Friday, December 5, 2008


Unlike our grandparents who married within their own or their relatives acquaintances, and marrying the girl next door was common, today the world has become much bigger, and also much smaller.

A Lubavitcher from one city and a Lubavitcher from another city certainly have a lot in common, but tastes, experiences, goals and dreams are far apart. Just the fact that a boy and a girl are Lubavitch, it does not make them compatible. The fact that two people come from the same neighborhood, does not make them compatible.

No matter where their geographical location, if their goals are similar, if the direction they want to take in life matches, if they think along similar pathways and can talk to each other without having to explain what they mean, that means they are compatible.
When the qualities of one enhance and merge with the qualities of the other, that is compatible.

That is why I find it ineffective when a shadchan just gives a parent a list of names. What use is it? Even if a parent knows the families, which gives him an advantage because he has an idea of background, but each child in a family is an individual and his or her goals might be opposite of what our child is looking for.

Once, the shadchan knew who they were offering, either personally or through research. Some shadchonim do that today, spend time interviewing and making phone calls and when they suggest someone it has been thought out. That is why one should appreciate such a shadchan. They spent numerous hours trying to make the best shidduch they can. Naturally the suggestion does not always work out. Just because two people look good on paper does not make them mesh in person. When one pays a shadchan for a shidduch one does not only show hakoras hatov for suggesting a match for a child but also acknowledges the hours of effort that the shadchan put in on our behalf.