Saturday, June 25, 2011

Answer to Chabad.Info article"Broken Engagements

Why Engagements Fall Through
When an engagement is broken off, it brings sadness and sometimes despair. But for Jews, who believe in Providence, there must eb an answer to why Shidduchim fall through. More
Beis Moshiach Magazine
21 Sivan 5771 (23.06.2011)
Presented by Rabbi Boruch Sholom Cohen
Edited by Y. Ben Boruch
A Shidduch That Falls Through
The Chassid R’ Menachem Mendel Cunin received a bracha from the Rebbe Rayatz for a certain shidduch. However, the shidduch did not work out. In 5691, R’ Cunin wrote to the Rebbe about a new shidduch suggestion, and in his letter it was apparent that he was unhappy that the Rebbe’s bracha for the previous shidduch did not work out.

The Rebbe told his secretary, R’ Chatshe Feigin to respond to R’ Cunin, telling him to pursue the new shidduch idea. As for his being upset about the Rebbe’s bracha not coming to fruition, the Rebbe said:

When I was 14 years old, I heard a story from my father (the Rebbe Rashab):

The tzaddik Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev had a shadchan, who would make shidduch suggestions for his sons and daughters. For every suggestion, R’ Levi Yitzchok would give him a pitak (a coin).

Since R’ Levi Yitzchok was constantly in a state of d’veikus and was always preoccupied, he had a set time for the shadchan to come and make his suggestions. That was during the time that he folded his tallis and t’fillin

(Parenthetically: R’ Levi Yitzchok folded his tallis and t’fillin himself and they once asked him: Why don’t you let the talmidim or mekuravim fold it, when any one of them would be thrilled to do so?

R’ Levi Yitzchok explained: We find that Hashem Himself was involved in the burial of Moshe Rabbeinu (and Chazal say that this was because Moshe was personally involved with Yosef’s bones when they left Egypt; this is why he merited that Hashem Himself took care of his burial). This is despite the fact that after the passing of a tzaddik his life is no longer the way it was when he was alive in this world – although “tzaddikim in their deaths are called alive” – still, there was the histalkus of the neshama after all. But what is special about a tzaddik is that even after the histalkus of the neshama from the body, the body remains holy.

So too with the tallis and t’fillin – while a mitzva is performed with them, which is the absolute essence of the Supernal Will, the body of the King as it were, then within [these objects of] the mitzva there shines forth all the lights of the Order of Hishtalshlus and above the Order of Hishtalshlus till before the Tzimtzum, as it is within the Essence of the Ein Sof, and as such can be compared, as it were, to the neshama being invested in a body.

After the mitzva is done, and the tallis and t’fillin were removed, it’s like a histalkus, as it were. Nevertheless, the body remains holy. Therefore, just as Hashem Himself was involved with the body after the histalkus, so too with mitzvos which are the body of the King – I want to be involved with it.

When the Alter Rebbe heard this reason he praised it, as we know that the Alter Rebbe received something from every disciple of the Mezritcher Maggid.

That’s the end of the parenthetical note.)

When the shadchan would go to R’ Levi Yitzchok to make suggestions, of course he could not know precisely when R’ Levi Yitzchok would be folding his tallis and t’fillin and he always had to wait.

After some time, when the shadchan had made many suggestions and had received many coins, but the suggestions did not work out, he decided to stop going with more suggestions (because once upon a time people made do with less).

R’ Levi Yitzchok called for him and asked: Why did you stop making suggestions when 1)the inyan itself is a lofty one for it is a “binyan adei ad” (everlasting edifice). 2)It is included in the mitzva of Ahavas Yisroel, to try and help another. 3)Especially when you made money. So why did you stop?

The shadchan replied: What’s the point when the suggestions don’t work out?

R’ Levi Yitzchok said: Even when a shidduch suggestion does not work out, there is a purpose to it. For Chazal say that forty days before the formation of a fetus, they announce Above: “the daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so,” because up Above everything is announced and all Supernal announcements provide life for the angels. Their life-force comes from this, when they hear the announcement they repeat and announce what they heard, and this sustains them.

It is known that the angels are created from the Torah and good deeds that people do, but when the Torah and mitzvos are not done for the sake of Heaven, they lack chayus, and in such cases produce maimed angels, which is why there are blind and deaf angels.

When the announcement is made, “the daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so,” and the angels repeat this, these angels mistakenly change the names and announce other names. Since everything an angel says is not for naught, the people involved cannot easily attain the real shidduch, but have to suggest those names that the deaf angels mentioned and after those suggestions are made, which do not work out since they are not the real match, they ultimately attain the real match. And so, there is a benefit even to those shidduch suggestions that do not work out because through them, one reaches the real match.
 ---------------------- Answer:

Broken Engagements - not wrong suggestions

The title of this story is not descriptive of that the article says.

It is an unfortunate fact that we hear of a lot of broken engagements, and there surely is more than one cause.

A possible reason that occurs even before the engagement itself is the amount of influence the media and the world at large has on us these days. Young people expect fairy tale feelings and fourth of July fireworks to tell the they have found THE ONE. Reality is that very rarely is there such an instant connection or "lightning strike" as the French call it. Usually there is just a gradual growing of "like" and good conversation. If one misses the other, if things that happen during the day are stored to be told over on a shidduch date. That is why going on a marathon date for 8 hours is not as good as 2 shidduch dates of 4 hours each. The reflection period and the initial braking the ice is just as important.

So many times couples break up after going out 8,9 or 10 times because they are waiting for those fireworks or lightning or forever feelings that only come after marriage. And sometimes couples who let themselves be convinced by good advice from parents and mashpiim and get engaged, then listen to advice from friends or bad advice from adults and break the engagement because they are not 100% sure, and it is "better" to break up an engagement than a marriage. By the way one is NEVER 100% sure and the whole point of shidduchim is to rely on bitochon that the Eibishter will send us THE ONE for us. If one does all the right things: research, meet seriously enough to see if there is a connection and listen to mashpiim and parents then one will not go wrong. Again there are many different reasons why an engagement may break and sometimes it is beshert it should do so (we sometimes know when a break is beshert because the break up is so totally senseless we are left speechless).

So don't expect 100% or atmospheric indications. Read Eternal Joy for the Rebbe's advice for example:pg.85 " cannot be 100% guaranteed in advance [of successful marriage]. ....Rely on G-d who conducts the world...surely He will lead the person to that which is best for him or her." etc.