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Friday, November 21, 2008

Rejecting Shidduchim

I mentioned last week about the unfortunate habit of rejecting a shidduch out of hand, with very few solid reasons. He/she is not for me, or she/he is not good enough, they live in Australia, they are French, Israeli, Crowh Heightzers, they have red hair and so on and so forth, are not concrete reasons. Even more, if your child says no because a friend went out with this person and it did not work out that is not a good reason. In fact, that is a major problem, not only in our community but anywhere, and not just with girls but with boys too. Teach your children not to discuss their dates with their friends, ever! There are issues of Loshon Hora, into which I will go into in a future post. But aside from that all important fact, this kind of gossip can destroy a true zivug. I prefer not to discuss this at length now, because the present topic, what and how parents and young man or woman should get ready to look for in a shidduch is very important, But please all of you out there, who are presently involved in shidduchim, think carefully before saying no. Do not think that shidduchim come with a written guarantee of getting your zivug no matter what. You have bechira in this too. If one rejects a zivug, one may get a second chance but not davka. There is a story story about a bocher who brought a list of names to get a Brocha for shiduchim from a godol, (not in Lubavitch). The godol said that the majority had already met and rejected their zivug and of those, 5 had lost it completely because their zivug was married with children. If this makes you hesitate a fraction of a second before saying no next time, it is worth it. In conclusion, especially in today’s climes when it seems so much more difficult to find and make shiduchim, do not reject a possible suggestion out of hand.

4 comments:

still single said...

I agree that we should think very carefully before rejecting a shidduch, but we can't go out with everybody! Dating takes a lot out of you and when you've dated 20+ guys...

CD said...

it does not seem to be saying to go out with every body. this is before the going out phase when still looking into a shidduch at the beginning and compiling your research.

RK said...

I get the point about not rejecting a shidduch out of hand but I don't really understand the story. Soemthing does not compute:

"There is a story story about a bocher who brought a list of names to get a Brocha for shiduchim from a godol, (not in Lubavitch). The godol said that the majority had already met and rejected their zivug and of those, 5 had lost it completely because their zivug was married with children."

I don't mean to contradict a "gadol", but it doesn't make sense to me that "their zivug" could be married with children. Adderaba, the other person found his/her zivug, and now Hashem, please help me find mine...

Basmelech said...

I personally believe that reliance on the idea that "my zivug" is inviolate, and no one can take it away, is one of the reasons there are so many older singles.

The story points out that one can loose his or her zivug by making a dumb decision, and rejecting a shidduch for a superficial matter. Why do people think we have no bechira in this? We will not loose a shidduch because of a neighbor's bad report or because we missed a phone call from the shadchen or because we live in Yechupez, but we certainly can say no to our zivug.

Aside from losing a zivug though willfulness the Gemora in Moed Kotton tells us that human intervention such as prayer,can override and change the Divine decree. Thus, "It is permitted to betroth a woman on Chol Hamoed because perhaps someone else will take her before him" due to his prayer's overriding the divine decree.

This therefore explains why their zivug is now married with children, He refused her, and she got married to someone who was worthy of her. He will have to take a zivug sheini (according to some opinions)or he will get someone " al pi maasav" according to his deeds.

Moreove responding to the first comment one should definitely not go out with everybody. Parents, mashpiim, whoever is in loco parentis should definitely do good research and be as positive as one can be that this two people should be together, (at least on paper) and then the couple goes out just to see if they are compatible one to the other.

Dating does take a lot out of a person and that is why one should send out a couple out only when all else checks out.