Thursday, November 6, 2008

Marriages are made in Heaven

This is certainly no chidush. We all know marriages are made in heaven, so why mention it at all and why first thing?

Although we are all aware of this concept in theory; practically, while we are involved in our search for a shiduch, we might forget this and lose sight of where it all comes from: Shamaim, Heaven.

It is precisely when we lose sight of this important point that we get stressed out, anxious and upset, etc.

If, for example, a shiduch falls through, we should not blame the people who gave references, or the gossip, or the shadchen. It is simply that this shiduch was not meant to be. You are now one step closer to the right match.

Just as the name of the right zivug is called out 40 days after conception, so are the names of all the shidduchim one goes through before meeting the right zivug. Therefore, if a shidduch suggestion falls through, it is a good thing, this brings us ever closer to the right one. Everyone believes their (Son or Daughter) S/D is superior, but you need to realize that your terrific S/D might be perfect with Mr./Ms "A", and not with Mr./Ms "B". If Mr./Ms "B" tells you "no", they are not rejecting you or your S/D, it's just a mismatch.

As long as we all believe, (truly believe) that marriages are from heaven, we will not be upset or insulted by a rejection.

I do believe this should become the mantra of all the people in the "parsha". If you are rejected it is beshert it should happen, if your neighbor gave a bad reference it is beshert it should happen, if you cannot get in contact with the reference and you have to call someone else it is beshert it should happen. Have bitochon, BUT, daven, daven, daven and do as much hishtadlus as you can. Push your personal envelope and do extra.

We are not being fatalistic by saying this. We must do our Hishtadlus and make ourselves into a Keily by talking to shadchonim, friends and family. We must go to the Ohel and say tehilim and give tzedokah. We must do all we can do, to bring about the desired shiduch, but we must realize that we don't have control over whether a particular suggestion works or not.

We must have the bitachon that eventually the right shiduch will come along. When it comes we will recognize it and it will be exactly what we need. Everyone is familiar with the Medrash in Parshas Vayetzeh, which describes Rabbi Yosei Ben Chalafta's conversation with the Roman Matrona. She asked him what was keeping G-d busy since the creation of the world and Rabbi Yosei replied that G-d was busy making matches. The noblewoman derided the Rav, saying she could do it just as well; in a short span of time she paired off 100 maid-servants with 100 man-servants.

Unfortunately, things did not go as smooth as she thought they would go. Her servants were not happy with their matches and some received major injuries. She called back Rabbi Yosei Ben Chalafta to praise his G-d. This Medrash reminds us how difficult making a match can be, and how Hakodosh Baruch Hu is right there helping us along. On our own, we would have the same unfortunate consequences as the Roman Matrona.