Friday, December 4, 2009

Non Traditional Methods Cont'd

It is not as unusual as it once was to let "Mame Liebe" do the job. Which means when a couple meets and "falls in LOVE".

In the best situation once the couple has been dating for a while and they want to marry, they will approach the parents and lay the situation out for them. Or the parents may find out on their own about the couple.

Although the reaction of a parent when faced with such a request might resemble something somewhat closer to fireworks than flowers, parents should consider that the children did come to them eventually, and want to do this in the proper manner after all. No matter what let us consider that like everything else this is also definitely Hashgacha Protis. Hashem does bring about shidduchim in a lot of different ways, and due to the level this couple was in this was the way it had to work out.

The worse scenario is when the parents find out that their child is just happy dating and has no thought of marriage!

But let us look at the more positive way: either the kids tell the parents they wish to get married and need their help with the wedding, or the parents find out on their own and confront their kids. Either way the parents should take a deep breath and count to ten before even thinking about the situation. Do not, absolutely do not, say the first thing that comes to mind. You are closing the door before it is even open.

By coming to you, the couple is acknowledging that they cannot do this alone and hopefully they are willing to listen to your advice. You have to realize that rehashing past behavior at this point is counterproductive. You have been put in a spot you do not wish to be in, but have no choice about. As they are so fond to say in this country, when you are given lemons, make lemonade. Maybe this is a good thing for your child, and if you manage this correctly, only good will come from it.

Consider the situation from this point forward. Do the research into the boy or girl as you would do in a normal case. If for no other reason, do it at least for your own peace of mind. Share your research with your child. If what you find is negative, explain your concerns to your child, calmly and logically. You may be able to influence him or her to your way of thinking, or you may give yourself more time, and anything may happen with time. An infatuation may be replaced by another interest, or they may fall out of “love” just as they fell into it.

The one most important thing to remember is to keep the dialogue open with your child. Even if one of the parents cannot be rational or logical in this situation, the other has to stay in touch and maintain an open channel.

When you show your displeasure to your child, make sure he/she understands that it is the circumstances and his/her choices that you are displeased about, but that you still love him or her. It is the action you hate and not the child. A benefit of keeping an open channel with your child is that they may listen to your advice on how to build a Bayis Neemon. They may be willing to accept a slightly more stringent lifestyle than they would otherwise because you were logical and persuasive about the necessity of keeping certain mitzvos and boundaries.


Anonymous said...

very true!
also really hard