Thursday, November 13, 2008

Evaluation II

Both parents and children might postpone looking for a shidduch because of financial reasons.

The parents don't have the money for a wedding, and the children (especially the boys) feel that they do not have the wherewithal or the skills yet to support a family.

In the Igros Kodesh, Vol.XII, p. 149, the Rebbe writes to someone who is having difficulty in business. The Rebbe exhorts him to follow to the letter the instructions received previously from the Frierdiker Rebbe. The young man had been specifically instructed to first get a shidduch and only THEN go into business. The Rebbe concludes with a ma'amar Chazal which teaches us that a man is blessed because of his wife.

If one looks though the Igros, it is easy to see this is recurring advice. Do not postpone looking for a shidduch because of financial matters. Even though it might be difficult for the parents to afford a wedding, they should not lag in finding shiduchim for their children. One must have Emunah that HKB"H will enable us to find ways and means to meet our obligations.

If there are financial problems, one should limit the wedding expenses. There are organizations that B"H help with this. Let us lower our expectations and not try to compete with the Plony Almonys.

Especially these days where everyone has to be careful with their finances it is an appropriate time to lower wedding extravaganzas. A wedding is enjoyable because of the family's Varemkeit and graciousness towards their guests. Many home-made or low-cost touches can make a difference without breaking the bank. Get advice from people who make weddings for Chassanim and Kallot who require financial help, and they will surely advise you how to trim the budget. The important thing is that the kids should get married and that we do our job in helping them find the right shiduch.

Some pointers to your child's maturity for marriage:
❧ Able to envision oneself building a family ❧ Mature ❧ Independent ❧ Self supportive ❧ Responsible ❧ Reliable ❧ Ready and able to make a lifelong commitment ❧ Not egocentric ❧ Ready to sacrifice their comfort ❧ Compromise to benefit others ❧ Be ready and able to communicate wants and feelings to others ❧ Realistic ❧ Giving

When you help your children look for a life partner it is necessary to be very truthful with yourself and with your S/D. You have to make a cheshbon of your and your child’s abilities, and know where you and your child stand in regards to frumkeit, health, money, and other aspects people look at during shidduchim.

If there are health problems in the family (and please be up front with these problems when you talk to the shadchan), you might have to compromise on your ideal shidduch. If you come from a Baal Teshuva, family you should be aware that there might be some Frum-from -Birth families that will not look at your S/D. Remember, fairness is not the issue here!