that all beginnings are difficult. Sometimes the hardest part is to actually start the search.. If through these articles I can help you improve your chances to start on the right foot and be successful in this endeavor, it will be well worth the effort. May these pages give you the impetus necessary to reach the beautiful conclusion of the blessing of the Lubavitcher Rebbe: "Mazal Tov! May their home be an everlasting edifice on the foundation of Torah and Mitzvos and their life blessed with happiness in all things."

Even if this is not your first foray into the field it is still a bewildering and perplexing journey especially when the advice you receive is so contradictory that you feel as if you received no advice at all. Besides the fact that every time one starts again if seems all the rules have changed, (or most of them anyway).

It is also important to keep in mind that each child is different, and therefore, our experiences with each one will seem to be uncharted territory.

Your previous know-how may even hinder progress as you try to reenact earlier scenarios. Therefore, let us approach the shidduch for each child as if it is the first time. Any previous experience we have should be used exclusively as a reference.

I am directing myself at parents or others in loco parentis. This does not mean that these articles will not help if you are in the position of having to look for yourself.

Marriages are made in Heaven II

Why is it that when it comes to the Parsha of Shidduchim everyone is so fearful?
It is not just the children, but also the parents and the Shadchonim who agree this is a difficult period.
Why is it perceived to be so hard by everyone?

True, it is a decision that will affect our children's whole life and we do not want to make mistakes. On the other hand, there are other decisions we make as we raise our children, that will also affect their whole lives, and we do not universally agonize over those decisions as much as on this one.

Decisions such as finding the right Yeshiva, Mesivta, Zal, Shlichus or Seminary should also be deliberated carefully and at length. The right Seminary or Beis Medrash can give the right hashkafa, the right impetus to our children for the rest of their lives. If we send our child to the wrong place and they do not gain anything that year or Chas V'sholom because of our decision they actually get labeled as troublemakers or lazy or what have you. Should we just decide on the basis of what their friends or our friends are doing? Should this not also be a well-thought- out decision and therefore fraught with anxiety?

It is my opinion that we erroneously believe that we have control over the decisions we make in life. We think we have control over our parnosso, over where we live, over all kind of decisions we make daily. We think that we make a good living because we work hard, or we are talented, or other such reasons, but in reality, it all comes from Hakadosh Baruch Hu. How much we will make in a year is decided on Yom Kippur, how healthy we will be, how successful etc., etc., all of it comes directly from Hashem.

We do not live in the Midbar anymore, but we should really feel like the Yidden did then. Sustenance comes to us day by day directly from Hashem. So do all the others pieces that make up our lives. Somehow, although we know this, it is relegated to the back of our minds; it is not something we acknowledge daily, or at any time things go our way.

In the Parsha of Beshalach, Moshe tells B'nei Yisroel to take just one portion of Mohn per house member. Some take more, some take less, but when they come home and measure, each one only has one portion per household member. It is not necessary to work oneself to the bone, never take vacations, never be home for your kids. The portion allotted to you is still going to be the same. A person must do his or her job conscientiously, but to be a workaholic plays no purpose.

When it comes to Shiduchim, though, we all have to acknowledge that we have no control whatsoever over the situation. We know that all we can do is our Hishtadlus. We must daven, we must do all we can to bring about a favorable outcome, but ultimately, it is not in our control. It is entirely up to the Eibishter. In this one respect we all recognize, maybe even if only subconsciously, that we are not in control. Boy! Is that scary! No wonder everyone takes looking for a shidduch particularly seriously.

We should realize that it is not up to us to choose the sheliach that will make the right match for our S/D (Son/Daughter). If we were not successful with our visits to the shadchonim, if they could not, or they would not help us, we should not blame them. If we expend our time and energy complaining that the shadchonim did not do their jobs, were not efficient, or caring enough, we will not have the time and energy to look elsewhere. Maybe the shadchonim we went to were not the right shluchim for us.

Arranging shidduchim is one of Hashem's main preoccupations since the creation of the world. Let us all have bitachon that Hashem's guidance through Hashgacha Pratis will lead us in the right direction. He has done so with every other aspect of our lives! Even though it might be taking a bit longer than we expected, if we do our part, it will happen at the right time, Im Yirza Hashem.

It is propitious for the prospective Chosson or Kallah to daven for themselves and for their friends to have Siyata D'Shemaya in the Parsha of shiduchim. HKB"H wants us to daven, and sometimes things may not happen until we put our hearts into our Tefilos.