Introduction to research

The next topic I will tackle is research. I know it is a topic that is important to many, and that is why I want to preface it with some important points.

Research is very important in a shidduch. In fact it is essential. But like all things it has to be done in the right way. Too little research and you will not get the important information you need, too much research and no one will be good enough.

The timing of research is also important: before the boy and girl meet, do all the research you can. Check references, call your friends, call anyone you want. Once you have decided that it is a good match and they start going out, one should really be sure that this is the right one. One can still make calls especially in the beginning of going out, (such as the first 2, 3 dates) when it is believed that this is a possible yes and there are some new doubts, or information to clarify. But it should be self understood that the bulk of the research has already been done.

After the couple is engaged, there should be no more research calls made. If someone specifically calls with information, one can listen and one can verify that information but do not actively continue to dig. At this point the couple is engaged and feelings are involved. Even in Lubavitch where we do not do Eirusin and we only do Tenoyim just before the chuppa, breaking an engagement is a weighty thing.

Therefore do research before they meet, clear up your doubts if necessary after they have met, but once they are engaged, do not continue doing research. After all if we have bitachon that the Eibishter is our partner in the shidduch then we have to leave it up to Him that this is the right person for our child, or that He will arange matters for the good.

There was a cute? sad? commentary on research on the web, that detailed how we would not even consider the Avos or Imaot, or even Moshe Rabeinu as in laws, if we were doing the research these days, so let us not be obsessive and if we are too close to the matter and not sure if we have done enough research we should ask our mashpia or rav for advice.

Let us keep things in prospective and not need to know when was s/he was toilet trained and we do not need to speak to their elementary teachers.

Mothers-in-Law

There definitely is a reason why most mother in law jokes are on mothers of boys and not on mothers of girls.

Rabbi Manis Friedman gave a speech about how eventually we all turn into our mothers. To a greater or lesser degree, we end up copying the role model from whom we learned our fundamentals. Therefore, a mother of girls is relatively assured that her daughter will follow in her footsteps, albeit in the daughter’s own style.

A boy’s mother has no such assurance. After all, our boys leave the house at a young age. The saying that behind a great man is a great woman is not a myth; it definitely has merit. The chumash tells us that Chava was created to be an eizer, a helpmeet for Adam, but also she was kenegdo, she was "opposite" him. If he erred she was to show him the error and encourage a proper way. Being an eizer kenegso is probably one of the hardest things wives do. A wife gets a special Siata d'Shmaya, a sixth sense, if you will, to know when her husband is going the wrong way, or sliding back. It is the job of a true diplomat to encourage and direct a husband without being a nudge or putting up his back etc. But it is the wife's job to help keep the yiddishkeit of the home at the highest level they can be for them.

This is why a mother would be even more concerned with the character of a future daughter-in-law than the character of a future son-in -law. A mother will research both carefully, but when looking for a wife for a son, that extra degree of care is exerted. When presenting yourself or your single to a shadchan, please be truthful. Present yourself in your current state, not a “virtual” future state. Secondly, when you do reserch, try to be thorough although not obsessive, and do not listen to rumors. If a rumor is persistent find out the facts behind it, do not drop a shidduch because of something that may be unfounded.

Being truthful

I wrote previously about being truthful with a shadchon. When you go to speak to a shadchan and ask them to put their time to work for you, you have to give them the true facts. If one does not, then the whole exercise is a brocha levatola for you and a waste of time and money for the shadchan.

Someone told me a story that illustrates this point. It is irrelevant if the story is true or not. What has relevance is the point it makes.

A shidduch was suggested. Both sides looked into it and decided that it was a viable option. So began the research. One side, let’s call them Side A asked about Side B. All they had heard from the shadchon seemed to be true. Side B was intelligent, a warm person, lebedick, outgoing. Side A was concerned she should be tznua, and although on the modern side, she should be relatively chassidish. When Side A asked the friends, they all confirmed that this was the case. She was everything that was presented. Side A was satisfied but decided to try one more source, not one given by Side B. Suddenly the story changed. Now they were looking at someone who was much more modern than they wanted. They asked others, went back to the original sources, and with pointed and specific questioning, a different picture came out. Yes, Side B was now acting very modern, but once she was married and settled down, she would be just what Side A wanted. Needless to say there was no shidduch. I am sure some of you now doubt the negative reports, but we are taking this story as a moshol, so we are not concerned with these kind of details. Let us say that the reports were checked, and there was incontrovertible proof. What was Side B’s intent? This is a very good example of what not to do. In this moshol, the shadchon was embarrassed by having presented something that was more a chimera than truth. And Side B must have suffered some embarrassment when confronted with the truth. Let us take the story further: let’s say that the parents of Side B were blameless* because they believed their daughter to be exactly as presented and had no idea she was way more modern than they thought. *(blameless or clueless?)

So the question is: why set up such a misrepresentation? If one wishes to be more frum after marriage, that is admirable. An increase in frumkeit is definitely possible, but a 180 degree turn is not as easy, and it is understandable why a prospective mate would be skeptical that such a change might occur. Why not represent oneself the way one is and get matched with someone at one’s level?
Chazal tell us: “Chochmas Noshim Bonsa Beisa.” A woman can increase her observance and that of her family more easily than a man can. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. If the boy is more religious than the girl, it is more common for him to match her observance than for her to match his. Mothers of boys know the influence a wife can have on a spouse and therefore, are more stringent in their requirements for a mate for their sons.

It is certainly a great help to read at least Volumes 1 and 2 of Eternal Joy at this period when one is involved in the parsha of shidduchim. In Volume 2, there are numerous letters where the Rebbe shows us the great power of Tznius in the building of a Bais Neeman. It is very beneficial to remind ourselves of the facts at this auspicious time.

Constant Attention

Two things are considered as difficult as the parting of the Reed sea: livelihood and marriage.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky develops the point: livelihood needs constant attention and care. One cannot give sporadic attention to his business or job and expect to have a living Parnossah.
A person needs to come up with new creative ways to keep and earn his living -- new avenues of business, new markets etc. In a job one has to maintain one’s status and remain current with new trends and developments in one’s field or profession.
So too by zivugim (marriage as well, not just matchmaking) and livelihood. There can be no coasting. It must be constantly nurtured, expanded, and maintained. We have to constantly make calls and research potential names, expanding our search to other countries, if necessary. Try other methods and any avenue available in order to be successful.

Welcome out of the kitchen!

I hope you all had a wonderful Pesach and had a great Yom Tov. Now back to real life for all of us.

Back to Looking for a shidduch

Let us return to the topic of looking for a shidduch. To recap the methods available to us: Talking to our friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, mashpiim, the internet, and the shadchan.
Let us keep in mind that is is only a small percentage of shidduchim that are made by shadchonim and the majority is made by family and friends.

Now when a friend or family member asks you what are you looking for do not answer with the old and tired: "A good Girl/Boy". Of course you want a good partner for your single! Of course you have spoken to your young man/lady and have made a basic lists of qualities you must have. These are the requirements that at this moment are absolutely necessary, (they may change with age and circumstances) and they complement your son or daughter, as we have previously discussed. You have used the checkmate game to start the conversation and maybe even filled out a profile at chabadmatch. In fact you have probably made an extract of the chabadmatch questionnaire and used it as a basis for a profile and a resume for your single. Therefore now when you are asked what is your single looking for, (because that is what the question "what are YOU looking for" implies), you have an exact answer.
(After all what was there to do chol hamoed if not getting all these important items going?!)

Checkmate!

I hope you have all checked out the two website I have written about. Leave no stone unturned, as they say. Try every method available (according to Daas Torah), in order to find the match for your single. Even try the much reviled shadchonim :D .

Before continuing let me backtrack a moment. It is hard to initiate conversation with your son, daughter about the subject of shidduchim. It is difficult to find the right moment when there are no distraction and when your son or daughter is willing to sit and talk on the subject. In fact I was asked just that question, how do you tie down your chossen bocher or kallah maidel to talk about this very important subject? How about making an appointment with your son and daughter? Set a time and a place and state in clear terms that just like any other appointment, this one too should be honored and not dismissed because something more interesting has come up.

Here is an idea to make that conversation go more smoothly:

“Admits mistakes?” What am I looking for a malach or a husband?!
This is one of the comments I heard while playing a game called “Checkmate”.
I first heard of this game in an article forwarded to me by the ever-alert and multi-talented CHJCC receptionist Penina Metal. It purported to help in the choice of the right middos needed in a prospective mate. Naturally, the game caught my attention.

It is a fact that so many parents and future Chassanim and Kallos look for the externals such as money and looks; therefore, anything that would focus a person on the search for middos was welcome.
I read the article, but although intriguing, it did not give me as clear a picture as I had hoped, so I called the innovative author of the game herself, Rebbetzin Chaya Ginzberg, (“Road Signs for Success”), a lecturer, and a high school and seminary teacher.

During our conversation, I discovered that this game is much more than just a “shiduchim game”. It lends itself to almost any interpersonal relationship. Friends, single and married ladies, parents and children, or married couples can play the game and gain some insight.
What is more, the game has its origins right here in Crown Heights!

Rebbetzin Ginzberg explained that she is good friends with our own inimitable Mrs. Miryam Swerdlov. At a convention some time ago, Mrs Swerdlov played a game a lot of our Crown Heights residents are familiar with: it is called “The Game of Priorities”. Mrs. Swerdlov has played this game with girls in camp, with ladies at conventions and retreats, and at workshops. Everyone who played had a great time and came away with a better knowledge of what is really essential in their lives.

Is Yiras Shomayim more important than live-in-help? If you had to choose only one, what would it be? Is satisfaction at work less or more important than being a good example to your children?

This is a game that makes you think about what is truly important in your life and makes you more appreciative of what you do have. The enjoyment aspect of the game is just an added bonus.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg with Mrs.Swerlov’s permission adapted this game to focus more on middos alone, rather than general necessities such as owning a luxury car, paying dental bills, or having a well-paying job for your husband, and she marketed it for the public. She felt it was a way to give hashkafa in an easy and enjoyable way. I believe she succeeded. This particular version of the game is made to be marketed to the world at large, and therefore, it is relatively “parev”.

There are 56 cards in the deck. Most are middos. Some are personality traits, and some are inclinations. The object of the game is to hold on to 7 cards. Depending on the question asked at the beginning of the game, those cards could describe the qualities you are looking for in a future spouse, the qualities you wish to develop in your children, or the qualities you see in your husband, etc.

I am not familiar with card games as I never considered playing cards to be much of a Jewish activity, but I am certainly hooked on this game. Seven cards are distributed to the players. One desk is fine for 2 to 6 players. If you play with a large group, play with multiple decks.
The deck is put in the middle, face down, and each player takes a card and then discards one. When a player discards an unwanted card, it lays face up next to the deck. If the next player wants that card, they can take it, or they can take one from the deck. At the end of the game everyone is left with 7 cards.

In Mrs Swerdlov’s game one discards before one picks. Here the instructions say you pick before you discard. I have come to the conclusion that it is a more effective game if you are forced to choose what you discard before you pick the next card. After all, it is like life--you do not always know what is coming, but you know what you have on hand. Ultimately, it’s your choice. The rules are not written in stone. Play according to what in your opinion is the most effective way.

I played with my son who is now B:H engaged, and our goal was to see how close I was to his priority list of a future Kallah.
Many of the cards in the game may encompass others in their meaning, or they may be close enough to mean the same thing. For example, there are cards such as “Kind”, Giving”, or “Generous Spirit”. If one is giving, one will most probably be kind and will have a generous spirit; therefore, only one of these cards should be retained, and the others may be discarded. Some cards are definitely middos such as “Honest”, “Fair”, “Content”, and “Sincere”. Some are derivative, character traits like “Good Manners” or “Sense of Humor”, etc. Some are inclinations such as “Musically Inclined”. One card I am not sure what category to place in. (I am sure you will know which one I mean if you see the deck!). I am pleased to report that we were both on the same page; what he was looking for is what I thought he was looking for! :)

Play to discover your own strengths and good qualities--who you are and what do you have to offer to a future spouse. Then play again to see what you are looking in a spouse and compare the two results. Do they match? Is what you offer compatible with what you are looking for? Are the qualities you are looking for compatible one with the other? Are you choosing “Drives” and “Ambition” in a “Sensitive”, “Calm” person? If you are ambitious and have drive, you are not generally calm and sensitive.

What you discard is also important. As the play goes around, your discards may be the other person’s essential requirements. Examining the reasons behind your discards will make you verbalize your feelings and make you understand better your choices. It is even better to play with a mashpia or a parent or facilitator. (Maybe shadchonim should play with you at your interview!) Defending, or to use a less confrontational verb, discussing your choices is almost an integral part of the game. During the game and after the game, you can discuss your choices and do so in the calm and happy atmosphere engendered by the game.
In fact, it may be great as a starting point for a heart-to-heart discussion with your parents or friends (what I like and appreciate in my friends), with your siblings, (what I admire about you), or with your husband.
When playing, keep in mind that many words may be unfamiliar to your fellow players and maybe to yourself. Words such as “analytical” may have to be explained. Some words may have an unimportant meaning to the other players. A word such as “sensitive”, for example, would need to be explained. How important it is that a husband is sensitive to a wife’s needs or a wife to a husband’s?
Many mistake the word "Drive" to mean driving a car. That is not what the card reppresents rather it is more : to strive vigorously toward a goal or objective; to work, play, or try wholeheartedly and with determination.

Rebbetzin Ginzberg told me that the game was even played on a date. A couple went out numerous times, but he was not a great communicator, so she was not sure about saying yes. They played the game, and she found out so many positive points about the boy that they got engaged. Now, don’t all of you carry a game with you when you go out! The game was a final push or confirmation in this case, and this is how it should be. Do not rely on a game to tell you who to marry.

The game is available at most Seforim stores in Crown Heights, Flatbush or Boro Park.

Chabadmatch

Another tool available to Lubavitchers that utilizes the very latest state of the art technology, but does so in a traditional way is ChabadMatch.com.

ChabadMatch concurrs that there is a shidduchim crisis. A lot of the webmaster’s friends were finding great difficulty in finding shidduchim, so he came up with this concept to try and help others find their spouses. The original idea grew out from the desire to get more information about potential shidduchim than the “Bochrim List” was making available.
The site creator took his idea to developers and designers, raised initial funding and built a prototype which he showed to shadchanim. With their feedback the site was tweaked to be the best that it could be. ChanadMatch is a work in progress; new improvements are added as necessary. Presently, when there are new members on the site, the shadchonim get notified. The site was also shown to Rabbonim, and it received their haskoma that it was indeed proper and okay to list names and profiles of singles in this way.

ChabadMatch started two years ago, and at this time they have about 1,950 singles registered. Since inception, 25 shidduchim came directly from using the site, and a few more happened indirectly because of seeing a profile on the site.
Just like any other tool, this database is made to be used as a springboard for your own efforts. If a promising profile is found, research has to be made; the shadchan has to be contacted, etc. Just having the profile up on the site will not bring results. New names are listed daily, so it pays to return often to the site to see if something interesting is now listed. Chabadmatch is a starting point. Use ChabadMatch to narrow down your choices. Go to the site often to see new profiles. Then follow up with the research and contacting the shadchonim, etc. Two contacts are listed for every listing. In the case where a person cannot reach either of the two contacts, one’s own shadchan or one of the shadchonim listed on the site can be asked to make the shidduch. Even the webmaster has taken a hand in helping out when necessary.

The site was created for shadchonim to have a database of singles who are looking for shidduchim. Shadchonim have access to all singles profiles, names and pictures. Feedback revealed that parents were frustrated by not being in control of the shidduch process. Waiting for a shadchan to come up with a suggestion is sometimes hard, and when the suggestions are not appropriate, a parent might well be upset and wish that there was a way they could themselves start the process.

The site empowers parents to do limited searches and offers a way to study the profiles without pictures and most without names, so they can decide if there is a profile they are interested in. They then can approach a shadchan to complete the shidduch.

The webmaster and his wife put in time keeping the site up to date and answering any queries that are sent to them. On the site now there is a ratio of about 60% girls to 40% boys. About 30 to 40% put up pictures. The administrator finds that pictures are a plus to have on one’s profile, although a shadchan can always ask for one when necessary, but it helps initially to receive that extra attention. Keep in mind that only shadchonim see the pictures; no parents see them on their searches.

The initial intake form on the site is extensive. The questions asked are insightful and make one think of what their goals and requirements are. It is a very helpful tool for shadchonim and parents as an initial parameter to see if a name is a possibility or not in the ballpark at all.

The questions on the website were thought out carefully with shadchonim so that the person describing him or herself is able to give a comprehensive profile of themselves. Naturally some will reveal more and some less. One may say this profile is even better than an interview with a shadchan because more thought goes into the writing of a profile than just describing oneself to a shadchan. When a parent or a single fills out the profile, the answers should be as complete and comprehensive as possible. Think about the impression you want people to come away with. On the site one can find all sorts of boys or girls: there are some boys who are on shlichus and plan to make a life of shlichus; there are working boys; there are girls who are on shlichus or who are working; girls who only want boys who will try to go on shlichus, or girls who are looking for both working and shlichus boys or just for working boys. There are profiles from America, Israel, South America and Europe. According to the site manager, Lubavitch has become too big, and a list of names is not enough to be helpful to a vast majority of parents who do not know who people are by family names.

The amount of information that parents can see is decided by the parent writing the profile or by the single; they can make more or less information available to parents looking at the database.
There is a choice at the end of the form where a parentor single can choose who will see their profile. The choices are:
Allow singles and parents of singles to see my profile, including my name, excluding my contact info.Allow singles and parents of singles to see part of my profile, excluding my name.
Do not allow singles or parents of singles to see any part of my profile. If you are registering your daughter and do not want anyone but a shadchan to access her profile you can choose #3 and only a registered shadchan will be able to access the information.

Why did this site succeed in having singles list their profiles while the “Bochrim List” did not? My opinion is that in 2004 when the “Bochrim List” made the attempt, people were still shying away from putting personal information on the web. But recently with the Facebook (or My Space) phenomena, this has become accepted at an alarming rate. There is a lot on Facebook that should never have been written and published, but that is a whole other article.

Because ChabadMatch is a private site, one can only go in with a password, and only parents (or registered singles), and shadchonim have access. It is as safe as possible. Writing a profile, one has a chance to connect to a much wider range of shadchonim than would be possible without ChabadMatch.

Here are some success stories at ChabadMatch: A shidduch was proposed to a girl’s family, but the parents had some reservation, and the shidduch did not go though. Some time later the girl’s mother saw the profile of the same boy on ChabadMatch. The qualities she was looking for were there in black on white, and she realized this is who she wanted for her daughter. The match was proposed again, and this time it went through, and they are B”H married. Sometimes everything is right but the time; when the right time comes everything falls into place.

In another case, one family lived in Australia and the other in England. The match came about, and they met in Israel. They are now married. Sometimes a shidduch would not be thought of because one may think the backgrounds are too disparate, but by looking at the profiles one can see that they are actually a perfect match, and a meeting proves it! It costs $18 to register at the site. The money goes to maintain the site, web design and to host it. Plans are in the works to fund-raise to be able to have a full-time administrator for the site.

One never knows who or even what is the designated shliach for a successful shidduch. Every step we take on the shidduch road is a step ahead. Even a failed suggestion takes us closer to finding a zivug for our son or daughter. Let us try every means at our disposal--our friends and families, our community shadchonim, conference calls, Bochrim lists or ChabadMatch. We never know which method will work for us. Best wishes to all of you out there looking for your zivug, and may we see you soon in the Mazal Tov pages

Lubavitchsingles

Here are two websites, that will help you with shidduchim: Lubavitchsingles.com (previously known as Bochrim list) and Chabadmatch.com.

These are new tools to be used in the old shidduchim trade, trying to use all that the modern world has discovered in a proper way, in a tzniusdicke way, to increase our chances of making the perfect shidduch for our children.

Ka”h, Lubavitch has been growing and continues to grow. Once everyone knew everyone else, or at least had a friend or relative who knew the family. Even not so long ago, when my husband was growing up in Crown Heights, everyone knew everyone else. Jewish Geography was a lot simpler then, and so were shidduchim, but things changed, and B”H, Lubavitch has grown; the original families themselves are hundreds strong, and the ones who have joined through the years multiply all the time.

To make things a bit easier, mothers or fathers would try to get lists of boys’ names to be able to jump start a shidduch search. Such lists were hard or impossible to come by. By serendipity, (read Chashgacha Protis) in 1996, a bochur in 770, with help from his friends, had access to such a list. By word of mouth the word spread, and fathers and brothers asked for copies, so did shadchonim. At the time the list was handwritten and photocopied. Boys who got engaged and were crossed off, new names would be added, all done by hand.
When the cross outs and additions became too messy, a new list would be started until it got out of hand again, and so on. Eventually with the help of computers, the list got easier to manage. Certainly deletions and additions were easier to handle, and a fresh copy could be had with a click. Progress brought the internet, and as with everything else, it was (and is) both very good and very bad. Being Lubavitchers, we try to use all we can in the right way and for the good, so the list moved to a free server host, Geocities.
This incarnation of the list appeared in 2002,, and it became a hot topic among those in the “parsha”. Imagine you don’t have to beg anyone, ask favors or bug your friends; all you need is a computer, and you can have a list of all eligible Lubavitcher boys. What a Metzia! The boys’ list was great, but what about a girls list? And is it really proper to have all these boys’ names on the web? Is it Kosher?? The creator of the list went to ask the Rov who looked at the site and how it was set up and gave it an OK.
So part of the problem was solved, but how could a boy make a girls list? Besides that, the boy’s list took enough time to maintain; shouldn't the girls do a list for themselves if they felt the need? And so it was that a girl put together the first girls list and devised a manner by which the ages of the girls could be revealed but hidden too. That is how the star system came about
For all of you not familiar with the site, the star system is: * Sem Bais/Gimmel **Sem Daled/Hey *** Sem Vov ****Sem Zayin +. This way you can figure out the age of the girl approximately without actually disclosing their age. The one who originally started the girls list could not continue taking care of it, so it fell back on the bochrim who originally started the boys list.
The site was designed very simply with an amateurish look. This had not changed from the time the list was uploaded to a website. It was done intentionally, to show that this was a homegrown idea, not a professional endeavor.
There is no cost to be mentioned in the list, and all work is done by volunteers: L’Shem Mitzvah.

So how does one use the Bochrim or Girls’ List to find a shidduch? If you are a long time Lubavitcher and know a lot of the families, just scanning the list and narrowing down the names you know may be helpful. Then you can inquire about those names and see if there is any family you know that would fit the parameters of what you are looking for. If you are not familiar with a lot of families in Chabad, then ask a friend who knows a lot of people or (for a boy) your son – if he is the right age – or a nephew, to look through the list and see if there are any names that catch his eye--if he knows them and can describe then to you. Then, if appropriate, do research and try to make the shidduch. Same thing if you are looking for a girl: ask your daughter or someone with whom you are close to look at the list for suggestions.

Having one’s name on the list, be it the boys list or the girls list, is not an instant solution to finding a shidduch. Do not wait for people to call you because they have seen your name on the list, but be proactive and look at the list for the possibilities that it can bring you. Maybe it’s that name that would never have come into your mind if you had not read it there. Go back a few times to look at the list; new names get added often.

How do names get on the list? When bochurim return from shlichus, their names are put on the list. It used to be that bochurim were put on the list later, but when it was explained a few years ago that girls are looking already at 19 and there are no younger boys listed, the decision was made to put the names of the boys who came back from shlichus on the list. The girls are put on after the first year of Sem. in Elul not earlier. The reasoning not to put them in earlier is that when the girls are listed a Sem Aleph, the previous Sem Aleph listing become Sem Beis etc. So everyone goes up a level. Naturally the girls do not want to be listed as older unless it is so, therefore the best time to move the levels in the list is in Elul at the beginning of the new term.

The girls are usually listed a year earlier than the boys. Shluchos, classmates and friends will send in names to be put on the list. Girls will send their own names sometimes, and some boys will too, although generally girls will send in names more often than boys will. If boys are ready to get married and see their name is not listed, they will send it in.

When a name is sent in, it is checked to see if it is a made up name or if the person actually exists. It has happened that totally fake names are sent in to the list. If you send in your name and you do not see it after a couple of weeks, email them again, maybe they could not verify your name. If a boy or a girl went though the Lubavitcher School system, they are most probably in the list. If they dropped out early, they would need to send in their name.

Who is on the list? Mainly English speaking bochurim and girls from North America. All those listed are single, not previously married. When someone’s engagement is listed on Shmais, that name is removed from the list. If you know of someone on the list that is already engaged or married, you should notify the list (with some backup proof of your information) so the name can be removed. The list organizer tried in 2004 to have listings with a bit of a profile and not just names; unfortunately, the ones who answered sent in inappropriate profiles, and almost no one mainstream sent in a proper profile, so the idea was dropped.

Are there really more boys than girls? According to the list manager, that is not really true. If one looks at new births, for a long time it was about 50/50. Lately, there have been a lot more boys than girls, but it all evens out in the end. So why do we perceive there is a shidduch crisis? Because there are a number of older girls and boys who have not found shidduchim, and the older they get the harder it is to find a match.
And also because now with this perception, more parents are actively involved and put more effort finding shidduchim for their children rather than taking a more laid back approach like in years past.

Many shidduchim have come about because people looked at the list. Sometimes friends or relatives were able to come up with the right name after perusing the list. There are no firm statistics, but the list has been successfully employed by the Lubavitcher Olam and should not be overlooked. The list changed address a couple of years ago because the TK extension was rejected by a lot of servers and also because problematic pop ups would pop up. Now the list is hosted at a .com address: http://lubavitchsingles.com. From there one can access both the boys’ or the girls’ list. On the index page of the boys list there are various links. One of the links is to the site “mikomos” which has possible places to go to on dates in the Tri State and a few other cities. Links are provided to some shidduchim articles, fun shiduchim sites and for the Enterprise Chabad car rental discount for that all important car. And when B"H we make a wedding there is a link to weddingshtik.tk to be mesameach the Chosson and Kallah with. The site gets numerous hits a day. If you are familiar with a lot of people or if you have a friend who is, do not hesitate to use this resource in your shidduchim search.

Internet in Shidduchim

These days many parents and young men and ladies, are turning to the internet to help with shidduchim. It is good for us parents to know and internalize the fact that there are many ways to start a shidduch, besides waiting for a shadchan to supply a name.

The vast majority of shidduchim are suggested by family and friends. In fact in these two weeks we have had 3 family lechayims and all of them were made by family.

Sometimes a professional shadchan is involved in bringing these suggestions to completion and sometimes not. Often a shadchan may know when it is beneficial to encourage both parties to pursue a shidduch that is stalling, or to advise on and work out minor hiches or gliches that may prevent a shidduch from concluding favorably. Do not "cut your face to spite your nose" as the saying goes. Even if a shadchan did not suggest the name it is still beneficial to use his/her services to insure all does go smoothly. When the person who suggested the name is willing and capable to carry through the shidduch then by all means continue on.

Lying

Why is it that discussing the names that are brought up is so prevalent among our young people?

Because they have heard that when parents do research, very often they will only be told part of the truth and often, they will be told lies.

In contrast their network of friends usually knows things that parents do not find out. Therefore they say it is part of research to discuss the names suggested with their friends just as it is part of research for parents and mashpiim to call relatives and friends for information. Not only is it part of reserch but it is often a more accurate research!

What can one answer to such claim? It is true that parents often are told lies, or the truth is concealed. And not only from parents who are researching names but also from Shadchonim who are trying to make a shidduch!

This is a prime example of "a wrong that begets a worng" (averah goreres averah) because of the lies (Lifnei Ever) told when people do research, our son or daughter will talk with his/her friends (Loshen Hora) in order to get at the truth.

We must break this cycle. Tell the shadchan the truth when presenting your son or daughter, student or friend. Tell the truth, when a parent calls for information. If you are not sure if something should be said, as explained previously, give an excuse, call a Rav and then call back the person asking for the information.

Is this a heter for young people to discuss names brought up for shidduchim or even their shidduch dates? Of course not! We must teach each and everyone of our children not to discuss this no matter what the reason. But we would make it easier to stop this practice if we were truthful ourselves, when we give information.

An Unfortunate Habit

It has become common for boys and girls to discuss with their peers details of the dates they have been on.
This is certainly forbidden and has no constructive value. If a bochur or a girl feels that someone he/she has gone out with may fit one of her/his friends, they should approach their parents, a mashpia or some other person who is capable to “redt” the shidduch and have them do so in the regular way. To simply gossip "discuss" the dates one has had is pure loshon hora with no redeeming qualities. An inadvertent comment may ruin someone’s shidduch, as that boy/girl will have a preconceived notion about the prospective shidduch which may be quite erroneous and therefore harmful.
In the matter of shidduchim, it is most necessary to conduct oneself with tznius and not advertise with whom and when one went out. Brocha only comes if things are done quietly and modestly, and this should be especially so with shidduchim.

There is an enormous amount of peer pressure, certainly among the girls, to share one’s experiences when one goes out, or to keep best friends “in the loop” when names are offered as possible shidduchim.
It is not correct for a girl or a boy to reveal any information about a prospective shidduch or what happens on their date, to a friend. Even if the friend might get offended because they are "kept out" this should not influence the boy or girl to disclose this information. It is unfortunate that friends feels slighted but it cannot be helped. Where is their caring for the friend's privacy? Girls do not realize that this is not another sleepover secret whispered under the covers. This is a time when you make life altering decisions. A serious matter, not something to be shared in girlish confidences. It will bolster our S/D if we, as parents, explain to them how any information having to do with shidduchim, either at earlier stages or even during dating, should not be given out.

There is a much debated Mishna which enjoins one not to talk a lot with a woman (“Al tarbe sicha im haisha”). Chazal say the language of the posuk for "talk" is sicha which is translated as light conversation, not an intellectual exchange of ideas or even general practical matters. This is conversation with no redeeming qualities, and no practical value. Some commentaries mention that the posuk expressively says ‘HaIsha’ (the woman) and the article “the” denotes a wife. So we are warned not to gossip even if it is just between husband and wife. Imagine how much more we are enjoined not to gossip among friends and acquaintances.

The Tongue Conclusion

Even when asking a teacher, principal or Rav subjective research questions, one should be careful to be on the same page. Which means you understand his "measuring scale" so that when s/he answers a question,"s/he is very chassidish" you know just what level of "chassidish" s/he means, and if not refine your question and ask clarification.

A Rov or principal who deals with such evaluations often will be able to give a proper answer. A regular person should not be asked such subjective questions.

A caveat: If one is asking a teacher or a Rov that taught the boy or girl in high school, (or even more who taught him in elementary) a number of years have passed, and what the growing the boy or girl has done in the intervening years may have literally made a different person out of them. What we hear may not be applicable anymore. The subject of our question may have matured beyond recognition, and what we hear would not apply anymore. So try to get information from people that know the subject now and not years earlier. SAme applies when giving manes for references, give people who know your bocher or maidel now and not 5 years ago.

Let us keep in mind as well that the period between High School and looking for a shidduch is a period of major change in a person’s life. So if the information you are hearing is from a numbers of years back, keep an open mind.

This also applies if the person is out of seminary 3 or more years. Information from a Seminary teacher may only reflect part of the personality of the person at this time. After all we all work on ourselves to improve.

Regarding objective questions of dubious value such as, “Did the boy/girl get straight A’s on their report card? One can simply say I do not know, because such a question has no relation to the present situation or to the character of the person.

I have heard of a lot of questions of no value being asked, such as if the family uses color or white tablecloths for Shabbos, uses plastic on the table, or if they scrape or stack the dishes. Not to excuse these questions, because they do not have real merit, but a possible explanation as to how they came about is this: “Traditional” families would use white tablecloths on Shabbos and Yom Tov. More "modern" ones might have used colored ones. Maybe, a mother felt that asking about the tablecloth would tell her the level of "tradition" in the family without having to ask outright. Similarly, when asking whether someone scrapes the plates or stacks them. It is more polite to take away the plates without either stacking or scraping. The next level is to stack the plates and take them to the kitchen. The third option is to scrape the plates at the table which is not polite at all. So again, a mother might have wanted to know how “well mannered” the family is with such a question. I cannot say whether these questions ever had a place in gathering information in a more genteel past. They do not seem relevant nowadays.

There is a difficult situation when someone knows of a condition that the other party was not told of, such as a physical or mental condition or previous marital status or the like. If one knows of a shidduch where such information has been withheld and s/he knows the information is true first hand (or if second hand the information has been verified), then s/he should definitely ask a Rov if they should tell the interested party of this condition. Not every condition has to be disclosed at the beginning when the families are doing research, and although some have to be disclosed before they meet, still others do not have to be disclosed until the engagement or at all. Only a Rov can distinguish which conditions should be revealed and which not.

Even in the case a Rov considers the information must be revealed, the information may only be relayed when

1. the condition is serious,
   
2. one is not exaggerating the condition,
   
3. and there is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.

Before going ahead, though, it is advisable to ask a Rov whether this piece of information falls into this category and whether it is permissible to offer the information even when one was not asked.

The first step in such a case is, of course, to contact the first party and convince them to share the information with the other party. This way the information will come directly from the person in question. Try to convince the person you are talking to, that it will be much better if they themselves raise the issue rather than having the information come to the other family from a third party, such as yourself. If there is a possibility that the information will be ignored or if the person in possession of this information has ulterior motives for disclosing this information, then s/he is not allowed to disclose this information.

Because of many other issues one should never take upon oneself to make such a decision on one’s own but should always consult with a Rav.

The Tongue III - Giving information

The third situation is that of a person called for information.

This person must be careful to be honest and careful not to speak Loshen Hora. To this end when calling for information tell the person that you are calling to ask information for a shidduch.

Do not ask:"What can you tell me about so and so?"
A person asked for information should only answer specific questions rather than giving a narrative. They should be asked direct questions and not vague general questions. First of all, one gets better information with direct questions, but also, a person asked a direct question can answer to the point.
Naturally the person giving the information should give first person information. If what one is saying is only hearsay one must say so. Specify that what s/he is saying came to him/her second hand. Certainly one should limit oneself to facts and not hearsay.

Even when dealing in facts, what is told has to be with the intent of giving the best information so that the person who is asking will get a full picture of the one asked about. The information should be given for the benefit of the party requesting the information with no thoughts of finally being able to give over a piece of gossip or taking revenge on someone chv"s.

It is generally difficult to give subjective information. For example, if someone asks whether a girl is pretty or slim. What is pretty for one may be comely for another (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder), and where one feels only a size 6 will do, another will be happy with a size 12.

Giving a size may be deceptive because of body types. Sometimes the size 12 may look like a 10, and the 10 may look like the 12. Just to sidetrack a moment in regard to sizes, most boys have no idea what a size 4 or 10 looks like, they think in terms of people, i.e. is she like my sister.

The only way to give good information when a subjective question is asked is to know the person one is talking to, and know what meaning s/he is imbuing the question with. This is not always possible. The same is true when asking for information. If one is close to the person who is giving the information, they will know what kind of “measuring scale” they use. If they say someone is smart, we will know what level of smart this person is telling us about because we know their opinion of who is smart and who is not.
If we do not know the person well, then how can we know what they mean by “smart” or by “outgoing” or “neat” etc.
A person may be a “neat freak”, and anyone less orderly is considered “messy”. Or a person may be above average intelligent and consider someone who is just average not very smart. It is almost like talking a different language.
You are using the same sounds, but the meaning is very different. One could say it is like the English language; one may say “night” and the other understands “Knight”.

Many times we are called to answer subjective questions from people whom we have never met. Sometimes we may feel that if our answer is interpreted the wrong way, it may ruin a shidduch. In such a case a safe answer is “I do not know.” Another method is to interrupt the conversation with an excuse and call a Rav. Then call the person back.

The Tongue II

The second situation is the case of a person who did not initiate the shidduch but has been asked for advice on whether the shidduch should be looked into.
This person has a greater responsibility than the first who suggested the shidduch because the first was only giving a possible suggestion but the second person is called on specifically for a definitive opinion which may make or break the shidduch.
The person called for advice must be careful not to encourage or discourage a match with someone he has no real knowledge of.
If all this person knows is hearsay, they should not express an opinion because what they heard may be totally false. If they do not know the person this should be stated.

An adviser may be sought by a family that has had a shidduch suggested by someone they do not know well. They are unsure whether they should follow up with this suggestion, or maybe it has no merit and may be ignored. The adviser should deal only in facts. Feelings are not what is required at this point. The adviser should look at the shidduch suggestion and express an opinion only based on facts. If the adviser thinks personally that they would never have suggested such a shidduch, that has no bearing on the situation. Their advice has to be based on concrete reasons, on real concerns based on personally known facts and not on second or third hand information. Although the adviser's first loyalty goes to the person asking their advice, they are certainly forbidden to discourage a shidduch unless they have firsthand knowledge of the matter that could cause problems, and it is proven that this matter should be of concern and is not just a mistaken impression.
If one is not sure of the answer to give, it is certainly proper to tell the person calling that it is not a convenient time and ask to be called back later. In the meantime call a Rov and ask his advice on how to approach this situation.

The Tongue is mightier than the Sword.

Loshen Hora.

This is one topic that is very relevant to shidduchim.

It is a very complicated topic that is difficult to cover because there are a few diverging opinions about what one can say and what one cannot when talking about shidduchim.
Some Rabbonim will be more stringent and some will be makel.
The following are just basic guidelines, and are here to give you an idea of what are the issues, but every question should be referred to your Rov. There are a lot more issues than are covered here and every case has to be decided according to the circumstances.
Halacha differentiates between 3 conditions:

The first condition is when a shidduch is first suggested.

At such a time the person suggesting the shidduch should be careful about “Lifnei Eiver Lo Sitein Michshol” “Do not place a stumbling block before a blind person” Which applied in this case means one should not suggest a shidduch that would not meet the needs of both parties involved. It has become very common these days to hear of shadchonim or friends just naming names to a parent as possible shiduchim without really taking the time to discover if there is real reason to pursue such a union or not. No individualized thought goes into it. The parent is told: here look into Plony, Almony, Tom, Dick and Harry. Are any of these compatible? Are these families appropriate? The person suggesting the names does not know, they just throw out a bunch of names. Suggesting a shidduch to a possible family without checking if there is compatibility, or if the shidduch satisfies the needs of both parties, is not allowed. The parties will waste time researching a shidduch which should not have been initiated to begin with, and gives false hope to the young people involved who will be disappointed at the falling apart of a possibility.

One should not refrain from suggesting shidduchim because of this halacha. One does not even have to investigate the parties thoroughly first before suggesting a shidduch. One does have to have some knowledge of the parties involved and be fairly sure that based on that knowledge this is a viable shidduch, and it has a good chance of succeeding. One should be reasonably certain that the parties do not have characteristics which are objectionable to the other party or that one party is lacking a non negotiable quality sought after by the other party.

This restriction has two main points:
The first is wasting the time of the parents and young people involved.
The second restriction concerns information: sometimes when we suggest a shidduch there is some information that may be held back for the sake of making the shidduch. One cannot decide by oneself when one may conceal information and when one has to disclose it. There are different kinds of information given by Chazal, “major deficiencies” or minor problems. A Rov must be consulted to make sure the case warrants keeping the information hidden altogether or at least for the beginning so that the shidduch has a chance of succeeding.
Even this deception though has to be revealed before the parties see each other enough to have developed feelings for each other.

Profile or Resume?

Shidduchim are such a maze that we will grasp any idea that might make the process easier.

Our lives are so busy B"H, between bringing up our kids, working, mivtzoim, learning, chessed etc. that even if we have not reached the dreaded senior moment stage, we cannot keep everything in mind.

The shidduhim solution to this is the "profile". What is a profile?

A profile is a short description of our young man or woman, that describes the essentials without giving a name. The profile lets people know the age, the height, family background i.e. FFB, BT, etc. the level one is at, Chassidish, relaxed, modern and a description of the characteristic of the young man or woman such as kind and giving, very involved in .... quiet and eidel, ambitious, go getter etc. Last but not least a description of what one is looking for such as only shlichus(if you mean it!), yiras shamayim, tznius, outgoing, organized etc.
At the end write in a contact name and phone number and/or email address.

What you have accomplished with a profile is to describe your child and what you are looking for on paper for the easy reference of your friends and contacts.
They in turn can send on or show your profile to others with possible matches without compromising your privacy as you did not disclose your name and address.

If a promising match is found then you can send a full resume which would have the family data such as how many siblings, the schools and camps attended and/or shlichus, references etc.
If you attend a shidduch group meeting or if you want someone to present your child to such a group a profile is indispensable.
Send one to all your relatives so they are reminded that you are looking for your son or daughter and what exactly you are looking for.

A profile is perfect for these days where we do not want the names of our children to float around as a conversation pieces until we get them married; on the other hand we do want people to remember that we have a wonderful son or daughter just brimming with qualities and waiting to get married to that right one.

So c'mon everyone, take paper and pen or laptop and desktop and let us see those profiles! (And yes that means you too mother of boys!!!)

To prepare a profile (From the Chicago Shidduch Group):

• state the contact person and their email or phone
• State male or female no name
• Age and Height
• Level of frumkeit
• Shlichus or work or open
• Family background
• Personality, talents, midos
• How would you describe him/her in 3 or 4 words - a short paragraph is ok
  
• What is unique about the person
• What is he/she looking for
• State contact person again with email and phone
  

Something to ponder

I attended a shidduch get together/farbrengen this shabbos afternoon where we said tehilim, read Eternal Joy and discussed shidduchim in general. One of the ladies told me about this email she received from a list she subscribes to, from Rabbi Moss in Australia and Motzoei Shabbos she actually forwarded me the email. Thank you so much for remembering to send it on.

I do believe Rabbi moss hits the nail on the head for more people than we would think. Unfortunately many of our youth fit the bill.
Read on and decide for yourselves:

Question of the Week:
I am in my late thirties and still single. I have met dozens of guys, but none are right for me. I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can't just settle on something half good. Where is the man of my dreams?
Answer:
It doesn't make sense. You are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why are you still alone?
There could be many reasons why someone may find it hard to find a partner. But I think in your case, the answer is simple. You're married already. You are not available, because you are involved in a longstanding intimate relationship with an imaginary Mr Right.
You have an exact picture in your mind of the perfect man, and you are so in love with that picture, you are not open to anyone else. No matter how great the guy is, he can't compare to your dream. You have become stuck in a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not really open to real people. So you haven't really met dozens of guys - you never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not - the imaginary Mr Right.

A relationship means connecting with an other, someone who is not you. You can't have a relationship with a figment of your own imagination, or with your own assumed caricature of another person. You need to step out of your imagination, suspend your prejudices and really open yourself to someone else.
Let yourself be surprised. Otherwise, the man of your dreams will stay right where he is - in your dreams.
I apologize for being so harsh on you. I just want to burst your bubble, because there is a real person out there waiting for you to meet him. He deserves it. So do you.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Bitochon continued

In Parshas B'Shalach on the first posuk (Shemos 13:17): "When Pharaoh sent away the people, Hashem did not lead them by way of the land of the Plishtim, because it was near (Ki Korov Hu). For Hashem said, 'Perhaps the people will reconsider when they see a war and will return to Egypt.’"

Rashi translates the word 'hu' as a reference to the land of the Plishtim and the word 'karov' as a reference to geographical distance, telling us in essence that it would have been too easy to go back to Mitzrayim.

The Daas Zekeinim m'Baalei haTosfos translate the words Ki Karov Hu in a completely different way. The word 'hu' refers to the nation, and the word 'karov' means relative as in 'family member'. The Daas Zekeinim is saying that Hashem did not lead Klal Yisroel through the "Plishtim Highway", which was the preferred route, because of his closer and "familial" relationship with the Yidden.

Sometimes HKB"H treats his children in a manner that seems inexplicable to us. The reason for this is 'ki karov hu' because He has a special relationship with us. The Aibishter has a different plan for His children. Rav Simcha Ziesel Broide, head of the Chevron Yeshiva, expands on this: Many times we feel our life has taken a detour; we are traveling in a circuitous route.

This may be because "Ki Karov Hu" Hashem is leading us on a different path because He is close to us and has different plans for us. (Taken from a lecture by Rav Yissachar Frand.)

If the shidduch which we are so anxiously awaiting for does not materialize, and things are not working the way we think they should, it is because HKB"H has plans for us, which we cannot understand, but which ultimately are for our benefit. We must have bitochon and continue in our efforts both in gashmius and ruchnius, because certainly the way we are being led is the best way for us.

What we forget at times because of this age's emphasis on "are we having fun?" or "are you happy?" that our happiness is not always an important thing. Which means, that maybe we are not happy or having fun because we do not realize the good in what we have or what we go through.
We all know the story of Reb Zusha of Anipoli who was asked by the Maggid of Mezritch students, how one could bless the Aibishter sincerely for the bad as well as for the good. Although he himself lea a very poor and hard existence he answered them to go find someone for whom things were not good, because he himself could not answer that question. (see the Crown Heights Community Newspaper for 11/23/09 forthis and other stories with Reb Zusha of Anipoli)
Naturally, all this is true if we do not sabotage our own efforts by looking for impossible things or rejecting shiduchim out of hand.

Bitochon

Shidduchim time where you really must have bitachon that you will have Siyata d'Shemaya, and your child will find their basherte.

In Eternal Joy* (vol1) the Rebbe says:
“I wish to reemphasize that which you yourself write - that the most important matter of all is finding a shidduch.
You write that your feeling is that you are not finding any fitting proposals regarding a shidduch.
My hope, however, is that when you will have the proper approach to the suggestions you receive, then G-d will provide you with the shidduch that is most appropriate for you both materially and spiritually.
One must always remember that there exists nothing in the world that is absolutely perfect. The same holds true with regard to human beings; there is no person who possesses all possible good qualities. Thus, it is pointless to wait [or expect] to find such a "dream" individual.
Since no person possesses all possible good qualities, it follows that the same is true regarding oneself - surely the person himself or herself is not perfect as well. However, [regardless of our own imperfections,] when it comes to looking at ourselves, we do so with a "good eye."
This should [also] be taken into consideration when looking upon another. [One should view the other person as well with a good eye, and] be ready to overlook and let pass [imperfect and deficient qualities]. Hopefully, with the passage of time, these imperfections - real or imagined - shall pass or straighten themselves out.
With this approach, it will be much easier to attain a shidduch - the choice becomes much greater and your entire attitude with regard to a shidduch will be a much happier and more positive.
I would also like to add that it is nigh impossible to truly assess and measure how these two individuals will be after they marry each other, inasmuch as marriage makes specific and marked changes in the two individuals who marry.
Thus, it is only up to a certain degree that we have free choice in the matter, while with regard to the rest we have to rely on G-d that He will lead the married couple in the path of joy, contentedness and goodness.
We verily observe that people do in fact act in this manner - [placing their ultimate fate in G-d's hands] and go on to live happy and successful lives until "120 years."
The same is true with regard to yourself - it is impossible to calculate with one hundred percent accuracy how each suggestion that is made to you will work out in the future, subsequent to getting married.
We must rely on G-d, [realizing] that if He is capable of properly conducting such a gigantic world, He surely is able to conduct the microcosmic world of each individual person that it be good for him or her materially as well as spiritually.
I hope that you will read this letter once and again and ponder the matters that I have written here.

My main purpose in this letter, however, is to try to see to it that from now on you change your approach to a shidduch - do not approach it with the disposition and bias that the shidduch is not for you; nonetheless, it is still necessary to make the requisite inquiries.

Rather, you should approach it in an entirely opposite manner - that G-d will surely provide you with a shidduch that is good for you, and quite possibly this may be the shidduch suggestion that is currently being presented to you. Consequently, it is very important to inquire and know the various details regarding the shidduch suggestion.
I wish for you that in the near future you will find a shidduch that is appropriate for you both in a material as well as a spiritual sense, and that you erect an edifice in Israel on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos. " (Igros Kodesh, Vol. V, p. 103)

*Eternal Joy is printed by Sichos in English and is available online at
www. Sichosinenglish.org