Non Traditional Methods Cont'd

It is not as unusual as it once was to let "Mame Liebe" do the job. Which means when a couple meets and "falls in LOVE".

In the best situation once the couple has been dating for a while and they want to marry, they will approach the parents and lay the situation out for them. Or the parents may find out on their own about the couple.

Although the reaction of a parent when faced with such a request might resemble something somewhat closer to fireworks than flowers, parents should consider that the children did come to them eventually, and want to do this in the proper manner after all. No matter what let us consider that like everything else this is also definitely Hashgacha Protis. Hashem does bring about shidduchim in a lot of different ways, and due to the level this couple was in this was the way it had to work out.

The worse scenario is when the parents find out that their child is just happy dating and has no thought of marriage!

But let us look at the more positive way: either the kids tell the parents they wish to get married and need their help with the wedding, or the parents find out on their own and confront their kids. Either way the parents should take a deep breath and count to ten before even thinking about the situation. Do not, absolutely do not, say the first thing that comes to mind. You are closing the door before it is even open.

By coming to you, the couple is acknowledging that they cannot do this alone and hopefully they are willing to listen to your advice. You have to realize that rehashing past behavior at this point is counterproductive. You have been put in a spot you do not wish to be in, but have no choice about. As they are so fond to say in this country, when you are given lemons, make lemonade. Maybe this is a good thing for your child, and if you manage this correctly, only good will come from it.

Consider the situation from this point forward. Do the research into the boy or girl as you would do in a normal case. If for no other reason, do it at least for your own peace of mind. Share your research with your child. If what you find is negative, explain your concerns to your child, calmly and logically. You may be able to influence him or her to your way of thinking, or you may give yourself more time, and anything may happen with time. An infatuation may be replaced by another interest, or they may fall out of “love” just as they fell into it.

The one most important thing to remember is to keep the dialogue open with your child. Even if one of the parents cannot be rational or logical in this situation, the other has to stay in touch and maintain an open channel.

When you show your displeasure to your child, make sure he/she understands that it is the circumstances and his/her choices that you are displeased about, but that you still love him or her. It is the action you hate and not the child. A benefit of keeping an open channel with your child is that they may listen to your advice on how to build a Bayis Neemon. They may be willing to accept a slightly more stringent lifestyle than they would otherwise because you were logical and persuasive about the necessity of keeping certain mitzvos and boundaries.

Give and Take

Yiddishkeit believes in giving: Klal Yisroel are responsible one for the other. We give tzedokah. We look out for each other. We try not to talk Loshon Hora and hurt others. We do Hachnasos Orchim and so on.

The world at large lives by a diametrically opposite mantra: "What's in it for me?"

If Chv”sh we go into shiduchim with a "What's in it for me?" attitude we better think again, and change our philosophy. By making the list, we get a chance to reflect with our child on what they need, and weigh their requests to see how much "take" there is in them.

When a person gives the other one takes. All Yidden wish to give more than to take. Yidden are Gomlei Chasodim after all.

I heard a story during a lecture that illustrates this give and take. After one of the horrific bombings in Yerushalayim, a neighbor of a family that was on the bus took on the task of helping them out with meals, babysitting and general help during the time the family was recuperating from the injuries of the terrorist attack. The mother of the injured family repeatedly tried to give something back to the benefactors but they would not hear about it. Finally just before the benefactors had to travel to the US the injured family was able to convince their benefactors to accept dinner before their departure. The injured family send a full meal over from soup to nuts as they say.

Only after the benefactor saw the effort that the injured family put into this dinner did they realized how hard it had been for them to accept all the help and not be able to give back!

That chazal tell us is why the Aibishter asks for us to do Mitzvos so we can get rewarded. When one earns one's way it is infinitely more satisfying.

So too in marriage, it is not healthy if one side feels s/he is always giving and the other is always receiving. Both partners have to learn when to give and when to receive.

Our children must be ready to give of themselves selflessly to build a marriage, but they have to know what qualities they need in their partner that will complement theirs. They will divide their responsibilities and their goals according to their individual strength and weeknesses and will support and encourage each other. That is why they must make a cheshbon nefesh and come to understand themselves better, before embarking on a shidduch search.

They should think: "I have this quality which will be employed in the most positive way if my spouse has this other quality." This is very difficult to do, don’t we all try on Yom Kippur to do a cheshbon nefesh and resolve to improve in the coming year? How often are we really accurate in judging ourselves? I am sure the percentage for the regular person is pretty low, so how can we ask our young children to do this?

We can help them by being there for them and by helping them with our insight to figure out their nature and needs. And if we need help? There is nothing wrong, but much good, to be found in asking the help of a mashpia, a mechanech or mechaneches who knows our child well.

Keep in mind and tell your child that the end result is not a shopping list. We cannot always find every single item that we want. And even in the rare cases where one does, marriage takes work from both sides. Only if both partners put effort in the marriage will it be successful. Marriage is work, but we can make it as pleasant as possible if both sides are willing to GIVE.

Here are some adjectives for your list that might ring a bell for you:
Emotionally stable, hard-working, charitable, even-tempered, born leader, generous, flexible, agreeable, ‘aidel’, strong-willed, outgoing, patient, reserved, playful, humorous, kind, meticulous, low-key, energetic, stable, sensitive, resilient, ambitious, perceptive, open-minded.

The Perfect Mate

Make sure when you discuss with your S/D what they want in a mate that such a spouse actually exist.

A thought to ponder: “I spent my life looking for the perfect woman, and I finally found her....but she was looking for the perfect man.”

Someone who wants a partner who is giving, sensitive, ambitious and decisive, will rarely find such a person. Sensitive, decisive and ambitious rarely come together. They may not realize how their wishes contradict one another. This makes fulfilling those wishes impossible because no such combination exists. Or if it does exist, it is extremely rare. Therefore the qualities our children choose for their spouses have to make up a real person.

Imagine a face made up by a very skilled surgeon with the best eye shape and nose shape and mouth, cheekbones etc. Just because each individual feature is the "best" or the most admired by the world at that time, this does not mean that the face will be beautiful. Sometimes we see in magazines people who have changed their nose, and they looked better before!

Our children should not pick and choose random qualities . Rather, based on their own characteristics, they should come up with a possible real person.

Another contradiction is when our children look for someone very chassidish that is totally immersed in learning but who will not mind if they go out to movies or have all kinds of magazines around the house or maybe a TV in the closet. It is not reasonable to expect a chassidishe bochur to accept that. What about the influence on future children. One cannot change at the drop of a hat.
I have heard girls say that they will stop watching videos or going to movies when they are expecting. Or that they will only watch when the husband is not home. That is not reasonable.
It is not the movie alone that is the problem, it is the entire atmosphere and way of thinking that comes into the house with it. So, if she wants to be able to do that, look for a boy who is able to accept that and realize that he will not be the most chassidish of boys. He cannot be.

In some cases when your child goes out, they might choose someone who is different from the person he/she had on paper. This may happen because the list was not based on the realistic needs of the child but more on wishful thinking. Your S/D should look at their own qualities and base their list on complementary aspects for his/her partner.

Sometimes a person thinks that they will change their prospective mate. They do not realize that both will change in the course of their marriage but not fundamentally. If our child does not like a particular characteristic, they will not be able to eradicate it. If they like a particular quality, they will be able to enhance it. Never go ahead with a marriage with the thought that you will change your partner.

Back to list making

When compiling this list, your Son/Daughter, should look at themselves and figure out what are their talents and best character traits. It will be much easier to articulate who they are looking for once they know themselves better.

We should be concious of the fact that it is very hard to know oneself and realize our own merits and demerits. Adults find this hard to do, vertainly our adolescents will find it much harder.

They may not realize how good they are at solving problems, or that they are peacemakers, great with children, or are very sensible. They may belittle their own talents and take them for granted. Encourage them to realize how much they have accomplished and to figure our what direction they want to take with their lives.

What are their goals, and are those goals realistic and compatible with their talents? Which talents do they want to develop further. Discuss the goals they have for their future, and by extension the goals they see for the family they want to build.

Both Chosson and Kallah must have similar goals and values for the family they will build IY”H. Their understanding of what is meaningful to them should be similar. If he wants to be a Chazan, and she hates Chazonus, there might be serious issues to overcome, especially when he is not home on Rosh Hashana or if he practices at home and she cannot stand hearing him do scales for example.

If this one wants to go on shlichus and this one wants to pursue a career, etc. Each set of circumstances comes with its baggage, and both parties must be ready to accept it. If your daughter wants a boy that will go on shlichus, she has to know that there will be sacrifices she will have to make. She may encounter hardships —real ones, not no pizza on Motzaei Shabbos!

It is more difficult these days to find Shlichus positions, and going on shlichus might entail starting a Chabad house in a new city. That has its own challenges and needs a particular character and talent.

All this has to be discussed. When our girls write they want someone who will go on shlichus, do they realize all the qualities that a person has to have to succeed? All the input they themselves will have to give? Do not use the phrase "going on shlichus" for a shortcut to a certain type of bochur. Spell it out.

Some girls, and boys as well, say they are looking for shlichus but what they are really saying is they want to be away from their parents, they want to be indipendent. Some girls say they want a boy who will go on shlichus when they mean they want a boy who is learning and serious about it. If that is the case say so!

Remember that couples who go on shlichus do so because they wish it with all their might and work hard to get a place. If you are "wishi washi" about it and not 110% dedicated you will not go on shlichus. In such a case you have dimished your chances of finding the right person and accomplished nothing. 

There are many boys out there who are over 23 and tired of doing nothing because they wait for their shidduch. Some go teach, some go learn a profession, some work. Many working boys are chassidish, have steady chavrusas, have good middos, are intellingent and good natured and all the good qualities one may want but because they are working they do not get the opportunity that a less qualified bocher has because he is sitting on a chair in 770.

Don't misunderstand. To those bochrim who are sincerely learning and utilizing their time before getting married to get in as much intense learning as they can now, because they know once married they will have responsibilities, kol hakavod. That is how it should be. But many do not have the "sitz fleish" for it, they do not have the drive, or whatever other reason. They just sit and half heartedly learn because it is the thing to do.

So to conclude: if you are looking for shlichus, sincerely and wholeheartedly, go ahead and stand by your decision. Find the bocher that will match your determination and I am sure you will be great shluchim. If you are just using "going on shlichus" as a buzword, then rearrange your thoughts, look at what qualities you are really looking for in a shidduch and spell them out. Then look at the bochrim that have those qualities, whether they are working or not.

The First Step: Evaluate Your Child

We need to look at our child and assess their readiness to form a family of their own. How to decide if your child is ready?

Each case and each child is different. We know that intellectually; Let us apply it practically.

Just because one child went in one direction and the other one has paid lip service to our belief that they are exactly like their brother or sister, now is the time to listen to their voices, to hear what they think they want.

We are not just stating the obvious. Many times parents do not realize that even if two children may seem to be very similar, they are still individuals with individual wants and needs. Just as each labor and delivery is unique, so too, each child's needs are unique, and their shiduchim are unique. When our Chachomim tell us "Chanoch L'Naar al pi Darko" (teach the child according to his needs,) they are directing us to be specific in dealing with each of our children.

Often where there is a close relationship between parent and child, the parent can see the signs that the child has reached the maturity necessary for marriage. In other cases the child may openly tell the parents s/he is ready to be married. In still other cases, the child might be mature enough to marry, but not secure enough of his/her feelings to believe themselves ready for such a commitment. They might even feel so insecure that they won't broach the subject with their parents. It is up to the parents to talk to their children and to encourage them.

Some kids believe they have to be perfect themselves before trying to raise a family. As we all know, perfection is a chimera. Until Moshiach comes we live in an imperfect world. Explain to them that no one is perfect, and no one gets married knowing all that there is to know. Marriage means maturing, growing and learning together. If you believe your S/D is ready for a shidduch, say so, and encourage your child to go ahead.

On the other hand, do not push a child who is not ready. It will only backfire. The bottom line is that it rests upon us as parents to look at our children and determine when they reach the right time. Evaluate their capabilities and their maturity. Then if they are ready - even though WE may feel WE are NOT ready for this -go ahead and start looking into shiduchim.

If you are not good at reading your children or even if you are, get advice from a Mashpia, someone who knows your family and your child well and can advise you. Age alone is no indication of readiness. Some kids are more ready at a young an age than others who are years older.

In some cases the kids have had a friend who has gone though a bad experience in marriage, or r"l the parents' marriage is not one to make an example of. They are understandably scared of getting married themselves. It is beneficial to have a mentor, a mashpia, and sometimes a trained professional speak with them to alleviate their fears, and help them go through with shidduchim. Doing this before one starts with shidduchim will prevent a valid and good shidduch falling apart because of fear of marriage.

Generally, I believe that it is a good thing to start looking earlier rather than later. First of all, if the couple is younger when they marry, they are more flexible about each other's foibles, and they are not so set in their ways that compromise is difficult. They are also more idealistic and less "earth bound" pragmatic, cynic, or what you would call it.

Secondly, when our child has enjoyed his/her own independence, with his/her own money, job, and maybe apartment, the demands for the qualities a mate has to have become more detailed and more insistent. Our child may believe they are more "in touch" with what is good for them than a parent and they may not let themselves be guided by a parent as easily as when they were younger and more unsure of their opinions. They may find it difficult to give up hard won independence and have to share with another person, even more, have to adjust their life and make "space" for someone else.

This is especially true of older singles that have an established career (which in the case of a girl, might have to continue in a different city). At their stage they may try to find someone who will fit into their lives, and will not make allowances for major changes in their own lives or lifestyles. Suffice it to say that it is easier all around if we have the zechus and the Siyata d'Shmaya to marry off our children when they are (relatively) younger.