Non-Traditional methods

Until now the focus of these articles has been on the traditional way to find a match, a regular shidduch through a shadchan, professional or otherwise. It is becoming more common and even accepted to go though some non-traditional paths to find a shidduch as well. I will try to explore some of them.

Many articles on shidduchim bemoan the fact that shadchonim do not make the cut anymore. They are not flexible enough or not thorough enough or not involved enough.

- As an aside let me make a few comments:
1. The job of a real shadchan is very difficult, they spend time interviewing or talking to bochurim and young ladies, they make hundreds of phone calls many times without results, they put a lot of effort into an often thankless endeavor.
2. There are some shadchonim who request a payment before looking for a shidduch. If you know that these shadchonim interview prospective "clients" and try to properly match singles, (not just throw a list of names at you) then they are not being outrageous by asking some remuneration for all the time they put in on your behalf even if at the end the shidduch does not come from them. One always has the choice of not using them, but to criticize them for taking money for their time and effort is not the right thing to do.
3. Do not throw up your hands and complain about shadchonim and how they are the reason there is such a difficulty finding matches. I wrote it before and I will keep repeating it: most shidduchim come from family and friends so forget the shadchonim if you are so upset at them, but if you are smart just use it as another tool in your arsenal and don't make an issue of it.
Disclaimer: I am not a shadchan, I will counsel, try to give advice as on this blog, and I speak to groups all over the world on the subject.

I am sure you all have heard all kinds of reasons why the traditional way is not the way to go, and we are not discussing shiduchim made by friends.
Actually the traditional way is the best and ultimately the only method, but there are many who do not agree, so let us see how we can minimize problems in other methods.
Please so not consider that any of the following are what a Chassidishe bocher or Kallah meidel may try, but there are many degrees and levels of people and maybe someone who reads this is not going to try the previously discussed ways.

A way could be to try to meet girls at frum single events or shabatons, at shabbos tables or weddings etc. This means taking matters initially in one’s own hands, but it is a good idea to consequently follow up with a request to a parent or shadchan to make inquiries and find out about the person one is interested in and be an intermediary.

There are pitfalls in this method, not least of Tznius, but as long as parents or other married adults are involved from the beginning, matters may turn out well. A lot of couples who are now in their 50's and older have met in this way, and many propose that there is nothing wrong in this method because it had worked with them, or their parents, or grand-parents, etc.
What we forget maybe, is that the world was a lot bigger then. Which means that generally people met others of like mindset and upbringing, similar backgrounds etc. People were also a lot more moral and the mainstream did not have to worry about a lot of the problems we have today. Many actions were unthinkable, which these days are accepted. So we live in a much more dangerous society (to our way of life, not specifically security wise) than the society older generations lived in.

To be continued.

Questions on Girls

Here are some questions that you may want to ask when researching a girl:

• What Seminary did she go to?

We ask what Sem a girl went to because it gives us a basic idea of what kind of a girl she is. Choosing a sem should be individualized according to the girl needs. We should find a sem for our daughters that will give them the possibility to grow and become capable independent women who know their own worth.

Some girls go to seminaries that emphasize learning. Some go to sems that give courses in possible future enterprises, such as sewing or hair/wig care. There are different kind of sems for different characters. Knowing where a girl went might give one an idea of where this girl is heading. Often girls will just go to one sem or another because their friends are going there, or their sisters went there. That does not disprove what is said above. After all a girl who is not interested in learning will not go to an intensive learning program, just because some of her friends will go there.

• What is she doing now?

Rounds out our picture of the girl. If she is in shlichus, or teaching, or working, it will tell us how she is managing her time.

• Did she go on shlichus after Sem?

• What does she want to do, teach, work in an office, go to college, shlichus etc?

• What did she do with her summers?

• Is she shy or lebedick

Give examples of what you mean - I explained in the boys list of questions what we are trying to achieve with a particular question. I will not repeat here what was covered before. Some questions are appropriate for both boys and girls so look at both lists, it may be I did not repeat it.

I will digress to share a story someone related recently. I do not know if the story is true or not as the one who told me the story did not know the protagonists, but it clearly illustrates a very important point.

A shadchan offered a match to a family, Rabbi and Mrs. Plony. Their son was a well-liked boy with good midos who knew how to learn. The parents naturally wished the best match for him. They investigated the proposed name, but the results were not encouraging. No one said outright that there was anything wrong with the person, but there were rumors, generalities, and unfounded objections. Therefore, they decided not to continue with this shidduch and told the shadchan that they were not interested.

Mrs. Plony was upset that another initially promising lead had come to nothing. The constant high and lows were very wearying, so after talking to the shadchan, she went to the Kosel to daven that her son find his besherte. While pouring her heart out at the Kosel, a girl stood next to her, davening herself with apparent deep sincerity. When the girl saw the tears in the older woman eyes, she approached her to see if there was any way she could be of help, and Mrs. Plony got into a conversation with her. When Mrs. Plony mentioned she was from a particular sect of Chassidim, the girl asked her if she knew of a family Plony that belonged to that sect. Without revealing her own name, the very surprised lady asked the girl why she was inquiring of them. The girl answered that a certain shadchan had offered the son of this family as a shidduch, but after hearing that they were looking into it, she did not hear anything further, and therefore, she was making limited inquiries into the family herself to see if it was a possibility. That is why she had come to the Kosel -- to daven for Siata D'shmaya that she may soon find her shidduch. After some more conversation, Mrs. Plony discovered that this was a very warm-hearted girl, intelligent, and with good middos -- just what she was looking for her son.

She revealed herself as that Mrs. Plony the girl was trying to find, and a short time later the couple was engaged.

The nimshol of the story is clear to everyone. If you are not happy with the answers you receive, or have unsubstantiated objections, or do not have enough people to ask, do not throw away the shidduch but refine your search; ask more pertinent questions; insist on confirmed information, ask friends if they know anyone in the area or if they know anyone who might know this family.

Why put the Eibishter to the extra trouble (such as to make the mother and the girl meet) because one has let themselves be swayed by rumors and hearsay.

But like every coin has two sides, if your tendency is to examine everything with a magnifying glass and then to go for the microscope, take a step back and do not examine so much. Stick to the important traits and questions and forget the irrelevant questions about scraping the dishes or tying the shoes. Asking if he has a good voice or not may be appropriate when hiring a chazzan, but it will not make or break a marriage. At least not as a rule.

Another point I wish to bring up. In every group there are popular name, so for example by us there are a lot of Mushkies, Nechamas, or Mendels and Yosef Itzchaks. Sometimes in a family there are cousins with the same name who are very close in age. Be careful when looking for information that what you get is for the right person. One shidduch never came about because the information was relayed that the girl was introverted, when in reality that was the cousin and not her.

So on to the questions. Let me say again that there are probably other questions that you might find important that I have not listed (write me a note) and questions which I have listed that you may find irrelevant.

Wrap up

One last comment on the boys before going on:
It has become more and more common for some boys to go to the army (Israeli for the most part) for 18 months or more. Some of these boys may have been distancing themselves from frumkeit, some felt this was a must before they entered the next stage of life and the responsibilities. Do not refuse to look into these boys. Just because they went to the army does not mean they are not frum. Many of them learn with chavrusas, go to minyan, do Chitas and do not touch their beards. Some plan to go to Kollel after they marry, some even on shlichus.
So keep in mind that there are outstanding and middling boys who are learning and outstanding and middling boys who are working, and among those there are outstanding and middling boys that went to the army. Do not take things for granted, investigate, the only caveat being: do not be obsessive just diligent.

Introduction to research

The next topic I will tackle is research. I know it is a topic that is important to many, and that is why I want to preface it with some important points.

Research is very important in a shidduch. In fact it is essential. But like all things it has to be done in the right way. Too little research and you will not get the important information you need, too much research and no one will be good enough.

The timing of research is also important: before the boy and girl meet, do all the research you can. Check references, call your friends, call anyone you want. Once you have decided that it is a good match and they start going out, one should really be sure that this is the right one. One can still make calls especially in the beginning of going out, (such as the first 2, 3 dates) when it is believed that this is a possible yes and there are some new doubts, or information to clarify. But it should be self understood that the bulk of the research has already been done.

After the couple is engaged, there should be no more research calls made. If someone specifically calls with information, one can listen and one can verify that information but do not actively continue to dig. At this point the couple is engaged and feelings are involved. Even in Lubavitch where we do not do Eirusin and we only do Tenoyim just before the chuppa, breaking an engagement is a weighty thing.

Therefore do research before they meet, clear up your doubts if necessary after they have met, but once they are engaged, do not continue doing research. After all if we have bitachon that the Eibishter is our partner in the shidduch then we have to leave it up to Him that this is the right person for our child, or that He will arange matters for the good.

There was a cute? sad? commentary on research on the web, that detailed how we would not even consider the Avos or Imaot, or even Moshe Rabeinu as in laws, if we were doing the research these days, so let us not be obsessive and if we are too close to the matter and not sure if we have done enough research we should ask our mashpia or rav for advice.

Let us keep things in prospective and not need to know when was s/he was toilet trained and we do not need to speak to their elementary teachers.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Internet in Shidduchim

These days many parents and young men and ladies, are turning to the internet to help with shidduchim. It is good for us parents to know and internalize the fact that there are many ways to start a shidduch, besides waiting for a shadchan to supply a name.

The vast majority of shidduchim are suggested by family and friends. In fact in these two weeks we have had 3 family lechayims and all of them were made by family.

Sometimes a professional shadchan is involved in bringing these suggestions to completion and sometimes not. Often a shadchan may know when it is beneficial to encourage both parties to pursue a shidduch that is stalling, or to advise on and work out minor hiches or gliches that may prevent a shidduch from concluding favorably. Do not "cut your face to spite your nose" as the saying goes. Even if a shadchan did not suggest the name it is still beneficial to use his/her services to insure all does go smoothly. When the person who suggested the name is willing and capable to carry through the shidduch then by all means continue on.

Lying

Why is it that discussing the names that are brought up is so prevalent among our young people?

Because they have heard that when parents do research, very often they will only be told part of the truth and often, they will be told lies.

In contrast their network of friends usually knows things that parents do not find out. Therefore they say it is part of research to discuss the names suggested with their friends just as it is part of research for parents and mashpiim to call relatives and friends for information. Not only is it part of reserch but it is often a more accurate research!

What can one answer to such claim? It is true that parents often are told lies, or the truth is concealed. And not only from parents who are researching names but also from Shadchonim who are trying to make a shidduch!

This is a prime example of "a wrong that begets a worng" (averah goreres averah) because of the lies (Lifnei Ever) told when people do research, our son or daughter will talk with his/her friends (Loshen Hora) in order to get at the truth.

We must break this cycle. Tell the shadchan the truth when presenting your son or daughter, student or friend. Tell the truth, when a parent calls for information. If you are not sure if something should be said, as explained previously, give an excuse, call a Rav and then call back the person asking for the information.

Is this a heter for young people to discuss names brought up for shidduchim or even their shidduch dates? Of course not! We must teach each and everyone of our children not to discuss this no matter what the reason. But we would make it easier to stop this practice if we were truthful ourselves, when we give information.

An Unfortunate Habit

It has become common for boys and girls to discuss with their peers details of the dates they have been on.
This is certainly forbidden and has no constructive value. If a bochur or a girl feels that someone he/she has gone out with may fit one of her/his friends, they should approach their parents, a mashpia or some other person who is capable to “redt” the shidduch and have them do so in the regular way. To simply gossip "discuss" the dates one has had is pure loshon hora with no redeeming qualities. An inadvertent comment may ruin someone’s shidduch, as that boy/girl will have a preconceived notion about the prospective shidduch which may be quite erroneous and therefore harmful.
In the matter of shidduchim, it is most necessary to conduct oneself with tznius and not advertise with whom and when one went out. Brocha only comes if things are done quietly and modestly, and this should be especially so with shidduchim.

There is an enormous amount of peer pressure, certainly among the girls, to share one’s experiences when one goes out, or to keep best friends “in the loop” when names are offered as possible shidduchim.
It is not correct for a girl or a boy to reveal any information about a prospective shidduch or what happens on their date, to a friend. Even if the friend might get offended because they are "kept out" this should not influence the boy or girl to disclose this information. It is unfortunate that friends feels slighted but it cannot be helped. Where is their caring for the friend's privacy? Girls do not realize that this is not another sleepover secret whispered under the covers. This is a time when you make life altering decisions. A serious matter, not something to be shared in girlish confidences. It will bolster our S/D if we, as parents, explain to them how any information having to do with shidduchim, either at earlier stages or even during dating, should not be given out.

There is a much debated Mishna which enjoins one not to talk a lot with a woman (“Al tarbe sicha im haisha”). Chazal say the language of the posuk for "talk" is sicha which is translated as light conversation, not an intellectual exchange of ideas or even general practical matters. This is conversation with no redeeming qualities, and no practical value. Some commentaries mention that the posuk expressively says ‘HaIsha’ (the woman) and the article “the” denotes a wife. So we are warned not to gossip even if it is just between husband and wife. Imagine how much more we are enjoined not to gossip among friends and acquaintances.

The Tongue Conclusion

Even when asking a teacher, principal or Rav subjective research questions, one should be careful to be on the same page. Which means you understand his "measuring scale" so that when s/he answers a question,"s/he is very chassidish" you know just what level of "chassidish" s/he means, and if not refine your question and ask clarification.

A Rov or principal who deals with such evaluations often will be able to give a proper answer. A regular person should not be asked such subjective questions.

A caveat: If one is asking a teacher or a Rov that taught the boy or girl in high school, (or even more who taught him in elementary) a number of years have passed, and what the growing the boy or girl has done in the intervening years may have literally made a different person out of them. What we hear may not be applicable anymore. The subject of our question may have matured beyond recognition, and what we hear would not apply anymore. So try to get information from people that know the subject now and not years earlier. SAme applies when giving manes for references, give people who know your bocher or maidel now and not 5 years ago.

Let us keep in mind as well that the period between High School and looking for a shidduch is a period of major change in a person’s life. So if the information you are hearing is from a numbers of years back, keep an open mind.

This also applies if the person is out of seminary 3 or more years. Information from a Seminary teacher may only reflect part of the personality of the person at this time. After all we all work on ourselves to improve.

Regarding objective questions of dubious value such as, “Did the boy/girl get straight A’s on their report card? One can simply say I do not know, because such a question has no relation to the present situation or to the character of the person.

I have heard of a lot of questions of no value being asked, such as if the family uses color or white tablecloths for Shabbos, uses plastic on the table, or if they scrape or stack the dishes. Not to excuse these questions, because they do not have real merit, but a possible explanation as to how they came about is this: “Traditional” families would use white tablecloths on Shabbos and Yom Tov. More "modern" ones might have used colored ones. Maybe, a mother felt that asking about the tablecloth would tell her the level of "tradition" in the family without having to ask outright. Similarly, when asking whether someone scrapes the plates or stacks them. It is more polite to take away the plates without either stacking or scraping. The next level is to stack the plates and take them to the kitchen. The third option is to scrape the plates at the table which is not polite at all. So again, a mother might have wanted to know how “well mannered” the family is with such a question. I cannot say whether these questions ever had a place in gathering information in a more genteel past. They do not seem relevant nowadays.

There is a difficult situation when someone knows of a condition that the other party was not told of, such as a physical or mental condition or previous marital status or the like. If one knows of a shidduch where such information has been withheld and s/he knows the information is true first hand (or if second hand the information has been verified), then s/he should definitely ask a Rov if they should tell the interested party of this condition. Not every condition has to be disclosed at the beginning when the families are doing research, and although some have to be disclosed before they meet, still others do not have to be disclosed until the engagement or at all. Only a Rov can distinguish which conditions should be revealed and which not.

Even in the case a Rov considers the information must be revealed, the information may only be relayed when

1. the condition is serious,
   
2. one is not exaggerating the condition,
   
3. and there is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.

Before going ahead, though, it is advisable to ask a Rov whether this piece of information falls into this category and whether it is permissible to offer the information even when one was not asked.

The first step in such a case is, of course, to contact the first party and convince them to share the information with the other party. This way the information will come directly from the person in question. Try to convince the person you are talking to, that it will be much better if they themselves raise the issue rather than having the information come to the other family from a third party, such as yourself. If there is a possibility that the information will be ignored or if the person in possession of this information has ulterior motives for disclosing this information, then s/he is not allowed to disclose this information.

Because of many other issues one should never take upon oneself to make such a decision on one’s own but should always consult with a Rav.

The Tongue II

The second situation is the case of a person who did not initiate the shidduch but has been asked for advice on whether the shidduch should be looked into.
This person has a greater responsibility than the first who suggested the shidduch because the first was only giving a possible suggestion but the second person is called on specifically for a definitive opinion which may make or break the shidduch.
The person called for advice must be careful not to encourage or discourage a match with someone he has no real knowledge of.
If all this person knows is hearsay, they should not express an opinion because what they heard may be totally false. If they do not know the person this should be stated.

An adviser may be sought by a family that has had a shidduch suggested by someone they do not know well. They are unsure whether they should follow up with this suggestion, or maybe it has no merit and may be ignored. The adviser should deal only in facts. Feelings are not what is required at this point. The adviser should look at the shidduch suggestion and express an opinion only based on facts. If the adviser thinks personally that they would never have suggested such a shidduch, that has no bearing on the situation. Their advice has to be based on concrete reasons, on real concerns based on personally known facts and not on second or third hand information. Although the adviser's first loyalty goes to the person asking their advice, they are certainly forbidden to discourage a shidduch unless they have firsthand knowledge of the matter that could cause problems, and it is proven that this matter should be of concern and is not just a mistaken impression.
If one is not sure of the answer to give, it is certainly proper to tell the person calling that it is not a convenient time and ask to be called back later. In the meantime call a Rov and ask his advice on how to approach this situation.

The Tongue is mightier than the Sword.

Loshen Hora.

This is one topic that is very relevant to shidduchim.

It is a very complicated topic that is difficult to cover because there are a few diverging opinions about what one can say and what one cannot when talking about shidduchim.
Some Rabbonim will be more stringent and some will be makel.
The following are just basic guidelines, and are here to give you an idea of what are the issues, but every question should be referred to your Rov. There are a lot more issues than are covered here and every case has to be decided according to the circumstances.
Halacha differentiates between 3 conditions:

The first condition is when a shidduch is first suggested.

At such a time the person suggesting the shidduch should be careful about “Lifnei Eiver Lo Sitein Michshol” “Do not place a stumbling block before a blind person” Which applied in this case means one should not suggest a shidduch that would not meet the needs of both parties involved. It has become very common these days to hear of shadchonim or friends just naming names to a parent as possible shiduchim without really taking the time to discover if there is real reason to pursue such a union or not. No individualized thought goes into it. The parent is told: here look into Plony, Almony, Tom, Dick and Harry. Are any of these compatible? Are these families appropriate? The person suggesting the names does not know, they just throw out a bunch of names. Suggesting a shidduch to a possible family without checking if there is compatibility, or if the shidduch satisfies the needs of both parties, is not allowed. The parties will waste time researching a shidduch which should not have been initiated to begin with, and gives false hope to the young people involved who will be disappointed at the falling apart of a possibility.

One should not refrain from suggesting shidduchim because of this halacha. One does not even have to investigate the parties thoroughly first before suggesting a shidduch. One does have to have some knowledge of the parties involved and be fairly sure that based on that knowledge this is a viable shidduch, and it has a good chance of succeeding. One should be reasonably certain that the parties do not have characteristics which are objectionable to the other party or that one party is lacking a non negotiable quality sought after by the other party.

This restriction has two main points:
The first is wasting the time of the parents and young people involved.
The second restriction concerns information: sometimes when we suggest a shidduch there is some information that may be held back for the sake of making the shidduch. One cannot decide by oneself when one may conceal information and when one has to disclose it. There are different kinds of information given by Chazal, “major deficiencies” or minor problems. A Rov must be consulted to make sure the case warrants keeping the information hidden altogether or at least for the beginning so that the shidduch has a chance of succeeding.
Even this deception though has to be revealed before the parties see each other enough to have developed feelings for each other.

Bitochon continued

In Parshas B'Shalach on the first posuk (Shemos 13:17): "When Pharaoh sent away the people, Hashem did not lead them by way of the land of the Plishtim, because it was near (Ki Korov Hu). For Hashem said, 'Perhaps the people will reconsider when they see a war and will return to Egypt.’"

Rashi translates the word 'hu' as a reference to the land of the Plishtim and the word 'karov' as a reference to geographical distance, telling us in essence that it would have been too easy to go back to Mitzrayim.

The Daas Zekeinim m'Baalei haTosfos translate the words Ki Karov Hu in a completely different way. The word 'hu' refers to the nation, and the word 'karov' means relative as in 'family member'. The Daas Zekeinim is saying that Hashem did not lead Klal Yisroel through the "Plishtim Highway", which was the preferred route, because of his closer and "familial" relationship with the Yidden.

Sometimes HKB"H treats his children in a manner that seems inexplicable to us. The reason for this is 'ki karov hu' because He has a special relationship with us. The Aibishter has a different plan for His children. Rav Simcha Ziesel Broide, head of the Chevron Yeshiva, expands on this: Many times we feel our life has taken a detour; we are traveling in a circuitous route.

This may be because "Ki Karov Hu" Hashem is leading us on a different path because He is close to us and has different plans for us. (Taken from a lecture by Rav Yissachar Frand.)

If the shidduch which we are so anxiously awaiting for does not materialize, and things are not working the way we think they should, it is because HKB"H has plans for us, which we cannot understand, but which ultimately are for our benefit. We must have bitochon and continue in our efforts both in gashmius and ruchnius, because certainly the way we are being led is the best way for us.

What we forget at times because of this age's emphasis on "are we having fun?" or "are you happy?" that our happiness is not always an important thing. Which means, that maybe we are not happy or having fun because we do not realize the good in what we have or what we go through.
We all know the story of Reb Zusha of Anipoli who was asked by the Maggid of Mezritch students, how one could bless the Aibishter sincerely for the bad as well as for the good. Although he himself lea a very poor and hard existence he answered them to go find someone for whom things were not good, because he himself could not answer that question. (see the Crown Heights Community Newspaper for 11/23/09 forthis and other stories with Reb Zusha of Anipoli)
Naturally, all this is true if we do not sabotage our own efforts by looking for impossible things or rejecting shiduchim out of hand.

Our requirements or our children requirements

For the past few weeks I have been writing about making a list. It might sound obsessive, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to start a shidduch search after having narrowed down and isolated the non-negotiable character traits that our children cannot live without.

First of all with the list, our children have provided us with clear black and white directions on what is necessary for them to build a Beis Neeman B'Yisroel. As explained earlier at length, we as parents were fully involved in the list-making, so we're now on the same page as our kids.

This list will help us tell the shadchonim, our family members, our friends, and our entire network precisely what we are looking for.

It may be compared to going to a trade show where there are hundreds of vendors. Some vendors we must see; some we will pass by if we have time, and others we can skip altogether. We only have 6 hours at the show, so our time is precious. We look at the catalog of the show and plot our way, listing all the vendors we must visit in their order of importance. Subsequently, we list the ones we would like to see if we have time. Now with our plan, we will accomplish the most we can in the time we have.

Similarly, we do not want to go aimlessly looking for a "good" boy or girl. We want to be specific, and we want the search to be as quickly and as easily accomplished as Hashgocha protis lets us do it. Therefore, yes, it is a painstaking job, and it will take quite some time. It may be acrimonious at times until we all agree on the goals we are all working for, but it is absolutely and unequivocally necessary to do this at the beginning. Furthermore, when our child will go out on their first date, they will have a frame of reference to see how close the date came to what they really are looking for.
How many of those indispensable character traits were matched?
What additional pleasing traits did they find?
Which trait can be compromised on?
The list becomes a signpost to our destination, and anyone who has driven in a strange city where the streets are not well marked, knows exactly how helpful clear directions are.

A caveat to us parents at this point. We wish the best for our children, and often they will pleasantly surprise us with what they can accomplish or with what direction they want to take.

The shidduch is theirs; the life is theirs, and the Bais they will build is theirs. I mentioned it before, but it bears repeating, the list has to be of their requirements, not of ours. The character traits have to match our children characters and goals, not ours. If the list we have arrived at reflects more our wishes than theirs, we have wasted our time and theirs.

I have spoken to mothers who when asked what they were looking for in a shidduch for their child would say “What I am looking for or my son/daughter is looking for?” Is that a question?

Of course what you child is looking for, you are married already! Let us have parents-child communication! Let us hope this was built into the parent-child relationship from when they were little, because at this point in time it is essential. Know what you child wants, direct and advise them, but what they want is foremost.

I personally know of a case where the parents on both sides liked each other so well that they did not even look at how compatible their children were. The important thing was to be mechutonim. I do not have to tell you how that marriage turned out.

Are we realistic?

Other challenges will exist if one is looking for a working bochur. There are challenges for someone working just as there are for someone on shlichus.

If he is going into his family business, that is a sure thing. If he does not have such a possibility, what skills does he have? Is the career he envisions possible. If he wants to be a lawyer but his English is nonexistent (correct spelling and good vocabulary) then he will have a steeper learning curve. Is she ready to help him out?

Is a working boy ready to make a commitment to learning even if only once a week? Is this important to her? Is he well-matched for the work he wishes to do? Does he have the temperament for it? To use the previous example, if he is not comfortable with public speaking how will he present a case? If he is in college or will go to college, will he be able to support the family until he gets his degree? If he wants to start his own business, does she understand the extra hours he will have to invest in the endeavor? Some girls think in the back of their minds that if they get a working bochur they will be able to lead a (relatively) easy life, they will have a steady income and able to set up their houses as they wish without skimping etc. They may not grasp that until established in the profession or job of their choice, their husband will not bring home as much as they may think.

Their expectation of lifestyle should be discussed. We as parents have to prepare our children for the financial responsibilities they will find in married life.

Again, when saying one wants a working boy, there are a lot of levels. Let our children be specific with their needs.

In the case of older singles, the girls may have a better position and a better salary than the boy they are looking at. He may have remained in yeshiva or helped out in shlichus all this time and not started a career. The girls have to take into consideration that these boys will not be as “sophisticated” and worldly as the ones they meet in the business world. They are certainly no less worthy, they have to be valued for what they are.

When your child describes their ideal match, have them look at themselves realistically, and have them ask themselves, "Would such a person want to marry me?"

An illustrative story was told to me by a shadchea from “Saw you at Sinai”. He had matched two people he thought had compatible backgrounds and goals. She was not too tall and a bit heavy and he was not tall and a bit heavy. She sent him an email, insulted that he had suggested such a shidduch, she wanted a tall skinny fellow, not a short heavy guy! So he answered her “If people were to judge you the way you the way you judge others you would not have a fighting chance.” Naturally she complained and he was reprimanded, and he truly should have been more diplomatic, but the point made is real – would a tall and thin guy look at her?

No matter that we say over and over look at middos and not appearances but we must be reasonable in appearances too. The person has to appeal and not put off the prospective partner.

Shadchonim

Unlike our grandparents who married within their own or their relatives acquaintances, and marrying the girl next door was common, today the world has become much bigger, and also much smaller.

A Lubavitcher from one city and a Lubavitcher from another city certainly have a lot in common, but tastes, experiences, goals and dreams are far apart. Just the fact that a boy and a girl are Lubavitch, it does not make them compatible. The fact that two people come from the same neighborhood, does not make them compatible.

No matter where their geographical location, if their goals are similar, if the direction they want to take in life matches, if they think along similar pathways and can talk to each other without having to explain what they mean, that means they are compatible.
When the qualities of one enhance and merge with the qualities of the other, that is compatible.

That is why I find it ineffective when a shadchan just gives a parent a list of names. What use is it? Even if a parent knows the families, which gives him an advantage because he has an idea of background, but each child in a family is an individual and his or her goals might be opposite of what our child is looking for.

Once, the shadchan knew who they were offering, either personally or through research. Some shadchonim do that today, spend time interviewing and making phone calls and when they suggest someone it has been thought out. That is why one should appreciate such a shadchan. They spent numerous hours trying to make the best shidduch they can. Naturally the suggestion does not always work out. Just because two people look good on paper does not make them mesh in person. When one pays a shadchan for a shidduch one does not only show hakoras hatov for suggesting a match for a child but also acknowledges the hours of effort that the shadchan put in on our behalf.