Non-Traditional methods

Until now the focus of these articles has been on the traditional way to find a match, a regular shidduch through a shadchan, professional or otherwise. It is becoming more common and even accepted to go though some non-traditional paths to find a shidduch as well. I will try to explore some of them.

Many articles on shidduchim bemoan the fact that shadchonim do not make the cut anymore. They are not flexible enough or not thorough enough or not involved enough.

- As an aside let me make a few comments:
1. The job of a real shadchan is very difficult, they spend time interviewing or talking to bochurim and young ladies, they make hundreds of phone calls many times without results, they put a lot of effort into an often thankless endeavor.
2. There are some shadchonim who request a payment before looking for a shidduch. If you know that these shadchonim interview prospective "clients" and try to properly match singles, (not just throw a list of names at you) then they are not being outrageous by asking some remuneration for all the time they put in on your behalf even if at the end the shidduch does not come from them. One always has the choice of not using them, but to criticize them for taking money for their time and effort is not the right thing to do.
3. Do not throw up your hands and complain about shadchonim and how they are the reason there is such a difficulty finding matches. I wrote it before and I will keep repeating it: most shidduchim come from family and friends so forget the shadchonim if you are so upset at them, but if you are smart just use it as another tool in your arsenal and don't make an issue of it.
Disclaimer: I am not a shadchan, I will counsel, try to give advice as on this blog, and I speak to groups all over the world on the subject.

I am sure you all have heard all kinds of reasons why the traditional way is not the way to go, and we are not discussing shiduchim made by friends.
Actually the traditional way is the best and ultimately the only method, but there are many who do not agree, so let us see how we can minimize problems in other methods.
Please so not consider that any of the following are what a Chassidishe bocher or Kallah meidel may try, but there are many degrees and levels of people and maybe someone who reads this is not going to try the previously discussed ways.

A way could be to try to meet girls at frum single events or shabatons, at shabbos tables or weddings etc. This means taking matters initially in one’s own hands, but it is a good idea to consequently follow up with a request to a parent or shadchan to make inquiries and find out about the person one is interested in and be an intermediary.

There are pitfalls in this method, not least of Tznius, but as long as parents or other married adults are involved from the beginning, matters may turn out well. A lot of couples who are now in their 50's and older have met in this way, and many propose that there is nothing wrong in this method because it had worked with them, or their parents, or grand-parents, etc.
What we forget maybe, is that the world was a lot bigger then. Which means that generally people met others of like mindset and upbringing, similar backgrounds etc. People were also a lot more moral and the mainstream did not have to worry about a lot of the problems we have today. Many actions were unthinkable, which these days are accepted. So we live in a much more dangerous society (to our way of life, not specifically security wise) than the society older generations lived in.

To be continued.

Bochrim Questions

About a boy (some questions may not be appropriate in all cases):

• Where did he go to yeshiva?

Besides the obvious, this question helps you know more about the general approach the boy has in life. For example, in the yeshivish world, if one hears a boy has been to Brisk, or Mir, or Chaim Berlin, one can tell by the yeshiva what approach the boy is comfortable with. In Chabad, if one hears the boy was in Tzfas or in Detroit, it would also give an idea of his derech.

On the other hand, it is also possible that someone went ot a particular yeshiva but does not ascribe to the derech of the yeshiva, but because of circumstances he went to learn there. Therefore do not make major assumptions because of the place the bocher went to learn at.

It is useful to know what he is doing now besides waiting for a shidduch to happen. Is he sitting in Yeshiva learning because he is really a lamdan, enjoys learning, and is gaining from it, or is he just wasting time until he finds a shidduch?

Is the boy who is "treading water" (staying in yeshiva just because of shidduchim) before he gets married and can go to work, a better choice than the boy who is now working (or studying for a profession) and learning on the side?

• Is he helping out a shliach while he waits?
  
• Is he learning a business, a career?
  
• Is he working part time and learning part time?
  
• Is he teaching?
  
• Does he have Smicha? Is he interested in getting Smicha?
  
• What did he do until now?
  
• What did he do with his summers? This might tell you something about his character. If he was often a counselor in a camp, it might indicate he is gregarious, outgoing, and likes kids.
  
• Is he a learner, or does he just learn because he is waiting for a shidduch?
  Yes it was asked before but as they say, if at first you don’t succeed... If you did not get a satisfactory answer to #2 and you wish to know if he is the kind of boy that is more laid back rather than pro-active, go ahead and ask straight out.
  
• Can he give over a D’var Torah? This is not a measurement of his learning; many boys know a lot but would rather listen to others than talk themselves. Rather, this will tell you if he is a quieter boy or he is comfortable to stand up in front of people and expound. It might be important to some girls and not important to others. If he wants to go on shlichus, being able to stand up and give over a drasha is a useful, sometimes indispensable skill.

• For a boy who is now in Yeshiva, you might want to ask if he goes on mivtzoim regularly.
  
• If you are asking a friend or a Rebbi, ask about his learning if he is a masmid and if he is on time for Seder, if he learns Chassidus before Davening, and other such questions.
  
• If you are asking a neighbor or another reference they might not know and guess.

Know what kind of questions to ask, depending on who you are talking to.

• Is he enterprising or laid back? Give examples of what you mean (subjective question). Put the examples in the situation that is important to you. e.g., is he comfortable to go up to strangers for Mivtzoim or does he like to go to people he established a relationship with? Or maybe you want to know if he is the kind of kid who used to sell doughnuts in elementary, swept peoples driveways etc. Give examples that will be meaningful to you and will reveal a side of his character

Common research questions

Herewith follows a list of some of the most common questions generally asked when doing research.

I wish to re-emphasize the importance of research. It is not an outdated practice; it is not (generally) a hunt for irrelevant details; it is a job that parents or mashpiim must do to prevent possible disasters down the line. When a boy and a girl go out, it is not fair to ask them to find out background information that their parents should have found out in advance. During the first few dates asking information is awkward for the couple, and later when feelings are involved, it is difficult for the young people to get the information their parents could have gotten before they met.

When a couple goes out, they should only have to judge if there is any connection between themselves, any reciprocal feeling. They should not have to dig for family information.

Basic questions about the family:

• Family composition -

• how many siblings,
  how many are married and
  to whom.
  Who are the grandparents
  If it is of interest to you, ask about the family's yichus
  

• Family Status -
  Parents are married, divorced
  FFB, BT
  What do the parents do for a living
  

• Do the siblings get along?

• Family health: are there any major problems in the family which might compound health weaknesses in your family, i.e. Diabetes?

• How is the family regarded in the community?

• If it happens that the parents of the suggested Shidduch were divorced, one should find out if the prospective mate had the opportunity to observe a happy, normal marriage. Do not automatically reject children of divorced parents. A child of a divorced couple can be just as well adjusted as a child of a couple who stayed married. Probably better adjusted than the child of those cases when the parents stayed married but the child was exposed to constant strife between them. If a child of divorce has been able to observe a regular happy household, either by friends or on shlichus etc, there is no reason why this person cannot have a happy married life notwithstanding his/her parents divorce.

• If one of the families are Cohanim, they will have particular questions requiring answers because of the rigorous halachos regarding marriage of Cohanim.

Questions about boys next time.

Preoccupation with appearance

Every Friday night we all say Shlomo Hamelech's words, "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy, Isha Yirat Hashem Hi Titshalul." – ‘Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, a woman who fears G-d, she is praiseworthy.’

Now is the time to apply these words to our life. For both girls and boys, appearance should not be primary. Middos should be the main emphasis. If we do put emphasis on these external things, we are really saying that Shlomo Hamelech's words are not true.

Chazal has a very inspiring interpretation on this verse: It is true that "Sheker Ha'Chen V'Helvel Hayofy," 'Chen' (charm) is false and 'Yofi' (beauty) is vain, but when "Isha Yirat Hashem" when a woman has Yirat Shamayim, then even chein and yofi even her charm and beauty are worthy of praise.

We are letting the perception of the world around us influence us to a major degree. Why do we let the goyishe world influence our choices especially when these choices are so far reaching and important? Even the goyishe world recognizes that only 5% of the population resembles the idealized version of beauty that the models peddle.

With the preoccupation with appearance, we are also driving our girls to Chas V'shalom ruin their health for such a transient mania. And what do these boys gain? After one or two children, no woman looks the same as she did as a girl, even if she manages to retain a figure.

Externals are helpful for first impressions; beyond that, if the qualities are there, externals are less relevant. One should not be put off by the other's appearance, that is a given, but to overemphasize looks is basing a lasting commitment on a temporary foundation.

Over and over I hear that it is the mothers that influence the boys in wanting girls in mannequin sizes. While the mothers cry that it is the sons who will not go out with anyone other than a "size 2". Incidentally, someone made the very valid comment that if you ask a boy who is a "size 2" most of the time he will point out an 8 or a 10. They really B"H do not know what "size 2" are, and are only parroting others.

I am sure there are some mothers who insist on a particular size or look and there are some boys who specify externals, but even more so, we as mothers must start early enough to inculcate in our children that it is middos that are important, that it is the pnimius that we are looking for. We must show by example that we believe what Rabbi Meir says in Pirkei Avos: “Al tistakel b'kankan ela b'ma, sh'yesh bo” or as we say in English: ‘Do not judge a book by its cover.’ If we have done our job well, then our children, both boys and girls, will not tell us they will not go out with anything more than a size 6. They will ask first what are the qualities this person has.

Therefore let us start changing the way WE see things and start influencing our children to look for the right things.

FFBs and BT Matches

It is relatively common for FFB (Frum-from-birth) families to look for other FFB families and at least initially reject BT (Baalei Teshuvah) families. Due to the fact that this is a very sore issue, I would like to explain my opinion on the matter. I welcome any comments on the subject as long as they are written with reason and not only emotion.

We have to realize that usually it is difficult for two individuals to adjust their lives, habits and thoughts to live with one another as a married couple. The first year is a period of adjustment for two individuals that are trying to create one entity. A popular line with speakers is that in marrige 1+1=1. When we look for a match we try to match up background and upbringing, as well as goals and philosophies.

In the case of BT’s and FFB’s the upbringing, experiences and background are even more diverse. The enormous achievement of becoming a BT has an effect on the person and his/her children. The mental processes and points of view are disparate from an FFB. In certain cases, such matches work, but that is the exception to the rule. Therefore, when an FFB family rejects a BT shidduch, it is not just because they do not want a match with a BT, rather, it is because it is difficult enough to be married to someone with a similar background, let alone someone with a different point of view and experiences.

It is true that it is also an instinctive reaction to say no to such a shidduch, and maybe at a later time to accept it. When families first start looking they are only paying attention to the "best of the best" of suggestions. As time passes expectations are lowered and other matches are looked into. Everything is directed from above so if a shidduch is rejected it is because it is not the right one. Or it is not the right time. If it is meant to happen it will. Rejecting shidduchim for non-reasons, such as nationality —”I will never marry an Israeli, Frenchie, Australian” etc. or because a parent does not want to be far from a child, is quite common as well.

We all believe we are in this world to achieve a purpose. That purpose can be attained only by using our unique talents and characteristics. That being the case, we want to find someone who will complement our talents and characteristics and we complete theirs, so we can accomplish our life’s work. Let us not get hung up on labels while we look for a shidduch, and let us not get insulted by rejections either.

These are all milestones on the path of finding our Besherte. No one said the road is freshly paved, on the contrary, there are plenty potholes and glitches to be aware of. Esther HaMalka was zoche to rule over 127 countries because her ancestress Sarah Imeinu, used every second of her 127 years in this world. Rabbi Twersky expounds on the verse: “VeAvrohom Zaken, Bo BaYomim” (He came with his days: literally, he came with his days). When Avrohom was old he came with all his days, because he did not regret a single one of them. Avrohom had in Sarah a true “ezer”, a helpmate who could advise him and compliment his tachlis in life. May we be Zoche to find for our S/D the right helpmate who will complement their qualities and help them accomplish their tachlis.