Sunday, November 23, 2008

Make a list

Ask your S/D to make a list with all the qualities that their future Chosson/Kallah must have. It is common for our S/D to look for someone who is like their parents, an uncle or an aunt, in short a person they admire. What they need to realize is that when their parents, their uncle etc., married, they were not who they are today.

We have to explain to them that they cannot expect to marry a finished product.

Both husband and wife grew together and enhanced each others talents and gifts in order to achieve the status they have today. What our S/D should look for is those qualities they deem important in an embryonic stage. If the quality is there then, by helping each other, both husband and wife will achieve the maturity and standing they originally wished for.

In order to be able to make a list of qualities which you and your S/D believe are necessary, your S/D must first come to know him/herself. Let your child define who she/he is at this moment. It is important to realize that what we look for in a partner depends on where we are ourselves. What one person looks for just out of Seminary or while “waiting for a shidduch and learning in 770”, is somewhat different if one is now working (even part time) or involved in shlichus away from home. Priorities change, expand and contract.

This list we are making is fluid as mentioned before. Consider this your blueprint for your future, adjust the list according to your circumstances at this time. What the circumstances were last year may not be relevant enough now. And what they will be a year from now, we do not know.