Friday, November 7, 2008

Marriages are made in Heaven II

Why is it that when it comes to the Parsha of Shidduchim everyone is so fearful?
It is not just the children, but also the parents and the Shadchonim who agree this is a difficult period.
Why is it perceived to be so hard by everyone?

True, it is a decision that will affect our children's whole life and we do not want to make mistakes. On the other hand, there are other decisions we make as we raise our children, that will also affect their whole lives, and we do not universally agonize over those decisions as much as on this one.

Decisions such as finding the right Yeshiva, Mesivta, Zal, Shlichus or Seminary should also be deliberated carefully and at length. The right Seminary or Beis Medrash can give the right hashkafa, the right impetus to our children for the rest of their lives. If we send our child to the wrong place and they do not gain anything that year or Chas V'sholom because of our decision they actually get labeled as troublemakers or lazy or what have you. Should we just decide on the basis of what their friends or our friends are doing? Should this not also be a well-thought- out decision and therefore fraught with anxiety?

It is my opinion that we erroneously believe that we have control over the decisions we make in life. We think we have control over our parnosso, over where we live, over all kind of decisions we make daily. We think that we make a good living because we work hard, or we are talented, or other such reasons, but in reality, it all comes from Hakadosh Baruch Hu. How much we will make in a year is decided on Yom Kippur, how healthy we will be, how successful etc., etc., all of it comes directly from Hashem.

We do not live in the Midbar anymore, but we should really feel like the Yidden did then. Sustenance comes to us day by day directly from Hashem. So do all the others pieces that make up our lives. Somehow, although we know this, it is relegated to the back of our minds; it is not something we acknowledge daily, or at any time things go our way.

In the Parsha of Beshalach, Moshe tells B'nei Yisroel to take just one portion of Mohn per house member. Some take more, some take less, but when they come home and measure, each one only has one portion per household member. It is not necessary to work oneself to the bone, never take vacations, never be home for your kids. The portion allotted to you is still going to be the same. A person must do his or her job conscientiously, but to be a workaholic plays no purpose.

When it comes to Shiduchim, though, we all have to acknowledge that we have no control whatsoever over the situation. We know that all we can do is our Hishtadlus. We must daven, we must do all we can to bring about a favorable outcome, but ultimately, it is not in our control. It is entirely up to the Eibishter. In this one respect we all recognize, maybe even if only subconsciously, that we are not in control. Boy! Is that scary! No wonder everyone takes looking for a shidduch particularly seriously.

We should realize that it is not up to us to choose the sheliach that will make the right match for our S/D (Son/Daughter). If we were not successful with our visits to the shadchonim, if they could not, or they would not help us, we should not blame them. If we expend our time and energy complaining that the shadchonim did not do their jobs, were not efficient, or caring enough, we will not have the time and energy to look elsewhere. Maybe the shadchonim we went to were not the right shluchim for us.

Arranging shidduchim is one of Hashem's main preoccupations since the creation of the world. Let us all have bitachon that Hashem's guidance through Hashgacha Pratis will lead us in the right direction. He has done so with every other aspect of our lives! Even though it might be taking a bit longer than we expected, if we do our part, it will happen at the right time, Im Yirza Hashem.

It is propitious for the prospective Chosson or Kallah to daven for themselves and for their friends to have Siyata D'Shemaya in the Parsha of shiduchim. HKB"H wants us to daven, and sometimes things may not happen until we put our hearts into our Tefilos.